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Toddler who likes to say `NO`

(52 Posts)
overthehill Mon 28-Sep-15 23:10:27

I have a beautiful, most times cheery, sometimes not, little 2year old granddaughter.

She is definitely her own person. `No` features quite a lot in her vocabulary along with `I can do it`, yes, but not always of course.

There is lots of advice out there of course, on dealing with this. For instance, if they won't put their coat on, give them the choice of the pink one or the blue one and this will settle it. If they kick up a fuss about going to bed say there won't be a story etc.

When mine were young if the screaming set out went on too long they would get a smack, but I wouldn't do that to her, as although I did it then, I do feel it is wrong.

I do shout though and the other day she wanted to remove her nappy before going to bed for a nap and I wasn't having it. A wrestling match broke out between the two of us and I was going to win. She ended up crying a lot but then did calm down along with nappy intact. We kissed and made up.

Later she woke and again after me saying let's go downstairs it was a resounding NO, but I reminded her that Nanny could get very cross and to my amazement she complied and off downstairs we went.

I suppose what I am saying is, giving choices at times of conflict, I don't feel is beneficial and you have to get across who's in charge.

What do other do?

rosequartz Mon 28-Sep-15 23:39:45

I am not above a bit of bribery, or, as I like to call it, psychology,!

Ie not just let's go downstairs but 'time to go downstairs now, let's go and have a drink, piece of fruit/play a game' etc.

If all is safe upstairs you could say 'well, I'm going down anyway, shut the stairgate and go down (or pretend to if she is in a cot) With a bit of luck she will wonder what she's missing and want to come down.

When she was in nappies and struggled I gave her a toy to hold, and did a lot of loud singing (probably worse than shouting grin), Row your boat, if you're happy and you know it, Daisy, daisy etc etc.

No shouting and no smacking - she's not my child!
The only time I have shouted at her was when she was about to leap off the back of the sofa!

Alea Mon 28-Sep-15 23:49:07

Toddler who likes to say "No!"

Is there any other sort? grin

kittylester Tue 29-Sep-15 06:38:50

My thought too Alea and we've currently got 2 of the darlings! grin

Leticia Tue 29-Sep-15 07:28:14

I thought 'No' was always one of the first words they discovered and found useful!

Nelliemoser Tue 29-Sep-15 07:54:57

Classic toddler talk.
No! and I need (that toy or whatever.)

I once said to DD "Come on its time for a bath."
DD "No I don't want to."

Me, excitedly. "Who wants to go upstairs and have a bath?"
DD. "Me!!!"

It's worth a try to make things sound exciting. It works for a few months anyway.

loopylou Tue 29-Sep-15 07:56:26

I've yet to meet a 2 year old who says 'Yes' as frequently or emphatically.
Skyping DGS yesterday evening he proudly told me 'I like naughty step'.....DS nonplussed!
Little chap is so funny it's hard to keep a straight face at the appropriate time.

ninathenana Tue 29-Sep-15 08:03:28

grin loopylou
I remember DGS at this age when told "You'll be on the naughty step if you don't stop that"
He stopped, and took himself to the naughty step shocksmile

J52 Tue 29-Sep-15 08:10:24

'No' is the first word that gives a toddler some power over making their own decisions. They learn that quickly because it is something we have all said to them, frequently with some effect!

I will give GDs the choice of doing the requested thing or not, but at the same time point out the disadvantages of not doing it. Then just carry on with what I'm doing. It usually works, but gives the decision power back to them.

An example could be, going into the garden but putting wellies on first. No being the answer, I would explain that shoes and socks would get wet, but that's OK with me I'm not the one wearing them. I then would make to go into the garden. Usually a wellie glad child would follow!

It's not always easy with a toddler!

HildaW Tue 29-Sep-15 09:36:40

I'm having a bit of fun at the moment...GD (a feisty red head, and yes the clichés are true) is very much her own person....her dear Mama ( my elder daughter who was a delight as a toddler but stubborn as anything as an older teenager - so within BOTH our memories) is having regular battles with her and finding it very challenging although she is slowly getting there.....'Oh Mum' she say, 'I don't know where she gets it from'....he he he....payback!!!!

HildaW Tue 29-Sep-15 09:39:24

Seriosly it is about choosing which battles are important and consistency and when you have used the word 'No'....sticking with it .... NO MATTER what the provocation....hence the importance of choosing which battles to stand firm on.
Once they see a chink in your defences and the possibility of you wavering you are DOOMED!

Nelliemoser Tue 29-Sep-15 10:05:38

Listening to Womans hour now about kids behaviour.

J52 Tue 29-Sep-15 10:08:52

I'm listening as well. Too true , the comment about mirroring good behaviour.


henetha Tue 29-Sep-15 10:18:11

I'm trying to cope at the moment with a 13 year old who likes to say NO.

Luckygirl Tue 29-Sep-15 10:19:08

I am entranced with the way my DDs handle their stroppy toddlers - I keep telling them they have far more patience than I ever did! One little one is always difficult about getting into her car seat - my approach is to ask her to choose which fruit pouch she would like to have in the car when she is strapped in - she then goes down the drive clutching this prize and knows that it will not be opened until she is settled in her seat. My DD does not use bribery, but negotiates with her with endless patience - I can hardly watch - it takes so long! But I do admire her patience.

Her favourite word is no of course, and I sometimes play a game with her where I listen to her saying no several times, then I ask her a question to which she would like to say yes, and when she automatically says no we both have a great laugh - she gets the joke!

rosequartz Tue 29-Sep-15 10:22:03

Now DGD is 3 she likes to be first, so 'who's going to put on their coat/shoes/tidy the toys first?' usually works.

However, the thunderous 3s can be worse than the terrible 2s grin

Nelliemoser Tue 29-Sep-15 10:33:42

rosequartz My DGS 1 has just turned 3 and is increasingly stubborn about many things. Very like his Mum, she would dig her heels in ways older brother never did.

HildaW Tue 29-Sep-15 12:08:09

Have been mulling this over and can remember from my Pre-School leader days that sometimes the very stubborn/going to be world leader types can find digging their heels in all the time a bit exhausting. Sometimes they actually need you to offer them a dignified way out when it seems you have both reached an impasse. I always secretly admired the little ones with firm convictions...being too darn compliant is not always the way to be. Hence when there seemed to be a real stand off I'd work hard to give them a chance to exit and save just a little face. They need to know they have been challenged to correct their behaviour but there is no point reducing everyone to tears and totally browbeating them.

M0nica Tue 29-Sep-15 12:12:44

It works both ways. I have a portrait of me hung up in the kitchen, drawn by DGD when about 5. There is a large bubble coming out of my mouth saying 'No'.

This has got to do with my limits rather than theirs. For example, having sat for half an hour with a (plastic) axe at my throat being told by DGS, aged 3 that he is a viking and he is going to kill me, I get bored and try to move on, play a different game, do something else. Who has all the children who can be distracted and moved on to something else? DGC, like DC before them just circle round the disitractions and return to what they were doing that they wish to continue to do. At which point, with DGS climbing on to my lap again with his little axe, Grandma says 'No' and sticks to it. Hence the picture.

Alea Tue 29-Sep-15 12:32:15

With DGS1 DD and SIL did not realise what an easy ride they were getting, DGS2 ( the redhead) brought it to a whole new level and I suspect DGD who has just turned 1 will push the boundaries even further.
Anyway, they had a strategy of "The easy way or the hard way . . . . " When there was a bit of a struggle and once when DD2 was babysitting, she quoted this. She got the reply "Only Mummy and Daddy can do the easy way or the hard way" to which her response was"Well you'll just have to do it Auntie N's way then!" And he was so surprised he just gave in.

trisher Tue 29-Sep-15 17:45:16

I think you need a range of strategies, the bright 2-3 year old soon catches on if you always use the same one.
So it may be "Come and put your coat on." Waving babies coat at her. Loud giggles "Granny that's not my coat!"
"Put your hand in here, oh dear it's gone!" Coat on as we pretend to hunt for missing hands.
"Can you really do it by yourself? Show me"
Temper tantrums get very firm "Stop" in a determined, quiet voice, and are then ignored. When the shouting and kicking stop, help is offered immediately, any revision of kicking etc back to "Stop".
Hugs and praise are always given for good behaviour.
One word of praise is worth ten of criticism.

LullyDully Tue 29-Sep-15 18:33:15

Praise is so important. It is positive and beats negative any day.

Try the choice technique. Not putting on their shoes to go out. Say in a cheery voice ' ok either you go out with them on or you can go without.......your choice.'

Only two choices, one you want and one they are protesting about, usually throws them and they do it thinking they have won. ....doesn't work with 14 year olds very well. !!! Great for under 5s!!!

Ana Tue 29-Sep-15 18:36:21

My GDs would jump at the chance of going out without shoes on, even now they're nine! grin

rosequartz Tue 29-Sep-15 19:01:18

My DGD would love the chance of going out without shoes, coat or jersey even in the depths of winter.
She also loved the naughty step when she was 2.

Contrary Mary!

trisher Tue 29-Sep-15 19:25:55

Never used the naughty step. I know it is one of those things that 'super nannies" have advised but to my mind it can be so counter productive. Really stroppy children will use it against you and take themselves to sit on it just to show you they don't care. Then what do you do? Withholding something, offering something special if the behaviour improves, telling off in a quiet but firm voice all work better. Sometimes the tone of voice people use when telling their child off amazes me. They seem to be almost pleading, either that or shouting, neither of which work well.