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Feeling as if none of the family really care

(66 Posts)
daphne907 Tue 21-Jun-16 22:44:56

Perhaps this is not the case, but recently it seems as if none of our family have any interest in us at all.
Partner and I have 2 children each from previous marriage.
His son has ostracised him, daughter cares but not really very good about keeping in touch.
My side, son and daughter in law totally wrapped up in their own world.
Daughter will never ring unless she knows one of us is ill, and certainly would never suggest coming to visit us, so we always have to go there.
Even the 2 youngest grandchildren cannot even acknowledge me when I go to pick them up from school - unable to even say hello.
Now i know life is busy for the young ones, but we are really feeling down about this - sometimes wonder what is the point of being here.
My partner is putting on a brave face, but i know he is feeling it deeply.
I cannot bury my feelings, so am very down at the mo.
Is this the future as well as the present?
Words of encouragement and virtual hugs welcome.sad

phoenix Tue 21-Jun-16 22:47:49

Virtual hugs sent, but how very rude of the grandchildren not to even speak to you!

marmar01 Tue 21-Jun-16 22:53:31

i think you both need to take a long holiday if you can,enjoy Yourself's , find things to do together and let all children know you are not there just for them. lots of hugs xx

FarNorth Tue 21-Jun-16 22:58:12

Lots of virtual hugs to you and OH.
They sound a self-absorbed bunch. Might it be worth telling them how you feel?
When you meet the grandchildren, how about not moving from the spot until they say hello? Do give them a clue that's what you're waiting for, tho!

jinglbellsfrocks Tue 21-Jun-16 22:59:49

Hug from me too. I feel like that sometimes about my elder daughter. And the grandsons. Wrapped up in their own lives.

Mind you, I can't honestly say I care a lot. I'm fine anyway. hmm When they visit there's the shopping and the cooking to do. And the house to clean.

Nana3 Tue 21-Jun-16 23:37:59

Quality time, we don't always get it us grans. We are always there for them though. My lot come on Sundays for lunch ( not every week). DH and I spend ages preparing it, then they eat and run. Wouldn't change things though, at least they come.
Sorry you feel so down, hugs from me.

cornergran Tue 21-Jun-16 23:41:05

Virtual hugs on their way from me daphne and some flowers. It can seem that way with our family sometimes, ironically especially those living the closest. We can and do talk about it and that helps. Their lives are full to bursting and yes, we do get overlooked at times. We've had to work hard to find ways of contact that work for us all. Ok most of the time but sometimes definitely not. You aren't alone with the neglected feeling. We now refuse to let it take over. It's on with the smile, out to do something we enjoy and on with our lives. It is certainly worth working on the grandchildren, no need for rudeness, although the school pickup can be mayhem there's room for a greeting. Good luck with it all, hope you feel more cared for soon.

Jomarie Wed 22-Jun-16 01:08:40

[hugs] flowers winecupcake and anything else that makes you feel better. You are definitely not alone in feeling as you do. It's all a balancing act isn't it and sometimes the dice is loaded against you - but maybe taking some time out from pleasing these people (the four children etc.) is not a bad idea. Put yourselves first for a change and don't feel bad about it - after all we are only here for a short time relatively speaking (ironic or what) Anyway, I hope you get my drift. Supportive advice before my post so take heed. Maybe I'll do the same grin So much easier giving advice than taking it !!!

Luckylegs9 Wed 22-Jun-16 06:54:28

Make the most of the time with your partner whilst you have each other, I think you have to turn the situation to your advantage. You cannot change them, but you can alter your life with your partner. Don't worry about what you can't have, enjoy what you do,

Badenkate Wed 22-Jun-16 08:00:03

I'm sure your children and grandchildren do have very busy lives with pressures maybe you don't know about. We don't see ours very often - but as you said, if you need them they will be there. Now's your time for doing things you enjoy rather than having to consider everyone else. Reading posts on here generally, I do get the feeling that many of us appear needy - let's live our lives and not live through others.

Cath9 Wed 22-Jun-16 08:08:11

You are not alone, I know how you must be feeling, so a big hug from me.

Luckygirl Wed 22-Jun-16 08:08:12

Do not fret about the children saying little or nothing when you pick them up - parents and GPs are a huge embarrassment at the school gate!

I would try and develop your own lives and interests more so that the business of your family's lives does not loom so large. I do not think it is because they do not care, but because they are all so busy. TBH if I look back I cannot claim to have been all that good with my own parents when I was tied up in the bringing up of children. You may find that the busier your own life becomes the more they get in touch! Chin up! flowers

NanaandGrampy Wed 22-Jun-16 08:30:09

I think Luckygirl has a point ! The busier you get the more 'attractive' you look to family and friends.

I know how you feel because sometimes I think its all give ,give, give on our side and take, take, take on theirs. We are the first port of call for babysitting and help and support but they cant even send their father a card on Fathers day [smile} ( they both turned up a day late to spend time with him and brought cards but not the point !)

I think, they just don't think sometimes. But again I agree with Lucky I don't think I was any better with my parents. I think I probably took them for granted too.

Still, I feel for you and I'm sorry its made you so down x

J52 Wed 22-Jun-16 09:08:07

I agree with what other posters have said. I suspect a lot of us have felt this way, to some degree.

It is a balance between being ther, supportive and leading your own life. Difficult when we love and care for our families.

If you can manage it, I'd plan a longish holiday somewhere, send a postcard and let them be the ones to make further contact.

As for your GCs then their behaviour is just plain rudeness, to anyone who is picking them up, let alone their grandparents!

Hope you are feeling more upbeat, soon. flowers

jinglbellsfrocks Wed 22-Jun-16 09:17:17

I have never known parents or grandparents to be an embarrassment at the school gates! The children are being rude and should be corrected.

I wonder why the grandparents here are still doing the school collecting job at all. confused I don't think I would be under those circumstances.

Jennywren54 Wed 22-Jun-16 09:53:45

I have just started picking my granddaughter up 3 days a week from school and have mentioned this no greeting to my daughter and it did improve slightly however I think after reading some of the comments maybe talking directly to them may help things however I some times feel it may be a little petty as she is only eight and I am the adult, what does any one else think.

ninuksmith Wed 22-Jun-16 10:02:40

Big hugs coming your way! Maybe the children just need a bit of nudging and get their attentions. To my shame, it happened to me the other way around...when the children were still in Primary School, I used to take it for granted that my eldest daughter who were 16 to babysit everytime I accompanied my husband to a business dinner. Until one day she said to me "Mum, it so happened that I am not doing anything tonight but it would be good if you asked first". Well, that brought me back down to earth and realised that I also need to give her my respect of her need!
Hope you are feeling a bit uplifted and do communicate with your children...they might not realised how it is effected you. Don't do nothing!πŸŒ»πŸ’

Diddy1 Wed 22-Jun-16 10:15:56

Huge hugs, I know how you feel, sometimes we feel a bit "used" contact coming when something is needed, that is from my Daughter, who is always far too busy.
My Son, we SKYPE every evening, have a good chat, we see a lot more of each other, and as he is separated, I try to give him and his Sons as much support as they need. Things arent that bad really, so chin up Daphne 907, I hope things improve.

starbird Wed 22-Jun-16 10:21:13

Are you able to have conversations with the grandchildren or do they just not talk? Conversation is really an art. i have found that you can sit in a room and find it difficult to talk with someone, but go for a walk, or drive in the car, especially when it's dark, and you can pour out your inner secrets. I think on the internet you can find questions to use to start a conversation with people, eg with a child, rather than asking what happened at school today, (answer is usually nothing) you can ask what is the nicest thing that has happened to you today? (Or yesterday, or this week etc) you can share your nicest thing too, and move on to things like what would your favourite meal be or to get the imagination working, ask what animal they would like to be, and so on. When you get in the house is it straight onto tv or tablet or do you ever get to play silly games with them or put on some music and dance (including you!) or see who can stand on one leg the longest etc. It can be tiring being a fun grandma but better than being ignored.

Rosina Wed 22-Jun-16 10:36:04

These are sad feelings and I suspect we all have them; I often feel 'tolerated' and did get upset at one point when a series of events made me think that my daughter didn't care a jot for my feelings, and my slightly tearful look and muttered explanation before I went home prompted a card in which she said that I was the centre of her world. 'Trouble is I think we are like the wallpaper; we are always there, always have been, and they somehow imagine we always will be, and no doubt when we have dropped off our perches they will feel as I do about my own parents - I should have talked to them/seen them more when I could have done. I can't see anything wrong with expecting your grand children to say hello; this is simple good manners and if they are capable of speaking then they can greet you! Cheer up - It's likely your children would be surprised to learn how you feel...and perhaps it would do them no harm to do so? Anyway - you are far from alone! x

rosesarered Wed 22-Jun-16 10:46:58

Daphne I agree with everybody else, so in fact, it would seem that your problem is a common one, you are certainly not alone.
The best advice is to help 'when you can' [but make sure you are never always available] and enjoy your life with your partner.Living through your own children/grandchildren is always a mistake.The old adage 'familiarity breeds contempt' is a true one.
also, not sure how good I was with parents/grandparents myself,lots of times when I hardly thought of them at all, so maybe this is a natural thing.Of course, if they were ill or needed something that was different.

sweetcakes Wed 22-Jun-16 10:47:07

When are we going to stop making excuses for our children, oh their busy their stressed they have a lot on their plate well so did we, we spoiled them, we ran around after them and they still expect us to do it. I managed to visit mil as well as take little gifts to say thank for looking after DD while I worked. Let's face it they take us for granted I've two DILs that only come round when they want something never pop in for a coffee or chat but I do think it's a generation thing they want it all and they want it now!

I sympathise with you Daphne sending hug andπŸ’ 🍷
But at least hubby got cards and presents for Father's Day πŸ˜„

rosesarered Wed 22-Jun-16 10:47:57

go out and treat yourself to something nice!

daphne907 Wed 22-Jun-16 10:48:41

Thank you all - I now see this is not uncommon, but I guess just had a weak moment.
I can understand them all having their own lives - it happens and I was the same maybe when I was their age.

I think the gcs blanking me was the final straw - we moved from a nice detached house in a village to here, semi on a main road, just to be able to be useful and for them to be not to feel they had to travel for hours to see us. Since we have been here, it has not worked out that way.

I have considered speaking to he gcs about it, but would have preferred that their parents tackle it - I have a bit of an "eggshell" relationship with dil.

It appears that their other gdad, who by the way, is a saint, recieves the same treatment. Speaks volumes.

Mentioned it to my son on Friday - yet to hear anything from either him or dil.

Find this very disrespectful and am hurt that this is how they are at 9 and 7.

radicalnan Wed 22-Jun-16 10:59:17

I feel the same but we have to remember not to take it personally, yes they are busy but they are also selfish and prefer a boxed set and a pizza to their mother. Shame on them that they hold us in so little regard.