Practical issues

Sorry, didn't explain very well,*Ana*. I shouldn't post in a hurry!

It seems a funny thing to think of almost straight away but, as I said, a phone call is quite an easy thing to tick off the list when people are feeling a bit bewildered.

I understood exactly what you meant Kitty- and yes it does seem weird, I have to say. Do people really think 'oh I'll be charged for that if I don't phone?!'- I would have thought that would be the very last thing on my mind and heart at the time.

we do very strange things in our moments of grief....I know, as I have done these strange things (or that may seem strange to others) I remember ringing up the morning after dh passed away to cancel a hospital appointment that he had. It's just part of a the process that goes through our mind at that time .We are far from "normal" in them following hours.

Petra
You need to contact The human Tissue Authority. I have done this. They advised me to how to contact my local medical school. In turn they were able to advise me and my family so that I have filled in the relevant forms and my children know who to contact when I die.

Age concern,I think their still called that,they have info on their web site of who to and how to.
Know I found it useful when my mum died, we couldn't afford the funeral so got a grant towards it.

Another thing I think should be thought about is..what would you want for your funeral. Recently I attended a relation's cremation, it was awful, not because the family didn't care more that they hadn't really thought through that other people old want to say goodbye in some manner. I will be planning mine this month! Smile

When my husband died 3 years ago my sons arranged most of the funeral but I was financially and emotionally bewildered and unsure about how much money I had available.

I was worried about the cost of flowers and wrote or spoke to everyone who wanted to come to the funeral and asked them to bring a bunch of flowers to the crematorium and place them on the coffin.

The result was very moving and beautiful as people walked up to the coffin and placed flowers on it. I couldn't watch most of it but I think in retrospect that it made the friends and colleagues of my husband feel included.

The coffin was covered in flowers, large bunches, small tokens, it didn't matter and I felt that my husband would have been pleased and amazed at the beautiful display of remembrance.

This is not a criticism of anyone's way of dealing with finance but I think it would be so helpful if husbands and wives/partners sat down and discussed all money matters before it is too late. I am sure this doesn't happen with younger people but I have had more than a handful of friends and relatives who do not know about bank accounts, regular out goings, where things are lodged and who to contact. It not only puts you in more control but makes things so much easier when it counts.

When DH died, everything seemed to happen naturally. First call obviously was to the Funeral Director who then took over that bit. They have a booklet which tells you everything you need to know and do, if you don't already know.. In my case I had the added upset of police and Procurator Fiscal being involved which didn't exactly help (due to the incompetence of my GP practice, but that's another story). Something seems to take over and you run on automatic. It's afterwards, when you are coping on your own and fumbling in the dark that problems seem to magnify; specifically the dreaded 'paperwork' which is why I advise all and sundry to get it sorted while you and DH are able so the shock is not so great when the time comes. I made copious lists and lists of lists which helped. Now, I still go into panic mode occasionally but tell myself 'what does it really matter - the worst that can happen already has and nobody is going to put you into prison for not doing this or that'. A few deep breaths or a walk around the block put everything into perspective.

DD2's FiL was in hospital recently and expected to die rather than recover. His poor wife was in a real tizz during what was a dreadful time wondering about what he would like in terms of a funeral. The only thing she could remember him saying was that he wanted to be buried at sea!

Luckily he survived and, although he is not well, they have had the conversation. She has pointed out that 'burial at sea' costs a fortune and maybe isn't really appropriate as he only has a rowing boat. That really made me smile.

marmight I'm glad you have said that the worst that can happen already has I seem to have become sort of complacence at other happenings, it's like I think well it's not life threatening! no one is going to die and it sort of rolls off me.

Funnily enough I have recently "had a go" at my old man because his computer is so secure that I would have been totally stuck when it came to closing accounts/paying bills etc.should he pop his clogs. He has at last realised how important it is for me to be able to get to stuff and has made it easier, and also has put my name on accounts etc. I knew of a young girl who's husband died and she couldn't cancel his phone contract because she didn't know his password and it took three months of fighting even though they were married and they saw his death certificate. I have also discovered that if you have a joint credit card you can carry on using it until you inform them of the death of the first named person, which as the person at Braclaycard said, does not have to be straight away; so that reassured me when it came to funeral costs.

Funeral costs can be dealt with by the solicitor; the account from the funeral director is taken from the estate, so unless there is no estate, there is no need to panic. In my case because it was the Cooperative FD, I paid from my account in advance which gave 10% discount and because I used my coop card, I got points . Now, some people would find this distasteful in the extreme, but we all had a great laugh, it lightened the atmosphere and DH would have hooted along with the rest of us.

I love that Marmight. It reminds me of when DH fell and broke his hip. An ambulance was called but took ages to arrive so I decided to take photos of him (safely in the recovery position!) looking bored. Someone came over and berated me as it was 'so serious'!

Age UK have a Life Book where you can write all your details, bank accounts etc. I've sent off for it but can also be received by e-mail. Found out about this on the moneysavingexpert web site.

I've spent the last three days going through the chaos of my sisters affairs. I've now drawn up a short rather long list of documents which ought to be kept all together in one folder for when I die/pass away/kick the bucket or whatever your preferred euphemism.

I think I'll send for the Age UK Life Book mentioned by Chelsea.

What I've also found out is that most companies have something called a Bereavement Service, yes, even energy companies which surprised me. Most people and companies have been very helpful indeed.

Two notable exceptions - the GP, who refused to send the 'cause of death' certificate to us and expected us to undertake a 2-3 hour drive to Liverpool and a 2-3 hour drive back just to pick it up, but were quite happy to hand it over to someone I asked to go and fetch it and TV Licencing who wanted notification in writing. I told them to stuff that I'd just cancel the DD!!

OMG (sorry but I can't think of another way of expressing my sympathy for all those struggling with all the myriad things that need to be done after a bereavement.)

My husband kept everything to himself and when he passed away it was one long continuing nightmare trying to sort out passwords etc., As well as all the other things that had to be done.

I spent hours on the phone trying combinations of words he may have used and it all had to be done through a fog of grief.

I now have my own affairs in reasonable order and hope to keep them that way for my children's sake.

The only thing left for me to do is prepay for my funeral, and then I can die at my leisure
I have my will, POAs, birth cert, letters for my DD, list of friends, organ donor stuff and the kitchen sink, all filed carefully along with medical information. All my household bills etc are also filed!
I hope my dc appreciate my efficiency!

My DH and I often talk about funeral plans but I can't even get him to make a Will. I worry about this as with my son being disabled and the situation between him and his sister, (he hates her with a vengeance) if DH and I died in a car crash I can imagine all kinds of trouble. The other thing I can't get DH to do is let me know/write down the information and passwords for bills that are paid online which I think is most of them.

I too have a booklet called what to do when someone dies but I can't remember who gave it to me or whether it was when my mother died or when my son was in hospital. I do understand everyone's concern about these questions but my worst worry is the online payments.

Just been to register my sister's death 'by declaration'. I was told originally there was no other way to do this than a 5-6 hour round drive to the Registrasty Office in the town in which she died. It was only thanks to a clued-up GN friend that I was saved this journey.

I also found out that most Registrars offer a 'Tell Us Once' service and will notify the DWP, NHS pensions, Council Tax, DVLA re driving licences, passports, and so on.

Gill banks offer a Bereavement Service and I've been pleasantly surprised how very helpful they can be. I think it very wrong that your DH won't let you know such details, but I wouldn't worry about it as most companies will help you sort this out if you ever need to.

My "LifeBook" from AgeUk arrived today. Sections are personal details, life contacts, financial, documents, possessions, final wishes. Think it will be useful. There was a leaflet to pass on to others and it can be ordered on 0345 685 1061 quote ref LFB307.

Just noticed there is an online version to keep on own computer on: www.ageuk.org.uk/lifebook

A friend recently asked if my utility bills were in joint names with my DH. I said no only in his name. She advised me to this get this altered immediately as when her friend's husband died the utility companies wouldn't speak to her and wanted written evidence of her husband's death, it was a real palaver.

I started today and it was a doddle to get British Gas to amend the name, so will trawl through the other utilities and get them updated too.

I had no problem with the utility services when my DH died, all were extremely helpful and didn't require any proof of his death. Why would they, if they're going to be paid anyway?

Obviously you have to give them the new DD details if that's how you pay the bills.

(forgot to say, the accounts were all in his sole name)