Feeling as if none of the family really care

I am so relieved to read all these posts. I thought I was the only mother in the world, whose children found her boring. What makes it worse is that my neighbour's three grown up children are always visiting, taking her shopping and picking her up from work. The consequence, hubby and I no longer feel guilty and spending the inheritance.
Anyway, no. 2 son phoned and has asked to come for dinner tonight, so maybe I'm not so boring after all. Or is it that he needs a good feed!

How surprising that so many people feel the same and are treated the same way. Shocking really. My grandsons often ignore me but I keep saying hello until they answer. If they don't I tell them it's very rude. I am past caring, tired of always being taken for granted and only get phone calls when something's wanted. I love them all very much but I'm not prepared to be treated badly any More!

I know just how you feel DD and family, four daughters, two great grandchildren, none of the girls were taught to say thank you for anything, just grab and go! I am now expected to give lavish presents for the two GG and am admonished if I miss a birthday, have now decided to opt out and enjoy (by myself) whatever time I have left, they all know where I am if needed

Jennywren54 you say " as she is only eight and I am the adult, what does any one else think."

I think this is the ideal age to start teaching consideration for other people's feelings, which is what good manners are.

Daphne first of all (((hugs))) and
There are so many helpful posts on here that you probably don't need or want my two penny worth but here it is anyway!

I think that the phrases in your post which leapt out at me were when you said,".... what is the point of being here?" and also,"Is this the future as well as the present" and if you really ask yourself these questions you will know the answer instinctively. First though you need to take back control of your own lives as a couple and decide what it is that you want taking into account exactly where you are.
You have fulfilled your duties as parents by successfully bringing up your own DC to the point where they are capable, fully functioning independent people who are now bringing up their own children. That particular aspect of you being parents is completed and so you then need to move on as it is now your own children who have moved into that position.

You and DH have a new marriage and partnership and need to work out how you want to live your lives primarily as a couple. Any other people are not as important as each other in the same way that you are not as important in your children's lives as their respective OHs. Anyone imposing their needs and requirements on you and your DH should be considered only as and when you and DH have sorted out your own mutual priorities. It would appear that is what your DC are doing in their lives and now that the family dynamics have changed in that you are now the grandparents that is also what you should be doing.

Move on, pursue your own interests and hobbies, take up voluntary work, study something and be busy. Do not drop everything to accommodate your DC unless that is convenient to you and what you as a couple want to do. Or if it is an emergency in the true meaning of the word.
You are the only ones who should be in a position to decide if the present is going to be the same as the future so do get on and make some life changing decisions.

As for the DGC and their behaviour when you are looking after them you are in the position of 'loco parentis' and if you would not have allowed your own children to behave in that manner then you do not allow your grandchildren to behave in that way either. Part of your duties at that time is teaching them what is and is not acceptable behaviour so just tell them what you expect. Children always push the boundaries to find how far they can go - so tell them!

Go and have a break as a couple and use the time to work out how you want to spend the rest of your days, including what you are prepared to do and not do. It could be the best way you have ever spent any of your time. Just make sure that any change of direction is done gently and subtly so that you don't cause any family ruptures.
The future is yours to make of it what you will.

I agree with previous posters daphne that you need to step up and insist your GC use their manners and say hello and thank you. Otherwise eventually it will be too late and they will feel uncomfortable speaking to you as they get older. It is important that you speak to them as you drive them home. You are the adults, take the lead.

I wouldn't always be available and agree with others, enjoy your time with your DH, while you can. You could be joining groups of like minded people, or find some activities you both enjoy, especially if you have recently moved to the area. Not waiting around for your too busy families to remember you exist. I always think parents who bend over backwards and act like doormats are saying to their families "walk all over me." We often hear about parents that don't give much time to their adult children and GC are those that are in demand. Human nature, we want what we can't have.

People are self absorbed these days and it's easy to fall into a pattern of behaviour without actually realising you are doing it. It sounds like your family are somewhat taking you for granted.

I think you are worrying too much. Maybe you should step back and make yourselves less available and get on with your own lives doing things that do not involve the family unit.

As someone else has said, go on a lovely holiday and don't worry about the family.

When you come back be less available to them.

Your grandchildren probably do not realise they are being rude as this behaviour has gone unchecked. Why don't you pull them on it? If it were me, I would be saying to them 'Oh hi Nonnie'! so they know they are being rude.
How dare they be rude to you! Maybe they are rude in the same way to their parents? So what! They should not be rude to you, and it needs addressing.

Hi, know exactly how you feel. I have two daughters and six grandchildren and would not see any of them if we did not go and visit them. Even when they have known I am ill I still don't hear from them. But if they need someone to do something, they manage to phone then. I have tried staying away, but then I miss out more than they seem to. I think today's generation are a lot more selfish than we ever were and they are so busy because they are always attached to their phones or iPads. I brought my children up in an age when there was no internet or mobile phones and if you wanted to speak to someone you had to make the effort, yet we always made the time to visit friends and family. Sending big hugs and hope it does not get you down too much xx

Lovely post PP

I shall preface my remark with this: I am not a parent or grandparent, so perhaps those here will think I shouldn't comment. But I have been a daughter and granddaughter. Your grandchildren are just plain rude if they don't speak to you, and rudeness should be challenged, not rudely, but consistently. You say you relationship with your DIL is a bit tricky, which isn't going to help you tackle the childrens' behaviour, but is it worth pussyfooting around them, putting up with it, just to be made use of? Conflict is horrible, though, and you don't want to bully kids, so I think in your situation I might develop a little strategic illness - nothing much, perhaps a persistent summer cold, or something "playing up" for a couple of weeks meaning that i could not help with any child-collecting duties. And after I was "better" I might stretch that a little bit and wait until I was asked to "return to work", at which point (and this is just me, and I might even regret this, so not sure of the wisdom of even mentioning it, but...) I would question with DIL the need for me, and the desire of the grandchild to have me do it, and I would go on to say that I would need said child to be courteous in order to make me want to help. I realise a 'real' grandparent might not want to risk alienating in-law and grandchildren, and possibly losing access to the latter, but if the kids are rude to you or ignore you, why would you want to be bothered with them? i'm sure they pay attention at birthdays and christmas times, and as a non-parent i dont understand what pleasure you guys get from simply being a cash dispenser to a generation who aren't interested? Oh I do know just how harsh that sounds, and, as i keep saying, I am not a parent etc and am obviously not invested in that whole thing. However I loved my grandparents, saw them regularly (of course i had a favourite, my maternal grandmother!) and was rigorously taught manners by my parents, who would have made it very clear to me pretty instantly if i had been rude to or ignored anyone, and would have insisted that i apologise and mend my ways. And I saw or spoke to my mum pretty much every day, even when we lived in different places. I talk to or see my mum-in-law at least every week too, and am lucky to have a good friendship with her, and PIL too, which helps us to be able to talk over any little issues which might crop up. My final thought is that yes, I agree with many here that one's children and grandchildren do have busy, often stressed lives, but as their family you should be a part of that life, and they should appreciate and value you. If they don't value you, how can they expect you to value and help them?

Lots of hugs - blessed be and remember that what you send out comes back 3-fold, so they will find themselves equally alone sooner or later. My DD1 has managed to estrange herself from me and her half-brother, forcing her sister into supporting her and cutting us off also and although we would dearly love to be reconciled with them both, and the situation breaks our hearts, especially as I have never met my GS properly (he was a toddler at my mum's funeral, but I've no idea of his name or anything else), but it's their choice, their life and you can't honestly do anything except be there if and when they do find they want your help or support.

I know how you feel. I too at times have felt as though contact was a 'duty'. I think the best advice given was to make yourselves interesting, go on holiday, do things together. Some of the happiest 'oldies' I have met are having S.K.I. holidays - blow savings, take life by the horns and have a BLOODY GOOD TIME whilst you are fit enough. The family may contact you more if you have something interesting to say and are not just always 'there'. The dgcs are just plain rude and it is up to you to let them know that you won't tolerate it. Let their Mother pick them up if she doesn't like you telling them, it is no loss to you. My old Granny used to say "if you make yourself into a doormat you will get walked on". Seize the day and plan something awesome.

Nothing further to add to the comments above - just wanted to send a big hug and to say I understand perfectly, you're not alone ?

I get you about offspring being wrapped up in their own world. I think we just have to get on with what is "our own world", in between having whatever contact we can with them (or whatever contact we are allowed, lol)

I know how you feel. My grandchildren, apart from one, never greet me unless prompted. This leads me to think I must be a bore. They liven up when we play boardgames or when I "act silly" singing and dancing, or even telling them stories about my naughty exploits as a kid, 70 years ago! I have a friend who used to be a dentist, and kids of all ages adore him. He engages them in little fantasy games & stories; he told me he had, as an only child himself, to learn how to talk to kids or they'd never open their mouths for him to apply his professional skills. I do think overly child centred parenting has a lot to answer for. Does anyone remember their own grandparents sitting quietly in a corner, seemingly totally uninterested in their grandkids? We were still brought up to speak to them respectfully and not interrupt.

I agree with jinglebellfrocks, children are rude/illmannered absorbed in their own little world. Time for you to take charge and introduce some social skills.

I feel the same but we have to remember not to take it personally, yes they are busy but they are also selfish and prefer a boxed set and a pizza to their mother. Shame on them that they hold us in so little regard.

Thank you all - I now see this is not uncommon, but I guess just had a weak moment.
I can understand them all having their own lives - it happens and I was the same maybe when I was their age.

I think the gcs blanking me was the final straw - we moved from a nice detached house in a village to here, semi on a main road, just to be able to be useful and for them to be not to feel they had to travel for hours to see us. Since we have been here, it has not worked out that way.

I have considered speaking to he gcs about it, but would have preferred that their parents tackle it - I have a bit of an "eggshell" relationship with dil.

It appears that their other gdad, who by the way, is a saint, recieves the same treatment. Speaks volumes.

Mentioned it to my son on Friday - yet to hear anything from either him or dil.

Find this very disrespectful and am hurt that this is how they are at 9 and 7.

go out and treat yourself to something nice!

When are we going to stop making excuses for our children, oh their busy their stressed they have a lot on their plate well so did we, we spoiled them, we ran around after them and they still expect us to do it. I managed to visit mil as well as take little gifts to say thank for looking after DD while I worked. Let's face it they take us for granted I've two DILs that only come round when they want something never pop in for a coffee or chat but I do think it's a generation thing they want it all and they want it now!

I sympathise with you Daphne sending hug and? ?
But at least hubby got cards and presents for Father's Day ?

Daphne I agree with everybody else, so in fact, it would seem that your problem is a common one, you are certainly not alone.
The best advice is to help 'when you can' [but make sure you are never always available] and enjoy your life with your partner.Living through your own children/grandchildren is always a mistake.The old adage 'familiarity breeds contempt' is a true one.
also, not sure how good I was with parents/grandparents myself,lots of times when I hardly thought of them at all, so maybe this is a natural thing.Of course, if they were ill or needed something that was different.

These are sad feelings and I suspect we all have them; I often feel 'tolerated' and did get upset at one point when a series of events made me think that my daughter didn't care a jot for my feelings, and my slightly tearful look and muttered explanation before I went home prompted a card in which she said that I was the centre of her world. 'Trouble is I think we are like the wallpaper; we are always there, always have been, and they somehow imagine we always will be, and no doubt when we have dropped off our perches they will feel as I do about my own parents - I should have talked to them/seen them more when I could have done. I can't see anything wrong with expecting your grand children to say hello; this is simple good manners and if they are capable of speaking then they can greet you! Cheer up - It's likely your children would be surprised to learn how you feel...and perhaps it would do them no harm to do so? Anyway - you are far from alone! x

Are you able to have conversations with the grandchildren or do they just not talk? Conversation is really an art. i have found that you can sit in a room and find it difficult to talk with someone, but go for a walk, or drive in the car, especially when it's dark, and you can pour out your inner secrets. I think on the internet you can find questions to use to start a conversation with people, eg with a child, rather than asking what happened at school today, (answer is usually nothing) you can ask what is the nicest thing that has happened to you today? (Or yesterday, or this week etc) you can share your nicest thing too, and move on to things like what would your favourite meal be or to get the imagination working, ask what animal they would like to be, and so on. When you get in the house is it straight onto tv or tablet or do you ever get to play silly games with them or put on some music and dance (including you!) or see who can stand on one leg the longest etc. It can be tiring being a fun grandma but better than being ignored.

Huge hugs, I know how you feel, sometimes we feel a bit "used" contact coming when something is needed, that is from my Daughter, who is always far too busy.
My Son, we SKYPE every evening, have a good chat, we see a lot more of each other, and as he is separated, I try to give him and his Sons as much support as they need. Things arent that bad really, so chin up Daphne 907, I hope things improve.

Big hugs coming your way! Maybe the children just need a bit of nudging and get their attentions. To my shame, it happened to me the other way around...when the children were still in Primary School, I used to take it for granted that my eldest daughter who were 16 to babysit everytime I accompanied my husband to a business dinner. Until one day she said to me "Mum, it so happened that I am not doing anything tonight but it would be good if you asked first". Well, that brought me back down to earth and realised that I also need to give her my respect of her need!
Hope you are feeling a bit uplifted and do communicate with your children...they might not realised how it is effected you. Don't do nothing!??