Should I talk to DD about her weight or just keep schtum ?

annifrance nobody is saying they can't have open conversations with their children.

They're saying this is one subject where if you it bringing up, you are likely to hurt your daughter's feelings and add to the reasons why an intelligent woman is overweight. If you already talk about this subject, then you are in a different situation to the OP and many posters.

I still remember snapping my Mum's head off on Christmas morning with my Mum when I was 37 because she tried to tell me how to peel a carrot - as I stood over the kitchen sink peeling carrots. It was a last straw moment for me and my way of telling my Mum to back off for a bit. We're really close and most of the time that's a great thing, but Mums don't always make things better.

Some Mums can't help themselves from interfering, because that's what this is about. It's natural to feel concern, but sometimes you need to just hold your tongue and keep your thoughts to yourself until you're asked for your opinion.

Absolutely do not mention anything to your DD about her weight!
After DS was born I started gaining weight, no too much, but as I'd always been skinny it was very noticeable.
My mum started by gently reminding me that I could do with dropping a few pounds, which upset me, so I headed for the nearest biccie tin/packet of crisps/bread bin etc!
Her next move was to try emotional blackmail, the 'what if you get so fat that you can't run around with DS'?
When that didnt work, she started trying the humiliation thing, if we went out for lunch, even if I had a salad, she'd loudly comment that I 'shouldn't be eating that'!
All she succeeded in doing was making me dislike spending time with her, which was really awful as we'd always had a very close and loving relationship.
She suffered from a life limiting illness, and as this progressed, I took long term unpaid leave from my career to care for her, which was difficult in the extreme, she became totally obsessed with my weight, apart from her own illness it was her main topic of conversation! Every evening, I went home and ate everything I could lay hands on, often standing in the kitchen crying whilst stuffing my face! It didn't matter what DH or DS said, the only thing that made me feel better was food!
I was eventually diagnosed with depression (no surprise there), and after treatment started I managed to get my food cravings under control a little, but even though mum could see that I was losing weight, it wasn't fast enough for her, so the comments continued!
Mum passed away almost seven years ago, but I didn't start losing weight 'properly' until finding out that I was to become a grandmother, proving that the weight loss happened when I wanted it to, not because someone else pointed it out to me!
So, please, please, please, don't mention it to your daughter. I'm not saying that you'd become obsessive about it in the way that my mum did, but if she is 'comfort eating', you run the risk of making her much, much worse!
Sorry that this has been an essay, but it's a subject that I have much painful personal experience of! X

Good post Juggernaut.

I agree and can relate to the posters who are the daughters in this situation and shared their feelings.

Perhaps say that you went to put on (pick item of clothing ) and struggled to do up zip/button - saying you over indulged in Christmas. Then check your BMI and (even though you may be thin ) say it's definitely gone up a little. Then ask your daughter if she knows hers after perhaps saying your husband/sister Tec stays stable/ gone down whatever. You could then say you have decided not to diet but set yourself the challenge of a 6 week healthy eating ie. No cake,biscuits,dessert etc (even if you only do this whilst in her company) and that you fancy a partner to help. If she says she will join you she might like the weightloss outcome and carry on.

It is not "treading on eggshells", and neither does it indicate a lack of concern, to be wary about broaching the subject of weight. The people who feel that approaching a person directly might not be the best thing to do, are every bit as concerned.

I think pamhockin and juggernaut - both of whom say they have weight issues - made some very touching and insightful comments. Someone who is overweight is bound to be aware of the fact and possibly quite anxious about it. Pointing out the obvious may well lead to further anxiety and could exacerbate feelings of low self-worth.

I would probably offer to buy her a few months' subscription to Dietchef.

Thanks for all the helpful advice here. I am hesitant to raise the issue, not because I "walk on eggshells " or "can't have an open conversation" , more that I do not want to be seen as interfering and for any comments to be hurtful or indeed, have a negative effect. I will continue to be supportive, and unconditionally accepting of her as she is. I think that this is what many of you have said.

Exactly Eloethan You have hit the nail on the head. My mother was slim but myself and DD struggle with our weight. Now DGD aged 8 looks as if she could follow suit .We are desperate to help her and have even bought a trampoline for her to exercise on and do our best to provide healthy food but we don't want to send her on the downhill path to anorexia.

Just come back from visiting my 86 year old mother-" I really don't understand why you & your sister are so fat - you hardly eat anything "
Can't win can I ! (grin)

I think it's best to say nothing.

You don't want to put any pressure on her, and I always think it's best to be supportive, not negative.

If she wears something that makes her look slimmer, remark how nice she looks, but definitely no chats about weight.

Suzie, I know from my own experience that it is a very fine line between giving advice and being seen as interfering. Sometimes I step over it without meaning to.
Good on you for asking for advice before coming to a wise ( imo ) decision.

I'm waving a white flag on the end of my rifle barrel as I cautiously raise my head above the parapet. I have to agree with Jings and two or three others on this. Why is a simple conversation so apparently fraught with pitfalls and dangers? A hug at the appropriate moment, an acknowledgement that you realise you're not saying anything she doesn't already know, you're concerned for any possible health risks, an offer of help and support as, when and if she decides she wants to do anything about it, tell her you love her and will always be there for her and then change the subject. Nothing intense, controlling, dictatorial-just an expression of love and concern for a fellow human being. Don't mention it again-the ball is now firmly in her court.

I would have - indeed have had - conversations with friends about various significant issues. I wouldn't be much of a friend if I wasn't there for them. They've also had similar conversations with me. There are ways and ways of expressing concern.

Dd1 and I are currently going to weight loss classes together. We have great fun, a laugh and provide mutual support. This wouldn't be happening if we didn't talk.

I most definitely talk about weight gain with my DD. Over the last year she has gone up a few dress sizes after being a size 8-10 for most of her adult life,except when pregnant. I too weigh more than I have ever done so after chattng to each other about clothes not fitting and being self conscious,I suggested we go to Weight watchers together and she readily agreed. I see no wrong in discussing these issues with your DC when it is only done so out of concern for their welfare.

She's almost certainly aware that she has a weight problem and may welcome a bit of encouragement. But could be glandular, or even psychological; how about encouraging her to have a general medical check-up - I quite like the idea of making it appear that you think you're concerned about your own health.

I think it is interesting that your DD has a tough job and has just been promoted, there is some evidence that stress at work makes people fat.
www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20889404,00.html
I was always over weight but when I retired I dropped a considerable amount of weight seemingly without dieting.
It might be useful for her to join a Tai Chi or Yoga class this would give her exercise and help her to deal with work stress. You could go along as well.
I wouldn't discuss her weight unless she raises the subject.

I am fat, all my life fat. Oddly enough, as I am highly intelligent and observant, I could actually see that for myself every single time I looked in the mirror. If my mother had suggested unprompted, however gently, that I might need to lose weight, I would have seen it as a huge betrayal - home is where they are supposed to accept and love you no matter what, and telling you that your weight is an issue would feel like I wasn't good enough. If she gives you an 'in', then certainly, go for it, as she is obviously receptive to the idea; otherwise no.

How can concern for your health be interpreted as rejection? It's exactly the opposite.....we care so much that we don't want our children to suffer any unecessary health issues.

Easily Katek and I think princesspamma has said how I felt. I expected unconditional love from my Mum and and voicing her concerns uninvited felt like she was saying I wasn't not good enough just as I was. I knew I was overweight and felt bad enough about it without her saying something. I actually ended up telling her to stop bringing it up. She was never confrontational, but I felt like she was nagging me and it started to affect our relationship.

In later years we talked about it and I talk to her about it now, but it was me who opened the subject for discussion again, not her. I would add I've had a problem with depression for a long time and although I was on medication and had several spells of counselling, I didn't tell my Mum for years. Her moving hundreds of miles away made this possible. The root cause of my depression is the belief that goes right back to my childhood that I am not good enough. Now my Mum is a huge support to me and we can discuss anything including my weight and depression. She confides in me too and we're closer than ever these days, but she learned the hard way with me and one of my younger brothers that her children are adults and will talk when they're ready.

PS pinknanny your post did make me laugh!

I wouldn't say anything to her about her weight. I am sure she is aware of her problem and probably has things going on that you might not even know about, who knows. This is her journey, she has to walk her path. I would hope down the road that she will do something herself. I too have put on weight due to an illness which I am struggling with but will be ok. I have just started watching my weight again and exercising. She has to get there herself, she will recognize it when its the right time.

Thanks jing. What is it with "not children?" My children will be my children until I take my last breath, no matter what age we all are! And yes, if I thought it was appropriate I would say something that they might not like because I think as their mum it is my duty to make sure that they stay as healthy as possible and while I am still alive I will do that. My mum would have told me and my grandparents certainly wouldn't have wrapped it up, I'd have been told straight. As they would about anything else they'd have been concerned about, it didn't all end once I turned 18 or got married.

"Should I duck now" thread, offspring referred to as "children".

How to win friends and influence people!

Reading through this thread, I saw that most of the posters who have actual experience of being over weight themselves, have said they wouldn't want their Mum saying anything to them. In fact it could be counter productive, possibly drive them to eat more and also resent and avoid their Mum.

I too will always want to help my adult children and would do almost anything for them. BUT I know they are adults and I have to bite my tongue and let them do things their way, however much I think it's wrong for them sometimes. I am just there for them always as a non critical loving support whatever happens.

If you talk to them about their weight, unless they mention it first, in the vast majority of cases it will not make them suddenly see the light and lose the weight. They already beat themselves up mentally about it, they are totally aware that they are too fat. You speaking out will make them even more unhappy, because they've lost the one person who supplied unconditional love.