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How to handle separation

(10 Posts)
Cosafina Mon 25-Jan-16 15:32:12

My DD split from her partner 3 years ago when DGS was a year old. He immediately took up with another woman whom DGS has grown to love.
Now his daddy and this woman have split up.
How should DD handle this with DGS?

Judthepud2 Mon 25-Jan-16 21:36:34

This is a horrible situation. We go through similar with DGS1 who feels very insecure at times. We try to provide the stable background he and his brother need.

I would be interested to see the advice others provide on this as it is a constant worry to me too.

NanaandGrampy Tue 26-Jan-16 08:47:02

What a difficult situation and how sad for your DGS.

Is there any chance that all the adults in the situation could be amicable and let him still have contact with the woman ? If she wants it also of course.

That would let him see that people do come and go in our lives but she hasn't just disappeared.Im sure she has grown to love him also and in these times of blended families there's always space for a little love.

If everyone is agreeable to contact there's also Facetime or Skype.

If contact isnt possible for whatever reason then I could understand if the little chap has some moments where he wonders what the heck is going on and probably some anxiety about you or his Mum or his Dad also 'disappearing'. Lots of reassurance will be needed I suspect.

maddy47 Tue 26-Jan-16 17:39:30

When my husband and I split up, he took up with a younger lady. I was, as you can image, very upset at the time. However, she moved in with him, and I moved on and found another wonderful man, and she was amazing with my 6 grandchildren, and they loved her.

Last summer my ex decided he wanted an even younger model, and she had to move out. My grandchildren were so upset. They cried. Now my ex is trying to get his grandchildren to love his new lady. They like her, but not as much as his previous partner.

I contacted her on Facebook and we have now become friends. She is very bitter about the whole breakup, but especially about losing contact with my grandchildren, who she loved.

She still sends birthday cards to my grandchildren and would love to see them again.

Judthepud2 Wed 27-Jan-16 00:02:57

I worry about the long term effects these chops and changes of relationships have on young children. What role modelling does it provide?

How have your grandchildren reacted to this situation [Maddy] ?

Grandma2213 Wed 27-Jan-16 02:30:30

Oh dear what a complicated world we are living in. So many grandparents are finding they are often the only stable part of a child's life. I am not sure if all this 'blending' will have a negative effect upon the children or whether, resilient as many of them are, it will make them more tolerant and understanding adults.

I have thought about this a lot as one set of my DGC have so many cousins on their mum's side. She has several sisters with 3 or 4 children all with different dads. The dads also have children with other partners. I don't know them all but there does seem to be an unusual number of behavioural problems reported.

nanaandgrumpy I agree that it is up to the adults to ensure that the children can maintain relationships with ex partners but sadly there is often so much bitterness and hurt the feelings of the children can be ignored.

Teacher11 Wed 27-Jan-16 10:53:40

Men are such heartless, self centred gits aren't they? Not a thought for the consequences of their actions on others. Poor kids.

Having said that women can be the same. My mother left my father and had a series of boyfriends who were always love's young dream until the delusions faded and she got bored with their only too mortal shells. The problem was that one or two of them were lovely and I really got on well with them and missed them when the relationship broke up. I loved the last probably a bit more than my own father and when, after 14 years together, she left him, my sister decreed that we had to favour mum and drop the b/f or we were showing disloyalty I mourned.

Cosafina Wed 27-Jan-16 11:50:45

Thanks everyone.
DD has said she'll let DGS see the ex-Other Woman if they both want it, but unfortunately she also struggles with jealousy because OW got to play 'happy families' with her ex and DGS these last few years - and low self esteem makes her think that DGS will love OW more than her.
I keep telling her fat chance, but sadly she can be a bit erratic with him and of course 4 year olds just want stability and routine and certainty, don't they?

Grandma2213 Thu 28-Jan-16 02:55:28

Cosafina if your DD puts her feelings aside and her DS first, allowing him see the OW makes her the better person. In my experience 4 year olds have a huge capacity for loving different people, mummy, daddy, gran, uncle, teacher etc etc. It shouldn't develop into a competition. As you say stability, routine and certainty are what he needs. Good luck to you all.

NanaandGrampy Thu 28-Jan-16 09:57:09

Cosafina I totally understand where your DD is coming from re Happy Families. You might mention they couldn't have been that happy because they broke up smile small consolation I know but might raise a smile.

Just remind her that whilst her little son may love the OW , when the going gets tough he will ALWAYS want his mummy. Even now ...there are situations in my life where I want my Mum and no one else will do smile.

I hope it all works out because at the end of the day the only one who will miss out in your dear little grandchild . It tough being a Nana sometimes x