Am I hoping for too much

Both my DDs live 3 hours away by train. One is married with a family and works and the other is in a relationship and works. We have decided that while I am still able to travel, I will visit them as it costs so much more for them to come to me. I go several times a year, and next month it is my birthday on a Friday, so I'm going down the day before and my daughters will take the day off work so we can have a 'girly' day. I love those days when we can get back together as we were, (single parent family) but I also love tha family days when everyone is together. I get the best of both worlds at the moment.

When I get too old to travel I guess I won't see them as much, but I'm sure they will come up a couple of times a year and that will have to do.

I accidentally found a way of talking to DS on his own when, due to problems with my hands, I had to ask him to come out to the kitchen and do the carving for me, he chatted away for ages and then helped out with dishing up. He no longer pops in on his own but his family life is very busy now, Dil works full time too so their time together is limited and Dgc have endless hobbies and clubs.

This quality time phrase puzzles me because I love any time with DD and DS; it's not crossed my mind that I would expect time with DS 'on his own'.

If it is just the two of us for some reason then great, but it's certainly not something I expect to have.

Thanks for all the answers g/Netters. Lots to think about, but the overriding answer ( which I had already sussed ) was he has his own family now and my visits over to see them all is enough for him. Can't remember who said what but re ex dh I was always trying to get him to go and see his mum when he went up north for work as she would have been over the moon, as she was on her own, but he never did, don't get why dils in general wd be miffed. I think because son and I were once very close ( as just us after divorce, daughter was at uni ) I expected we wd always have a close talkative relationship. Haven't read the mother/daughter thread yet, but I would have loved a good talkative relationship with my mum but she was more of a private person with me, maybe I hoped to change that with my son. Was not even thinking about bringing it up again that's why forum is good for getting things chewed over, as are all my friends. Thanks :-)

Just saw your post mischief and that girly day would be lovely but translated into mother/son day , but according to most forums that does not generally happen. I too have great time with them all and like you will continue to travel to see both kids until health/ money becomes an issue. Thanks

My two sons see me when they can. It is not often and one only lives a mile away. They both have very busy lives.One works shifts and the other is in the forces and his home is quite far from me. Those of you with a lot of friends are very fortunate as most of mine have died, so life is quite lonely as I am widowed. I know they both love me and that is enough

All time spent with my grown up and move away offspring and their families is quality time. Like some others, I dislike that expression because it implies that some of the time one spends with one's offspring isn't good.

I think your man friend has got it right, blondie. Live and enjoy your own life (and freedom!) and be happy with what you have. Seeing your son and his family every two or three months sounds fine to me.

Just a thought... is there no time when you can talk grown up stuff with your son (and daughter-in-law f she wishes to be included) after his kids have gone to bed when you are visiting?

I have to say that I take great delight in my sons-in-law and it is wonderful that we have these new people in our lives who share the same love of our DDs. I am not saying that there are never fleeting worries about what they do - but I do know that at heart they have the best interests of my DDs at heart. They are all a welcome addition to our lives, and we hope that the marriages will last - but who can see into the future?

Aren't families fascinating and so different?!

My son and daughter in law live in USA. They only get three weeks holiday a year. So, as long as we can long haul, we intend to visit them every year. My son says that he gets concentrated parent time. No grandchildren there.

My daughter and family are moving to live near us and I can't wait to have an easy day to day relationship without the travelling and staying overnight etc.

Family dynamics change all the time and as soon as babies come onto the scene we grandparents have to shuffle off centre stage and let them live in the limelight.

I live alone and canno longer travel. My only son lives a five hour car journey away and he only comes to see me two or three times a year. Although retired he looks after his three grand children and has various commitments. On line consultancy business, secretary of historical society and gardening club etc. however we do have email and FaceTime and he would drop everything if I needed him. He knows I have always been independent.

This has been a very interesting post to read as have just driven to my son's house (2hours drive) to help out for a couple of days as he has had a cartilage operation, both parents work full time., one 6 year old at school and a 2year old at nursery. I see the family 4/5 times a year but today my son and I had a long interesting chat! It was lovely! Usually it's all go with the children etc! I also see my 3 daughters quite often, although the eldest is now over 3 hours away but we all make an effort. I was on my own with them for 18 years so we are close. I am now remarried and they have taken "stepdad" to their hearts as well, yet we rarely see his 3 children. I feel very fortunate.

I am in a similar position blondie. I am on my own, I have a son and daughter in S. Africa, and a daughter in Germany. My wife passed away 2.5 years ago. My daughter in Germany, visited me every two or three months, when she came over to get my grandson. Who is boarding at a school in a city, near here. But now, he's old enough to travel back and forth, on his own, she never visits.

She says, the house, brings back too many memories of her mother. So I only see them, when I go over at Xmas. I am now 82, and don't enjoy the travelling. When I was working, I travelled to quite a few countries, world wide.

I miss them terribly, as I have no family, of any kind here. But I would never tell her. She phones, at least once weekly. So I just grin and bear it, as she's a good daughter otherwise. So I would say, much as you miss them, make the most, of what you've got.

Do you go and visit your GS at his boarding school? He might appreciate a Grandad to take him out?

My son and DiL and 2DG live 7/8 minutes drive away from us.
Is it asking too much to see them say every 4/5 weeks?.
We invite them for lunch and the DG always have a lovely time. DIL never invites us for a meal, only once in 5 years.
Unfortunately DiL and I have just had a big falling out, things have been said in anger and she has made it clear that she thinks we get in the way of their family life. She kept saying 'we are a family, we are a unit' and was very condescending and unpleasant to me.
I really don't know what to do now as I feel my DS is in an impossible position and I had no idea that she felt this way.
Does anyone think that he should have told us how she felt?. She is not the easiest person to get along with and has never been very friendly towards me in the 10 years that I've known her.
I babysit when asked to and always offer to help out in any way I can.
She never invites us to join them in any outings, not even to the Zoo even when we gave them an annual subscription to the Zoo.
Why couldn't she just have explained this to me in a nice civil way instead of being so horrible to me.
All I've ever wanted was to see my GC and have some time with them.
I simply do not know what to do now. Can anyone offer some advice on how to handle this awful situation.

The only way round this Gemmag is for you to apologise to your DIL. This is why I make a point of never falling out or criticising or arguing with my DIL as she is very like the way you describe yours. I don't expect to be invited to their days out now as I know it will never happen. The little 2 year old asked me if I was going on holiday with them, fortunately there was no one else there at the time! So grit your teeth and apologise otherwise it could go on and on. Sorry it's far from ideal but don't know what else you can do

I think some DILs read too much Mumsnet. They are always going on about our little family our little unit being disrupted by pils who would like to see their GC and their sons . If not that they are then going on about how they never get help financial or free childcare. there is one poster on Mumsnet who immediately jumps in with how disgraceful you should cut them out of your lives. I think she has some sort of agenda in wanting everyone to be as bitter and miserable and lonely as she is. Disclaimer:- I read the mil threads on Mumsnet as dreadful warnings but as I have only SILs I'm hoping for the best.

I really feel for you Blondie49. But for me it would be not seeing the DGC. My DD and her DH will at some time in the future move to New Zealand to be closer to his family The thought of not seeing my DGC (at present 4 + 5 months) would break my heart.
However it would be history repeating itself as I myself left home when I was 20 and settled in Germany. My mum and dad only saw the children once a year. When you are young you don't think about how the rest of the family are feeling as you are so busy establishing your own family and it's all a big adventure. I didn't think about it until I had my own DGC then it made me sad to think of my mum and dad missing me and the kids.
My DH is my DD's stepdad and although he loves her and the DGC he thinks of the positives like holidays in NZ.
And yes holidays there would be lovely but you don't go that far unless it's for a couple of months at a time. That then, inevitably would infringe on our lives. For one, the cost - flights are about £1000 (just now while oil prices are low!) and we are pensioners; We also have other DC and DGC; we would have to give up things like our choir and performances for a term because we would miss so many rehearsals, we would like a dog but couldn't afford kennels for 2 months, the cheapest time to go to NZ is our summer so I couldn't grow veg which I love doing. Top and bottom of it is - we have lives too. I guess in the end I would do anything to see my DD and DGC but it wouldn't be so easy.

What an interesting thread and so many thoughts come to mind. Blondie I would say it probably is too much to expect your son to think of coming on his own - if his work course was near then yes maybe he should pop in either on the way there or back but knowing how intense these courses can be I doubt he has any other thoughts than the workload and getting home to his own family. It's a very sad fact but true that each generation doesn't seem to realise the impact of leaving family behind until they have children of their own. Many years ago we left our home town and both sets of parents to move an hour away - as an only child my parents must have been upset but we used to go back most weekends for the day as a family unit when the boys were young and then 4 years later moved slightly further away. My parents decided to come and live here too and moved into the same street so we did see more of them than my in-laws and they spent a lot of time with the boys over the years. I went shopping with my mum most weeks but they lived very independent lives and sometimes that weekly shopping trip to the supermarket was the only time we saw each other until they were in their 80's and we became carers for them. I used to love going to visit my in-laws in those later years - we had such long interesting chats about anything and everything but I often had to prompt my husband to ring them if we hadn't been in touch and it wasn't until they were both very ill that sometimes he would drive over on his own while I stayed here to see to mine. My own son's moved away too - one with his family down south who might occasionally pop in unexpectedly if he's visiting a client nearby but they have a dog and are unable to visit as a family except on very rare occasions so he has come up with his daughters to see us in years gone by - more often than not we end up going there. Their eldest daughter is now at uni so they are also going through that transitional period of children flying the nest. My other son moved away when he was 16 and then to London at 19 - he emigrated to NZ 3 years ago and now at 41 has 2 small babies so rarely contacts us. I'm sure he misses us but is so busy with his own life probably doesn't realise the impact their move has had on us. As UkeCan says it's too far to go for a couple of weeks - we did it last year and it wasn't the best idea although we did get to meet our little grandsons. With our own work, home and animals to look after we can't go for the 2-3 months they say we need to spend there. Such is life as they say

I've just looked at Mumsnet. Its a lesson on how the next generation seem to see us. I'm just grateful for when we can see the extended family and try not to make them feel its an obligation to think of us. We keep busy with our own lives which is helpful as, apart from anything else, means there's lots to talk about on both sides when we meet up (fortunately for us that's weekly at least- not meaning to be smug, just grateful!)

I must say I am surprised by the OP. I don't see DS on his own, any time we may speak or phone is 'quality time' but if he called without the DGD and DIL my first question would be 'where are the girls'?
Dd are far away and I may get a couple of 'quality days' shopping wIth one if DH will mind DGS - she likes to escape once in a blue moon.

I think the answer is 'yes, you are, be thankful they are not too far away and you see them frequently'.
Unless you have a problem and want to talk to your DS in confidence I think we have to accept they come as a unit not a single entity once they are married and with a family.

Willow500, it seems these days the world is so accessible to this generation that it has become the norm for our kids to emigrate. My DD has a schoolfriend from Scotland in New Zealand who she meets up with when she visits her in laws and many others in various countries - Barbados, Australia, US. It is so hard and I remember when I lived in Germany - which in those days in the '70's was a long trip by car and ferry - my parents would come for a fortnight each year. From the day they arrived we were on countdown dreading the day we'd have to say goodbye for another year.
I'm normally a very positive person but the thought of not seeing my DD and DGC so much is upsetting. I just keep myself busy and try not to think about the day they inevitably will go. :-/