Is it only a mum/gran who would feel like this ?

KatyK that's a great turn of phrase.
Will tell my friend this.... She is not of the bite your tongue brigade...but needs to be.

Shall go now and put on my warpaint and loopy..... That should have been lippy.. but is perhaps appropriate

I remember Christmas day as a young Mum , I was usually frazzled , up at the crack of dawn coping with overexcited kids . Not the best time to try to have a meaningful conversation with my Mum . Try not to overthink , she possibly has no idea you were angry at not getting her attention . Also the fact that there were other people around and a 3 year old doing what 3 year old do probably didn`t help .

I know and accept that I come low down on my kids list of priorities but I know they love me . They just have busy lives and pressures that we didn`t have .

Coolgran Enjoy your day.

I feel for you and your right I think they do mean more to us than we do to them their lives are always so busy in comparison to ours and what is to them a throwaway comment can be hurtful to us I certainly don't think they have a sense of duty to their parents like we had I'm not sure if this is right or wrong but it can certainly mean that occasionally we are made to feel low in their list of priorities.

We have one son in this country, with whom we have spent Cmas, and a son abroad. We always try and Skype him and his wife and two children. Not always satisfactory but I feel more for him as we are usually with some other family members and so it is him that must feel he is missing out a bit. And as for children on Skype, some children are fine but others.... Well! I have great conversations with my grandson in England but trying to speak to him on Skype is just a waste of time - he just gets silly. Time differences don't help. When my son abroad wants to phone we are getting the dinner ready. All so tricky. I'm still trying to catch up with my son and Skype seems to have been more unreliable than usual!

Inishowen I tend to agree with you, facetime is almost like hospital visiting, aka the conversation is, to me is a bit sort of forced.

And yes they definitely mean more to us than we do to them. I said to mine (3 girls) the other day, 'I never thought I would one day be the mother of three strong opinionated women! When did that happen?

And I often remind them when they try to tell me how to do something.... that 'I actually know that, as I was once the mother of three children and I am quite intelligent. They roll their eyes when they think I'm not looking!

But hey they will one day be mothers to adults...Karma!

Meanwhile embrace your friends and fill your life xxx

Well, when I was bsitting at Ds & Ddils, they tried to facetime us, and I didn't have a clue and couldent understand why they were helpless with laughter. It transpired that I hadn't pressed the thingy in the corner, I could see them but all they could see was my thighs

Thank you everyone.... perhaps we are actually quite normal....in as much as anyone is 'normal'

Yep, Face time can be a bit like 'hospital visiting' to an extent, so well put.

We don't use FT but Skype and have often felt like that as they are both so busy with a baby and a 2 year old - sometimes it's only been my son as DIL rushes around in the background or on one occasion went out. I can imagine how frazzled your daughter will have been and there was possibly a mixture of wanting to talk but guilt about also wanting to get on with all she had to do. Hopefully you'll be able to catch up at a quieter time.

Having worked abroad for the last twenty years and been granny for ten I have concluded that Christmas is only one day, and if there wasn't sooooo verrrry much media hype about playing happy families on THE DAY we would all be a whole lot happier. I find Skype pretty good, but dodgy at times of high demand. Tend to do Christmas Eve Skype, Christmas Day short phone call and longer Skype on Boxing Day or after.

They'd all soon start to worry if we didn't dote on them, eat our hearts out, love 'em to bits and call regularly. I once had a call from DS slightly panicked because I hadn't called for nearly a week ?

Gosh! Can't one even babysit in peace now? All this intrusiveness would do my head in. I like the idea of skyping when necessary but so far have only used it once, and that wasn't with family. It was a useful call on that occasion.

I use telephones and stuff like skype for "conversations of purpose", as an Amish woman put it in something she wrote.

We find Skype hopeless and don't even know what Facetime is.
coolgran if it's any consolation we didn't get to speak to one DD at all over Christmas (no signal on mobile, main line off, thanks BT!, time difference etc).

absolutely right, your kids will never love you as much as you love them

absolutely right, your kids will never love you as much as you love them

regardless of the poor facetime call Coolgran at least you got to see your family...some grandparents didnt even get that!

Wellat least you got to facetime with your family. I know I live abroad by choice but i got a message on FB messenger from 1ds in the morning (who lives an hours drive away) and later on the day from 1 dd. Another dd just sent a text. Two ds's did actually ring me and have a chat. Then another dd messaged me when there were problems with a drunken partner. So I did feel hurt but I have decided that obviously the dont care for me as much as I care for them so it's time to live my life for myself and care a little less

It can be difficult to match expectations and hopes within families. And the task of standing back and developing a new life for ourselves when the children are grown is a challenge for many. Those children have been so central not only to how our time is spent, but also to our sense of self.

I think it is important to develop our own social life and interests, and that it is good that when the children want something from us, we sometimes say "Sorry I'm going to xyz that day and cannot oblige." Not only does that send out a message that we are sometimes busy with our own stuff; but it also helps to free them from the responsibility for our happiness, whilst they are also working and bringing up a family.

This does not mean that love is not there; but it brings in a sense of respect for the other party - for their right to a life of their own.

I am not immune from the occasional twinge that says I wish they had included me in something, or that they had remembered an important date, but the overall picture of how we relate is good. When I have these feelings I try to take the opportunity to make sure that I take an interest in what was done and hope to send a message that it makes me hapoy to know that they are doing things that they enjoy.

It is a strange role and one that we probably never thought about beforehand or planned for - so we are all busking it a bit!

I've never heard of FaceTime either .

FaceTime is Skype for iPhones. Brilliant if both parties have a good wifi signal. Unfortunately, that is very rarely the case.

Yes Coolgran I think our children mean more to us than we do to them. My son finds it hard to have a conversation with me but he says that's just the way he is. Him and his partner never ask me any questions about my life and show no interest in hubby and me at all. They have my two granddaughters but every communication comes from me,if I left it to them they would never get in touch. His partner is just the same as him they're like twins speared at birth. I find it so hurtful that he can hardly speak to me as he is my firstborn and I miss the little boy he used to be. My daughter is completely different and a real friend to me. I once read if there is something you can do nothing about you have to learn to live with it and let it go. That's how I feel now but there's so much I'd love to share with both of them but feel I just can't be the only one speaking anymore. DGD who's four was in a nativity play at nursery and her mum still hasn't even spoke about it but DGD asked me why I wasn't there to see her when her nana and her Nana's sister were. Ah well these things are set to try us.

Jenty61 and Daisyboots - getting to actually see them could be stretching it a bit - the camera spent more time facing the ceiling or a blank wall - but yes, I do know what you mean, some sort of effort was made.

My orginal post was made at a moment when I was filled with much disappointment. That disappointment has been pushed into a corner and a lid put on it (even if the lid tries to pop up now and again).

A lot of good advice from many posters.

Lucky girl makes a very good point about matching expectations and hopes - I try to make a point of being open and honest about what I would like and enquire about what is possible, sometimes the other way round, which is usually followed by a compromise which suits everyone and particularly the DGC. Another good point about developing a new life for oneself after the children have flown the nest - the higher our hopes and expectations of the DC and DGC the further we fall if those hopes are not fulfilled. And the bigger the burden on those who do (not) fulfil them for us!

I decided, some time ago, that if I wanted to visit with them I would do so, provided it was a viable/realistic possibility because I wanted to and not because any of us had a duty to, or because it was Christmas or birthday or whatever. Simply because I love them all to bits and want to spend some time with them. It seems to have worked okay so far.

annemac we are in the same boat with our uncommunicative sons. See my earlier post on this thread. I am at a loss how to deal with my DS and the hurt it causes me. DS and DIL are so strict about my 4 year old DGD's manners and being polite yet their behaviour is frankly ignorant! I won't be a nag or do anything to make them feel they've GOT to speak to me. I just want DS to be genuine and want to communicate pleasantly now and then. He never makes eye contact, but that's only with me. Hard to understand and cope with it

We are lucky and have our daughter, SiL and granddaughters here in France this year, but we haven't seen our son at Christmas for over twenty years and have never had Christmas with those grandchildren. We always Skype to watch the present opening and it works fine. This year we gave both grandchildren android tablets. Our granddaughter (7) shouted with joy when she unwrapped it, which was wonderful, but even better was when she Skyped us all on her own the following evening from her bedroom.
I think Skype and Facetime work much better as the children get older and I love seeing snatches of their everyday lives.

Yeah, I think skype and FT are great but limited. Best, IMO, for brief contact. to say hello and maybe see how the GC have grown and so forth. Can't expect too much of little ones on these or even a regular phone cuz they get distracted. If we lower our expectations, I think, we're less likely to get disappointed.

I also agree that our AC mean more to us than vice versa. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be as they need to pay it forward and focus on their own lives and families. It's bound to hurt, sometimes, I admit. But if we keep that in mind, maybe it won't hurt as much.

Nanaseaside, was that new GC born yet? If so, congrats and best wishes to all!