How do you persuade an elderly relative it's time to stop driving?

Totally agree with Shinyredcar.... and also Stansgran re arrogance perspective. To add insult to injury, quite a few of my DH's friends at the golf club ( not him I hasten to add) drink far too much alcohol and then go
and drive home as ' it's not far'!! Outrageous.

When my father was in his late 70s he became concerned that his driving might not be up to scratch! He lived in an area with a lot of elderly drivers & was aware of some of the interesting manoeuvres some of them undertook. Sensibly he asked a local driving instructor to assess his driving & when told he was safe, he asked him to give him 4 lessons to iron out any issues of concern. He also didn't drive at night due to cataracts.

Hopefully I will be as sensible. I rarely drive in the dark now as I am developing cataracts & find the headlight glare difficult especially on unlit country roads.

As others have said, involve your GP. If your Mum won't go to the GP get a home visit and write a note to the doctor telling of your concerns and the GP will do the deed for you. That way you will not be seen as the bad guy stopping your Mum driving. she shouldn't be on the road by the sound of it and before there is an accident it would be better to act. if her driving isn't up to standard her insurance might be invalid. The DVLA will also help.

We had the same problem with Dad when he was in his mid eighties and suffering from macular degeneration ( he's now registered blind). Mum insisted she was his eyes when he was driving!!! It took an altercation with a lorry on the A1,in which no one was hurt but his car was written off, to make him stop driving. Poor chap cried for a week. It's never easy to admit something has to go due to advancing years.

I would add that the optician was still saying he was fit to drive. Things need tightening up with regards to medical fitness to drive. It's the same out here. My husband has just had to renew his driving licence as he is over 70 and get a Spanish one. He had to take a simulated driving test which he said didn't go too well but he still got his licence.

We tried everything to stop mother driving when she kept having minor incidents which were only minor because there was no-one behind her when she reversed up the kerb. I wouldn't let my youngsters go in the car with her. The crunch came when she rode an electric supermarket mobility scooter towards a friend in the store and knocked her down. I thought she had killed her and in fact she died not long later but not as the result of the accident.
It shook me up and was the last straw. I got my brother (she never trusted my judgement in anything) to declare the car unsafe to use and it disappeared to his drive to be 'mended', never to return. We showed her how it would save her money to use taxis rather than drive her own car and she liked the sound of that but chose to rely on kind friends, and of course family.
I have told my daughter to make sure I stop driving if she considers me unsafe. She relies on me for childcare and ferrying grandchildren so she won't tell me too soon but neither would she let me drive with precious children on board if she had the slightest doubt. I am fortunate insofar as we live in London so have buses and trains as well as taxis and I could live without a car if need be.

We have had this issue for the last year with my mil who is 82, ever since she had both her cataracts done her confidence has taken a nose dive because the optician told her not to drive until she had the one done, waiting and recovery took about 3 months and then later the other one was done also another 3 months by then she would find excuses not to drive but would not give up the car. She has now decided that she will not be driving again.
I do think that there should be a full physical and eye exam at say 75.

I agree boulding2 but when an optician says a person with quite severe macular degeneration is still fit to drive I think the qualification for driving reads a serious rethink. More stringent tests say I.

I think that an optician can - perhaps must - notify the DVLA of someone's unfitness to die.

We have this problem currently but the siblings are not all in agreement so on their head be it!

We just told Dad, who thankfully was quite woth it at that stage. Said we were worried he would harm someone. He hated the idea of course, because it represented his independence, but he had the good sense to heed what we said. The irony is that he replaced it with an invalid scooter that, about a year later, was the cause of his death when he overturned it and fractured his pelvis.

One of my friends, in desperation, when all else had failed (GP, DVLA, Stiff talk), had a quiet word with her father's local police. She was advised to alert them when he next nipped off to the doctor's surgery and they pulled him over as he was driving about being erratic (which he most certainly was!).

Whilst this was a few years ago, and local police might now be less than able to help for all kinds of reasons, the friendly chat with the "very nice young bobby" (no charges of course) was all it took to hand over the keys to my friend - even though he lived rurally with not good transport options.

They may be happy to visit to say that "someone had seen him and thought he was rather erratic" perhaps? Fairly drastic but it worked.

My mother in law at 92 is still driving - and to me seems safer than plenty of others I've been a passenger with. I hope I don't have to face this with her in future.... good luck jackypat

I had heard that my husband's uncle was a nightmare on the roads. I met him while visiting my MIL in a care home one day and he offered me a lift back home. It wasn't far and I could have walked it but he wouldn't take no for an answer he was always stubborn. One white knuckle ride later where he couldn't decide what side of the road he was on and I so wore I would refuse next time instead of being polite and not hurting his feelings. He had five children who tried to persuade him to give up and eventually he did because as well as being deaf he was losing his site. Please have that conversation no matter how hard it is . No one's life is worth someone else's pride.

Wilks surly that opticians qualifications should be in question, I think I would have gone for a second opinion.

A very difficult thing to come to terms with if you still think you're capable. My father in law was still driving till his death in his mid 80's - he became a bit car obsessive and bought 3 after his wife died 2 years earlier. He did stop briefly while he was waiting for his cataract ops but was soon behind the wheel again and was quite a good driver. My own father however had to have the car taken from him as he developed both dementia and macular degeneration. He took my husband to the railway station one day and couldn't find the entrance so drove down the wrong side of the road looking for it! We persuaded him without too much argument that if he sold the car he could buy a new TV with the money. Sadly neither he nor my mum could understand how to use it so we were constantly being called round to put it right and always told it wasn't a patch on their ancient one - Dad was convinced they still had valves in them and was always spraying WD40 in the back

I had this problem with my late husband who had a rare form of dementia affecting vision and co-ordination. Problem is that they have no insight into their impairments, so it just appears that everyone else is being unreasonable. On account of the difficulties we had with him, I'm currently involved in a national group making recommendations regarding dementia and driving. The group comprises medical consultants, GPs, DVLA, Alzheimer's Society, the Mobility Centres and others. It should be publishing recommendations by the summer. Jackypat, I realise that you haven't mentioned dementia, but early dementia is often underlying the problems mentioned. For information, anyone who has a diagnosis of dementia MUST, by Law, inform the DVLA and their insurance company.
However, if there is no diagnosis, as in your mum's case, you can write to the DVLA about her, giving your reasons fairly concisely. You must give your name, but they will not reveal their source. Their medical section will most likely send your mum a letter asking her to attend a local Mobility Centre where she will have a driving test and perceptual assessment, following which, they might recommend she cease driving, or offer her a driving licence for a restricted period before re-testing. Many people voluntarily cease driving rather than take the test. You can also talk to her GP. They are not all sympathetic, but many are. If they get a request for medical information from the DVLA, it's best if they are fore-warned that the family think there's a problem.
You can use the economic argument with your mum and dad: you can buy a lot of taxi rides for the price of fuel + insurance + depreciation & you can get a contract with a local taxi firm for very good terms. You are doing the right thing. Good luck!

I did speak to mum and I saw on her iPad she had been looking at this website

www.stillsafetodrive.org.uk/

She asked me to find out where she can be assessed. So thank you everyone for your support and advice

My father had alzheimers at the end but had been driving fast all his life. It became even more terrifying and I insisted that I drove whenever I was with him, and refused to let him drive my children. He once picked up a new car and within 15 minutes had managed to drive under an articulated lorry - totalling the car. Unfortunately the insurance company paid up in full and he bought another one! I think it was friends and the doctor that eventually persuaded him to stop.

I had a 90 plus neighbour once who got into her car after many years as her equally elderly husband was ill. She was uninsured and unsafe! Her SIL phoned and told me to take the keys if it happened again and he said that explained why they were no longer speaking to their doctor. It transpired that he had refused to sign the paperwork for the renewal of her driving licence - does this not still happen? Her grandson arrived next day and disabled her car.

So I concur with others - doctor, take the keys, disable the car, DVLA. Safety is paramount.

We have this issue with 88 yr old FIL-who kept driving despite the cataracts. He's now had one eye done and is currently waiting for a date for the other. It's a 3 hour drive to visit him so we often take the train, but the convenience of the train is outweighed by the fact that he picks us up at the station. We've told him not to bother and we'll get a taxi, but he says there's no point in us wasting money. We've previously booked a taxi and found him sitting there as well -cost us a call out for the taxi! I actually let out an involuntary but audible squeal the last time I was in the car with him-fortunately his hearing issues meant he didn't hear me. He has given up driving at night but he needs to stop completely. DH and his sister have had many conversations with him but to no avail. He'll be completely isolated in his village if he doesn't drive-there are no amenities whatsoever-and this is why he's continuing to drive. Getting him to move is totally out of the question, it's like a red rag to a bull and there's nothing wrong with his voice or temper. WW3 breaks out every time giving up the car is mentioned.

Boulding2, I have heard of other opticians who have 'passed' people as competent to drive when clearly they weren't. Also, persuading my parents to go for a second opinion when they had faith in their optician was another issue!

A friend of mine, her husband suffered with Parkinson's disease and still drove his car. I often wondered if the DVLA knew about this and how he had kept his licence. Perhaps he didn't tell them.

Jacky, I'm glad the conversation with your mother went well and she's ready and willing to be assessed. The fact that she was looking at that website says to me that she's hoping to be able to keep driving. But, at least, now, she's aware there's a problem and is focused on safety.

I had this issue w/ my own mother, years ago, when she was in her early 80s (she has since passed away, but not from a driving accident, TG!). But, fortunately, she had begun to realize herself that her driving days were over, so it all it took was one conversation to get her off the road.

Here's hoping all works out with your mother! Please let us know.

It's not just the elderly, there are plenty on the Atrial Fibrillation forum finding excuses for not notifying the DVLA, including one of the moderators.

Been there. Bought the T shirt. Its a huge dilemma. DM and SF lived in about as remote location as you can imagine , no nearby houses - no bus service - nearest taxi firm 12 miles away etc so removing her licence meant taking away any independence and on a practical level meant she was housebound with bad tempered OH (he was amputee so only able to go out on a high speed mobility scooter risking everyone's life and limb for miles around) but on the other hand she was going to cause an accident one day. As a previously excellent driver, member of the Institute of Advanced Motorists etc etc it was a tough call. I went via the GP so he could get the blame not me, and she was told she had to attend an assessment course. It was about 3 hrs away and quite impossible to get her to it. So I'm afraid I told her she was not allowed to drive. I ordered her shopping on-line and we insured a local handyman to drive her car so she could still escape from time to time. She was very unhappy but as my DD said, "how would you feel if she caused a fatal accident?" Taking away someone's independence is horrible, but the consequences of an accident are worse. I have a driving lesson from time to time and feel this is a huge help in keeping me up to date and on my toes.

Just been for eye test. The optician tells me that they can tell the GP when somone is unfit to drive but are not allowed to tell the DVLA. Why ever not, one wonders!
Also, of course, passing the required test is in ideal, well lit conditions is different from seeing in the dark, or poor weather, possibly through a dirty windscreen or smeared spectacles. He didn't say as much but I suspect he didn't think the test adequate.