Helping adult children with money

So sorry Nina that your D's life has not worked out. The silver lining maybe is that you will see more of your GC, no compensation for her though.

We have given thousands to DD over the years with deposits for flats, help with bills etc. next week she will be moving back in with us after complicated personal life. We unfortunately can't carry on as our funds are greatly reduced.
We support DS financially on daily basis as he still lives at home on benefits due to his autism and due to his life style he has no need of large sums.

Our son is married and 'settled' as my DiL describes it. Our daughter is single and has been made redundant twice and struggles financially. So yes, we do help her out, more than I ever thought I would. In little ways - paying for theatre tickets; bigger birthday presents such as an iPad and last year I bought her a car with part of my retirement lump sum. I still can't believe I did that but she does a lot for different members of the family.
At the moment everything is left equally between our two children but with the proviso that our daughter can live in the house as long as she wants. I suspect that when the grand children are older we might change our wills but we had a family meeting and made it clear to everyone what we were doing.

Tahiti bet you do what you can my mother never had money to give away either I didn't love her less . We are able to help our two when needed not got a fortune though ☺️

sorry I was having a wo is me moment . Stems from my eldest grandson on a flying visit on Sunday saying how he and his wife will never afford to buy a place even if they moved away from London. Also having a homeless 47yr old daughter lodging with us at present unable to afford to get her own place.
Of course happy and healthy is what counts and for that I'm grateful.

Carry on

My dh and I always went by the rule of giving to the child with the greatest need. We used to say to them "what you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts i.e eldest son had some nice bedroom furniture but the middle son had the biggest room.

This remains my rule now and although the grown up kids may sometimes think this is a bit unfair, I'll continue to do it for as long as I can.

There's no sense in being even handed if one child is in a bad place financially while the others are secure.

In my will I've said that my estate goes to my children to give to their children as they think fit.

I did this because my fil left money to my children and they blew it!
Ah well you're only young once.

tanith I am also aware that you live in an expensive part of the country which does not become any cheaper when retired. At least you are no longer travelling to work daily- you should not be beating yourself because you do not have millions to give away. You have to look after no.1 and your DH, your children would prefer that you did that first I am sure.

Tanith ,I bet you give them lots of other precious things.

And stop making me cross.

tanith! Stop saying such crazy things! I have looked at your profile pics. You obviously have a lovely close, happy extended family. You probably don't need to support them financially. They look as though they are making happy, settled lives for themselves. Be happy about that. And proud.

I can't really see what your problem is, Blinko. If you are going to be leaving your estate to be divided equally between your three grandchildren there can be no question of unfairness. Each child is getting exactly the same.

I can see it might be difficult if one DS did not have children, but that's not the case.

We have always tried to treat our two DSs fairly and even handedly, according to their needs and what we can afford. In both cases, the in laws are fairly comfortably off and help out too. I believe that DS2s in laws treat him and his wife equally as a unit when it comes to helping out financially and also in terms of bequests. However DS1s in laws tend to exclude him from any financial arrangements, which they have in the past specified as being for his wife, their DD.

All that is their business, of course. Our dilemma is that we want to leave our estate to the GCs to help them on their way as young adults (we're hoping to reach the 'average age' for nowadays). However DS1 has 1 child and DS2 has 2, which would make for an unequal share out between the families.

No doubt it will be sorted one way or another, but it's rather a knotty one for us right now. Hopefully there's plenty of time to resolve it.....

Has anyone else had this issue come up, I wonder?

Reading many of the posts here I'm feeling quite a failure in that I've never been in a position to help my children in any major way financially, its amazed me that so many are able to help with large amounts to family.
I'm not criticizing of course we all do what we can but I just feel sorry I haven't been able to help them more.

I give according to their needs. One of them needs a lot of help and I know the others approve of what I do. They would let me know if I displeased them so I am sure their concern for the needy one is genuine. All they worry about is that I shouldn't leave myself short.
They don't live in each other's pockets but they care for each other and would help each other should they need to.

We give both our children the same amount. We've just paid for our daughter to get her driveway done, then our son got money to take his family on holiday. We have too much for our own needs, so we like to be generous now, when their families are young.

I am very interested in this discussion as I recently made large lifetime gifts to my children on selling the family house to downsize, rather than have them wait until I die, when they may (possibly) be well into middle age and not need the money. Also my understanding is this avoids inheritance tax as long as I live another 7 years which I fully intend to do!
( fate willing of course).

Although one sibling needed the gift badly- for a flat- and the other is better off, I personally feel it is essential to treat children equally. The risk if you don't is that resentment can sour the sibling relationships and family relationships generally. I have found my own siblings a wonderful source of support throughout my adult life and i hope that my children are able to have a similarly good relationship .Families can be torn apart by jealousy and disputes about money and inheritances, I dont want that to happen if I can prevent it.
best wishes to all grans struggling with these dilemmas
Alsy

I think you should always treat your children equally, whatever their situations.

I was financially more successful than my brother, who was equally well educated and with the same opportunities as I had. If my parents had given him more than me I would have been outraged!!

We are selling our house and dividing the equity between our two children (we also hope we live for the seven years!). Otherwise I think they would feel that it was grossly unfair to favour one above the other.

I have 2 adult step children. Only 1 has a family of 2 little girls. We make a small payment each month into their own bank accounts to help with extra educational needs as they grow older. We gave a lump sum to one couple and when the time came gave the other step adult the same amount. My husband always treated them the same with money when they were young re Birthdays & Christmas. As long as we can afford it we will continue all this financial path.

Could someone clarify the tax issues around giving money to kids? We need to give quite a bit to our daughter....We hope to live for more than 7 years by the way!

We are planning on living for at least seven years ...

You can give up to £3K per year to your children without any tax liability.
www.saga.co.uk/magazine/money/personal-finance/giving/tax-and-gifting-money-to-children

Just a point - if you give one or more of your children a certain sum every month (or at other regular intervals), as long as it's regular and you can afford it out of your income there will be no penalty, tax-wise. (I should jolly well think so, but rules is rules...!)

We have just given both DCs large sums of money towards property purchase.One has had twice as much as the other as property is much more expensive where she lives. We have altered our wills to reflect this and our second child knows and is fine with this .
We try very hard to be fair but both children understand that fair doesn't always mean equal

We have helped both our children at different times for different reasons. At the moment we are paying part of DS's rent because his wages won't cover even the cheapest rents round here. His girlfriend has been working but she hardly earns enough to cover her travel expenses and if she worked longer the extra money would just go on child care. DD is OK for money at the moment but I provide the free childcare that enables her to work.

I've stopped giving money as they would have to pay tax if I snuffed it within seven years and I'm saving up for my retirement home.