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Adapting to lifes changes

(12 Posts)
GrannyPiggy Tue 26-Jan-16 12:30:11

I am wandering how some of you coped with the transition between family at home and then living independently ?
As a stay at home wife and mother for the past 30 odd years I now find myself constantly worrying about making everyone happy
My DH is very dependant on me 'keeping the home fires burning' and relies on me being available on our smallholding while he works a second job and this has always worked for us
However with DD now a new mum but living 2 hour drive away I am torn between helping her and being home, also middle son now has a lady friend and is becoming a rare sight, technically he lives at home and although I'm very happy for him I really miss him around, then youngest is at Uni and he is extremely capable and independent, I'm worried he gets a bit left out because he's so secure
I am sure all will merge into a new chapter but feel torn in all directions
Would love to hear how its worked for some of you !

Sadiesnan Tue 26-Jan-16 12:40:21

I think as women, wives and mothers and grans there is an expectation that we should be available to do all and sundry for everyone. I believe it's not just others who expect it, we also expect it of ourselves.

I completely understand your dilemma, I find it difficult pleasing myself, but this is what you must do. It's your life, so have a think about what will keep you happy and contented? Don't fall into the trap of thinking that looking after everyone's needs is what keeps you happy because there sure is more to life than that! Certainly, a degree of helping out can be very satisfying but your family need to understand you are a person in your own right, not just their gofur. Have a chat with your DH first.

I'm sure you want to spend time with your new DGC, that's only natural. Enjoy the little treasure, they bring us such joy.

Good luck x

mumofmadboys Tue 26-Jan-16 12:41:50

I have 5 sons. They have all left home although one is living with us temporarily before he goes off travelling. Two sons are travelling in India at the moment, one is at uni in Scotland and one at uni in London. Although it was hard work when they were all young and we were both working hard at our jobs I miss them a lot. After a uni holiday I find it hard to readjust when they disappear again. I worry endlessly about them which is such a waste of my emotional energy!! There are plus sides and I do enjoy the times there are just hubby and me at home. It's just getting used to the next stage of life. We haven't any GC as yet and I look forward to that but no long term relationships yet so I may have to wait some time!.

WilmaKnickersfit Tue 26-Jan-16 13:00:31

GrannyPiggy how does it work with your small holding? Are you able to manage it alone and have time to visit your DD? I imagine when the children were at home, they helped out in some ways, so do you have to manage things alone, perhaps with help from your DH?

I'm just thinking that maybe you need to adjust your work life balance (to use it jargon) now that you're a GP and on your own more.

Willow500 Tue 26-Jan-16 13:40:45

It's so long since mine left home I've actually forgotten what life was like with children to look after. My eldest son left at 17 to move in with his gf and the youngest was only 16 when he went 2 years later. He came back a couple of times and also had a couple of band mates living here at one point so the house was always full of noise and laughter. I certainly missed them when they left which must be over 20 years ago now. I think you have to now think that you've done a sterling job looking after your family, husband and your smallholding all these years and now is the time to start thinking about yourself and enjoying a bit of freedom. I went to college for a while but was also working and decided I needed to concentrate on that rather than a course I might never do anything with. I also started taking piano lessons which I really enjoyed. The world's your oyster as they say so go and make the most of it now smile

loopylou Tue 26-Jan-16 16:47:55

I felt a bit redundant and lost when dc2 left home; I seemed to have lost my identity as a mother.

I think it took a year before I adjusted completely.

Moving on to now I'm choosing retirement and the chance to do what I want, including helping out with the dgs. DH will fit in with whatever I want he says, so here's to yet another life change!

luluaugust Tue 26-Jan-16 19:48:46

I think the time when the nest is emptying is one of the most confusing and difficult times for any mum. they aren't at home but they haven't quite gone. I know a smallholding can be very hard work but could you visit DD and DGC once a week or every other week. Middle son may well come and go for a bit, and your son at Uni will probably be back for a while after Uni depending on work. Ours all went off to Uni, the eldest met her husband there and came home for a short while, DD2 didn't come home after Uni until her relationship broke down and she then came back for 3 months and our son came back with girlfriend and stayed for 6 months until they could afford a flat. I agree it will all take a while to settle, good luck.

katie1 Tue 26-Jan-16 20:17:09

I have four children, one is still at home after going to university, but saving to buy a place of his own with gf. I think that they get to an age when it is time to leave because they want/need to do things their way, even though I will miss my last 'baby' very much, it will be nice to shop and cook for two, not to mention the washing etc. When my daughters left home, I was equally sad, I bought another dog so I would have two dogs around making more hustle and bustle, to liven up the house. I know what you mean about being torn in two, I am torn in four and help out my DD who is still local, with child care, plus my job. I feel it is still my place to keep everyone happy , I find it hard to refuse any of their requests, when sometimes I just want to have my weekends and holidays to my self. I do sympathise with you Grannypiggy. If I didn't have to work, I think I would visit my other daughters who live away, more, as the pressure of fitting everything in around work is stressful and frustrating.

katie1 Tue 26-Jan-16 20:19:08

I love the name Grannypiggy!!

Greyduster Wed 27-Jan-16 09:55:42

I have two children, and the one who i always thought would be a little home bird flew the nest a year after uni. If i'm honest, though i was very proud of her, it broke my heart. She and her partner have never lived that far away from us, but they've never asked us for anything even when times have been tough for them. The only time she seemed to need emotional support from me was just before she gave birth to our grandson, her partner was very ill, and she was terrified, but even then she was loathe to let the drawbridge down. We happily look after our grandson a couple of days a week, but they rarely ask us to do more as they are mindful of being a burden on our retirement. I thought my son would be easier to let go of. He was at boarding school and then after a spell at college, had a good career in the RAF so was rarely at home, but he is the one who, even now, will bring his troubles home to us and uses us as a sounding board when things aren't going well. His emotional life has not been without its difficulties. I don't think you ever let go of them, or want to really.

GrannyPiggy Wed 27-Jan-16 11:39:03

Thank you all for your comments
Its nice to find I'm quite normal !!!
I actually told DH how I was feeling last night which was very unusual, maybe we can rebuild the relationship we once had long ago
We can't retire yet as still in our early 50's
I have to accept that I can't help with child care but maybe can have DGS to stay sometimes when DD returns to work and has commitments that take her spare time like end of tax year etc
She has her final exam coming up so have prelim offered to have him for a couple of days for her
Must try not to show middle DS how I feel and let him go into big wide world even though it means more graft for me
And continue to advise on cooking tips for youngest DS even though he's brilliant in kitchen he still wants reassurance, and look forward to the Uni holidays
Thank you all

starbird Thu 28-Jan-16 10:11:46

By settling 2hours away from you, even if she had little choice in the matter, your daughter must have realised that you would not often be available for child care other than having him to stay, so yes it is a new phase for you and DH. I was watching a TED talk yesterday (at our U3A discussion group) in which it was said that the main marker for a long, happy and healthy life ( including Dementia prevention), is strong relationships. Partners who felt they could trust and rely on each other in their 50's were more likely to live and be well in their 80's. This was a stronger marker than cholesterol etc. Loneliness is a killer. So that's a thought!