Am I old fashioned with my opinios

I used to read books about child care when I had my first baby and get upset when things didn't go 'as they should'. In reply to my concerns my husband would say 'unfortunately the baby can't read so she doesn't know what she should be doing'.

Mind you, I wouldn't like to be a new mum these days with what they can and can't eat whilst pregnant, what the baby should or shouldn't eat, in what position the baby should sleep, where they should sleep, and then it changes.

My rule with my grandchildren is not to offer advice unless asked for.

Elena is right. Emotional resilience stems from Bowlby's attachment theory and is a very old theory although it has been developed by different people such as Bowlby's own son, David Howe, and psychologists like Dan Hughes. In a nutshell, a child becomes 'emotionally resilient' through receiving emotionally warm, consistent parenting from birth. If an infant's needs are met consistently, that infant grows up to see the World as a safer place (s/he develops secure attachments) and thus can usually deal with life's adversities more efficiently. Research shows that such children develop healthier relationships, do better at school and later are more confident and 'balanced' adults. They are also able to promote secure attachments in their own children. However, if a child's needs are met inconsistently, or infrequently (s/he develops insecure attachments), that child usually grows up to see the World as an unsafe or even threatening place and can struggle later on with relationships, trust issues, addictions and educational achievement. This does not mean either, that someone with insecure attachments doesn't achieve well educationally or at work. Some of the highest achievers have insecure attachments, but this is not really a good thing - their insecurities drive them! Additionally the consistent care referred to earlier, does not have to come from a parent; it can come from any carer as long is it remains consistent. Usually a child forms her/his attachments within the first three years of life, so warm, consistent parenting is vital during that period. Insecure attachments might also be 'disconfirmed' if a child or adult receives regular loving care later on. Yes, it's all very complex but being emotionally resilient means we view ourselves and the World more positively. I'm fairly sure jinglbellsfrocks book would have been about the same issues.

Good post Mermaid. Every generation had its 'bible'. In my mother's day it was: don't give to much attention and stick the baby at the bottom of the garden and let her cry it out. I didn't follow that model but no doubt made my own mistakes. I don't interfere unless it is something I find particularly upsetting, which has happened on a couple of occasions, mainly due to cultural differences. We have been able to sit down and talk and they have been good enough to acknowledge my fears. I must add that I have learnt a lot from the way they parent and like to think they have (just a little) from us, even if only from our mistakes!

Well I am glad I did not listen to my mother about child rearing. However despite some failings in her parenting she did at least give me the very early good emotional nurturing that is so important.

I also had Dr Benjamin Spock by my side and very useful it was too in pre internet days.
It was so much better that the pre war guru Truby King.

I found a copy of one of Truby Kings books which was sort of raise them tough no mollycoddling.

I lent my copy to my daughter with strict instructions that it was for amusement only and not to be taken seriously.

Dr Spock was a revolutionary in his time - yes, he was the opposite of horrid old Truby King. Spock has not been 'discredited', I don't think, not in principle (various parts of his advice are no longer current). But he was the very first mass market author to tell parents that they would figure stuff out by themselves, the very first one who credited even small babies with feelings which should be taken seriously, and the very first one to write in ways which reached out to everyone.

Hugh Jolly was very similar, and was the UK version

I was another Penelope Leach fan. In those pre internet days it was good to have instant advice at hand and she was so sensible and flexible. DD was spoilt for choice with child rearing gurus and so much of it contradictory or just plain daft. The EASY baby anyone? Eat, Activity, Sleep You time. DD remarked that hers must be an EAEA baby.

Tessa so glad you sorted things with your daughter and great post Emily.

I thought I was emotionally resilient, until I realised I wasn't - or at least I wasn't any more. As a child and an adult I was self confident and capable. My loving parents brought me up to believe I could do anything I wanted by working hard at it. Soon I had a good career, a lovely family and a happy marriage. Then in my 30s I came across a problem I couldn't fix and it concerned someone very close to me. Years later I realised it wasn't actually my problem and the fact that I thought it was my role to solve someone else's problem, was actually a sign of a different problem altogether. In my 40s I ended up with chronic clinical depression and everyone around me was shocked because it was so unexpected. My parents did their best to be good parents, but now I know my lack of emotional resilience goes right back to my childhood.

If I was bringing up a child now, I would take advantage of all the information out there. Going to a seminar on a subject of interest would be particularly great because hopefully it would include a Q&A session for further discussion. I would try to foster my children to value their emotional health as much as their physical health. You can only do your best to try to be a good parent.

I had my children quite late, for when I had them (early 1970s, 28 years old) and I refused to buy any baby books at all. I did the local authority ante-natal classes and they were pretty useless - and as I was the last of my friends to have children I had watched their attachment to their child care books and it worried me. Many of them were too dependent on the book and ignored what the baby was actually doing, 'saying' etc. I had read articles in magazines and newspapers over the years so I wasn't completely ignorant.

I think that child care and child nurture has got far too formulaic and one size fits all, what does the book say, etc. I do not mean that courses, books and manuals cannot be useful and like others I sought help when I needed it, but the purpose of all this information should be background reading and information to be incorporated in to ones knowledge base, not treated like instructions for operating a washing machine, which seems to happen so much now.

Wilma

Thank you grannyqueenie

Dr Margot Sunderland has written a book entitled "The Science of Parenting" and it's wonderful - I would recommend any parent or grandparent reads this.