Nosey?

Perhaps it seems that you are cross-questioniog her. Not everyone has cut-and-dried plans, and not everyone wants to discuss what they might do before they have decided on it.

Talk about your plans and she can add hers if she feels like it. If you don't have any plans, invent some - you can always say later if asked that you didn't get round to them.

I think it may be the difference between a closed and open question. "what are you doing today?" is closed, demands an answer then if you decide to do something different one can be told "you said you were going to . ." and feel cornered.

But an open casual comment such as "we're doing such and such. Got anything exciting ahead this weekend, or just relaxing ... " or similar does not confront so much; it also doesn't demand an exact answer and can be fobbed off without causing offence. Tricky I know, but a lot of us work hard to keep contact with out children/grandchildren without making too many enquiries.

Opelessgran, you have my sympathy. There isn't any harm in sharing plans and information if the information traded isn't taken advantage of. My sister won't tell my mother or me anything at all about her family life but I just get on with it and endure the witholding without comment . However, her reticence really hurts my mother as she'd like to have a bit more chatty, friendly information. Nevertheless, my mother would misuse the gossip in a way I never would and so I can't bame my sister for keeping things to herself. You have to be a wise old diplomat to negotiate family relations and not take or give offence! At least Gransnet lets you know you are not alone.

I agree with harrysgran - perhaps she thinks that you're angling for an invitation. Maybe she feels a bit guilty that you help with looking after the GC whilst she isn't offering much in return? If she is working full time she probably values her time alone with her immediate family. And it is, sadly, quite natural for her to be closer to her own mother than to you. I know this is hard.
Personally I love to know what is going on and what I miss most about going out to work is the day-to-day exchange of news, gossip and everyday happenings. I don't think that this makes me nosey, just interested in other people - which is a good thing in most peoples' view.
However I do have one friend who is reticent to the point of secretiveness about her life. Her friends always take care not to invade her privacy. Recently we found out that her husband had been very ill and she had had no support from anybody because none of us knew about it. She admitted later that she had felt very alone but didn't know quite how to speak to anybody about it. Such a shame.

It seems to me that the best sort of mother in law is the sort who sees all and says nothing. I had a friend whose mother was like this, and all of her children loved her. She never appeared to judge anyone, and if she did , it was only with a small passing comment.
She also never gossiped about one child to another - or if she did, I never heard her.

I find it hard not to jabber on about anything and everything - it's in my nature to be like that.

It might be nice if the MIL praised the DIL for odd things, every now and then,showing her she admired her thus helping to bridge the gulf that so often seems to be the case.

family politics is shit really

It's nice to have a chin wag and find out what's happening with the family and if they think your poking your nose in well that's says more about them than it does about you it's not as if your asking them to divulge their finances or their sex life is it, it's just everyday chit chat.

I have got used to finding out where they have been from facebook. It has its uses. I used to feel very shut out at the lack of communication but now I think - "your loss" and get on with my own life.

Could your DIL be reluctant to tell you what plans she has as she hasn't discussed them with your son at time of asking?

This is a tough one. In some families these sort of questions are just general chit chat - in other families they are very loaded questions and a hint that if your plans are not deemed "important" enough that you should be spending them doing what the questioner wants you to do.
My own now departed MIL was very demanding in this way when DH and I were first married she expected us to spend all of our evenings and weekends with her despite us living 30 miles away and used to check on what we were doing all the time. We tried to do a lot for her with daily phone calls, twice weekly visits, doing all her shopping and washing (she refused to have a washing machine so someone would do it for her). I used to dread this question and the inevitable "checking up" afterwards

If you get the impression that she doesn't like being asked, then the chances are she doesn't, so don't ask. Perhaps she has nothing in particular planned and doesn't want to say so just in case you suggest something. I quiet enjoy an occasional day to myself just pottering about and doing very little. You could just ask "how are things with you?"

Sometimes people ask you direct questions that you don't want to share the answer too. About what you are doing, money matters, etc. How do you politely say mind your own business or duck the question.
I have a friend who I like a lot but she shares all her business with me and sometimes she asks me a question and I don't want her to know the answer. Difficult.
I think you are just making conversation but maybe about things your DiL doesn't want to share for some reason.

My H and I often discuss our plans for the day- its much easier if we can coordinate things eg meals cars etc. Im amazed some people find it intrusive! My son phones every week and asks what weve been doing and tells us what they've been up to. I thought that was just normal - showing an interest!

We always know what each other is up to, as well as having a communal calendar and I know I am being irrational when my hackles rise when DH asks each morning 'What are your plans for the day?'

It is not the question but the language that makes any inconsequential task I mention I am thinking of doing into something cast in stone, to possibly be played back later as 'We can't go to somewhere else until you have done the gardening you were planning to do'. Turning an inconsequential task that can be dropped or delayed into a projecct with a fixed timetable.

Have I spoken to him about it? Yes I have, it works for a day or two but he then falls back into old habits. It is a problem of such minor significance I just shrug. I am sure I have sayings and words I use that have the same effect on him. The best way to ruin a good relationship is to constantly take people to task on trifling irritations.

I don't think your being nosey,just making conversation.Some people are so bleddy touchy and temperamental,you have to take your words out and look at them before you speak.Dont ask her in future.Do we really need all the bleddy hassle.I turn myself inside out sometimes to please,but still end up doing something wrong.Like someone else said,is there a bleddy manual.

I don't think it's basically nosey to ask about weekend plans and such, OP. But neither do I think that helping out with GC and so on "entitles" you to any information other than what you need to know when you're watching them or any answers to questions that DIL, unfortunately, is uncomfortable with.

Like PPs, I agree that you should take the (joking) hint and stop asking DIL these questions. But I don't believe you should shut down altogether, if that's what you're thinking. Perhaps you two have a mutual interest you could bring up? Or maybe you can share your opinion of a new movie and see if she replies? Also, the idea of just telling her your own plans and seeing where that goes sounds good, as some PPs said. There are plenty of other ways to make conversation without asking questions though, I know, questions are an easy way to begin.

But I don't think a lot of conversation is necessary every time one is with someone. And could it be that DIL is a little shy or introverted? If DS is there, perhaps, it would be more comfortable if you directed more of your conversation towards him and then let DIL join in where and when she wants.... Just some thoughts...

"If you don't ask you're not showing interest and if you do ask it's non of your business."

True with some people, Grannyben. But the OP's DIL has made it fairly clear that she's uncomfortable with these questions. So I think it's obvious that the OP needs to stop asking them of her and either let it go or ask DS (if possible).