What can I do to get my husband to turn the heating on?

Excellent news, dollyjo! Keep it up. You know you have our moral support. Here's to the brave new you! ?⚡️??

This morning my neighbour came round and in front of him I asked if she had her heating on last night. She said she had had it in every night because it is on a thermastatic control and cuts in when it is cold. He said to her the reason I was cold was because of the way I dressed. RUBBISH
When she had gone, I told him I am going to ask everyone I see if they have got their heating on and explain that John won't have ours on.
Surprise, surprise he has put it on tonight. Let's see how long this lasts. I have bought a fan heater today and I can pick it up tomorrow.
You ask how does he barrackade the boiler. It is in the garage and he puts heavy objects in front of it like the freezer with things piled on it that I can't move them.
I have told him that I have saught advice on a website and for health reasons I should be warm. I didn't tell him which one and I think he thinks it is a diabetic one.
I'm just hoping the actions I've taken has shocked him - prompted by you. Ask me in a week or a months time. I do think he has been bullying me but he is such a nice person and so well liked, I didn't think anyone else would think it was serious.
Thanks for giving me the confidence to challenge him.

I am worried about the controls being " barrackaded", and the talk about " begging" him to put the heating on.
If he feels he has to save on the 'leccy, then " no cook " meals could be the way forward, but I'd be inclined to point out that we're both equal partners.
Either that or shoot him.

This is domestic abuse, he is a bully and the only way to treat a bully is to stand up to him. Have you got a spare bed and room if so move in there with an electric blanket and call it your room! TV, etc. Also withdraw all services, Having also been ill with cancer and other medical conditions I also need warmth and I can relate to your problem. Please, please, let everyone know, medical people, family how he treats you and shame him. Good luck

This is physical and mental abuse! I suggest that you speak to your doctor or any other health professional and get their advice. I too suffer from cramps etc when I get cold as I have arhtritis and rheumatism and it has taken some time for me to persuade my hubby (a yorkshireman) to leave the heating on at a certain temp. It took me losing my temper and getting very distressed one day threatening to leave him as he wouldnt recognise why I needed it set higher but he does now. Please please get help, even the police if necessary, if you are unable to persuade him yourself. xxx

I think the only way to 'change' this husband is to ignore the control freakery. *

dollyjo I would recommend your buying an oil filled radiator and have it right next to you so that you get the radiant heat from it, as well as it heating the room. I find the only way to get my legs warm on chilly evenings,, from the knees down, even with the heating on, is to have direct heat on them. A blanket just doesn't do the trick. You could buy it online if you can't get about easily.

And just tell your DH to oompah off.

Only on Gransnet! Someone asks a question and they get, practical advice, jokey advice, benefits advice, marriage guidance, medical information, counselling, outrage, sympathy and finally suggestions of trollery.

It's not fair to assume that everyone has the money to follow the advice given and to get out of a situation like this.

Well if the OP's hubby is as awkward as he seems about the heating it might well be that that the OP does not have an independent source of money.

Cold hands? Get a nice pair of sheepskin mitts and tell him you can't possibly cook wearing those.

Mine are just starting their halfterm. I think there must be many grandchildren at home today around the country.

Has the OP been back?

My GC are on INSET today.

My husband is the same but I don't stand for it. I have Diabetes and take a daily aspirin which thins the blood. I have told him quite bluntly that I will NOT be cold, that I paid half the mortgage when we had one and I am not the Lodger.
As for making the controls inaccessible - words fail me.

Dear Dollyjo, DH and I have Teddy-Bear throws from Dunelm £9.99. We wrap up in them in the evening to watch the telly. I have two - a cream one over my legs and a blackcurrant one around my shoulders. I am so warm wrapped up in them - they are better than an electric blanket! I call it my nest

I agree with everyone else – this is unreasonable. Even if money is a problem. I really sympathise.

Is your husband controlling about other things? Is there a pattern of him disrespecting you and disregarding your feelings? If so, there might not be much chance of him changing his mind about the heating, IMO.

If he is just very concerned about money, asking health professionals and maybe others to write/talk to him, plus withdrawing your work in the house, might have an effect. ATM he doesn't seem to want to negotiate. Maybe he needs a motive.

In the short term book a flight to somewhere very warm and stay for as long as possible. In the long term ask yourself if you want to spend the rest of your life in a controlling relationship. You may have got used to it but this is not the behaviour of someone who cares about you.

I am saddened by this situation, not by your husband's behaviour, but by your acceptance of it. Just what would he do if you turned the heating on? Hit you? Walk out? If you have family or friends nearby ask them to show you how the heating works,maybe tell them that it seems to be a problem for your husband to know how to turn it on. Do you have visitors? How do they feel in your chilly home? This is mental and physical abuse, he has no business to use your heating allowance on other than heating the home. In my book, if you love someone you want them to be happy and healthy and you are obviously neither. Get in someone or a heating engineer to sort out the heating controls, buy an oil filled radiator and electric blanket and make yourself comfortable in your bedroom; short term measures, but seriously,how can he be a kind man if he allows you to beg to put the heating on and then refuses? This is cruel and rather creepy and he is a bully. If this was your daughter being treated like this by her partner, how would you feel? Would you excuse him as a kind man apart from this quirk or would you be worried that your daughter was living with a cruel manipulative man? Think on, you have only one life and to be brutal it will be shorter than it should be if you are diabetic and living in a cold house.

I feel very sorry for you. You have obviously been mRried to a control freak all of your married life and never stood up to him. I think you should definitely get a heating engineer to unbarricade the heating controls or better still obtain a letter from your doctor or consultant explaining that you need to be live in a warm house due to the fact that you feel the cold more than other people.

I think your husband is very controlling and obviously does not consider your feelings at all. He does not sound like a nice person at all.

I am so sorry to hear of your predicament Dollyjo.

The thing that struck me is that you are not 'allowed' to put the heating on and he has effectively blocked you from doing so despite your obvious need and ill health.

You're a grown woman. There is no one on gods green earth that has the right to tell you what to do , in my opinion. You are quite old enough to decide what you need and want and to be frank to get it.

If you tell him you NEED to be warmer , and he doesn't 'allow' you then you really must take matters into your own hands. What will be the repercussions if you do that? And what will be the repercussions on your health if you don't?

My husband may not always agree with my choices but after 40 years he knows better than to try and allow/ permit me to do anything !!

I'm going to be blunt and say - get your big girl panties on because this man won't change unless you take matters into your own hands I fear !!

This is indeed abuse under the law, which has recently changed. I can't see this ending well for dollyjo or her horrible husband.If dolly had been able, over the last 30 years, to do any of the things suggested she wouldn't be in this position now.

She has been very brave in writing to Gransnet and telling him. She may be able to build on this. At root, all bullying men (and women) are cowards.

I wish you all the best, dollyjo, with all my heart.

Sounds like a classic example of the Stockholm syndrome, which is a psychological phenomenon described in 1973 in which the hostage (wife?) expresses empathy and sympathy and even love for their captor (husband?), sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with them.

You should tell your doctor; it's disgraceful. Could you tell your husband that you will pay for the heating? I don't think you should have to though. It's difficult to stop doing the chores you do for him........I couldn't stop either with my lazy partner......I'd feel too guilty. It's our upbringing!

I agree with Synonymous you may not be able to change his behaviours but you can change your own. If you find you are unable to make a stand against this on your own then you should seek to involve outside help and as others have suggested, involve you GP or another health professional.

Xposting with GandT

Take your point but I have never known anyone able to change their husband. He is what he is and after 30 years it is difficult to think he might change. Or is this a recent change in his behaviour which would indicate illness of some kind?

My X husband (Notice the X), would never allow the central heating to go on until December, how ever cold it got. I had to laugh when we had a particularly cold spell in November when the boiler froze and it cost loads to repair. OH, and he also took the fuse out of the emersion heater so that we couldn't have more than one bath a week ..... :-(

All of the above dollyjo and do whatever it takes as soon as possible. It sounds quite possible that this is not the only thing he is controlling but only the most noticeable to you since you have inevitably grown accustomed over the years.
Make an appointment with your doctor and meanwhile start thinking about your life and whether you do things that you would love to do or is 'himself' the only one able to go out for 5 hours? Do you have access to cash, cheque book and credit card? Do you eat things which you enjoy or is it his choice? Do you buy your own clothes, shoes etc?
As for heating, that is absolutely an essential for wellness and you must have what you need. A heating engineer would make short work of any control system and you could have one which you would find easy to operate so I wouldn't bother with a hammer just get a professional in asap.