Helping adult children with money

As you say Polly the children will never be the same in anything and yes, if there is a need, we would help them. Fairness doesn't come into it as regards giving them all the same amount at the same time since a need being met is just not the same as a gift. As jings says hopefully everything gets evened out down the line.
That was so nice that your brother's children shared their inheritance with your children.

We have given our DC equal money gifts when we have had a fit of generosity and it has been interesting to see what they have done with it. Not the same either by any means!

As for the concern mentioned down the thread about sibling rivalry if the children know they can come in confidence and the arrangements are made in private and kept private then it won't happen. It is good for DC to know that confidential is confidential.

I've helped each of mine when they needed it and where I was able. I have one son who has more money than the rest of us put together but I've also given him equivalent amounts as I felt treating them equally was very important.

I possibly got this from my parents. When my mother died she left me and my brother exactly the same amounts, half and half of everything. This was even though my brother was much better off than me. I didn't resent it as it was my mother's money to do whatever she wanted with it, plus treating us equally did seem fair. As it turned out my brother died five months later so his children got all his money, and it was a lot. They felt guilty and gave some of it to my children.

One has children and one doesn't have a family. The GC get presents,outings and lots of treats the one without the family gets more money spent on birthday and Christmas presents. It can be so very difficult especially if they are not exactly in the same place i.e. Job security , owning homes etc. Would like to think that I could help each one out as required without the other being jealous or resentful but not sure that would happen.

Being fair doesn't mean treating them the same. They each need different help at different times. Financial or otherwise. I have helped 1 DS much more than the other, but 1 of them suffered badly in the recession while the other was in a secure job.

I try to be fair with both financial and practical support. I know the 'children' are adults now but I have such clear memories of comments like "she's got more peas than I have" and fear sibling rivalry could rear its ugly head again.

We are always fair when it comes to giving lump sums to them, but if real need arises then that one gets it. We helped one of them out in quite a big way. It was necessary to keep a life on track. It will, hopefully, get evened out down the line.

It depends on the circumstances, I help by buying GC's shoes and other expenses that go with GC. DD is childless and does not expect me to buy her a pair of Jimmy Choos every time GC get new shoes