Being Kept in the Dark

It's a difficult one - so much depends on the natures of all concerned. I kept a lot from my parents.
Another point is that in the "old days" it wasn't possible to have the immediate contact we can have now.
We didn't have a telephone until we'd been married a couple of years. And then used it rarely, no free calls then. And certainly no internet.

Difficult situation, as new relationships take time to develop and grow. Yet very understandable that you love and care deeply for your daughter. Her partner ideally should be a welcome addition to the family. But given that his life experience/s may be very different, it takes time to get to know one another. Whether that be preferences, personality, coping mechanisms or other aspects.

Maybe they need time with you to become aware of your nature etc. Hopefully in time you will all develop a Respectful, Supportive and Interacive Bond.

Both my husband and I had operations when we were in our forties and neither time did we tell m in law until afterwards and all was well as she was such a worrier. Therefore if my children don't tell me about similar things I would understand despite not being a worrier. However, daughter wanted to tell you and son in law persuaded her not to tell your it would come over as a control issue. (Perhaps I have been listening to the Archers too much!)

Just have a chat with your daughter's partner, make sure your daughter is there. Tell him how you feel and that you are not about to panic over everything. Honest, open chat, is the best, hiding feelings is terrible. He will respect you for being open, just make sure it is done quietly without rancour.

Next of kin is whoever the patient has stated it to be.

Hard though it is, when a grown up son or daughter are living with a partner, the role of a parent changes. I think you are wise to be willing to step back and leave it, but agree that it would do no harm to make it known that you are still there for your daughter if needed. It is possible that your daughter's partner feels that it is his responsibility now, and one which is only too happy to fulfill. Perhaps he is afraid that he would look weak if he included you, or maybe it doesn't occur to him to do so because of the way his own mother is.
Personally, as a divorced parent of two boys, and a chronic silent (as in I tried not to show it!) worrier, it was such a relief when they left home to live with a partner or spouse. No more sleepless night if they were out in the car, waiting to hear them come in etc, it was nice to know that in the event of an emergency someone else, who loved and cared for them every bit as much as I did, would be the one to get the phone call. Of course it is not that straightforward, and when I have sensed problems with them I still worry, but it is the way of the world that parents be supplanted by a partner. When I was younger, still married, and my parents were alive, I am not sure that I would have wanted to share all my worries with my mum even though we had a very close bond, mostly because I would not have wanted to worry her. To me she became not so much a mother type figure, but more of a close and beloved friend on equal terms.

The only thing is, if your daughter is not actually married, I am not sure who, legally, would be the next of kin, who may need to give permission for certain forms of treatment etc, this might be an issue to be considered and perhaps discuss with them both.

I'm 100% behind nonnie1,I've had experience of someone with the views of your SIL and they weren't for a healthy relationship.What gives him the right to stop you being there for your daughter in times of need. I would be most upset if this was my SIL, what else is he keeping from you.Be nice for you and your daughter to have some time together.

Bit of a control issue I think it should be up to your daughter if she wants you to know I would make this clear to your daughter maybe a chat when he isn't there might bring other issues to light.

A couple of years ago I was taken ill on a cruise. It was fairly serious but not immediately life-threatening. We did not tell our daughters until we were coming home early from our final port, having planned a short stay there. They were both glad that we hadn't told them until they needed to know, as they could do absolutely nothing except worry. Obviously, we would have told them sooner had the situation worsened.

I took a step back and 'let it be'. This is one of my biggest regrets.

Yes as a married couple there are sure to be instances that crop up that are private and sometimes difficult to share with parents. Not hospital stays though.
Although having said that when I had my hysterectomy and told my parents who lived 200 miles away in advance and the reason for it (fybroid) I was told afterwards that if I had to have any hospital treatment etc in future, my mother didnt want to know as she couldnt deal with it. So...from the childs point of view one cannot win !!

I think that it depends whether the incident involved your dd or sil. If it was the latter then he may have made the decision for personal reasons.
I think that I am learning to accept that I cannot be involved in all of the decisions that my grown up children make. I find it very hard as they are my life but I have to accept that I am not theirs!
They have personal issues that are none of my business and I have to leave it to their discretion whether I am involved or not. I think that you are making the right decision to leave things be and not jeopardise the close relationship that you have by overstepping the mark in their private lives.

Depends how serious it is-my Mum was a panicker (half an hour late visiting her and she was up the wall) so I got into the habit of telling her after the event. If it was really serious I'd tell her though.

It's so hard, like Anya We had a stroke incident. My DF had an unexpected stroke while we (my DH and DD) were on the plane to Aus. to visit my otherDD for 3and a half week hol. I wasn't informed until the next week when he had just died. He was insistent that I wasn't. My DM didn't want to tell me then but my sisters overruled her and we returned to the UK leaving my daughters behind.
My DH and I got back in time for me to say my goodbyes to dad before his funeral.
I don't think that I would have been happy to miss the community grieving that involved us all comforting each other, crying and laughing together.
My sisters had all had time off before the funeral. I had 2 weeks to stay with mum and start sorting out all those horrible things that one has to sort.
So I needed to know but My DD's didn't need to return, I did.

You could always just suggest to your daughter that if it were anything life-threatening which went the wrong way, it would be a hell of a shock whereas a little info would at least give you the chance to assimilate things. You could point out you would be happy to give them some space if that is what they want but you could also be helpful doing a bit of running around to allow your daughter's boyfriend to be by your daughter's side instead of worrying about day to day things.

similar situation to Anyas..On getting back from holiday I rang my mum to let her know I was back and couldnt get an answer so I rang my brother and he said 'mum was in hospital and there wasnt any need for him to contact me and he didnt want to spoil my holiday' yes I was a bit niggled but saying that if my brother was on holiday I would have done exactly the same...

There are times when we have to make decision which aren't easy. When my son and his wife were away on a much needed and looked-forward-to holiday, my FiL (his grandfather) had a stroke. The doctors said he wouldn't make it and sure enough he died within 48 hours without regaining consciousness.

We made the decision not to recall my son and DiL from holiday as there was nothing they could do. I'm not sure that it was the correct decision, I'm not even sure any decision would have been the right one but that was our call at the time.

We operated on a 'need to know' basis with both my mother and mother-in-law .
DMiL would have worried herself silly and my DM would have made judgemental remarks.
It sounds as though you have a good relationship with your DD UnhappyBunny so just enjoy your time with her.

Thanks for all the thoughts on this. I think I will take a step back and 'let it be'. I'm hoping to spend a few days with her this summer and will enjoy the time we have together and not dwell on it any more. ?

I think the partner's mother's personality has a lot to do with it. He wants to avoid her getting 'hysterical' and so keeps information to himself.
Also, I agree with the last two posts that adults take responsibility for themselves and don't necessarily share information at the time something is happening.
If you feel upset, though, do have a calm chat with them to explain your point of view and to hear theirs.

As adults we often want to be responsible for ourselves and also not to worry others, including our parents. This could be the basis for the actions, or inactions. There's a balance to hold between independent adult behaviour and appropriate sharing with close family that can be seen differently by everyone involved. I think the suggestion of a straightforward chat at a not stressed time is excellent if you can manage it unhappy. It might be worth asking if your daughter would like to be told if you were ill or in major difficulty as a way of clarifying their feelings. Of course if it would help say something along the lines of that as a Mum you respect their adult status but as its in your job description to care and worry you would be less worried if you knew you would be kept in the picture concerning major problems. I have had a number of experiences now of being told of illnesses after the event, sometimes it is simply that it was not seen as a major illness, at others the focus on coping took priority for a while. I try to think that it isn't a criticism of me and my coping ability but rather an indication of how I have helped the younger ones learn to cope. I hope you can feel less hurt soon.

Thinking back to when I was hospitalised when I was married, my ex nor me at times told our parents. And the situations were very serious. We just tried to get through what we were going through, it wasn't done to hurt anyone, we were too busy concentrating on finding out what was wrong and getting better. Maybe have a word with them though if you want it to be different. You can only voice your opinion and then it is up to them. But maybe learn too, that she is now a married woman and he comes first with her and she comes first with him. We have to learn to take a step back and let them lead their lives as married people. It's a harsh one but one we have to learn. Good luck with whatever you do, it's not easy.

I had something similar a few years ago. My daughter had a serious accident whilst on holiday with her husband and small daughter. They said they didn't tell me as I would have panicked! I am her mother, of course I would have panicked. At the time she was always in regular contact with me and when I didn't hear from them for a few days I was more panicked at the thought of what might be happening - all sorts of thoughts were going through my mind. I try to think they did it with good intentions, although I was a bit hurt at the time.

It's really hard to know what is happening without knowing the people concerned. I would treat it at face value and have a chat with them in a non confrontational way. If his own mother has difficulty dealing with things this is the only experience he has to draw on. Explain you are more worried finding out later there have been problems and you are able to deal with issues as they crop up.

I don't feel it's a control issue though it's difficult to say that without knowing the people concerned. It sounds as though he doesn't want to worry you unnecessarily and just wants to deal with things until they get better and then tell you. I think I would probably want to tell them both how you would in fact prefer to be told, much as you appreciate their trying to spare you the worry. We're all different. You know him, we don't, and perhaps he's just genuinely doing what he feels is right. If it were me I would want to know though my SIL is very thoughtful and might wait until he knew more before involving me. So hard to know when we don't know the people concerned.