Painfully shy grandchild

I see that is on another thread now

She will have a devil of a job stopping young chidren from talking about their holiday in the USA. Far better not to lie.

My daughter is paying £120 to take her 5 yr old son out of school for a two weeks holiday to Orlando Another lady in the same school is also taking two children out of the same school, again during term time, but has confided to another "friend" that she is going to say they are ill. What does anyone think of this?

I was also painfully shy and dreaded all the aunts and uncles visiting as I never knew what to say to them. I wanted to be left alone, not be asked how I was getting on at school (okay) what was my favorite subject, who was my favorite teacher, etc. I would be squirming with embarrassment, I don't know why.
I used to disappear up to my room and stick my nose in a book. Anything to get away from everybody. I didn't want to be the centre of attention and I still don't.
I would advise to let her be, and do not draw attention to her, just a friendly smile, no bombarding her with questions. She may gain confidence as she gets older, but at her own pace.

Lots of good replies. She may well change, she may stay just as shy, she may become more shy depending on how people treat her. One thing she should definately NOT be accused of is attention seeking!

I can stand up and speak in front of a roomful of people now, it doesn't bother me - but it took years to get to that point and adults trying to force a child before they are ready are counter productive.
She will do it in her own time and needs the adults in her life to make her feel comfortable, and not imply that there is something wrong with her.
She may be very sociable and outgoing in 20yrs time.

There's nothing worse than being a shy child and being forced to be sociable - you just shrivel up inside. I didn't really develop any self confidence until I was married and had children. I finally reached a point where even I could believe that I had some sort of status.

I would suggest looking at Bach Flower Remedies Mimulus and Larch for your granddaughter.Quite safe to use, no problems with taking with other medication, lots of info on www.bachcentre.com. Worth a go believe me, there will be lots who disagree, but urge you to at least have a look at the website Lindill49.

This isn't quite the same but one of my grandaughters will only shake my hand (she's 9) and that is the only physical touch she'll allow!

Hopefully, one day she will grow out of it. I was that child and at school, would have shrivelled up and died rather than take part in discussions. I did get a little braver in later school and college years. I would agree that becoming a mother changed all that. I sat on committees and eventually took on a training role and would now quite happily stand up and speak in front of any size audience. What a change from the four year old who was taken to a party, stayed in a quiet corner all afternoon and neither spoke to anyone nor ate any of the party food. So there is hope!

Thanks for the link - excellent advice.

Lindill49's granddaughter is unlikely to change suddenly- the change will be very gradual- therefore it is the adults that need to change.

As a child I found some adults easy to talk to and they were the ones who gave space, were interested in what I was saying rather than an ulterior motive of drawing me out and didn't have expectations.

You're welcome.

Thanks Wilma

Leticia. ?

That's a shame. You can download it from here if you like (I hope!)

Anya's Chart for Caring for Extroverts and Introverts

Thanks!
I think Anya's chart looks good but I couldn't read it properly as it blurs as I enlarge it.

Leticia that's a perfect description.

It is a bit like being left handed- it is perfectly normal and not a problem apart from right handed people thinking it is a problem!

Thank you. It is much easier to understand if you were the shy child and the worst thing possible is to have it drawn attention to, have people try to force you out or have people take over and do it for you.
I can understand that it must be frustrating if you are a different type. I remember being somewhere with my mother when I was 11or 12 yrs where we were asked a question. Hands were up all over the place and I resolutely ignored my mother nudging me. When we came out she said 'you knew the answer to that didn't you?' I agreed and she said that people would think me stupid if I didn't put my hand up- to which I remember saying 'they will just have to think me stupid then'.
My eldest DS isn't shy at all but he is an introvert. I remember his sixth form tutor saying she was worried about how he would cope at university and I said that he would be absolutely fine- which he was.
I had a new sister-in-law when he was 2yrs and she kept wanting to cuddle him- I tried to explain that she would have to ignore him and give him time. They have a good relationship as adults but I don't think she ever got the cuddle!
I could go on and on with examples but all that I am trying to say is that there is nothing wrong with the child other than being shy and you can't cure shyness overnight or by forcing it.
OP is not going to be met by a cuddle and a chatty child keen to show her things and tell her all her news, so she needs to find a different approach and stop expecting it, or foretelling problems at the new school or thinking she needs counselling. Spending time alone with her baking a cake, making an Easter decoration, having a long walk- or whatever suits them both- would be far more profitable.

Good post Leticia

Leticia good to hear you and others speak out for the shy child. I was never shy, but having one of my grandchildren who is desperately shy, has made me realise they are as entitled to be accepted for themselves just as they are, rather than what society expects.

That's why I like the heading in my pictures as it uses the phrase 'how to care'.

I think that you need to support the child you have rather than mould them to what you want.
As a child I was very happy and comfortable with my mother's side of the family because you could walk in after 6 months and they treated you as if they had seen you yesterday. My father's side made a great fuss of you, you were expected to kiss them and answer all sorts of questions before you had time to get used to them.
Lots of children never 'put themselves forward'. On MN you get mothers incensed because they child, 'yet again' doesn't have a main part in the school play, with no understanding that the child actually wanted to be the back row of the chorus. My neighbours child didn't even want to do that, he used to operate the lights. It doesn't mean that they don't change- he now produces films.

I think that OP ought to stop trying to 'bring out' the child, but rather interact with the one that they have. She needs to feel comfortable first. OP needs to get one to one situations where they are doing something - walking, cooking, gardening, playing scrabble, leading to knit etc etc are all things where they can talk without eye contact. Don't ask leading questions - chat and they are more likely to join in. e.g Don't say 'what subject do you like best at school?' But say what you liked and why, most likely they will then agree or disagree and you can go from there.

Anyone telling me that I was rude not doing a 'hello' and a hug would make it all the more difficult, you can't feel comfortable if people are critical. Counselling would have pushed me right into a shell.

Start with the positives
She is bright and doing well at school.
She has friends.
She has friends around and she stays with them.
She is bolshy sometimes- therefore a mind of her own!

(My mother thought my best friend at 11yrs was 'quite bullying' but she is still a great friend 50 years later)

Sorry to keep replying but I feel so sorry for the child to have her family at their 'wits end' and trying to get through with 'love and punishment' and comparing her with her 'lovely, happy outgoing mother'. She obviously doesn't take after her mother or her grandmother and needs time, space and encouragement. You can't force it. She may get worse as a teenager as it is a very difficult time. (I hated those years)

I was painfully shy up until I had my children when it improved a little . Mine was due to lack of confidence and it was agonising to be practically struck dumb in company. At 64 I am still quiet and reserved and still freeze a bit in company but I am fine one to one . I wish I was different but at my age I probably won`t change .
Saying that I would never have ignored my Grandmother , that must be awful for you to not even get a hello or a hug especially as you say she is different with friends x

The power of the introvert here We should celebrate them.

Well said watermeadow - I spent my time at parent's evenings saying that it would all come in time and not something you can force.
I hated my school reports saying Leticia would get more out of her lessons if she took a more active part as if I was supposed to say 'that's where I'm going wrong- I will speak from now on'!! Comments like that where very inhibiting.
Introverts are not all shy - I don't think my children were shy, but they were not extroverts. We should celebrate introverts - they are just different not inferior to extroverts. We need both.
Touchy freely people always seem to think that it is better- we are not all demonstrative and that doesn't mean there is anything lacking in us!