Disowning the family.

Ruby ， not the best position to be in for sure..Mine is similar but back to front.A father who still trys to control and a mother not strong minded enough to do as she did 30yrs ago and divorce him. Too many questions and complications.
If anyone is unwilling to adjust their behaviour to ensure a better run of consequences,then save your energy for your loved ones.Your turmoil is affecting you and not them,so readjust your thinking to eject the negativity and not allow others to unbalence you. Your energy is yours,let it be positive.

How are you now? I hope all went well, and you are able to put these people behind you and move on. X

I have followed your last forums and feel so sad for all you have been through. You seem to like your local vicar and I wonder if grief counselling is offered at his church. You don't have to be religious and it should be confidential. Gransnet is great for support and advice but I wonder if regular 1 to 1 meetings would help you through this very difficult time. You may already have been through this. Talking to someone totally outside your family and friends may just help.

Just read this Ruby and felt so glad of the wise advice and loving support here for you, much needed. Can't blame you for feeling so bitter and angry at all. I too know the pain of having a child with depression and all that entails. Your family sound a cowardly and selfish lot, but it's possible that they do care and simply do not know how to show it, obvious though that would be to you. I would avoid making irrevocable decisions whilst in the grip of pain, grief for your lovely dad, angrer and emotion-mind, but wait patiently and bide your time for a period when you feel a bit more grounded and calm, to reassess how you feel about them and what you want to do. I'd also agree with those who suggested some counselling - I've found that Relate is excellent and not simply for marriages/partnerships but help with other family or friend relationships also. At the least it will allow you to voice your feelings and could help you focus more clearly.
For now, simply ask yourself what action would best help you feel proud of your responses right now, when you look back at it? And which would you feel hadn't helped the situation?
I hope that the funeral went as smoothly and well as it could do, and that you gain some comfort in the days and weeks to come.

I think that people are well able to make up their own minds about who they want to know and who they don't. IMO just because a person is a family member it doesn't mean that you have to like them... Do what you head/heart tells you to. I know so many people who don't get on with family and haven't done for years. It has only brought them heartache when they have tried to get together, why keep putting yourself through it?!

So sorry to hear all this, Ruby, but you are most certainly not alone in experiencing this. My son actually disowned me some 4 years ago now, after I explained that I was changing my will immediately before undergoing risky major surgery. All I was doing was including my two Granddaughters. I haven't heard from him since that day, and the stress of that certainly made my recuperation and healing much more protracted. All that after I'd try to put him through three University courses... kicked out of each one... helped to buy 2 houses.. repossessed for non-payment of mortgage... gave him 2 cars... and so on through all his adult life.I now see that all I was to him was a convenient cash-cow. It broke my heart initially, but 4 years down the line I now see that he actually did me a favour by alienating himself. These days I focus on those who bring a positive input to my life, and steer well clear of the negatives. Life's too short to voluntarily saddle yourself with those who simply want to use you, and end up by draining you dry. I wish that I'd done the walking away myself years earlier, thus saving myself a lot of pain. Hope it all works out for you, but remember that you can take control of your own life, and can make changes which will improve it significantly. Be brave. x

Just caught up with your sad and horrible situation. I hope today goes as well as could be expected. You have had some lovely responses in the GN posts. Rise above it all today, and I thought Cherrytrees post was very good advice - to try to have someone else to get them to back off. Your health is the most important and the stress of these people are making it worse, so yes dissociate yourself from them - you don't need them.

Good luck in the future, take time to grieve, it's not a race, and one day you will be able to joing the mainstream of life again - hopefully a happier one. Take care.

rubylady. I don't post here often but I know a little of what you are feeling.

When my father died, I cut off all ties with my family for oh.. lots of reasons. I also changed my christian name by deed poll.

I made a clean breast of things and the name change was the most significant thing I did. It removed me from people whom I decided were an extreme negative. In short - I moved on.

Was it the right thing to do? Not sure. Cutting yourself off from family - no matter how bad is a harsh thing to do.

If I were in your shoes now I would take one day at a time and wait for a while.

Grief is a funny thing. It can make you think irrationally. Wait for a while before you make any decisions, and remember that when you do these decisions will affect your children, and you for the rest of your life.

One thing I will say is what i did was honest and maybe should have been done long before, but when my dad was alive I didn't want to upset him. It's just the timing of it, so close to losing a loved one

Best wishes

Thank you all.

Please see "someone's come for my dad" for funeral news. It's not depressing, honest, some quite funny.

Ruby be strong, do what is best for YOU. Ignore the negative people, think,, if this person was not related to you would you have chosen them as a friend. If the answer is no, then you know what to do. Focus on other things, anything and push them out of your mind. Remember all the good things you have achieved for yourself and family and see if you can get some kind of therepy (is that the right spelling it keeps changing!) to help you. Just to let you know I went through a very bad period of health, my sister didn't help always trying to put me down and rake up things from the past. I just stopped answering her phone calls, no cards etc. But I do still keep in touch with her children who are lovely but we never ever talk about their mum. I don't want to know. Good luck and as I said keep strong.

I had to emotionally cut my self off from my father....long story and suffice it to say both my siblings did similar in their own ways. Eventually we all had little to do with him except make sure he was safe and healthy from time to time.

Emotionally its been a ghastly experience and all three of us carry a lot of damage and guilt from having had this man as a father. If we ever talk about it to others....not often now as we are all far too old to be carrying this around with us.....most people mutter about it being a shame and surely some sort of rapprochement could be sought. Sometimes its just not possible, he was a very nasty manipulative person and we were all a lot better off with him out of our lives. There are no fairy tale endings sometimes and recognising that fact is often the start of the solution. I do hope that people will begin to recognise that sometimes there is no choice and some families are best if left to drift apart so that we can move forward, make new relationships and have a much better future.

This saying came to mind when I read your posts. Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I feel for you and hope you can get on with your life. I am 64 and life is to short for you to have to put up with this. I hope you are strong enough to turn your back on people who are not their for you. Hope all goes ok for you today. I will be thinking of you, xx Good Luck.

Thinking of you ruby I hope all went well.

Thinking of you Ruby

I do hope all goes ok today Ruby

Thinking of you today ruby

Good luck for today and I know how you feel

so sorry for your problems, and lots of warm feelings coming from us all as you face the funeral of your beloved Dad. As others have said so kindly, dont do anything rash, rise above your family and be happy in what you had with your Dad, a relationship that nobody else in your family was lucky enough to enjoy. You are deserving of better, but now is not the time to make big life decisions. Rise above them all, and do your dad proud.

I promise to be more cheerful after tomorrow.

Aw, thank you so much POGS and Iam64. I am not going to do anything tomorrow to disrespect my dad, not at all. They are certainly not worth that. The funeral director will be there, who I know from school and the vicar, who, like I said, is lovely. I will be wearing my dad's watch.

If I can know myself that this is the last time I have to be in their company, then I will rise to the occassion like my dad would want, loved by him and proud to have been his daughter.

X posted with pogs there

I'm just catching up with how you're feelng ruby and wanted to send some supportive vibes. That feels like not enough and I can't add anything more constructive to the comments already made by others.
I hope the service tomorrow brings some peace to you. Please try and avoid conflict tomorrow, let things settle a bit. So often, the death of a parent leads to less contact within families, which seems to be what you want
Try and get some rest (flowers)

Oh dear Ruby your posts are some of the saddest I have read on GN.

You are so emotional and terribly upset at the moment but I believe you when you tell us how your family has been so dysfunctional over the years. As the saying goes you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family , certainly has a point.

Tomorrow needs to be a day for reflection but try to be the better person at this difficult time in your life and shortly you can make the right decisions for the right reasons and protect your sanity by electing to cut yourself off but do you really think it wise at this precise time? You are as cross as hell and to put it bluntly you are on a mission to 'tell um what you think about them' but do you really need the extra pressure a fall out with your family will bring you, tomorrow of all days especially.

Forgive my forthright post but you really do need to watch your health , grieve for your dear dad but remember you shared something the others obviously could never get close to understanding or sharing with him, pure love for each other . Your fondnest for your dad has come through by the bucket load he would not want you to be this unhappy I am sure. . [hugs]. for tomorrow dear Ruby.

I've done all that, more than once. I just want to put them behind me and have some fun with some new honest people. Life is too short to keep going over things about these people.

I can fully understand why you want to cut yourself off from them, The do sound a veryt negative bunch. But you need to make sure you do not do anything you might regret.

You sound like yo need support to get through this difficult time. Does your GP practice offer any counslling service or maybe get in touch with CRUSE who can be supportive after a bereavement? It would give you a space to talk about all your difficult relatives with someone who will not take sides but offer you possible choices and so help you get to the right decision for you.

I hope you have someone you can turn to for a real hug. {{{Hugs}}}