Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

How do other's cope?

(42 Posts)
heartbroken Wed 22-Jul-15 13:11:47

My son recently came back to the UK for a holiday after 4 years abroad.
He got married and had a child,my beautiful grandson,who i have met for the first time.I am unable to travel due to ill health,so i missed the wedding,and couldn't see my grandson after he was born.
Since his visit,i am so depressed,i cry all the time,Skyping makes me feel worse.It will be a few years before they will holiday here again,help!

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 22-Jul-15 14:05:55

I am so sorry for you. I used to cry when my grandsons went home and that was seeing them fortnightly. I don't know how to help you. sad I can understand Skyping would not really help. ((hugs)) to you.

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 22-Jul-15 14:07:51

The pain will lessen in a while. I know that doesn't help at the moment.

Let yourself cry. I read somewhere, "tears are the soul having a wash".

heartbroken Wed 22-Jul-15 14:11:39

Thanks,I have just joined and I appreciate your kind words and hugs.

Anya Wed 22-Jul-15 14:16:03

Yes, it will get better though you'll find that hard to believe at first. You'll find a way to get by, though birthdays and Christmas and other occasions will always be hard.

Why don't you start a book of memories for your little GS? Write down how much you loved seeing him, how you feel at him being so far away, but also lots of little things that you could tell him about yourself.

Then one day, hopefully far into the future, he'll have the pleasure of reading it himself and will feel closer to you.

But as jingl said, don't be afraid to cry.

swji1 Wed 22-Jul-15 14:16:21

Your message really chimed with me as I am a long distance grandma as well and it does feel awful a lot of the time. Skyping is supposed to help but like you, it somehow makes it even harder. Our twin grandchildren live in Canada and we have been out to see them (we are lucky at the moment as we can travel) but I have found it even more difficult during our visit and immediately afterwards. Most people I know seem to have their family around them so it can feel very lonely.
I don't think there is an answer - I just learn to live with it and try and keep up contact with the twins as much as I can. I knit comfort blankets for them (which they love) and send out some parcels every so often. It is not cheap but I want them to know that they have a grandma who loves them. You will find that it gets a little easier as time passes and I try and keep busy and active so I don't dwell on my son and grandchildren so much. I hope it gets easier for you. Gransnet can help.....

Luckylegs9 Wed 22-Jul-15 16:19:06

My heart goes out to you, it really does, but please don't go down because of this. Your son came to see you, you are a part of their lives albeit from a distance. Make skyping a time to get to know that little boy, he will be anxious to get over to see you. Send him little presents, letters and cards, be involved from a distance. Is there no way you could get over to see them? If you are not completely housebound, Try and get a new interest and meet new people, if you are housebound do an online course or chat on this and other forums. You have done a good job bringing up your son and now he has flown the nest, but he will keep flying back.

yogagran Wed 22-Jul-15 20:33:32

I'm another "long distance Granny" with DS and family of two little ones in Canada. I do visit twice a year but the goodbyes are heartbreaking for everyone. Just try to be grateful that they are happy and doing what they want. You have done a wonderful job in making your DS strong enough to make his own choices. We bring them up to be independent but it's incredibly hard when they decide to do just that.
Your parenting has achieved what you set out to achieve - that you raised an independent adult

Coolgran65 Wed 22-Jul-15 20:57:29

I'm also a long distance granny with DS and DGS on west coast USA. We've seen DGS once, for two weeks, but do make use of Skype. He's only just turning 2 but at least with Skype he will recognise our voices and our faces. We won't be totally strange to him when we next meet.

It's awful to miss DS and DGS so much.

Crow Wed 22-Jul-15 21:07:39

I have three children, all three live many hours way. USA, East and West coast, and Australia.
You just have to get used it. That sounds harsh, but it is the truth, as I see it.
My feelings are if they are happy and healthy, then I am happy for them.
And as yogagran says, you have brought your son up to be strong enough to make his own decisions.
Skype/FaceTime is wonderful and it does keep family in touch.
Mine are all in touch regularly. However I do cry every time they click off!!
It hurts, believe me I do know.
Hang on in there, as others have said, it does get easier, not a lot, but it does.

heartbroken Thu 23-Jul-15 07:32:40

My son moved away a day before I buried my mother 4 years ago,I suffered PTSD because my mother was abused before her death. I have a husband,but no other family. I want to be part of my grandsons life,but I won't.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 23-Jul-15 13:21:50

It is such a sad old world. heartbroken flowers

granjura Thu 23-Jul-15 19:50:48

So sorry to hear that Heartbroken- I so feel for you. Are they a very long way away- is there no way you could go there, with help from DH or from friends- or even some organisation, perhaps?

(((( hugs ))))

Elayne Mon 27-Jul-15 11:25:23

I am so sorry to hear that Heartbroken, my daughter and two grandsons live 20 minute drive from me but I havent seen them since March as I have had words with my daughter. The way I look at it is as long as you know they are alive, happy and healthy that is what matters. Sometimes you just have to be grateful for that. I agree it is not enough, but better than nothing. Lots of Hugs to you and hope things get better x

TriciaF Mon 27-Jul-15 14:08:10

We live far from ours too, but thankfully I can still travel to see them. Not often enough though.
You'll find that after a while it won't be so heartbreaking - I sometimes forget that special feeling of being with your own flesh and blood, there's nothing like it.
I'm going hopefully to see 2 of the families this week - hooray!
When first we all spread far apart I used to write a long letter each week about family matters, and sent a copy to each of them. That helped a lot. They replied when they remembered.
Hang on in there - things will get easier.

Jane10 Mon 27-Jul-15 14:57:29

I know its not much comfort but at least now we have Skype, email, even straightforward phones. When my Grandfather sailed to India for work as a young lad he never saw his parents again. Similarly, when my Dad had to return to the UK for school he didn't see his parents again for years. I often think about how desperately painful these times must have been for our families in the not so distant past. Bottom line these days we can, in emergency, actually jump on a plane almost anywhere and be there in 24/48 hours. Better than months on a ship which was the alternative in the old days.
I do know that's not what the OP is about. I completely understand her misery. I would feel exactly the same myself. It had just got me thinking.

TendringGran Mon 27-Jul-15 16:28:54

One of my daughters and two grand children are in Australia. It just sucks. Hate it.

Coolgran65 Mon 27-Jul-15 20:08:25

It's 5 years since my son was home. We visited him and dil and new dgs last year. They do childcare between them and this eats up his annual leave. Ds had asked for us to plan another visit as he didn't foresee it working out for them (annual leave) to be able to get back until dgs started school and annual leave was no longer used to supplement childcare time.

Great news..... Ds has just emailed to say they will try to get back in the next year or so, he wants family to meet dgs and will sort it some way. I am so happy and hope it works out. If not we will visit but it would be lovely to see them back on home turf albeit only for two

Luckylegs9 Tue 28-Jul-15 06:26:34

To all those that don't feel part of your children's life, sending a big hug. Try to keep positive because it can bring you down and affect your health and then the trouble starts. Things can always get better and my answer is keep as busy as you can and keep hoping.

heartbroken Wed 12-Aug-15 12:34:28

Things are worse,their marriage is breaking up

Nonnie Wed 12-Aug-15 13:50:13

Please try to cope with the skyping. We find it is a great time even though not long enough. Our GS learned to switch on the PC at about 14 months old and shout "Anmaa" when he wanted to talk to us. Since we saw them a month ago he is still delighted to speak to us and kiss the screen but he flatly refuses to say goodbye!

soontobe Wed 12-Aug-15 14:04:33

Oh no heartbroken sad

NanSue Wed 12-Aug-15 14:11:11

As a long distance Gran I too feel for you. My DS travels all over the world in his job and his family are based in Taiwan. It sucks. I agree with jing, it does get easier but now you have the added worry of the marriage breaking up. I am so sorry for you and hope things get better for

Anniebach Wed 12-Aug-15 14:17:47

And I am troubled that if my younger daughters 15th attempt at IVF works the baby will be a five hour drive from me, other three are in the same toen

I am so sorry for all who have an ocean separating you

Anya Wed 12-Aug-15 16:41:20

Fifteen attempts at IVF sad