Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Am I old fashioned with my opinios

(61 Posts)
Tessa101 Thu 25-Feb-16 22:15:04

My daughter has attended a seminar this
evening on...... Emotional resilient children.
I passed comment that I didn't understand all
these classes and seminars and books, there's
books for everything these days to help
bring up children.I knew by her voice she didn't
appreciate my comment, and has since sent
me a text saying " your attitude is truly awful".
Does anyone else feel like I do that there is to
much new age nonsense advising how to be

Anniebach Thu 25-Feb-16 22:29:30

Not sure, I admit when a mother for the first time Dr Spock was bedtime reading

Luckygirl Thu 25-Feb-16 22:33:36

Resilience is the latest buzzword. It is applied to everything - the environment, emotions, organisations etc. This too will pass.

Anya Thu 25-Feb-16 22:34:07

I feel your use of the phrase 'new age nonsense' says a lot about your opinions. You have passed judgement on a seminar your daughter chose to attend, and might have done better to just listen and say nought. Who knows you might have learned something.

Alea Thu 25-Feb-16 22:40:22

I remember a very useful talk (seminar?) on "strong willed" (= stroppy/ resilient?) children when I was tearing my hair out over pre-teen DD1. I found it very reassuring, and I think being "emotionally resilient " is something I wish I had cultivated! She was a stroppy child at the time and wonders now at her strong willed children - I don't!
Seriously, if more people were "emotionally resilient" they might cope better with the shit challenges life throws at them.

Anya Thu 25-Feb-16 22:41:26

And GN!!

Tessa101 Thu 25-Feb-16 22:53:34

My granddaughter is only 6 and is a confident tomboy, she's my daughters only child. My daughters does absolutely everything for her, to the extent she
tells her mum she is capable off doing it herself. Anya, i read the contents of the
seminar online earlier and you are correct I did learn something.But I still feel it's a mine field out there with all this so called advice on how to bring up your children. This information was not available 50 years ago and I feel
the older generation are a far more stable, grounded polite and able generation without any outside input.

FarNorth Thu 25-Feb-16 22:54:43

I don't agree that there is too much new-age nonsense about how to be parents. There is no harm in getting information and then deciding if it could be useful.

I can imagine my own mother making a similar comment to me, just as a fact (saying she didn't understand) and it wouldn't have upset me.
Seemingly, tho, your DD felt that she was being criticised, possibly because of your tone of voice or because you have made critical comments before?

Tresco Thu 25-Feb-16 23:03:20

I don't know about 50 years ago but 36 years ago when my son was born there was plenty of information available. I'd much prefer that my own children looked at whatever the current research and information is and make up their own minds about how to bring up their children. I remember reading once that there were 3000 year old letters found in Ancient Egypt decrying the behaviour of young people. Older people have always tended to assume they know best and that "the youth of today" are going off the rails in some way. It's a tendency I fight against, even if i don't always succeed.

grannyqueenie Thu 25-Feb-16 23:05:59

Of course there's lots of nonsense thrown at younger today's parents, when commonsense and grasping the value of boundaries would do the job. BUT I wouldn't dismiss the importance of emotional resilience, while the concept may be new it's been around for years. It plays a part in explaining why some people emerge strong and able to live happy lives despite having lived through huge trauma, yet others may have suffered much less but remain more affected by their difficult experiences. Obviously personality etc play a part too

Nanabelle Thu 25-Feb-16 23:14:42

I think emotional resilience would be useful in today's world of unkind social media comments/bullying than can go on (I am thinking of children) and also for being confident enough not to be persuaded into doing things that one does not want to.
I am another Spock reader. At least we didn't have many books to choose from. So much information around today that may be new mums are bewildered and do not trust their own feelings. How many feel guilty because they had a few drinks in early pregnancy? A little knowledge can be a dangerous thing - but maybe too much knowledge overwhelms us.

Why are our daughters so quick to feel our comments are critical when we are often just trying to help them.

Eloethan Thu 25-Feb-16 23:28:50

No, I don't agree with you. I wish I had had access to some more guidance re child rearing and I might have been a much better mum than I was.

Even if you feel that some of these ideas are merely passing "fads", I think it was unwise of you to be so dismissive of something that your daughter obviously thinks is important. She is trying to do her best to be a good mum to her children and she might see your comment as indicative of a lack of respect for her opinions.

Imperfect27 Fri 26-Feb-16 07:34:06

I think it is amazing that there is so much advice just a click of the mouse away these days, but it can also be very confusing. My DGS has had oral thrush from birth - so much advice on how to treat him / his mum - and conflicting medical advice given at the surgery.

Sometimes a new device comes along that is apparently meant to aid the parenting experience - there is now a device that can constantly monitor a child's breathing and temperature. Dilemma - do you use it all the time or just if baby has a temperature as a checking mechanism? Are you a bad parent if you don't use it because it is avaialble? What a pressure!

Sometimes apparent new 'wisdom' is accessed and adopted by the next generation without discussing things with their family or seeking alternative advice / wisdom which might just be sensible / useful! (Fourth trimester issue comes to mind ...)

I went to a seminar on raising boys successfully when my lads were about 12 and 9. I am not sure if it made me think more carefully about how to build their confidence, or if I was already predisposed to. If the 'building emotional resilience' seminar was similar, I think there could be some useful suggestions, but these things always smack of someone making a buck through stating some pretty obvious truths.

Perhaps the biggest changes are because families do not always live close to the grandparents these days and younger people have a greater sense of autonomy.
If I were a young mum today I would probably still be asking my mum for advice, but a lot of them seem to turn to peers / mumsnet first.

M0nica Fri 26-Feb-16 07:54:55

I find the response of Tessa101's daughter rather extreme. Mind you, the problem with a text, or a Gransnet posting, is that you cannot tell the tone it is said in. Was it said in a jokey tone or an angry tone?

I live in a mobile not spot so texting plays very little part in my life, but I can see DD saying something like this to me - and in her case I would know it was a jokey response.

Mind you we do not know the tone of Tessa's voice when she spoke to her daughter. Was it condemnatory or puzzled or apologetic? My DM thought I over-thought the upbringing of my children and said so, in a kind and puzzled tone. But it was none other than I expected, since I had decided, long before I had children, that if I ever had any I would bring them up very differently to the way I was brought up. I never took offence but I just didn't discuss with her subjects where I knew my decisions were beyond her comprehension.

I assume that we all love our children and they love us, but why do so many families spend so much time taking umbrage at what other members say and do?

Greyduster Fri 26-Feb-16 09:15:01

I remember when my GS started school, my DD enroled for a series of 'parenting' seminars that the school were running. I know she had never been the most confident mother from the word go, but she had done a good job in my eyes with her confident intelligent child. I remember feeling quite dismayed that she felt she needed that kind of support, but I kept my mouth shut. As Eleothan said, she was trying her best to be a good mum, and marshalling whatever resources she could to help her to do that. Although she would ask for and (sometimes) take advice from me, she always relied more heavily on things she reads in books written by "experts". Autre temps, autre moeurs, as they say.

FarNorth Fri 26-Feb-16 09:35:03

Possibly the course helped your DD to know that she was already doing things right, Greyduster?
And she would like to meet and discuss with other parents as well as whoever was leading the course.

Imperfect27 Fri 26-Feb-16 09:59:41

I know this is a bit off point, but years ago I was involved in trying to establish parenting support courses in my local community. We wanted to outreach to any needy / isolated mums - the parish we were in served a socially deprived area. Who came? All the lovely, anxious middle class mums of the parish who were evidently dong a good job already. The ones that we hoped to help never darkened the door.

I think, as others have said, these seminars/ courses may give reassurance, but probably attract the thinking people that have least to worry about.

janeainsworth Fri 26-Feb-16 10:02:12

I think emotional resilience is really important to children nowadays to help them counter bullying in RL and on social media.
It's not really new though.
'You'll live to fight another day'
'Sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'
were among the phrases I used to help the DCs overcome life's little tribulations.
So OP I think you were wrong to be judgemental about your DD.

Atqui Fri 26-Feb-16 10:10:02

Hopefully you did not use the words 'new age nonsense' when you commented to your daughter Tessa! I agree that there is a plethora of advice to parents these days,but it's a different , difficult world now for young people and all praise to your daughter for wanting to do the best for your GC. Sometimes ( many times) we just have to keep our opinions to ourselves or risk the sharp tongue of our offspring. But that's not what you were asking about .We could start a new thread entitled
'Does your daughter treat YOU as the child ?'

Anya Fri 26-Feb-16 10:33:12

Jane I totally agree. Both my 'children' are very emotionally resilient, as am I, and thank goodness for that trait or we would never have survived what life has thrown at us.

Yes, it's does help to be resilient in the face of life's little tribulation, but it's a sanity saver when the big ones comes along.

BBbevan Fri 26-Feb-16 10:34:38

Like Anniebach, I had Dr.Spock in one hand, baby in the other. But I did have my Mum just round the corner and my DMiL not too far away.
Lots of young parents don't have that these days

Synonymous Fri 26-Feb-16 10:59:09

Tessa101 I think you should be pleased that your DD is trying to be the best parent she can be and perhaps you should apologise to her for appearing to criticise. Wise to try and keep everything on an even keel!

There has always been advice available but it does change with each generation as they face differing challenges. My DM used to say that if you wait long enough everything comes round again although it may not be called by the same name. smile
Parenting is one of the few things on which you don't get training and when you are a parent you can sometimes be very unsure of what to do for the best. There will never be a one size fits all as we are all created unique and every family dynamic is unique too. I think it is good when parents are seeking a better way to keep the family together and cope well.

I have had the same experience as Imperfect in that sadly those with the greatest need just don't seek it out for themselves probably because they don't realise it. Perhaps they are so much 'in it up to their necks' that they can't see any way out or just don't have the aspirations and are unable to see that life could be better with extra effort. sad

elena Fri 26-Feb-16 11:30:38

Emotional resiliance is a well-established concept - it comes from attachment theory which is about 50 years old now. It's hardly new age nonsense.

Tessa, I think you may have sounded rude and dismissive - instead of what might have been interpreted as sneering, you could have expressed interest and asked your dd what was discussed.

Understanding relationships, what makes relationships work and what helps us equip children for their own future relationships, has got to be worthy of study and discussion.

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 26-Feb-16 15:50:50

Anniebach me too! Bought a Doctor Spock book when I was first pregnant and raised both daughters according to the teachings of the master. Let things slip though when son came along eight years later. (Not sure now I should have hmm)

jinglbellsfrocks Fri 26-Feb-16 15:52:19

I read a book about promoting children's 'self concept'. It was very good.