What can I do to get my husband to turn the heating on?

I don't think we are helping Dollyjo. She has said she does not wish to leave him, so probably loves him. Being told that he is cruel and acting illegally etc, is not what she asked or helping. Dollyjo wants advice on how to change him. It is difficult, but . as she asked, if anyone else has been in a similar position, how did they change there partner.

It is really ridiculous of him! I absolutely agree with everyone that using a fan heater to keep you warm is the best solution, with some sort of electric blanket on your side of the bed.

Hopefully he will come to realise this could actually cost him more than running the central heating in the rooms you use. 65 degrees is actually not very warm, but if the thermostat is set to your normal winter temperature it will only come on when you need it anyway.

I don't have any suggestions, but I do feel for you and I actually was thinking about you when I went to bed last night.

Please let us all know how you get on.

He is either a miser or a bully.
Cold homes cause illness,and as you get a heating allowance that indicates that you are over 60.
NHS guidelines suggest anyone over 60 with an illness should heat a room in winter to 65 degrees.
I agree with others that you should seek support from your GP.
I would also be tempted to let him read our opinions of him.

I think this is cruel. I also have diabetes and have lost weight so I'm 7st5lb and really feel the cold. You can't function if you're cold. Let alone the constant resentment of your partner. Do sort it. I like the idea of heating your private space. He is too controlling. Perhaps he's scared of something?

Just to echo Linsco56, and agree... I showed this post to my partner and he was as shocked as I.

You have to take a stance on this and deal with him or he will be like this forever.

It's only one life dollyjo x

If he loved you he wouldn't let you suffer like this. Do as others have suggested and withdraw all services you provide. Buy an electric blanket and a portable electric heater and move it around the house with you. If he doesn't like it then that's just too bad. You could stop using the oven and hob and tell him you are doing this to offset the cost of the electric heater. Do not let him control you, selfish, selfish man. You need to be strong for as long as it takes him to understand the situation is intolerable and you are NOT going to tolerate it any longer. Even my DH said "this guy needs a kick up the backside." Good luck.

dollyjo I want to give you a hug and then a good talking to.

When it is cold and you are cold, and he won't allow the heating on make your breakfast/lunch/dinner/tea and leave him out.

Wash your clothes but not his.

Move out of the bedroom (if you share) and take another room. Buy an electric blanket and install it on your bed without telling him.
In short, stop doing anything for him pronto.

If you have children get them involved.

This sounds like cruelty to me

I think a portable oil-fired radiator would be more effective and cheaper to run than a fan heater, Ours heats our large sitting room to a toasty warmth very quickly and costs very little to run.

Your husband is, knowledge aforethought, abusing you. He is controlling and bullying you and you need to do something about it now. It will be hard because if you ignore him laughing at you he will take it to the next level.

You need to inform others of your intentions so he cannot isloate you and bully you futher. Start with outside agencies like your doctor and get an assessment which shows you need to keep warm. If he listens to his brother and family tell them and enlist their support. If they won't help then up the ante and try medical help, social services and, finally, law and police.

If the man is appropriating money meant for you to be warm he is breaching all kinds of social and legal rules. If this behaviour has escalated over thiry years he will be fairly confident he can scare you into submission so you cannot overturn this without outside help.

Have a plan. Execute it stage by stage. Remain calm, insistent, reasonable and do not give way.

I have the heat off in the winter to save money as my husband is out working to earn money for us. However, that is entirely my own choice. My man is a bit of a controller too but I let him know when he is doing it, I argue and negotiate and I have let him know that if he tries to bully me I will leave him. Men like to have their own way but too much appeasement is very bad for them.

The temperature in next door's house never goes higher than 17°C. She's got used to it. They only put the boiler on 1 hour a day for the hot water. Now Peter is dead,, Anne still doesn't put it on.

Change your name to Lysistrata! Then behave accordingly

Surely it would be better living alone, maybe in a studio flat which at least was warm than with this control freak? This is not acceptable behaviour- has he been like this all of his life or is this recent?

When I was married and it was cold, the heating was on downstairs for my benefit but my ex retired upstairs where he could sit with shirt and trousers on and the heating turned off in that room, unlike me who was wrapped up as well as having the heating on. He should give some thought for you as well as your recent serious illnesses. Move out.

The first thing I'd do with the electric heater would be to knock him out with it. Then strip him naked drag him into the garden, tie him up and put the garden hose on. Then he might understand what cold is.

This is abuse and totally unacceptable. Laughing at your being cold!! What a jerk.

When I was ill my DH would build up the log burner and while I was almost sitting on top of it he would be sitting as far away as possible wearing just a T shirt and shorts because he was so hot - but he put my health before his own comfort.

Do show him the replies on here and if he doesn't change tell everyone you meet how he locks away the heating controls and makes you wear a coat indoors and if that fails - LEAVE HIM!

i have electric blanket on the couch and hot packs if cold and sitting i do,t have heating on dislike it but my daughter always wants it on when visiting

Just reread your post OP
I cannot imagine begging a partner of 30 years for anything.I suspect the issue here is much deeper than his refusal to turn the heating on .
Do you have adult children who could make him see sense ?

dollyjo,I am truly shocked that you are living like this.Surely you have had nurses or health visitors call who must have noticed the situation?
I would urge you to decamp to a bedroom with a heater,TV and kettle in the short term.
In the long term,this seriously needs to be sorted out.You must get family and friends on side,then bring in a support or social worker to help you to get access to heating as you need it.
If all else fails,I would consider leaving him.It's never too late.

That's shocking Dollyjo. I'm pretty sure a fan heater is a very expensive way to heat a room, though. They may look little but they use a lot of energy.

Why is it too late to leave him? I know loads of people who have separated in later years. He is a nasty person...you do not need him. What he is doing is tantamount to physical abuse as it is affecting you physically. Do as is suggested. Shop, cook and wash only for yourself. Do you have a relative/child you could stay with? I am sure you pay for things in the house as well as him. What gives him the right to do as he is doing? Oh and get a hammer and break the barricade down...please refrain from hitting him with it though.

You need to make him understand how this makes you feel never mind putting a coat on I'd go to bed and make him wait on you until the heating was on and you felt comfortable enough to get up .

I am interested to hear how he has barricaded the heating controls too. Can you give us more details of how he has managed this?

I agree men often don't feel the cold so much but this behaviour is beyond belief.
Are you actually short of money or is it just a 'thing'of his?
My DH spends most of his time in his study which faces SW and gets a lot of sun so can be warm even when the rest of the house is cool .We have a standing joke about not putting the heating on til. 3pm I bought him a down gilet and a pair of those slippers lined with sheepskin that go to the knee (he looks like a gnome but they are quite effective )to assist with this ....I am often out or busy round the house/garden but if I am cold I put the heating on .He might say 'are you cold'(well yes ,that's why I've put the heating on) but wouldn't dream of objecting ...
I'm afraid I'd find it deeply hurtful and would have to have it out with him .Are you frightened of him? What would he do it you said you were going to involve your doctor and family members?

carerof123 Coercive controlling behaviour is now against the law - that's why I mentioned it. The very fact that he does not allow dollyjo to have her money - or at least use it for her own comfort - could be seen as controlling under the act.

dollyjo I should let him read our replies but do hope you will mention this to your doctor. One other thing is are you finding money very tight? If so he really should be looking at any benefits that you (both or either) may be entitled to.

Stansgran if you were to renew your heating it would most likely cost a lot less to run - boilers are now are far more efficient. Our boiler was only about eight years old in a house we sold and we needed to put in a new system in the house we bought - we found that one far more efficient and the boiler itself was smaller etc.