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Disowning the family.

(62 Posts)
rubylady Mon 04-Apr-16 18:27:15

I want to cut my extended family out of my life. The trouble is, they keep getting back in touch. I really don't want to be anywhere near them, I don't trust them at all. I am talking my siblings and my mother. How do I make it clear once and for all that I don't want them in my life? Or do I have to do it legally, even if you can do? They don't take no for an answer. It feels like being stalked.

mumofmadboys Mon 04-Apr-16 18:29:16

That is a very sad wish, Rubylady.

harrigran Mon 04-Apr-16 18:36:41

Sad but if you are determined just don't answer the phone or reply to their letters and emails.

wot Mon 04-Apr-16 18:38:38

Give them another chance??????

Ana Mon 04-Apr-16 18:40:39

No, you can't do it legally, unless they're harassing/threatening you.

Perhaps they feel that as your dad has just died they'd like to keep in touch with you, but if there is so much bad blood between you you can only do what harrigran suggests. Sad, though sad

f77ms Mon 04-Apr-16 18:42:52

What have they done Ruby ? If they are causing you pain and distress then you are doing the right thing but sometimes things calm down if you give it time xx

MiniMouse Mon 04-Apr-16 19:29:09

Ruby you've had such an emotionally draining time without support, you must be feeling exhausted and let down. Wishing you well for tomorrow flowers

Willow500 Mon 04-Apr-16 20:10:02

Ruby please don't do this at this time - you've been though so much and now isn't the time to make such a life changing decision. Get tomorrow over and give yourself some space to get your head together. You're in an emotional turmoil right now and whatever reasons you have for thinking you need to do this might look different in a few weeks. If they don't then it's easy enough to cut yourself off from your family - my DIL has done it with her own mother and sister with very good reasons but years down the line it's still very hard for her. I hope tomorrow goes as well as such a sad occasion can do flowers

Cherrytree59 Mon 04-Apr-16 20:10:34

Ruby so sorry for the sad time you are experiencing at the moment.
Have you got a close friend or family member that you get on with that could perhaps speak to them on your behalf?
They could maybe explain that you have been struggling with your dads ill health and at the moment you are still in the early stage of grief. Therefore you would appreciate if they could all give you some space and quiet time.
And if and when you are ready you will get in touch with them.
A big hug to you. This is definitely the time to put yourself first

Penstemmon Mon 04-Apr-16 20:32:14

flowers Please don't act in haste or when in such an emotional state. As others have said try to give yourself some time before you make or take major decisions/actions that in time you might come to regret.
I agree with cherrytree seek help and support form a friend who could act as a buffer between you and extended family . Take care x

rubylady Mon 04-Apr-16 20:58:24

It's been over 25 years of empty promises, saying they would come and see me/us but nothing. Telling me to "pull myself together" when I went through a bad depression and no coming to see me. Years of promises to the children as they grew up with no intentions of going through with it and disappointing them by not turning up. I've lived here nearly 18 months now, my sister passes my house to go and see my mother but never has called in, even after promising to. I got no support at all when my son when through his depression, months of me not knowing what to find when I got back home, him staying in his room not speaking or expressing himself because he was so low. I needed help. He needed help. Nothing. The only time they want me is when they have a problem. My brother is out there "putting his seed about as far and wide as he can" (his words for what men are supposed to be doing) and my sister is out still partying, never stopped. My mother is an alcoholic. She has brainwashed my sister. Sitting at the side of my dying dad she said that my beloved Auntie must have been a lesbian because my mum said so and my sister must have "got it from somewhere". My Auntie was happily married for many years. . . to my Uncle. But being gone, she can't answer for herself and would be horrified with that accussation. My sister was also recalling bad times between her and my dad while sitting at his bedside. Could he still hear her, who knows? I told them in October he was diagnosed with cancer and some time ago that he had dementia so they had plenty of time to see him but no, they have crawled out of the woodwork this last fortnight, only when he was on his deathbed. They keep wanting to go into his flat to find things of value, he has nothing of value.

As some will know, my health has deteriorated over the last couple of years. I can hardly get around the house most days now and I have told them about it. Again nothing. I know when I go for the treatment for these pre cancerous cells that they will be anywhere but with me. I have a heart appointment very soon and will be on my own. My brother came with me to have a monitor put on, had to have it on for a week, he had me sit in the car back at home while he spouted off about his problems for ages, me with the monitor just on, wanting to just be home but feeling like a prisoner in his car. A very oppressive person.

They manipulate and make me feel inferior all the time. And yet I'm the one who has been a single parent, hopefully got both children to university, kept a roof over their heads and food on the table. My brother has two sons, he teaches them to put their seed about too. He has had them part time since his divorce when they were very small, they live with their mum and stepdad so three parents there. My sister has none.

I have to get the negative people out of my life, the ones who don't care about me. My health has to get better or I don't know what I will do. In order to do this I have to do it on my own once and for all. Like I always have but thought I had a family to depend on.

rubylady Mon 04-Apr-16 21:06:46

Just before I came on here I phoned the vicar who is conducting the service tomorrow. She came round on Friday and was lovely, but no answer so I left a message. My DS is in a foul mood after going back to college today and I know better than to try to talk him round, better to leave him until he is ready to explain.

I'm just dreading it, saying goodbye to my dad. The only person who would have understood me tonight out of family is my dad. Maybe I should still "talk" to him, although he would be moaning then saying he doesn't get any peace from me, even in the afterlife.

Penstemmon Mon 04-Apr-16 21:10:30

I can fully understand why you want to cut yourself off from them, The do sound a veryt negative bunch. But you need to make sure you do not do anything you might regret.

You sound like yo need support to get through this difficult time. Does your GP practice offer any counslling service or maybe get in touch with CRUSE who can be supportive after a bereavement? It would give you a space to talk about all your difficult relatives with someone who will not take sides but offer you possible choices and so help you get to the right decision for you.

I hope you have someone you can turn to for a real hug. {{{Hugs}}}

rubylady Mon 04-Apr-16 21:29:15

I've done all that, more than once. I just want to put them behind me and have some fun with some new honest people. Life is too short to keep going over things about these people.

POGS Mon 04-Apr-16 21:31:10

Oh dear Ruby your posts are some of the saddest I have read on GN.

You are so emotional and terribly upset at the moment but I believe you when you tell us how your family has been so dysfunctional over the years. As the saying goes you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family , certainly has a point.

Tomorrow needs to be a day for reflection but try to be the better person at this difficult time in your life and shortly you can make the right decisions for the right reasons and protect your sanity by electing to cut yourself off but do you really think it wise at this precise time? You are as cross as hell and to put it bluntly you are on a mission to 'tell um what you think about them' but do you really need the extra pressure a fall out with your family will bring you, tomorrow of all days especially.

Forgive my forthright post but you really do need to watch your health , grieve for your dear dad but remember you shared something the others obviously could never get close to understanding or sharing with him, pure love for each other . Your fondnest for your dad has come through by the bucket load he would not want you to be this unhappy I am sure. flowers. [hugs]. for tomorrow dear Ruby.

Iam64 Mon 04-Apr-16 21:38:30

I'm just catching up with how you're feelng ruby and wanted to send some supportive vibes. That feels like not enough and I can't add anything more constructive to the comments already made by others.
I hope the service tomorrow brings some peace to you. Please try and avoid conflict tomorrow, let things settle a bit. So often, the death of a parent leads to less contact within families, which seems to be what you want
Try and get some rest (flowers)

Iam64 Mon 04-Apr-16 21:39:32

X posted with pogs there

rubylady Mon 04-Apr-16 21:45:30

Aw, thank you so much POGS and Iam64. I am not going to do anything tomorrow to disrespect my dad, not at all. They are certainly not worth that. The funeral director will be there, who I know from school and the vicar, who, like I said, is lovely. I will be wearing my dad's watch.

If I can know myself that this is the last time I have to be in their company, then I will rise to the occassion like my dad would want, loved by him and proud to have been his daughter.

rubylady Mon 04-Apr-16 21:49:04

I promise to be more cheerful after tomorrow. smile

GillT57 Mon 04-Apr-16 22:02:23

so sorry for your problems, and lots of warm feelings coming from us all as you face the funeral of your beloved Dad. As others have said so kindly, dont do anything rash, rise above your family and be happy in what you had with your Dad, a relationship that nobody else in your family was lucky enough to enjoy. You are deserving of better, but now is not the time to make big life decisions. Rise above them all, and do your dad proud.

sweetcakes Tue 05-Apr-16 09:57:00

Good luck for today flowers and I know how you feel confused

harrigran Tue 05-Apr-16 09:59:32

Thinking of you today ruby flowers

NfkDumpling Tue 05-Apr-16 10:08:50

I do hope all goes ok today Ruby flowers

Katek Tue 05-Apr-16 10:17:51

Thinking of you Ruby flowers

Nana3 Tue 05-Apr-16 10:20:44

flowers Thinking of you ruby I hope all went well.