Should I talk to DD about her weight or just keep schtum ?

I wouldn't say anything to her about her weight. I am sure she is aware of her problem and probably has things going on that you might not even know about, who knows. This is her journey, she has to walk her path. I would hope down the road that she will do something herself. I too have put on weight due to an illness which I am struggling with but will be ok. I have just started watching my weight again and exercising. She has to get there herself, she will recognize it when its the right time.

PS pinknanny your post did make me laugh!

Easily Katek and I think princesspamma has said how I felt. I expected unconditional love from my Mum and and voicing her concerns uninvited felt like she was saying I wasn't not good enough just as I was. I knew I was overweight and felt bad enough about it without her saying something. I actually ended up telling her to stop bringing it up. She was never confrontational, but I felt like she was nagging me and it started to affect our relationship.

In later years we talked about it and I talk to her about it now, but it was me who opened the subject for discussion again, not her. I would add I've had a problem with depression for a long time and although I was on medication and had several spells of counselling, I didn't tell my Mum for years. Her moving hundreds of miles away made this possible. The root cause of my depression is the belief that goes right back to my childhood that I am not good enough. Now my Mum is a huge support to me and we can discuss anything including my weight and depression. She confides in me too and we're closer than ever these days, but she learned the hard way with me and one of my younger brothers that her children are adults and will talk when they're ready.

How can concern for your health be interpreted as rejection? It's exactly the opposite.....we care so much that we don't want our children to suffer any unecessary health issues.

I am fat, all my life fat. Oddly enough, as I am highly intelligent and observant, I could actually see that for myself every single time I looked in the mirror. If my mother had suggested unprompted, however gently, that I might need to lose weight, I would have seen it as a huge betrayal - home is where they are supposed to accept and love you no matter what, and telling you that your weight is an issue would feel like I wasn't good enough. If she gives you an 'in', then certainly, go for it, as she is obviously receptive to the idea; otherwise no.

I think it is interesting that your DD has a tough job and has just been promoted, there is some evidence that stress at work makes people fat.
www.health.com/health/gallery/0,,20889404,00.html
I was always over weight but when I retired I dropped a considerable amount of weight seemingly without dieting.
It might be useful for her to join a Tai Chi or Yoga class this would give her exercise and help her to deal with work stress. You could go along as well.
I wouldn't discuss her weight unless she raises the subject.

She's almost certainly aware that she has a weight problem and may welcome a bit of encouragement. But could be glandular, or even psychological; how about encouraging her to have a general medical check-up - I quite like the idea of making it appear that you think you're concerned about your own health.

I most definitely talk about weight gain with my DD. Over the last year she has gone up a few dress sizes after being a size 8-10 for most of her adult life,except when pregnant. I too weigh more than I have ever done so after chattng to each other about clothes not fitting and being self conscious,I suggested we go to Weight watchers together and she readily agreed. I see no wrong in discussing these issues with your DC when it is only done so out of concern for their welfare.

I'm waving a white flag on the end of my rifle barrel as I cautiously raise my head above the parapet. I have to agree with Jings and two or three others on this. Why is a simple conversation so apparently fraught with pitfalls and dangers? A hug at the appropriate moment, an acknowledgement that you realise you're not saying anything she doesn't already know, you're concerned for any possible health risks, an offer of help and support as, when and if she decides she wants to do anything about it, tell her you love her and will always be there for her and then change the subject. Nothing intense, controlling, dictatorial-just an expression of love and concern for a fellow human being. Don't mention it again-the ball is now firmly in her court.

I would have - indeed have had - conversations with friends about various significant issues. I wouldn't be much of a friend if I wasn't there for them. They've also had similar conversations with me. There are ways and ways of expressing concern.

Dd1 and I are currently going to weight loss classes together. We have great fun, a laugh and provide mutual support. This wouldn't be happening if we didn't talk.

Suzie, I know from my own experience that it is a very fine line between giving advice and being seen as interfering. Sometimes I step over it without meaning to.
Good on you for asking for advice before coming to a wise ( imo ) decision.

I think it's best to say nothing.

You don't want to put any pressure on her, and I always think it's best to be supportive, not negative.

If she wears something that makes her look slimmer, remark how nice she looks, but definitely no chats about weight.

Just come back from visiting my 86 year old mother-" I really don't understand why you & your sister are so fat - you hardly eat anything "
Can't win can I ! (grin)

Exactly Eloethan You have hit the nail on the head. My mother was slim but myself and DD struggle with our weight. Now DGD aged 8 looks as if she could follow suit .We are desperate to help her and have even bought a trampoline for her to exercise on and do our best to provide healthy food but we don't want to send her on the downhill path to anorexia.

Thanks for all the helpful advice here. I am hesitant to raise the issue, not because I "walk on eggshells " or "can't have an open conversation" , more that I do not want to be seen as interfering and for any comments to be hurtful or indeed, have a negative effect. I will continue to be supportive, and unconditionally accepting of her as she is. I think that this is what many of you have said.

I would probably offer to buy her a few months' subscription to Dietchef.

It is not "treading on eggshells", and neither does it indicate a lack of concern, to be wary about broaching the subject of weight. The people who feel that approaching a person directly might not be the best thing to do, are every bit as concerned.

I think pamhockin and juggernaut - both of whom say they have weight issues - made some very touching and insightful comments. Someone who is overweight is bound to be aware of the fact and possibly quite anxious about it. Pointing out the obvious may well lead to further anxiety and could exacerbate feelings of low self-worth.

Perhaps say that you went to put on (pick item of clothing ) and struggled to do up zip/button - saying you over indulged in Christmas. Then check your BMI and (even though you may be thin ) say it's definitely gone up a little. Then ask your daughter if she knows hers after perhaps saying your husband/sister Tec stays stable/ gone down whatever. You could then say you have decided not to diet but set yourself the challenge of a 6 week healthy eating ie. No cake,biscuits,dessert etc (even if you only do this whilst in her company) and that you fancy a partner to help. If she says she will join you she might like the weightloss outcome and carry on.

I agree and can relate to the posters who are the daughters in this situation and shared their feelings.

Good post Juggernaut.

Absolutely do not mention anything to your DD about her weight!
After DS was born I started gaining weight, no too much, but as I'd always been skinny it was very noticeable.
My mum started by gently reminding me that I could do with dropping a few pounds, which upset me, so I headed for the nearest biccie tin/packet of crisps/bread bin etc!
Her next move was to try emotional blackmail, the 'what if you get so fat that you can't run around with DS'?
When that didnt work, she started trying the humiliation thing, if we went out for lunch, even if I had a salad, she'd loudly comment that I 'shouldn't be eating that'!
All she succeeded in doing was making me dislike spending time with her, which was really awful as we'd always had a very close and loving relationship.
She suffered from a life limiting illness, and as this progressed, I took long term unpaid leave from my career to care for her, which was difficult in the extreme, she became totally obsessed with my weight, apart from her own illness it was her main topic of conversation! Every evening, I went home and ate everything I could lay hands on, often standing in the kitchen crying whilst stuffing my face! It didn't matter what DH or DS said, the only thing that made me feel better was food!
I was eventually diagnosed with depression (no surprise there), and after treatment started I managed to get my food cravings under control a little, but even though mum could see that I was losing weight, it wasn't fast enough for her, so the comments continued!
Mum passed away almost seven years ago, but I didn't start losing weight 'properly' until finding out that I was to become a grandmother, proving that the weight loss happened when I wanted it to, not because someone else pointed it out to me!
So, please, please, please, don't mention it to your daughter. I'm not saying that you'd become obsessive about it in the way that my mum did, but if she is 'comfort eating', you run the risk of making her much, much worse!
Sorry that this has been an essay, but it's a subject that I have much painful personal experience of! X

annifrance nobody is saying they can't have open conversations with their children.

They're saying this is one subject where if you it bringing up, you are likely to hurt your daughter's feelings and add to the reasons why an intelligent woman is overweight. If you already talk about this subject, then you are in a different situation to the OP and many posters.

I still remember snapping my Mum's head off on Christmas morning with my Mum when I was 37 because she tried to tell me how to peel a carrot - as I stood over the kitchen sink peeling carrots. It was a last straw moment for me and my way of telling my Mum to back off for a bit. We're really close and most of the time that's a great thing, but Mums don't always make things better.

Some Mums can't help themselves from interfering, because that's what this is about. It's natural to feel concern, but sometimes you need to just hold your tongue and keep your thoughts to yourself until you're asked for your opinion.

I've actually got the opposite thing with my elder DD. She enjoys exercising, and I think she may have be come slightly obsessed with it. We (other daughter and I) think she is getting too thin. We both make the odd remark. She does seem to get cold after cold which is a bit worrying. DD2 gets more serious about it than I do. I know when I'm beaten, so I mostly leave her to it.

Not all adult children are the same annifrance. And as Jess has pointed out, parents' communication skills are variable too.
What some may regard as an 'open conversation', others may regard as a hurtful invasion of privacy, insensitively expressed.
There are many stories on Gransnet of parents who have managed to alienate their adult DCs.
Some of us think there but for the grace of God, and just don't want to risk going there.
I agree with Anya that standing back, letting them live their own lives and making their own mistakes doesn't mean that we don't love them or care very deeply about them.

I concur with most of what jingl says. I am constantly amazed on these forums as to how so many feel they have to tread on broken glass with their children. surely if you have a good and open relationship with your children you can talk about most things in a sensitive manner without causing WW3. Of course we go on caring and offering advice to our children, it doesn't have to seem controlling - discussions I have with my DCs and DCiLs are totally friendly, a two way street. If they want to take my advice - although I do say that I do not give advice just offer an opinion - which they frequently do and ask for it, then that is up to them and I don't take offence if they do something else - it's their life. But I think they feel they can come to me any time with worries as they often do..

Regarding weight, my DDIL and I have weight gain problems and often discuss it. My DD is a different matter - she was once bulimic and although is no longer, at pushing 40 I think she is far too thin, she runs nearly every day and very controlling about her exercise and eating. Although she does thank goodness eat a healthy balanced diet but not enough of it. Given the possible condition it is not recommended to discuss it ad infinitum, a specialist nurse during the bulimia phase told me that I should have an agreement with my daughter that she ate one 'proper' meal a day and in return I could ask questions once a month. this worked. So now I just gently suggest that she should eat more between meals and watch that she does not exhaust herself with the running, home and children. And I am also able to discuss it with her husband and mother in law.

For those that feel they cannot have open conversations with their children - have you considered that in fact they might be longing for you to do just that?

Just another word of caution, your daughter knows she's overweight, she knows she should do something about, she's probably already getting nasty comments and snidey remarks about it, she really needs you to be the person she can be with to accept her for who she is, please don't make comments disguised to 'encourage her' to diet, they are more transparent than you think, I have had to put up with this for years, until I took my own mother to task about it, and now she is starting on my daughter (only to me thank goodness) and I have had to have words with her about that as well, my daughter is really good at accepting her weight problem, and doesn't allow it to get in the way of her and her family having fun, unfortunately I can't say the same, I can't dance in public, have my photograph taken, go on holiday with others etc etc all because I have had my nose rubbed in it for many years, as you can probably tell I feel quite bitter about it, at least my husband and children accept me the way I am. To be concise, she already knows she's overweight, wait for her to bring the subject up, and if she does, be supportive and offer help, no more.