How do you prepare a child for death of a grandparent?

I think the worst thing I every had to do was to tell my 5 year old nephew that his mother had died. His father totally refused to do it. My sister had been in hospital terminally ill with cancer for some while, and this was before the days of books that might help to explain things. All I could do was over time to gradually prepare him for what was to come. Afterwards we always used to look at photos of her life when she was younger and talk about what she had hoped for him in the future.I felt it was important he remembered her as a person who was so important in his life. He has grown up into a lovely affectionate man she would have been so proud of. His relationship with his father was never great and he spent a greater part of his life with us.

I'm from the USA Pennsylvania you're the first sight I came upon the grandparents and I registered because I want to get retribution and civil rights filed because the alienated my parents for my daughter and now my mom is dead they took that away from my mom and daughter

Hello all, this is my first post on Gransnet. Reading your comments on this subject has brought tears to my eyes. My DH died in January this year. We told my 4 grandchildren that Grandpa's heart was too poorly to let him live & they accepted the explanation. A few days later we got each of them a helium balloon & told them to write a message to grandpa. Thomas, 5, wrote on his "have a nice time, goodbye". It brought a much needed smile to our faces. The other 3 also wrote lovely words & we then watched as the balloons went up to grandpa in the sky. They talk about him regularly & in their own way have coped with losing someone so close to them. Being a star etc might not be true of course but if it helps a young child to accept then no harm at all.

Bella - thank you for sharing the photograph of DGD and the shirt cushion, what a marvellous way for her to remember her DGF.
A few years ago I had a lovely and touching illustrated book about a grandfather and his garden which was still there, with the child working in it, when he no longer was. I think it was called 'Beautiful' and of course wish I hadn't passed it on.

One of my granddaughters told me that she was going to marry when she was very young.

I spent half an hour explaining to her that one does not marry young, just to have lovely wedding, wear a beautiful dress and a fabulous party etc. One waits until, whenever that may be, one falls in love and meets the very special person that will become her husband.

My granddaughter (aged 7) looked at me as if I were mad and exclaimed that she HAD to marry young as she wanted me to be at her wedding. Ahem.

Should I be pleased at the sentiment or does she know something that I don't........?

I believe that one should be open and honest about death. Wanting to spare all our grandchildren from pain, should we die, we have always discussed the subject, saying that people have to die to make room for the new babies that are born. They accept this theory without question however I hope it doesn't have to be put into action too soon.........

GS aged 6 told me the other day"Don't be sad Nana, but when you die, I'm going to scatter your ashes in the garden, because you like your garden". As others have said, I think small children need honesty and continuity in coming to terms with death.

As a Macmillan nurse I encounter this a lot - a lovely book is Water bugs and Dragon flies particularly if you can visit a pond to see the book 'happening'. Be honest and answer questions at their pace. Also let schools / nursery know so that they can provide extra support if necessary

Its true death is part of life - we talk about other important things in life but this is often glossed over. I totally agree about attending the funeral if that is what the child wants to do and also to help with plans

Our cat died aged 17 and we buried him in our garden. Our oldest DGDs were about 6 and 4 at the time. The next morning I regretted not letting the DGDs see the cat dead so they would understand what death is. As I voiced this to DH he turned to me and said "I am NOT digging the cat up!"
We had the opportunity to take them to the funeral of an elderly man they'd known at our church. We took colouring books and said if you have questions ask them later at home but, I think because they weren't emotionally involved, they took it all their stride. It was a lovely service to at all sad. A long life well lived.
I loved the idea of cuddling Grandad's shirt Bella. It's something we all have to face isn't it? So hard. . . . .

My two GSs lost their other nana 18 months ago. She knew she was dying and at first didn't want the boys to see her 'like this' . But she changed her mind and asked to see them to say 'goodbye' . One was 8 and the other 4.

They were sad, but have coped very well with the loss and still speak about 'grandma' and have fond memories of her. I think, with hindsight, it was better that way, rather than grandma just suddenly disappearing from their young lives.

I have tears in my eyes reading this. My GD who is four had a dance teacher who died at the same time as my dog passed too just a few months ago. I was telling her that my dog was now a star in the sky taking care of us. She said,"When you die you can NEVER come back again." I was taken aback that she seemed to have understood it and had tears in my eyes again. Her mum never told me about her dance teacher but I do think all the family members should be giving children the same answers. There's no point in mum saying one think and gran saying something different. Continuety is what's needed for little minds to process things.

I volunteer in a hospice, and there is an excellent book they use to help children cope with the death of a parent or sibling. It tells the story of a dragonfly who as an underwater bug cannot imagine what death is like, but sees others crawling up stems and disappearing. They change into dragonflies, but cannot return to tell their friends what has happened to them. Only costs a few pounds on Amazon www.amazon.co.uk/Water-Bugs-Dragonfiles-Explaining-Children/dp/0829816240

When my grand-daughter was two and a half, my husband died suddenly. She had been devoted to grandad and her favourite place for an afternoon nap was on his lap but my son found a great way to explain the situation to her: grandad is now a star, the biggest and brightest in the night sky, and every evening at bedtime she sings "twinkle, twinkle little star" to him. She still talks about him and loves looking at photos of him but is accepting of the fact that when she visits, grandad isn't here any more. Nine months after his death, I'm still devastated, but the way GD and her parents cope with his loss makes it easier and less painful than it was...

I agree with trisher ( so glad I noticed and was able to correct - my computer changed that to trashier !!). Back to the subject - My son was just short of 6 when my mother died. She had been very ill for a very long time and I had prepared myself many times but her death came suddenly from pneumonia. I took a good few hours to get myself together before talking to him, during which my very boisterous and often naughty son was being very well behaved and quiet, but no outward sign of upset.
When I did sit him on my lap to talk to him, and to let him know it was ok to be upset and talk about it he was the one who reached up to stroke my hair and inform me that yes he was sad but she was only his Nanna and he was more worried about me because she was my mummy.
I was the one who was left in tears by the conversation and the level of empathy which he was not only experiencing but also able to verbalise.

Another children's book which addresses the issue of death and which I don't think has been mentioned here is: "The tenth good thing about Barney" by Judith Viorst. (Available online.) I bought it for my DS (who is now 48) and again for my DGC (because the original went to my sister's children) and all the children liked (if that's the right word) and appreciated it. It's about a cat, is very well written and I truly recommend it.

I think we sometimes underestimate the ability of children to cope with death. I don't know how much you need to prepare your GD. I think she is too young to be told much in advance. In my experience 6 year olds expect what you say is going to happen, to happen very quickly (even immediately). So perhaps just a general conversation about things dying without mentioning grandad.
As a bit of light relief my 13 year old GS is 'doing fossil fuels' at school just now and was talking to me about how they will run out. He then gave me a grin and said cheerfully. "Course you won't be around to see it."!!!!!

Our three grandchildren (10,7,4) have a great grandmother who is 95 and one of their aunts died last year. They all know that people die. In regards to the aunt the older ones understood that she was very ill and in a lot of pain and that the doctors couldn't help her.

We have always talked to them in terms of treasuring the memories of loved ones. I have photos of my father around the house and we talk about how he is always 'inside' me because of the things that he taught me.
Thank you to Bella for the cushion idea and also to Luckygirl. The Paper Dolls is a favourite in this house but I hadn't thought of relating it to death.
Please don't buy the Miffy book about the death of grandma. It's excruciating.

I worked with Cruse with bereaved children for a long time. Answer any questions honestly according to your beliefs as a family. Do not use euphemisms like "goes to sleep" or "gone on a journey" The first will make them afraid of sleeping the second makes them believe he can come back. Children under 5 don't understand that death is permanent and some children don't understand this until they are 6 or 7.

Research shows children do better if they are allowed to attend the funeral and have some way of saying goodbye and remembering even if they are small. I've never spoken to a child whose regretted going to a funeral I've met many who regretted not being allowed to. It is not frightening if there is a trusted adult who can be with the child and reassure them about anything they experience.

Books are good preparation before and after but be prepared to be asked to read and discuss the same things many times. Children move in and out of grief but feel it just as much as adults. Making memory boxes or being given keepsakes which mean something to the child is comforting. Be prepared that children of all ages will regress physically and emotionally in the aftermath of a death and may be afraid other beloved people may die as well so may be more clingy, or be reluctant to go to school. Let them talk about the person they've lost and don't hide your grief from them , that doesn't protect them it makes them think you don't care.

Always tell the truth in a way that can be understood and share comfort as a family.

Not wishing to be flippant but today, taking DGS2 (4 1/2) to the loo he asked"'Granny, as you are very old does that mean you are going to die soon?"
Less of the old I thought (just turned 68!)! So I said "No way, I am going to be around for AGES to tickle and tease you."
I laughed it off but it did give me pause for thought ????

What are the facts if you have a family where some are religious and others are not?

I have done some work in the area of children and bereavement. It is important to be totally honest with them...they will take in as much as they are able. As a family it is important that everyone is saying the same thing...when a loved one dies it is difficult for a child if one person says the loved one is an angel, another says he is sitting on a cloud, another says he is in heaven etc. I would caution against saying that when death occurs the person has stayed asleep as this can make a child frightened of going to sleep themselves.
If your grandaughter does lose her grandad, there can sometimes be little reaction which adults can find upsetting. If it their first experience of death, there is a lot to take in.
Just be totally honest with her and tell her the facts clearly and simply so that she is prepared. Others have mentioned some of the excellent books that are available.

And we now get but Grandad couldn't be a blackbird because he was vegetarian.
We have also bought lots of Woodland Trust trees in Grandad's name, and a seat at Beamish, so they can always go somewhere to mention and remember Grandad.
Not that they would forget him, but it gives a focus for them.

Bella what a lovely and comforting memorial that pillow is. Your post gave me a bit of a tear in my eye! for you. You must miss him so much too.

and

One of the songs played at my husband's funeral was "Blackbird". Every time we see a blackbird around the house my grandson asks if it's Grandad. His sister who is five years younger, gives him some very oldfashioned looks.

What we have told the younger grandchildren is that everybody is made of energy. When someone dies, all their energy goes into other things. Every living thing has energy, so Grandad could be part of a star, a blackbird, a tree, anything you want him to be.

Whatever helps a child make sense of their loss surely has to be good, and a kindness, whether true or not!

Bellasnana, your description of your DGD tucked in with your DH touched me deeply, as this was just how I was with my beloved grandda, who died when I was three. She'll always remember his love, and the cushion made from his shirt is just inspired

Another helpful book for little ones is Debi Gliori's No Matter What. And yes, there are stars..."Look at the stars, how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies."