Should I talk to DD about her weight or just keep schtum ?

Thank God for some sense from Rubylady!

Wilmaknickersfit we can't make this a thread about a thread, but in all situations you do what is best for your child. I made that quite clear on the thread we are not talking about.

(I was waiting for that question actually. Why is it people on here can never quite their heads round what someone is trying to put over )

Feeling concern no, interfering in their lives yes.

I work on the principle of only giving advice etc when asked (or try to!). I'm sure your daughter is well aware of her weight problem and probably unhappy about it. She is the only one who can do anything about it but only when she really wants to. It's difficult enough then. I would just keep quiet and love her for who she is.

Entirely agree. I would not have welcomed any advice/interference from my own mother

Glammanana - my daughter is in a similar situation, my ex son in law walked out on my daughter and 3 grandkiddies. When things didn't go to plan with his new partner he came back to my daughter for 6 months then walked out again on them with another different partner to go to. My daughter was desperately unhappy and over the two years this was happening did put on a lot of weight. Then she got a promotion at work that meant moving away. For the first 3 months she was here on her own and she did lose quite a bit of weight and, with the encouragement of her new work colleagues, started going to the gym and walking at lunch time. Unfortunately, since myself and the grandkiddies also moved here there hasn't been the same time for her to do the gym but now we are more settled I have suggested she starts going again - I usually put the grandkiddies to bed in the evenings anyway (unless she wants to) so makes no difference to me if she wanted to go out for an hour or so. I have never commented on her weight gain as I think she has had enough to deal with without what I am sure she would have seen as upsetting and unkind comments by me however carefully I had phrased them.

She'll know she's putting on weight. You sound warm and understanding and that is probably the best you can be for your daughter if she decides she want to talk about it to you. Everyone else has said it better than I could. I am going to try and upload an image which got myself and a friend laughing..and talking about how it was time we tackled those little demons in the cupboard....

A difficult one but I feel you should do something and soon. My late mother-in-law never pushed a similar issue with her son. The result was that he became obese and diabetic. Tackling him might have made him think and improved his situation. You may get an adverse reaction but it won't make her situation worse and may just steer her in the right direction.

No Mersey , it could make it much worse ! leading to fall outs recrimination and wounds that never heal

Hello everyone

I'm a daughter rather than a gran, I have always had weight issues and am classed as "morbidly obese", (although my lovely, sensitive doctor tries not to let me see that when he types it onto his records!)
I've come to terms with my weight and although I'm far from happy with the size and shape I am, it doesn't stop me being me. I look at my body image and the clothes I wear as a case of people see I'm fat if I'm wearing something resembling a tent, but they also see me as fat if I'm at the gym in shorts and a tshirt, and at least then, I am trying to change it.... however, I'm 41yrs old, I have a big personality and I have spent at least 30yrs of my life with weight problems, so I have had time to deal with how I handle it.
My mum and aunties have never pussyfooted around it, they have always mentioned that I'm a big girl and dragged me to "outsize shops", which as a teenager was devastating. However, no amount of nudging and mentioning and salad have helped, I am still the size of an ox.
If you have a daughter who is big or who has gained weight, she knows it. She knows it by the clothes that are too small now, and the stairs that are harder to climb, and that she cant keep up with the children as well as she did, and she's probably miserable about it.
Weight is a difficult one to tackle, and to lose it your head has to be in the right place. In the last year I have lost 5.5stones and am continuing to eat healthily and get more exercise, but I still have lapses where I eat like a monster (I gained a stone in December! - lost half of that again now though)
My advice would be not to mention it directly. If you have a few lbs to lose maybe suggest that YOU want to go to slimming world and would like some company, or that you want to take up a new class - it doesn't have to be an exercise class, but something like dancing or rambling, or geocaching - that way the children can go too.
The class thing, with the bit of exercise involved, is great, because even if no weight comes off, it will help to keep you and your daughter fitter and mean you meet new people and you will get to spend some proper time together - something I miss with my mum now I'm a grown up and have my own home/kids/pets/work/bills etc etc to worry about.
Also, instead of pointing out that shes getting plump, give hugs, make tea, ask how she is. Don't pass judgement if she tells you shes 3months behind with the rent or that shes been called into the school because the children are being a pain, just hug her more and make another brew. Listen and love, be her friend. She loves you, she doesn't want to let you down, so don't let her think she is (even if you feel like putting her across your knee!)

Remember my father mentioning my weight to me, as I was rushing in to see him with 2 little ones in tow. I was so cross, I felt bad enough as it was whilst he was sitting there, waiting for me to bring him dinner, that I had rushed to cook for him.
Don't mention it as it will be seen as criticism and if she is at all concerned herself it will make it worse.
If she wants to diet she will

The point you seem to be missing jingl is that while you are lucky, and in the minority, inasmuch as you seem to be able to tell your children what to do and how to live their lives, that is not generally the case.

Most people in this thread know, from past experience, that unasked for advice is not welcome, or well received, and can at best cause resentment.

The question wouldn't have been asked unless the OP sensed this would be a touchy subject.

You may consider this wariness as odd and unmaternal but it's nothing of the sort.

Having been fat myself, yes, fat, as a comfort eater, I sympathise will all concerned. The first time I lost weight was because my appetite vanished, owing to an emotionally traumatic time in my marriage. Then the weight came back and many years later I was diagnosed with diabetes, so I cut out all the sugary food I love, and my weight dropped dramatically, although occasional binges mean I am a little bit bigger than I should be. My DD has a demanding professional job, 2 youngish kids, a drongo husband and an anxious personality, and is very overweight. She is highly intelligent and understands the health risks of carrying too much weight, but still eats vast quantities of food. When I speak to her about her weight she bites my head off. Before we can change our behaviours something has to click on in our head in the self will department, and no-one can do it for us. I think most overweight people are probably unhappy, but we have to find something to focus on to take us away from food: for me, now gardening and knitting socks. Seeing overweight children, in particular, makes me very sad, it's a form of parental abuse to allow kids to over- eat the wrong foods which supermarkets plug, but I sympathise with modern parents: it's a different world now and I think the pressures are greater. Women presently seem to have to do 3 jobs then put up with constant media criticism, even though latent. To sum up: speaking to your daughter about her weight will achieve nothing jus support her in other ways, as I'm sure you do, and hope for the best.

Difficult - I have the same problem only for the opposire reasons. My daughter is, in my opinion, far too thin. Although she has always been slim, when I saw her at Christmas I was shocked to see each vertabrae when she bent over. She eats well and healthily, although if she is presented with spotted dick and custard it will be down into her stomach in no time at all! I did mention her weight to her but she fobbed me off. My sis reminded me that Our Mother used to say the same to me ...... My worry is that she has no fat reserves if she became ill.

Just read the posts and I have to say what really lovely people you gransnetters are: if only I could invite you all round for a cup of tea, dear old girls!

Anya I do not tell my children how to live their lives. I wouldn't dream of doing so. But I'm glad to say we are a very close family, and we can talk about just about anything without anyone getting upset. Or at least not for very long.

The basic love you share with your kids when they are little never goes away. Why would it? It isn't interfering. I'm sorry if you can't understand that.

I have said what I would do. Talk about it, but sensitively. But only the OP knows her own family really.

I have always been a bit borderline underweight and overly figure conscious. I married a man whose maternal family were all wildly overweight simply because they liked to over indulge in eating the wrong things. Since he was with me my husband ate healthily and didn't put on the amount of weight his relatives did.

However, my two children have taken after his side of the family and one is about three stone overweight and the other yo-yos after an overweight childhood. The youngest went on a diet when in year eleven and found that from being totally shunned at school because she was the wrong shape she became incredibly popular which alerted her to the fact that others judge 'fat issues' without telling others what they really think.

This is my dilemma. I have got used to the idea that my children will never be slim and I am OK with that. I always think to myself, who would you rather spend an hour with: Victoria Wood or Victoria Beckham? Wit is always going to win out over weight in entertainment terms. And both of my kids are clever, interesting and funny company.

However, I have two real concerns: one is , of course, the health angle and I really fear that the eldest will develop diabetes and suffer from other life threatening weight related issues. The other is that while I no longer judge, I know that others do (even though they think and say they don't) and that being more than chubby is harming the work and life chances of my children. The eldest has never had a girlfriend and he is approaching thirty.

It's a real conundrum. Weight seems to be the touchiest of areas. It's a minefield and, having had to navigate it for 27 years I still don't know what is best, speak or remain silent.

In answer to your question - depends on your relationship - does she tend to get defensive with you?
And if you feel your relationship can take it - how are your communication skills?
Are you able to talk about this from the point of view of a concerned and loving listener who is able to listen and avoid giving advice or making suggestions?
(Have to say I have yet to crack this one, re my DH and his weight, as he is very defensive - the kind of personality that hears criticism where none intended...)

My daughter is size18 with an enormous backside but she cycles, runs and goes to the gym several times a week so I don't feel I can say anything. However I went through a bad patch 10 years ago and comfort ate. I went up to size18/20. Do never complained but it was my mother's comments about how fat I was that made me do something about it (joined WW and lost 2 stone). I shall be eternally grateful to my Mum!

I'd say something.

Tough love, OP

I didn't see my eldest DD for four years and when she got off the boat I only realised it was her because she was pushing a buggy. I was gobsmacked to the point of total silence. She remained that way too - then she andy other 2 dd's cut off all contact, so what she's like now, godnoes. Middle DD was a bit on the plump side, for all I know, she's the same now. I hope not.

Just another word of caution, your daughter knows she's overweight, she knows she should do something about, she's probably already getting nasty comments and snidey remarks about it, she really needs you to be the person she can be with to accept her for who she is, please don't make comments disguised to 'encourage her' to diet, they are more transparent than you think, I have had to put up with this for years, until I took my own mother to task about it, and now she is starting on my daughter (only to me thank goodness) and I have had to have words with her about that as well, my daughter is really good at accepting her weight problem, and doesn't allow it to get in the way of her and her family having fun, unfortunately I can't say the same, I can't dance in public, have my photograph taken, go on holiday with others etc etc all because I have had my nose rubbed in it for many years, as you can probably tell I feel quite bitter about it, at least my husband and children accept me the way I am. To be concise, she already knows she's overweight, wait for her to bring the subject up, and if she does, be supportive and offer help, no more.

I concur with most of what jingl says. I am constantly amazed on these forums as to how so many feel they have to tread on broken glass with their children. surely if you have a good and open relationship with your children you can talk about most things in a sensitive manner without causing WW3. Of course we go on caring and offering advice to our children, it doesn't have to seem controlling - discussions I have with my DCs and DCiLs are totally friendly, a two way street. If they want to take my advice - although I do say that I do not give advice just offer an opinion - which they frequently do and ask for it, then that is up to them and I don't take offence if they do something else - it's their life. But I think they feel they can come to me any time with worries as they often do..

Regarding weight, my DDIL and I have weight gain problems and often discuss it. My DD is a different matter - she was once bulimic and although is no longer, at pushing 40 I think she is far too thin, she runs nearly every day and very controlling about her exercise and eating. Although she does thank goodness eat a healthy balanced diet but not enough of it. Given the possible condition it is not recommended to discuss it ad infinitum, a specialist nurse during the bulimia phase told me that I should have an agreement with my daughter that she ate one 'proper' meal a day and in return I could ask questions once a month. this worked. So now I just gently suggest that she should eat more between meals and watch that she does not exhaust herself with the running, home and children. And I am also able to discuss it with her husband and mother in law.

For those that feel they cannot have open conversations with their children - have you considered that in fact they might be longing for you to do just that?

Not all adult children are the same annifrance. And as Jess has pointed out, parents' communication skills are variable too.
What some may regard as an 'open conversation', others may regard as a hurtful invasion of privacy, insensitively expressed.
There are many stories on Gransnet of parents who have managed to alienate their adult DCs.
Some of us think there but for the grace of God, and just don't want to risk going there.
I agree with Anya that standing back, letting them live their own lives and making their own mistakes doesn't mean that we don't love them or care very deeply about them.

I've actually got the opposite thing with my elder DD. She enjoys exercising, and I think she may have be come slightly obsessed with it. We (other daughter and I) think she is getting too thin. We both make the odd remark. She does seem to get cold after cold which is a bit worrying. DD2 gets more serious about it than I do. I know when I'm beaten, so I mostly leave her to it.