Am I old fashioned with my opinios

There appear to be several of us on here who appear to have been rescued from the desert wastes of unsupported child rearing by Doc Spock! Glad to hear you have made your peace with your DD, Tessa!

Dr Spock was very well-used when mine were small. Not having DM close by I needed that reassurance.

I didn't realise that babies and small children have minds of their own .
They haven't really changed in their needs over the centuries, either, despite what all the seminars, books etc tell us.

That's good to know Tessa

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. Your comments were well received and I took on board all your opinions. I apologised to my daughter
for my comment ( I didn't use the term new age nonsense when I made the comment to her).
We have a lovely understanding relationship but I do have a tendency to make my opinions heard when it comes to my grandchildren.
Normally she doesn't respond like she did. Going forward I will keep my
thoughts to myself.But all is good.

I had the 'Hugh Jolly' parenting book 30 years ago when I had DD. My GP just laughed and said I would find my own ways to parent and I did.
My DD was 'everything resilient' , she was stroppy, disobedient and self willed however she has turned out well with a lovely daughter of her own.
Therefore I think a lot of advice these days should be taken with a pinch of salt.

Like you my mum was miles away lully My children were spread out across a few years so I worked my way through Dr Spock, Penelope Leach, Hugh Jolly and read endless Mother and Baby mags over the years. I think I took the best bits out of it all and made up the rest with acquired wisdom from more experienced mums mixed it with my own intuition and commonsense so by the time I had no 5 I sort of knew what I was doing. Goodness knows how much of it was right but it was "good enough" and children seem to have forgiven me for any glaring errors!

It was like Dr Spock had moved in with us when our first son was born. He was always there for friendly advice. My mum was thousands of miles away.

Mr LD was posted to Jamaica and so DS was born there . There was so much 'good' advice we chose not to take, so we needed the good doc for some common sense.
He was of course later discredited. Hey Ho.

You're right it is a minefield, aggie and I think we have a valuable role to play in encouraging today's young parents to sift through the barrage of information that comes their way rather accepting everything they read or hear at face value. But that doesn't include criticising them for trying to learn more about child development and discovering some new strategies to manage behaviour etc. Sometimes it can seem like old wisdom/common sense wrapped in shiny expensive packaging but it's always good to have a few new tricks up your sleeve with children, even if you're a seasoned aka exhausted granny!

When one thinks of the advice to lie baby on their front one wonders if some of the advice given now is valid .Let baby cry is another , no cosleeping is now questionable ............ it is a minefield

Dr Hugh Jolly was my favourite

Advice about bringing up children has been available for a very long time. When my daughter was born 36 years ago I bought Penelope Leach's book and it was full of all sorts of useful and practical information. I was sorry that I had given away my copy when the grandchildren came along.

I read a book about promoting children's 'self concept'. It was very good.

Anniebach me too! Bought a Doctor Spock book when I was first pregnant and raised both daughters according to the teachings of the master. Let things slip though when son came along eight years later. (Not sure now I should have )

Emotional resiliance is a well-established concept - it comes from attachment theory which is about 50 years old now. It's hardly new age nonsense.

Tessa, I think you may have sounded rude and dismissive - instead of what might have been interpreted as sneering, you could have expressed interest and asked your dd what was discussed.

Understanding relationships, what makes relationships work and what helps us equip children for their own future relationships, has got to be worthy of study and discussion.

Tessa101 I think you should be pleased that your DD is trying to be the best parent she can be and perhaps you should apologise to her for appearing to criticise. Wise to try and keep everything on an even keel!

There has always been advice available but it does change with each generation as they face differing challenges. My DM used to say that if you wait long enough everything comes round again although it may not be called by the same name.
Parenting is one of the few things on which you don't get training and when you are a parent you can sometimes be very unsure of what to do for the best. There will never be a one size fits all as we are all created unique and every family dynamic is unique too. I think it is good when parents are seeking a better way to keep the family together and cope well.

I have had the same experience as Imperfect in that sadly those with the greatest need just don't seek it out for themselves probably because they don't realise it. Perhaps they are so much 'in it up to their necks' that they can't see any way out or just don't have the aspirations and are unable to see that life could be better with extra effort.

Like Anniebach, I had Dr.Spock in one hand, baby in the other. But I did have my Mum just round the corner and my DMiL not too far away.
Lots of young parents don't have that these days

Jane I totally agree. Both my 'children' are very emotionally resilient, as am I, and thank goodness for that trait or we would never have survived what life has thrown at us.

Yes, it's does help to be resilient in the face of life's little tribulation, but it's a sanity saver when the big ones comes along.

Hopefully you did not use the words 'new age nonsense' when you commented to your daughter Tessa! I agree that there is a plethora of advice to parents these days,but it's a different , difficult world now for young people and all praise to your daughter for wanting to do the best for your GC. Sometimes ( many times) we just have to keep our opinions to ourselves or risk the sharp tongue of our offspring. But that's not what you were asking about .We could start a new thread entitled
'Does your daughter treat YOU as the child ?'

I think emotional resilience is really important to children nowadays to help them counter bullying in RL and on social media.
It's not really new though.
'You'll live to fight another day'
'Sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me'
were among the phrases I used to help the DCs overcome life's little tribulations.
So OP I think you were wrong to be judgemental about your DD.

I know this is a bit off point, but years ago I was involved in trying to establish parenting support courses in my local community. We wanted to outreach to any needy / isolated mums - the parish we were in served a socially deprived area. Who came? All the lovely, anxious middle class mums of the parish who were evidently dong a good job already. The ones that we hoped to help never darkened the door.

I think, as others have said, these seminars/ courses may give reassurance, but probably attract the thinking people that have least to worry about.

Possibly the course helped your DD to know that she was already doing things right, Greyduster?
And she would like to meet and discuss with other parents as well as whoever was leading the course.

I remember when my GS started school, my DD enroled for a series of 'parenting' seminars that the school were running. I know she had never been the most confident mother from the word go, but she had done a good job in my eyes with her confident intelligent child. I remember feeling quite dismayed that she felt she needed that kind of support, but I kept my mouth shut. As Eleothan said, she was trying her best to be a good mum, and marshalling whatever resources she could to help her to do that. Although she would ask for and (sometimes) take advice from me, she always relied more heavily on things she reads in books written by "experts". Autre temps, autre moeurs, as they say.

I find the response of Tessa101's daughter rather extreme. Mind you, the problem with a text, or a Gransnet posting, is that you cannot tell the tone it is said in. Was it said in a jokey tone or an angry tone?

I live in a mobile not spot so texting plays very little part in my life, but I can see DD saying something like this to me - and in her case I would know it was a jokey response.

Mind you we do not know the tone of Tessa's voice when she spoke to her daughter. Was it condemnatory or puzzled or apologetic? My DM thought I over-thought the upbringing of my children and said so, in a kind and puzzled tone. But it was none other than I expected, since I had decided, long before I had children, that if I ever had any I would bring them up very differently to the way I was brought up. I never took offence but I just didn't discuss with her subjects where I knew my decisions were beyond her comprehension.

I assume that we all love our children and they love us, but why do so many families spend so much time taking umbrage at what other members say and do?

I think it is amazing that there is so much advice just a click of the mouse away these days, but it can also be very confusing. My DGS has had oral thrush from birth - so much advice on how to treat him / his mum - and conflicting medical advice given at the surgery.

Sometimes a new device comes along that is apparently meant to aid the parenting experience - there is now a device that can constantly monitor a child's breathing and temperature. Dilemma - do you use it all the time or just if baby has a temperature as a checking mechanism? Are you a bad parent if you don't use it because it is avaialble? What a pressure!

Sometimes apparent new 'wisdom' is accessed and adopted by the next generation without discussing things with their family or seeking alternative advice / wisdom which might just be sensible / useful! (Fourth trimester issue comes to mind ...)

I went to a seminar on raising boys successfully when my lads were about 12 and 9. I am not sure if it made me think more carefully about how to build their confidence, or if I was already predisposed to. If the 'building emotional resilience' seminar was similar, I think there could be some useful suggestions, but these things always smack of someone making a buck through stating some pretty obvious truths.

Perhaps the biggest changes are because families do not always live close to the grandparents these days and younger people have a greater sense of autonomy.
If I were a young mum today I would probably still be asking my mum for advice, but a lot of them seem to turn to peers / mumsnet first.

No, I don't agree with you. I wish I had had access to some more guidance re child rearing and I might have been a much better mum than I was.

Even if you feel that some of these ideas are merely passing "fads", I think it was unwise of you to be so dismissive of something that your daughter obviously thinks is important. She is trying to do her best to be a good mum to her children and she might see your comment as indicative of a lack of respect for her opinions.