Where am I going wrong? AM I going wrong?

Hi Rowantree

I don't mind disclosing that I qualified in social work. During my career, I did get the opportunity to train and work therapeutically with children, young people and adults. Some of the parents (and grandparents) that I met during the course of my career, faced very similar situations to the one you described. I will never forget how tough it was for some of those parents, but also how resilient and caring they were against the odds.

Hello to you too Imperfect27

I am left with little doubt that reaching out for advice and support from others can of itself be therapeutic. Ultimately, it is the parent or grandparent who has to face the situation in the real world and that can be lonely and as you say lead to self-doubt and loss of confidence.

But, you know what? Most of the time, most of us do a more than good enough job and can ease up on giving ourselves a hard time.

Well said Lavande - that is helpful for me too, thank you.

Isn't it s true that we can easily advise others on these points, but when it is 'me' and 'my child' the emotional history - particularly when they have had difficulties in life - means that we doubt ourselves, or try to compensate and give more than we should.

Rowantree, you are clearly a very supportive parent. Living with someone with a personality disorder, we learn to try to smooth out / avoid conflicts to save ourselves the grief of a bad reaction, but Lavande is right - sometimes we need to say 'here is the line'. I have only done it a couple of times, but have had a genuine apology which has helped me / both of us longer term.

I think that id you can judge the moment when you can more safely say how you have felt, this could be very positive for both of you.

xx

Very good points, Lavande - and I am very familiar with the characteristics, some of which are very tenacious and difficult to 'treat'. She did finally get excellent DBT therapy which helped enormously, and she has improved a great deal, but still suffers anxiety and depression periodically so I feel I am always on the alert (without letting her know that, of course, as far as possible!)

You're quite right that I need to remind myself that she is responsible for her own behaviour rather than me (I?). I am hoping that she will realise for herself that she has crossed a boundary, but if not, I will ultimately have to grasp the nettle and talk to her about it.

May I ask...were you a therapist? Just wondered - but if you don't want to say, feel free to ignore my question!

Rowantree since my first comments, I see that you have received some very thoughtful and practical replies to your question.

I just wanted to add another perspective having worked with many men and women who have been diagnosed with mood disorders - or as it was referred to in my time, personality disorder.

One of the characteristics which is so hard to deal with is the unpredictability of mood; an opinion or comment expressed on one day can pass without notice but on another day cause a meltdown. It's enough to cause doubt and anxiety even with a toughened skin or professional distance.

Although an adult, there is still the need for consistency and boundaries. It will not harm to tell your daughter when she has crossed that boundary or that what she has said is hurtful to you.

If the going gets tough, remind yourself that you are neither responsible for her behaviour nor the trigger for it. Your self esteem and well-being is just as important as everyone else involved

I do feel for you Rowantree and obviously your DD2 has totally no right to upset you, but you could think that at least she isn't afraid to tell you how she feels. If she had just accepted the gift and then like Blinko you had never seen it again because it was put away (or sold)would it have been better? I know we walk on eggshells as GPs but perhaps we should also be proud that our DCs feel they can be honest and tell us how they really feel. Much better than resentment bubbling away under a false front.

Last week in M & S I saw a Xmas tree reduced from £25 to 99p. It was 3ft tall, pink with snow. Perfect for dgd next Christmas for her room. I bought it and later that day told her dad. His response was..... at Christmas anything goes!! If it hadn't been ok I'd have sold it on eBay. But I knew that this ds would be ok about it.

Any other sons, I'd have known to ask.

Oh.....I'm getting a feeling I might have said this before.

Yep - you're right. I shall do next time!

DD2 knows she will have plenty of attention and support. For one, we are far nearer where they live. Poor DD1 won't have that support with her baby as it's a few hours away but we will do our best.
Also.....DD2 will need full-on support later this autumn as she has to have major surgery on her leg (a further amputation - she had one when she was 15 but it's causing problems). We've all discussed it and she knows we will be on hand no matter what, and do whatever is required with care for her and little DGD.

The line is now drawn, but if it's in sand it'll wash away, and I don't want that

Well said elena

I see both sides, too! I wouldn't have bought the work bench without asking my DD first - I just wouldn't presume they'd want to find room for it (their house is small). I would have taken a picture of the work bench and sent it to my DD, at the very most, but I am pretty sure she would say 'no'. If it really was a gem I couldn't resist, maybe I would have bought it and kept it here.

There's no excuse for Rowantree's DD being rude - it doesn't matter what the issue is.

That's the nub of the matter - being able to disagree or to say 'no thanks' or to express some sort of negative reaction, in a way that is not hurtful.

Clearly, the purchase of the work bench came out of love and kindness, so rudeness is absolutely not justified.

Rowantree, you have to draw a line in the sand! Don't tolerate rudeness.

And for grandparents wondering how to 'behave' - just ask your DDs and DSs what they prefer

I reread your OP and wondered if your DD2 is perhaps unsettled by the impending change in the family when her big sister also has a baby - your second Grandchild? Is she worried that the new baby and her Mum will be your No. 1 priority now and she, and her daughter, will have to take second place. I know this is irrational thinking but it reminded me of the time when after 3 years of marriage, and just moved into a brand new (council) 2 bed maisonette, I had the first inkling that I might be pregnant and was biting my tongue to wait until I was sure before telling my Mum & Dad. In walked my unmarried older sister already 3 months pregnant asking me to come with her to tell M & D HER news. I was kind and loving to her, kept MY news to myself, helped organise her quick wedding and rush to buy a flat but inside I was SEETHING as I felt she had stolen my thunder.

All water under the bridge now and my parents made as much fuss of me and mine as they did of Dsis & her baby. I just remember that at the time I was besides myself and am glad that I mustered the self control to keep my feelings to myself (&DH). I doubt if your DD2 with her on-going problems would be able to achieve that and would be liable to lash out in unexplainable ways.

I never realised that being a grandmother - which filled me with delight when I first knew of the arrival of the baby - could be such a minefield - but it is!! It can be quite exhausting trying to second-guess what will or will not be welcomed - be too hesitant, worrying about causing upset and it looks as though you are distant and not interested, be enthusiastic and you are 'treading on toes!' ...so GOK how one can get the balance right.
From the replies of many - I am new to this site - it just goes to show how many others have been tearful, distressed grannies, when only trying to please!
I found the sympathetic responses to my situation brought tears to my eyes, it is nice to know that there are others who understand, so do be comforted. Look after your own well-being too....

Unfortunately you are damned if ya do, and damned if ya don't! Sorry you are hurting - I have learned to keep my own council on many things now. Keep it at your house for little visitors would be my advice. Sending a hug X

I'm the only grandma, btw. SIL's mother died in the autumn. His father lives hundreds of miles away, so we rarely see him. So it's DH and I who see DD2 and family most, and help out whenever needed.

My own mother died when my DDs were small, so sadly we didn't have much of that lovely time with her. She was brilliant at sewing though and would make them beautifully smocked little dresses and I was always very grateful for those and for anything she brought us for them. Ditto the other grandparents.
I'd never have dreamed of hurting their feelings when they'd been kind and generous enough to bring a gift or something they'd made with love.

Yes, [trisher] I can see both sides also. It's just that she can be so hurtful and lets rip without thinking of how I am feeling about it. And DH isn't being very supportive here - says it's my own fault :-( so now I feel very much like a scolded wrongdoer. For nothing very much!
[Imperfect27] Thank you. It's not easy with a DS or DD with mental health problems - it shouldn't be an excuse for thoughtlessness and unkindness but sadly that's often been the case. Less so these days but at times I seem to overstep the mark, without meaning to, and she overreacts bigtime. At such times it's almost impossible to reason with her because....well, naturally she is Right and I'm the bad guy!

In future, I won't buy without asking, unless I'm planning to keep it at home; but I will also look after myself and my own feelings better, because I don't deserve to feel like a punchbag, for any reason. Something to work towards!

XXX

jingl Actually her birthday isn't till August so I'm a bit 'previous'! But yes, she does already have a kitchen. And a tent/castle. And a ball pool. And other big toys which take up room. I had suggested they consider 'recycling' toys - putting some away, having others out and swapping them over - they do have an accessible loft. But it was the fact that I'd bought it at all, not what it was. FAIL :-(
DGD LOVES anything DIY so it wasn't the fact that it was a workbench.

Rowantree what do you think your DD wants you to give your GD for her birthday? Did she have anything else in mind? Maybe she would have tolerated something more girlie, like a kitchen. Perhaps she thinks a workbench would not be used nough to warrant the floor space.

It also makes me very sad for you Rowantree . . .
I totally agree with the mention above of this "walking on eggshells" mode that us grandparents have to learn to manoeuvre with this generation. I never ever ever had this with my mum with my own children. I was always so very happy that she had taken the time to think and consider them individually . . . even when the gifts or whatever were way a bit wacky, it would still make me smile!! And we would always thank her especially, whereas today, I'm not sure why but thank you's seem out of fashion!!!
I was always soooo grateful for whatever she did, and knew that she loved her children, and grandchildren with a fierce and total love . . . and, we and they all loved her right back in return. We all miss her still even when she has been gone for years.

It does seem to me that as GPs we can't to right for doing wrong!

A few years ago, DS2 asked me to buy a particular present for DG1 for Christmas. It cost a little more than we might normally have paid, but hey ho, we bought the gift. Since that day we have never seen it either at their place or at the other Gran's where they spend a lot of time.

Around the same time, we were also told in no uncertain terms that we were bad parents and grandparents in an uncharacteristic outburst by DS2. Water under the bridge now, but I can't say how very hurtful it was at the time. We were distraught.

The current generation of parents seem to me to be very self centred, especially if you're too far away to child mind, so they don't need you.

You are not alone, Rowantree, and it's not your fault!

'Books don't take up much room'
I have 4, 6ft book cases full of children's book because my mom won't stop buying, mixed with the books I actually want to buy my children.

As for a large toy. I'm on the fence, we don't have a small house yet still are over crowded with toys. Again, toys I actually wanted to buy my children and toys that have been brought that are huge. Think inside trampoline and a parent controlled car.

I'm greatfull. I am. But a quick call of 'there's an XYZ here, shall I get it for XYX 'That's really sweet but we just don't have the room' would of been appreciated.

I do have some sympathy for your DD in that I think children today do have too many toys. She didn't handle it well but maybe she is finding things a bit difficult just now. Young children bring a whole load of stresses with them (like lack of sleep) and maybe she is just overwhelmed. I am always being tempted by toys I think would be great for my DGCs but I know they don't need them and they already have so much. Some of their toys are practically in mint condition they have been played with so little. Just hope the two of you can make up and be close again, no toy is worth falling out over

Ungrateful, ill-mannered little madam. If there are genuine reasons to not want these sort of gifts then there is a gracious and appreciative way of saying no.

Don't look for reasons why, especially if your daughter has had problems, don't take it personally, she may just be venting some feelings she has which aren't really anything to do with you.

I have the opposite problem! I buy gifts (only at birthdays and Christmas) for DGS so that he'll have nice things to play with when he comes to visit/stay with me - and DD takes them off home with her when she sees how much he likes them!

I think you're allowed to have anything in your house that you want to have for the DGC. And if DD says anything, just say you were given it.

I'm sure it's a lesson learned but no doubt your GD will have great fun playing with it at your house .

Hmmmm I work in a charity shop and have to rein myself in constantly.

What I find useful is buying tickets to take my GC to see kids shows, we started at about 2 with The Stick Man, this gives us all a treat and gives their mum some space outside of the house with my support as we tend to go together and could be a break if I took them on my own.

I think problems can arise when one set of relatives is able to provide more than the other but them some grans are better at playing games or reading stories and life isn't quite fair is it.

If you are getting bargains and this is the scenario you are dealing with you could join forces with other gran and put a couple of quid each towards the bargain...........other than that is it is a space issue.....well taking them out solves that one.

I too have stuff for kids at my house and have to resist buying stuff every time I am at work..........but books, well who can resist book ??