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(41 Posts)
Opelessgran15 Thu 26-May-16 11:33:56

Just lately, DIL has made a couple of laughs comments about me being nosey, and I have said , laughingly ' yes I am!' However,I note she is very cagey about what she and my son are ' up to' now, and I don't feel, although I have joked about it, I am really. For instance, she has a couple of days a week off from her job,so I often ask if she has anything ( nice) planned? Just lately she either doesn't say or ignores the question. I think she goes out with her mum or friends, maybe she is fearful I will want to take up her time, but it's not that, I am just asking!
So where is the line between being 'nosey' or just interested in their lives? My son, being a man, doesn't chat to me that often, just a quick text once a week if I am lucky, and a two minute chat when I see him after dropping off or collecting DGC. I usually ask what they are up to that weekend, or have they seen so and so lately or did they know about this relative or that. I am becoming a bit sensitive about this issue. My DIL and I do have a good relationship on the whole,although like many of us on Gransnet , I often have to step on eggshells. I also miss the company of a relative I was close to, who passed away a couple of years ago, and we always talked about what we were up to, where we were going, who was doing what. I wasn't told I was being nosey then...I am confused...!

obieone Thu 26-May-16 12:06:01

I am guessing that when you spoke with your relative, it was a mutual exchange of information.

I would say that most often, a relationship with a DIL is not the same sort of relationship.
And it is possible that you want that with her, but can't have it?

ninathenana Thu 26-May-16 12:14:21

I can see both sides here. Your not being nosey your showing an interest and making conversation.
Your DiL could easily see being asked what they're up to, where they've been, who they've seen as nosey. I have a good friend who often texts me asking "What you been up too ?" it can get a bit wearing at times.
Perhaps you could come up with a different conversation starter or tell her what you've been doing.

Stansgran Thu 26-May-16 12:31:30

I think if you are doing free childcare then there is an obligation by the recipients to return the kindness and if that means saying what you are doing then they should just grow up and be civilised. I'm getting more and more irritated by the sound of parents who expect free child care but cba to give their own parents/pils the time of day.

harrigran Thu 26-May-16 12:32:38

Sorry but I think you are being nosey. Some people just can't help themselves but it doesn't make for a good relationship. GC are the best sources of information, they chat all the time while they are playing, that is how I know where they are going on holiday.

sunseeker Thu 26-May-16 12:33:27

Instead of asking what she has planned why not just tell her what you have done or are planning to do? Hopefully she will then respond with her plans. Alternatively it could be that she doesn't have any plans and that she feels her life is boring!

It can be a bit wearing when someone keeps asking what your plans are etc. I have a friend who every time I see her asks me what I have been doing (usually not a lot!) and if I have bought anything lately, I am very fond of her but sometimes I feel like saying I'm planning on sky diving naked and I have bought 16 kittens!! grin

Greyduster Thu 26-May-16 12:58:48

My son in law has a habit of saying "so what have you two got planned for this week then?" which makes me want to scream. I know he's just making conversation, not being nosey, but I always feel as if he puts me on the spot because we don't have a very exciting retirement and quite often we don't have a lot "planned" for our week - we just let it develop! It makes us seem rather dull. I just wish he would find some other conversational gambit!

Charleygirl Thu 26-May-16 13:01:34

I agree totally with sunseeker re asking whether I have plans for this weekend. No and not any in the foreseeable future. It is my business and I hate people asking me what I have done, am about to do and what I intend to buy. Some people are making conversation- I personally think that it can be an intrusion. I think that your DIL is thinking along those lines. I know that you are being friendly.

ninathenana Thu 26-May-16 13:04:03

sunseeker more or less what I said.

We don't have a mutual friend do we ? grin

M0nica Thu 26-May-16 14:56:18

DH does it to me in the morning 'What are your plans for the day?'and I always feel backed into a corner. It is not that I have nothing planned necessarily, but it gives a set-in-stone cast to any activities I have got that are actually quite flexible, like doing some gardening or getting on with making some curtains.

I know it is just a turn of phrase and to a certain extent he wants to know because he wants to make sure our separate activities do not clash, but whenever he says it my hackles rise.

rosesarered Thu 26-May-16 15:28:47

I think it's a man thing Monica as my DH asks me every day ( often asks what have WE got planned as well.)Unless I have firm plans I always say something vague like 'nothing much'.
Friends and relatives ask all the time too ( I like the 16 kittens and naked skydiving sunseeker grin
At least it shows an interest in your life though, if people do ask.

FarNorth Thu 26-May-16 15:55:37

If you are the asker, tho, and it's been made clear that the askee doesn't like it, knock it off.

Jalima Thu 26-May-16 16:08:52

M0nica at least he asks!

DH has twice made his own plans for this weekend and a day next week when we already had longstanding plans (in the diary) for those dates. Now I have to alter one and he has had to alter the other one pdq - or else!! angry

Opelessgran it is finding the fine line between being nosey and not showing any interest hmm
I wouldn't ask anything at all now unless the information is volunteered.

millymouge Thu 26-May-16 16:19:36

I hate being asked what I am going to do and equally what have you done, where have you been. I had this when I lived at home and now get it from my sister who lives near me all the time. I never quiz my adult children about things, and they always seem to tell me of their own free will. I always feel that if you want people to know you will tell them.

TriciaF Thu 26-May-16 16:20:52

He doesn't often ask me my plans, I'm very predictable, but I've started to ask husband what his plans are, then add something I've got lined up for him to do. eg Today I asked him to prepare a couple of mackerel ready for me to fry for lunch. I know he can do it because his Dad was a fishmonger.
He's getting very lazy otherwise.

cornergran Thu 26-May-16 17:14:23

I tend to share anything we have planned and just pause, sometimes I hear what others plan to do, sometimes I don't. If they don't offer I don't ask. Personally I'd usually rather offer the information than be asked, but having said that I like people to be reasonably interested, guess we can't get it right all the time.

Jomarie Thu 26-May-16 18:45:36

I have the same problem as Monica - my DH always has his day planned, usually the day before! I prefer to be spontaneous and see what the day brings and what I feel like doing (apart from certain commitments that I have on set days). The pleasure for me nowadays is in not having to chase my tail getting everything done and then being exhausted. He, on the other hand, feels terribly uncomfortable if he hasn't got "plans" - just the way he is - he's concerned that I'm wasting my time apparently but I just tell him that it is mine to waste if I so wish - that usually shuts him up. grin

Opelessgran15 Thu 26-May-16 19:48:25

Thank you all for your comments, especially obieone, harrigran, Jalima , and Stansgran. Truth in all of them I feel, I definitely miss my relative and it was a mutual exchange of information. I have always been very open,but not every one is the same, and I can now see DIL may think of it as an invasion of their privacy. However, I do help out a lot, and it's nice to have a bit of interaction when dropping off GC. Anyway, lessons learned, winding my neck and nosiness in for now! Comments about DH's made me laugh too...!

Grannyben Thu 26-May-16 19:49:04

It's becoming increasingly clear to me that some people can't do right for doing wrong. If you don't ask you're not showing interest and if you do ask it's non of your business. Is there a manual?

grannylyn65 Thu 26-May-16 19:53:43

Dil and I always ask each other if we have done/are doing something !

FarNorth Thu 26-May-16 22:59:43

Maybe interaction as chat about what you and the GC have done would be more acceptable?

Hildagard Fri 27-May-16 09:47:36

I always describe myself as naturally inquisitive not nosey, sounds better!!!

sillup Fri 27-May-16 09:53:33

Completely agree with Grannyben and grannylyn 65. "Got any plans for the day" is part of the daily conversation over morning cuppa in bed. I never realised it could be seen as anything other than interest in each other. I guess we're lucky that 40yrs plus we still care.

harrysgran Fri 27-May-16 10:02:56

Sounds like your DIL is trying to tell you politely to back off a little maybe she thinks you are lonely and would feel obliged to invite you along I think letting her know your plans is a better way to steer the conversation and if she wants you to know then she will reply telling you hers.

mancgirl Fri 27-May-16 10:13:41

Oh - making me think now!. If I haven't seen my ds and dil for a while (both work long days, busy social life) I usually WhatsApp a group message to them both and ask what their plans are for the weekend. Mostly my son replies. I always thought it was just keeping in touch and keeping lines of communication open. Maybe dil has a different view although we all get on. Will think twice now before asking the question!