How do you prepare a child for death of a grandparent?

Hmm... I can imaginè my 'best-beloved's ' response to being compared to a pet rabbit. It wouldn't be reprintable on Gsnet!
Life has a lot of crap to throw at one in the course of a life, so why not at least make it a little sweeter for the first few years ? Of course we know our dear ones aren't floating around on fluffy clouds, or twinkling in the night sky, but does it actually harm little minds to believe for a while? Surely better than the Victorian idea of purgatory, retribution and year-long mourning?
I don't have granddaughters to leave my meagre bits of 'bling' ....not that I imagine they'd even want them, but my grandson will inherit his grandpa's fishing rods, his hand-tied fishing flies, and his garden tools which will include his great grandfather's spade ..... somewhat like Trigger's broom (Only Fools and Horses???) No monetary value but packed with memories.These are the simple things that keep our loved ones with us even though we no longer see them.

That is so lovely Bella

https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201605/medium-829162-image.jpeg https://www.gransnet.com/uploads/talk/201605/medium-664332-image.jpeg

Our granddaughter was four years old when my DH died last year. She knew he was very ill and would spend hours tucked in beside him with his arm around her. When he died she accepted that he was poorly and now his poorliness was over.

I had a cushion made for her out of one of his shirts which she still hugs and takes to bed with her every night. She has accepted that he has gone, but misses him a lot

MargaretX it is entirely up to you what you would do in these circumstances, but I would do anything to support and help a young child through a sad time and if it is by stars so be it. As they get older they can make up their own minds.

Many years ago my mum said that she often saw robins, more than usual, when someone had died. I have remembered this and often when I see a Robin it gives my a warm feeling about those I have lost. Other people often see feathers.

I am not saying any of this is true, but it helps some of the bereaved through a difficult time, what harm is there in that ?

My GC's were all very young when DH died. We did the cloud thing with 2 of them. One day, when flying home from a visit to me, Nell, aged 4, was excited to be up in the clouds and yelled out 'Mummy, I can see Grandad!'. Everyone laughed (except a certain ex PM who was sitting in the row behind ). No, the clouds and stars are not true, but neither are the Tooth Fairy or Santa Claus, and it never hurt me or my children when we eventually found out the truth and it's better than going into detail about death and all that it entails.
Another GD who wasn't even born when Grandad died is intrigued by his absence and often announces to me 'Grandad's dead isn't he?' and then goes off to play, glad that we have had a little chat about it. She never asks any difficult-to-answer questions, just very matter of fact about the whole thing. Children are hardier than we think. I liken it to wrapping them up in coats and scarves when we are cold when they aren't necessarily feeling the same way.. I wouldn't get too worried about it, just go with the flow .....

When my own dearly loved grandfather died my youngest sister was terribly upset. I think what my father said to her was a wonderful way of describing why people have to die. He began by asking her to imagine an old house that nobody lived in any more. How it was broken, and leaky and couldn't be repaired. He asked her what she would do with it. Her answer was to demolish it and build a new one. This, he said, was like the death of my grandfather. He was old, worn out and so broken that he couldn't be mended, and so while he was gone, she was the new house being built for the future.
I haven't put this exactly as my Dad did, but you get the idea.

The best thing is to talk about pets, especially rabbits who don't live so long. I think children accept death if the parents do. I have shown my GDs my jewellery box and told them some of it will be theirs when I am no longer with them and shown them the rings of their Gt grandmother who died aged 98.
They told me that on the day DHs mother died, their mother (DD2) took the photo album , lit a candle and sat with them on the sofa looking at photos and shed a few tears. I never knew about this and was quite moved. As for the pain of seperation, they will have to go through that on their own. We can't protect them from it.
In our family we don't go in for looking at stars etc. Its not true anyway so why tell them an untruth.

After my husband died very suddenly in the New Year, my daughter, whilst coping with her own grief, was very aware that our 7 year old grandson might ask some questions to which there is no answer. The evening after he died there was a particularly bright star in the sky, so she drew his attention to it (he is very into astronomy ) and said 'Thats Grandad's star. Whenever you see it, you'll know he's here, looking down on us'. Image my surprise, or actually my momentary alarm , when I was staying with them at Easter, and he quite calmly announced ...'Grandad's back'. The star had of course appeared again in the small corner window that he and my daughter had first seen it. It gave us a bit of a turn, but he had remembered what his mum had said, and while it may seem mawkish, and totally without human logic, it reassures him for the time being. Obviously when he is an adult he will be able to ponder life, death and the million ways we imagine our mortality or immortality.

They can be very matter-of-fact about it.

I remember when there were two deaths in quick succession and my two children (about 5 and 7) filled a room with upturned chairs and draped them with sheets. When I asked them what it was they said it was a "dying machine" and you go in one end and come out the other dead. I did a bit of a double take, but then thought that it was probably their way of making concrete something they could not understand.

I also remember when a kitten died and after a couple of days they said "Can we have a white one next time?" - which seemed a bit mercenary, but hey-ho.

Thank you. I will seek out those books and have them on standby. I do feel better having read this though, thank you. Grief is different with children I suppose.

Sorry to hear that.

I agree, it isn't really necessary to prepare the young child for her granddad's death other than to tell her that he is very ill. No one knows when someone will die with any certainty, and children have little conception of time anyway. she could spend unnecessary weeks worrying.

Children in Primary School often lose a grandparent and it isn't unusual for them to talk about it amongst themselves. The suggested books are a good idea after the event to put little minds at rest.

There's a book called Grandma's Bill, by Martin Waddell, about a grandmother talking to her grandson about her memories of her husband, www.booktrust.org.uk/books/view/29922

Making a memory box with special things in it could help. But don't expect her to understand too much. I was once asked by a nine-year old whose father had died five years earlier "How long are you dead for?"

There is also a lovely Mog book about her death. You will need to ask in Waterstones and see which book would suit her best. A little, very gentle preparation before he dies. Children can get over worried by death, especially at that age when imagination rules. Be subtle before his death. Then the photos and home made books can come into play to build her memories.

Like that explanation Luckygirl

There is a book by Julia Donaldson called the Paper Dolls; also one called Badger's Parting Gifts by Susan Varley. Both are directly and indirectly about death. Also try these links:-

www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2015/feb/05/top-10-childrens-books-on-death-bereavement-holly-webb
www.whatsyourgrief.com/childrens-books-about-death/

My approach has always been to talk about life being a cycle and about love never going away, but becoming a part of those around you, which in turn becomes part of those around them - the idea of who you are and what you have contributed and how you have influenced others continuing for ever. We are sad not to see that person, but know that he or she is very much a part of who we are.