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Torn in two?

(8 Posts)
Lynker Tue 20-Sep-16 17:06:24

Has anyone else been in this situation? I am remarried (15 years). My daughter lives an hour and a half away. My husband's children and grandchildren live 20 mins away in the opposite direction. His ex wife lives very close to his daughter and has helped out with childcare over the past 12 years. I have only recently had grandchildren and my daughter is now returning to work after an extended period of maternity leave. Her childcare is a logistical nightmare and she is very stressed... both she and her husband work shifts and she has one child who has just started school and one in nursery... she has to drive for up to 45 mins to get to work. They have no family nearby. I am retired and would love to be able to help out. They have said that they would love me to be nearer.... but here's the problem... my husband refuses to move away from his family to live near mine. He wants to move from here and has said he will live somewhere in the middle of our daughters, but I would still not be near enough to help out, as I would still be an hour away. I feel that he is making me choose between him and my daughter. Has anyone else had a similar problem? Any advice welcome. Reading this back....I think you are going to say IABU, but I feel torn in two and not able to do what I want.

mumofmadboys Tue 20-Sep-16 17:29:13

Could you visit your daughter for two days a week and stay overnight for one night each week as a compromise?

Nanabelle Tue 20-Sep-16 18:16:05

Good idea mumofmadboys. I used to do that for a couple of years - I had 1.5 hours from door to door, but it was so worth it to be a part of grandchild's life on a regular basis, and also be able to help the family out. If as your husband suggests - and he seems prepared to make this compromise - you moved a bit nearer, that would actually help. One hour travel is not so bad - if you think of going out for a day, don't you sometimes drive one hour, say to visit a NT house? Mind you, moving house is a big upheaval so needs thinking about carefully.
Good luck with whatever happens.

BlueBelle Tue 20-Sep-16 18:24:57

An hours not that bad,not ideal, but my grandkids go on a bus an hour and half each way every day to their school, so doable. I think it's a good idea of mumofmadboys to go overnight hence giving them 2 days of your time and would be a good compromise

Christinefrance Tue 20-Sep-16 19:09:29

Yes I think compromise is what is needed. The children will soon grow up or your daughter will settle and find appropriate child care.. Don't make a big decision without a lot of thought.

ElaineI Tue 20-Sep-16 19:18:42

I also think that is a good idea mumofmadboys. And an hour is not too bad. It sounds like your husband wants to compromise but it wouldn't be fair to move a lot further from his family to help yours. Your daughter and husband might not need you every week if they are on shifts. My SIL is a policeman and sometimes he has our grandson and sometimes us due to his shifts.

DaphneBroon Tue 20-Sep-16 19:32:58

I used to drive 1 1/2 hours every Tuesday after lunch to collect DGS (early) from nursery at 4, take him to their house, do playtime, teatime, bath time and bedtime so that DD (who had gone back to work 4 days a week) could stay late at the office and clock up some brownie points to offset leaving promptly on the dot of 5 the other 3 days. On Wednesday morning she could leave early so as to be at her desk before 8 and I would see to his breakfast, dressing and drop him at nursery about 9.30 (once the rush had subsided) although it was such fun playing with him I tended to get later each week. I would then go back to theirs, tidy up the breakfast things. DGS's nursery and "my" bedroom , the toys etc and leave so that I could be home around 12 to collect DH frm his weekly blood test. I really enjoyed it, I know it helped DD and SIL (who occasionally made it home for bath time, but was as often away overnight or very late) and it helped me form a lovely relationship with the wee chap. Sadly DH is no longer well enough for me to be away overnight, there are 3 DGCs there and DD has had to find a daily nanny. But it was an excellent arrangement and the driving, being always in daylight was no trouble. They even gave me something towards petrol and bought a car seat which could stay permanently on the back of my car. If necessary I could usually do a different day but never stayed more than one night. Could something similar help you?

Lynker Tue 20-Sep-16 21:42:39

Thank you so much for your replies ladies, you have certainly given me some food for thought. I think that staying overnight might work, although due to changing shift patterns, it would have to be quite flexible. I will discuss the option with my daughter and see what she thinks. It would make me feel less helpless and hopefully relieve a little bit of her stress. Thanks again.