thank you letters

Speaking as an aspirational working class 'girl' who made it into the middle class and was very grateful to reach a world of education, culture, manners, standards and privilege I would say that writing thank you notes is middle class 'law'. Manners are about forgetting selfishness and a 'me first' culture and about making others feel at ease and worthwhile. Making children write thank you notes is to remind them to be grateful to others and that nice things are not a right but a blessing. Middle class mores are also an adult conspiracy to raise a polite and appreciative generation. Many youngsters are narcissistic, 'entitled', rude and thankless because their parents do not instill a sense of the rights of others.

If a child grows up resenting the fact that they were asked to write to say thank you for what they were given it rather suggests that the deed (of writing) was enforced without the purpose being likewise imparted. Children should know that they are not owed anything by anyone other than their parents, that they are immensely fortunate to live in a free and prosperous country and that others elsewhere in the world, and the country for that matter, are not so lucky.

It is also good for children to have to do things they might not like. It is a good preparation for later life where reality sinks in that they are not the centre of the universe.

If a child does not write a thank you note and then fails to receive another gift from that donor it is a good lesson. It will be harsh for the same child when an adult to learn they cannot have a job or something equally essential because they are rude and unemployable. Better the smaller disappointment when they are young than a catastrophe when older.

I realise that this is a bit harsh and also that it paints my working class upbringing as of a poor standard which simply isn't true. My mother always made me say thank you.

I was "made" to write thank- you letters. I passed this practice on to my children. Their own children are very young but they write on their child's behalf with a scribbled signature from the small recipient of the gift. One DD also writes on her own behalf, while the other one will email or just say a verbal thank-you, which is fine. That is just to us, but I know she sends cards to everyone else. I have a friend whose grandchildren never acknowledge gifts. I suggested she stop sending them, but she feels she cannot. I would definitely stop. I'm sure that would provoke a reaction of some kind.

I haven't read through the post because my dander is up.
Middle class?? Huh!
A thank you, whether a letter, email or phone call is the very least a person should get! On balance a phone call so that you can have a chat as well is probably the nicest option, but TBH even a text is the least you can do.

Good manners are not the preserve of some "middle class"!!

I had to write thank you letters as a child. I didn't enjoy it particularly but accepted it was a good thing to do. I made our children write them when they were young. As we have five children it was often hard to keep an accurate list at Christmas so I would peep inside each parcel and make my list before Christmas day and then relax as the scrum of present opening happened! Nowadays the boys either phone or E mail to say thanks. My Mum was a stickler for expecting thank you letters. When one son got to 15 he refused to write to her. I'm a bit ashamed to say I wrote one for him on the computer and sent it to my Mum to keep the peace! How mad is that! She has now died but would even say on the phone to thank my son for his letter!! My son didn't know I did it!.I agree Ethelbags if that is the main complaint your daughter has you must have been a great Mum!

Teacher your very last sentence, relating to your working-class mother, rather negates your very long reasoning!

I always had to write thank you notes and so did my dc. If you can say thank you in person that's lovely, but not to acknowledge a gift is rude and thoughtless. It makes me very cross.

One of my grandmothers was most definitely not middle class, her childhood was barely even working class, it was grinding poverty followed by orphanage, and then scrubbing floors at 14, but heaven help you if you failed to acknowledge a gift, either in person or in a letter.

There is an atmosphere these days which regards doing anything polite or thoughtful or showing any gratitude as being middle class and therefore somehow snobbish and posh. Rubbish! There is nothing at all that restricts good manners to any one class - I mean manners in the sense of consideration for others, not in the sense of knowing when to use which bit of cutlery.

We have two children, and by my first marriage a son who was very young when we married and was therefore brought up solely by us. His father did his once a year holiday, but there was no routine or regular contact. He is now deceased. My husbands two were much older and emigrated with their mother n step father just after we were married. We get on well and visit regularly.

The background is important to this issue!!

We now have 5 grandchildren with a sixth due next April, so the three UK siblings will have two each. The two children in America are married to English spouses (which in no doubt helps the contact across the pond), however they elected not to have any children.

Presents were sent the first year of the grandchildrens arrival, but as my son did not e mail to say thank you, they are not sent to their children anymore. Which he has not commented on, he may not even be aware of but it makes it awkward for us, as the Amerucan presents are often very cherished gifts, as they are different and reflect the culture, which if it isn't here already soon will be! The eldest GC is 4, but as they grow I wonder what my sons two will think. For balance their mum is Canadian, so they get presents from her sister n parents. BUT not at Christmas, they are brought over on their annual visit. My son, would give up giving n receiving Christmas presents like a shot, they are comfortably off and see it as a marketing ploy whilst his wife's family are token present givers.

Personally I love cards from my nephews children via their mum, my older nephew sent e mail thank you, which was just that- thank you, not news of school, activities etc.

But I think a thank you is required, no matter what the method. Our three always make a card (with parents help) to say thank you even though normally we are together for Christmas and birthdays.

So I would presume like my stepdaughter no acknowledgement means, thank you ---but don't!

Families eh- how do we survive the minefield!?

I was also tought to write thank you letters as all my late relatives lived away from us and it was in the days when children could be seen but not heard, so no talk about saying thank you over the phone.
However my late husband had trouble with his writing so never wrote letters and our sons were not keen to write either. I will admit it was a bit difficult when one is tought that it is good manners to write and getting the blame all the time that they hadn't written. However now emails have taken over.

Hear, Hear, Elegran!
Not a class thing at all. Basic good manners.

My parents were as working class as you can get, but good manners were drummed into me and I don't remember ever feeling resentful about saying or writing thank you.

One set of children in the family never ever wrote - the cheques simply got cashed. I waited until they were old enough to write a thank you note then stopped.

LynC if I understand correctly, you don't send gifts to some grandchildren because their father didn't send a thank you.

Isn't that a bit harsh on the grandchildren? They can't help the actions of their parents!

Just to add thst was after their 18th and a large cheque!

Always wrote them as a child but seems to be less and less common these days. One DIL is great at thank you cards when presents for new baby were posted from afar. I had to keep nagging other DS and wife since people were asking whether presents had arrived. I finally sent them a pack of cards and stamps and told them to get on with it! In the last year have bought new baby present and then 1st birthday present for a friend's grandchild and have yet to have an acknowledgement.

certainly not middle class - just politeness! A phone call or email is acceptable sometimes - just contact the donor. I have given up spending money, time and effort on a couple of my nieces who can not even be bothered to respond and take presents for granted.

I was brought up to write thank you letters and it was a chore. However I do believe that if people are kind enough to send a gift they should be thanked. I give gifts to my daughter's step children and have never been thanked! I would be happy to be thanked in any way, even a text would do.

With e mail and Facebook I like to send a thank you message after the event I received a present for. I even like to send a thank you message if I have been to lunch etc with someone. It only takes a few minutes.

If people have bothered to buy you a gift or invite you to an event it is the least you can do.

I have nieces who I sent presents to for their children and I never heard anything so now I don't bother.

Well said whitewave and Teacher 11. After all the snipping about punctuality I think that pales into insignificance compared to not thanking a giver for a present that has been carefully chosen, money possibly ill afforded, and time taken is the height of ill manners, ingratitude, rudeness and inconsideration. I was brought up to write them, so were my children and now my grandchildren. Nowadays perhaps a telephone call will suffice but at least some form of thanks.

My daughter always writes to thank me for presents and childminding or a stay here in France. I have told her that it really isn't necessary or expected from me but she just says she was brought up properly! My stepdaughter's godfather told me that he generously gave to her and never had any sort of thanks, but the gifts he gave to my children were always acknowledged so he stopped giving to his goddaughter but continued to give to mine!

There are so many lovely ecards around that I think it is a pleasure to receive one of these and I never think of it as lazy. In fact it is possible to go further and I always use these to thank an hostess for a lovely evening, dinner, lunch or whatever. It takes little time or money to do this and affords a lot of pleasure to the recipient.

And please stop the nonsense about class and posh. I know so called working class people with impeccable manners, and so called upper class people with appalling manners. Manners are manners whoever you are. One friend told me that someone accused her of being posh, an onlooker took my friend aside and said the appropriate riposte would have been 'Posh? You obviously meant that as an insult, so how about I call you common, how does that sit?' Like that and looking forward to using it!

Annifrance, posh had to do with cruising, so it isn't really a proper word anyway. Such a silly one, too. Have a lovely Noel, lucky you ! It's probably a bit less commercialised out there, non?

I was also a hoverer with a pen and pad, making sure my children knew who had bought what and then sitting them down to write 'thank you' letters. Now at the ages of 24 and 26 my two sons have continued to write their own (unforced) letters to grandparents etc. My daughter hasn't yet started to do get her sons to do this, but I suspect she will do when they're a little older. She is a very generous sister and most certainly expects to receive 'thank you' letters from her siblings when she's given them gifts.

Surely thank you notes are also important in developing communication and social skills?

I always wrote thank you notes and my girls did too . It wasn't always of their own accord but I consider it important if someone takes the time to purchase a gift the girls could afford a moment to write a note.

Sometimes my grand children write me a note, sometimes I get a picture. Sometimes I get an email or a text but I always get something. I consider it polite and it's not like they have to be tortured into it :-)

Here's another slant to this posting! I was always vigilant when my three sons received presents - birthdays and Christmas and always made a note of who sent what so Thank You letters could be appropriately composed! This was not an easy task - encouraging three young boys to respond but they did. Well they did for a few years (under duress from me!). As encouragement I told them that Grandma/Grandpa/Aunt/Uncle etc would be very happy to get a little "Thank You" - and in any event it was "good manners". This approach work for a while until one son said ™Wht do we have to send a note WHEN NO ONE THANKS US FOR THE PRESENTS WE SEND?™ I immediately was reminded of the hours of glueing and glittering we spent making special presents for said relatives and for once I was stumped for an answer. No matter how old/what venerable status older relatives hold good manners are good manners (as I had instilled for years). End of Thank You notes!

But Olympia, why should your boys have stopped displaying good manners just because their relatives didn't have them?