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What can I do to get my husband to turn the heating on?

(108 Posts)
dollyjo Thu 26-May-16 20:50:51

I've been married to my husband for over 30yrs. He is very easy to live with ...except for one thing. He will not have the heating on and insists we don't need it and I am making fuss about nothing.
I am insulin dependent, I recently had a knee replacement and I have had cancer in the past.
I am so cold that I get cramp in my hands and feet and he tells me to put my coat on.
Don't suggest I should leave him - it's too late for that.
I just want to know if anyone else has got their spouse to change their ways.
Don't suggest, I should just turn the heating on myself because I can't, he has barrackaded the controls on the boiler so that I can't get to them.
He went out 5 hours ago and so I can't even beg him to put the heating on.

thatbags Thu 26-May-16 20:56:01

He sounds like a control freak. Difficult. What about calling a boiler man to come while dear hubby is out and unbarrackade the controls for you? You clearly need an unusual solution. Good luck.

Buy a small electric heater and heat one room just for you.

Marelli Thu 26-May-16 21:00:17

Don't do anything for him, then, dollyjo. If you can't leave him, for whatever reason, then withdraw your 'housewifely' services.

jinglbellsfrocks Thu 26-May-16 21:00:31


That is so bad! Are you of an age to get heating allowance? He can't stop you using that. hmm

Do what Bags said. Get a man in to un-barricade the controls.

Indinana Thu 26-May-16 21:01:41

What a very selfish man. I can't offer a solution I'm afraid, other than thatbags' suggestion of a heater for one room. Though I suspect he won't let you plug it in, if it's cost that drives his refusal to put the heating on.
Good luck.

Indinana Thu 26-May-16 21:03:52

And yes, definitely withdraw any services - cook only for yourself, just do your washing, not his, and so on.

Elegran Thu 26-May-16 21:08:39

That is two good ideas from thatbags, but until you get round to them, then perhaps put on a couple of jumpers, a coat, hat, scarf, thick socks and gloves and fill a hot-water bottle, then sit in front of him shivering.

Tell him that you are not being a wimp, you are bloody ILL with more than one problem. I'd say he needs to be educated about just how cold can affect people - not him, obviously, he feels warm enough.

Decreased tolerance to cold is one of the symptoms of diabetes. Tell him this too. Maybe he doesn't know anything about diabetes and thinks it is all sorted out because you have the insulin? Your cancer treatment may have affected your sensitivity to cold as well.

GrandmaMoira Thu 26-May-16 21:14:48

Being cold can cause health problems, putting you at higher risk of heart and lung problems. Perhaps you could remind your husband of this. Does he want to risk you being ill? An unheated house is at risk of damp and mould as well. Is he just trying to save money or is he never cold? Most men seem to feel the cold less than women but most accept the heat being on when they are not cold. Can you not get him to compromise?

Deedaa Thu 26-May-16 21:38:38

I don't know about being easy to live with, he sounds impossible to me. I would retire to bed and refuse to do anything. Of course you need to be warm, this is why pensioners get a heating allowance.

Cherrytree59 Thu 26-May-16 21:41:07

Dollyjo Speak to your Doctor or District Nurse about your situation at home and ask them to explain to husband, your needs regarding your condition including keeping warm.

Do you have a family member or friend who can explain in No uncertain terms that you need to keep warm due to illness/ condition.

Do you have a spare room that you could have as a bed sit with your TV, books etc. This you could keep warm with a small heater.

Good luckflowers

merlotgran Thu 26-May-16 21:48:41

When he goes out for five hours, would that be to a nice warm pub?

Don't beg.....Get even with him. There must be something you can do that will hit him below the belt. (not literally although I think I would!)

Luckygirl Thu 26-May-16 21:49:48

Go on strike - no cooking, no washing - until he sees reason. "He's very easy to live with" - no he isn't!!! Please don't knuckle under to this - it is wholly unreasonable. flowers

merlotgran Thu 26-May-16 21:51:18

Hopefully the summer will be warm enough for you not to be too cold but you really must get something sorted out before next winter or your health will really suffer.

DH feels the cold because he's on warfarin so I'm getting used to having to have a heater on even when it's quite warm.

Ana Thu 26-May-16 22:04:49

He needs a good talking-to by your GP or a Health Visitor - what he's doing is very wrong!

Lyndylou Thu 26-May-16 22:40:05

I just would not stand for this. The moment he walked out the door I would have had someone round to sort out the controls on the heating. It's your house too. In fact I would probably lock him out until he was very cold and make him promise never to do it again before I let him in, but then I'm quite bolshie feisty.

Newquay Thu 26-May-16 22:50:07

I'm afraid I wouldn't tolerate this at all. Presumably it's your joint home? Do you receive the heating allowance? That's what it's for for goodness sake!
I would get a chap round to sort out the controls for me, failing that I would do as others have suggested and make one room-do you have a spare?-into my own little cosy den both to sit and sleep in too. And I'm not sure I would let him in either!

grannyactivist Thu 26-May-16 22:52:29

Seriously I think there is a real health issue here. My advice would be to buy a small heater and/or go out to the library every day (or somewhere you can be warm) and tell your husband that it's too cold for you to stay at home without adequate warmth.

SueDonim Thu 26-May-16 23:58:35

That's shocking and in my opinion it is abusive behaviour. He is being controlling of you, for whatever reason, and new laws have been introduced to combat that. Someone needs to have a word in his shell-like.

In the meantime, get yourself a small fan heater, or a heated throw or an electric blanket that you can retire to bed with. Or put your oven on full blast. Is your hot water still on? If so, have lots of nice warm baths. He might see the error of his ways then.

Eloethan Fri 27-May-16 00:39:08

That is terrible. How miserable it must be feeling so cold. Who on earth wants to wear their coat round the house! I think SueD is right, it is tantamount to psychologically abusive behaviour and there are new laws now relating to this.

I also agree re the fan heater/electric blanket/hot bath approach.

I do, though, think it is intolerable that you are being treated in such a way. He is most certainly not a "reasonable" man but a very selfish and bullying one. Is there anybody in the family that can talk to him, especially with regard to your past and current health issues?

FarNorth Fri 27-May-16 01:01:34

Has your husband always had this attitude? Does he allow reasonable heating in winter?
Do not put up with this. Get an electric heater for yourself and ask medical professionals to help you, as others have suggested.

rubylady Fri 27-May-16 01:37:07

It certainly doesn't sound to me like love. He would want your welfare to be looked after if he really loved you, not have you freezing while he was out for 5 hours. Not have you freezing at all. Personally I would either change the locks on him while he was out or leave him, no matter how long I had been married. Life is too precious to be put in this intolerable situation. I don't live like that and I am single, in social housing and on benefits and my heating is on when I want it to be. Please re think your living conditions, for your own welfare.

dollyjo Fri 27-May-16 06:46:29

Many thanks for all of your suggestions but mos of all your concern. I have tried many of them and he just laughs.
I do get a heating allowance but he as that as he pays the bills.

We have got an attractive looking fire in the living room but it only looks nice, it doesn't heat the room. When he came in last night (He'd been visiting his brother - he doesn't go to pubs) I told him I had put it on here. I think that shocked him and he told me I should put the fire on if I am cold. So I am going to buy a fan heater - as suggested and put that on.
I think I will call it, 'round 62'because I have tried so many ways to get him to understand.
The funniest was sitting with my coat, dressing gown, scarf, bedsocks and deer stalker hat on to watch TV and he didn't even comment.

absent Fri 27-May-16 06:55:26

How can someone barricade boiler controls? I have owned a number of houses with a number of different boiler controls – none of them could be "barricaded". Perhaps he just isn't telling the truth. If so, go and stay in a hotel that is cosy until the weather is warmer.

whitewave Fri 27-May-16 06:59:45

You need something more substantial than a fan heater if that is all you have for heating. There are some very good room heaters that can be mounted on the wall and act like a radiator.

Personally I would demand that I have control over half the household income and use it for keeping warm and feeding myself.
My temper would not make life easy for him I am afraid.

FarNorth Fri 27-May-16 07:44:57

He laughs? He must be either abusive or deranged!
I suggest you show him the responses on here, or at least tell him what they say, and that absolutely nobody thinks he is in the right on this.