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Out of control grandchildren
(152 Posts)Please help, I know I will probably get a roasting from devoted Grandmother's but I need real advice because I'm at my wit's end.
I have 3 grandchildren let's refer to them as J, O and M, 2 boys J and O and a girl M.
My DH and I had 6 boys of our own, they were such good kids, if we took them places they behaved so well. When I look back I think just how lucky we were.
Now I will tell you about my problem.
Every visit from my grandchildren is becoming a nightmare.
The first thing they do is run into the hose, screaming and laughing, that's not unusual you might think, they are excited and pleased to see us but the running around and screaming don't stop for the whole 3-4 hrs they stay, I hardly have chance to talk to them.
I catch hold of their arms they look at me as though they have been traped, I ask hey J come tell Nanna how school was today. J looks at his arms, tears himself from me and runs of.
I then go after him, he runs back into the living room. I say tell me about the story teacher told you today. J looks, he says bananas, I say oh yummy I love bananas especially in a sandwich, he then says to me banana and poo, I say no bananas is nice on its own. J runs of shouting poooo. Now his sister M is running back and forth during this time, screaming, jumping on to the sofa, kicking her feet and knocking over photos I have of them. I say oh be careful we don't want to break your lovely photo you gave me. She turns around and says, poo, she comes to me and she says your bum smells like poo. Her mother just says oh M she's no lady is she and just laughs, all this time DIL just sits on the sofa, telling my son to see where they are.
That's another thing that amazes me, my son who was so sensible has in my opinion been abducted by aliens ( his wife's family) and had his memory totally wiped because everything we taught him has just gone out of the window, his wife and her mum, who I think I should add was a midwife has him totally under their thumb. Oh by the way would a midwife encourage her daughter not to sterilise a new baby's bottles and feed him a full cooked Christmas dinner at just barely 2 months old. Later he had terrible tummy and bowl problems, the doctor thought he was intolerant to lactose but I knew the problem was the way he'd been force fed. Even her mum told her not to tell the health visitor she was feeding him solid foods. I tried to advise but i got, "Oh my mum's a retired midwife so........." yes I'm afraid my advice went in one ear out the other, even though I had 6 very healthy boys.
So back to the mad episode.
Now while J and M are running riot I have the third one O who has a soaking wet nappie that has leaked out on to his trousers and they forgot to bring extra nappies so I go and find an old town and say you can use this to put on him for now, it's old so you can chuck it when you get home. (mentally making a note to buy some nappies just incase this happens again)., well O is absolutely going crazy, starting to bash the radiator with his toy robot, my DH stops him straight away, he now turns around and starts hitting the table I have my glasses on, I grab the robot quick, O screams and we are in a tug of war, I say careful your going to break your robot, he just screams and shouts my robot.
I say stop pulling and I will let go, if you keep pulling you will fall and hurt yourself. I let go he falls, now he jumps up and runs to his mother, looking at me like I'm an ogre.
Meanwhile the other two are running around back and forth the kitchen, I bring them back to the living room and shut the door, they run to open it, I say 'no' they catch hold of the handle and start kicking the door. In all this time their mother just says oh M oh J oh O, she don't get of her bottom to stop them, I stop them and she looks at me like I'm a fussy old spoilsport.
This happens every birthday, holiday, Christmas, anniversary. It is making special days a nightmare.
We used to go down to their house to visit, it was always a strain, there was always toys, dirty nappies, dirty pants, blankets all on the floor, you had to step over everything to get to a chair, I would start picking up everything, my DIL would look like oh my god what is she doing.
When we were visiting it was much easier, I had control on how long we stayed, which was about 1 hr because it's about all I could bear especially when M whispered in my ear "I want you to go home now", the reason being they wanted to watch TV but couldn't because we were there.
Now as my DIL recently passed her driving test, they now come up and visit us and they stay for hours, in fact I have to say, I think the little ones are getting tired, my son takes the hint and says right everyone get your shoes on. Now it's a fight to make them sit and put their shoes on.
Meanwhile, I see my DIL sitting on the hall radiator while she puts her shoes on, I am lost for words, she is about 12 st, the radiator grill is bending under her weight.
They go outside, J starts kicking the porch wall, he then gets put in the car, now M is in the car screaming, O still has his wet his trousers on, now the child car seat is all wet.
They go, we wave, smiling, we go into the house, I cry.
This happens on every visit, it's becoming a nightmare. If only they talked to us, played with toys nicely or sat and read a book with us I would be happy.
This is a time when we should be enjoying our grandchildren, but they are so rude and hyped up every time. We can't enjoy their visits. Before you say it's sugar, they dont have sweets for that purpose but it's not made any difference.
Please help, are we just terrible grandparents feeling this way? I'm at my wit's end.
It used to be advised , back in the day, to feed babies mashed up food from almost day one. it's only relatively recently that the advice has been milk only for 6 months. Perhaps the DILs mother remembers those days.
I am taking the OP at her word, and I would certainly not invite the kids to my house, if they invite themselves, just say you are in the middle of decorating/ getting ready for guests / whatever and suggest meeting up at some child friendly venue. The kids will enjoy it more , sounds like they need to burn off loads of energy, and don't get the opportunity at home. Explain to your DS that you feel the children are too restricted in your house and would they mind if we all go to the park instead. Sounds like the parents are using visiting your home as a chance to have a rest and let the kids cause havoc somewhere else. This way you will keep the contact and hopefully the children will enjoy themselves/ wear themselves out.
My eldest daughter was born in the 60's and I was certainly not told to feed solids until she was several months old. Don't know how far back you are going suzied.
Arianna I can well believe that this is happening to you , you will find GN has its share of opinionated people who would never talk like they do on here if they were face to face. Best ignored and just take the positive comments and advice.
I would definitely consider meeting at a soft play area or out of doors at a park . I would not be able to stand having my house wrecked either. I think it is fair to tell the parents that you find being =trapped= stuck in the house with 3 energetic, (badly behaved) children too much.
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I came here for some help and advice not abuse, if you knew what kind of people I am talking about you would understand.
I see this is nothing but a bitch at everyone sight certainly there are some people here who are genuine and helpful but really those that just bitch really need to take a long look at themselves.
I have no parents alive or siblings to help me, I am alone with my husband now my children has flown the nest, he's a very gentle man maybe some of you should take a leaf from his book and show some compassion to someone in need.
Definitely won't be posting here again.
You arr not a bed grandmother, far from it. You are a long loving, long suffering grandmother. So what to do. Tell your daughter in no uncertain terms that unless she teaches her children to behave properly when they come to visit then they will no longer be welcome. Harsh I know but here's where you have to think of yourself and not your spoilt grandchildren or. I hate to say it, your selfish daughter. For your own peace of mind and your own sanity you have to take control so show 'em who's boss. Easier said than done I know but just do it because if you don't the situation will only get worse.
What about your other sons? Can any of them help? Are they married with children? The soft play/park/outdoor activities sound like good ideas. The children seem very hyper - too many sugary drinks? Have you ever had the children on their own? It might be easier to control them without the parents. Please don't despair it is only a few people disbelieving you and the rest are trying to help.
Good lord...having read the whole string...I have no idea what to think. However I like to think on a positive note, that anyone that enters your home, you lay down the rules and you wouldn't let the children run riot. I've always had spare nappies for grandchildren, toys, drawing materials, and if one kicked off I'd ignore them until they improved their behaviour. As for feeding solids at two months.....Sorry but still can't get my head around that one. But I can add that there are a lot of weird and wonderful methodologies for parenting styles out there and ignorance....so nothing would surprise me. Poor kids!
How about an open and honest conversation with your son, include your dh of course but possibly not dil.
Somewhere you can be quiet, so no children about.
Blame your age and explain you are finding them a bit much en masse, and then suggest the one at a time idea.
I remember babysitting for a health visitor and her house was disgusting, I washed up everything and cleaned her kitchen, she said nothing on her return from a night out.
Good luck!
Arianna please don't let the bitchy comments put you off posting on this site in the future. I am 67 years old but I can still remember the havoc my twin cousins caused at my grandmother's house when they visited. Even the dog made himself scarce because they were very cruel to him. They even lost my grandmother's house keys and their mother didn't do anything to stop them. They were completely out of control, but their mother didn't curb their behaviour in any way. Their father (my grandmother's son) was usually working so didn't have much control over what happened, but when he was there their behaviour was much better. I do believe you about the solid food given to the baby at 2 months. I saw this year's ago and I have seen it since. People do still do this. There has been a lot of useful advice given in the different posts, so please, 'take the good and discard the bad' posts. I hope you have some resolution soon. After all, it IS your house and should be respected by any visitors.
If you have a garden open the back door and sling them out. Make one room a child-free zone and don't let them in. Shout occasionally don't pander to them. Most children know exactly how far they can go and respect someone who sets boundaries. As at least one of them goes to school they will be aware of how to behave its up to you to carry it out. If you disciplined your 6 boys I wonder why you won't do the same for your GCs? Of course the other posters may be right about firemen.
I believe every word. I've worked with nursery & infant age children and been totally gobsmacked by some parenting. Now I'm retired I avoid coffee shops where the mummies congregate with little ones who fit the description of poor Ariana's GC!
I'd go with the playground or soft play option. At least they're destroying someone else's property. Good Luck!
Meeting them outside, parks, Go Ape, soft play area, swimming baths, and now there are sights full of Trampolines which will use all their energy. Maybe worth paying for a treat to go to places like this, save the tears and damage to your home.
Then you can be honest and say sorry we are getting too old and can't cope with all the children at home together they have too much energy. You could maybe take the 2 older ones on your own, I only said maybe, but if the little one goes the parents will need to be there if not always.
Then on your birthday you can invite your friends or go out together. Christmas a bit more difficult.
What about your other 5 children what do they say about it and do they have children you don't mention them
Your not horrible grandparents I wouldn't put up with that. What about walking them to the nearest park for an hour to burn of some energy when they arrive then the rest of the visit maybe more enjoyable. Sounds like they don't get much time to burn of that energy whilst with the parents. Good luck
Can I ask if the visits usually happen straight after school or preschool/nursery?
If so then you won't get much sense out of them, school nights mine are babbling loons, but they're lovely calm chatty kids during the holidays or weekends.
I wonder if the timing is rubbish?
Can you do weekends instead of school evenings
Oh and don't quiz them about their school day, almost all kids HATE that!
Oh dear, what a shame the visits are proving such hard work. Modern kids do seem a bit riotous, compared to the ones we had that had the common decency to have afternoon naps, and we have less energy.
I know what it feels like to be overwhelmed by the boisterous, and especially when you want to engage with them and do something a bit meaningful.
I think you should say something to your son because you are already in tears so it must be really getting you down. It would get me down.
As for old porky sitting on the radiator that is just bad behaviour, which she seems to excel at.
If you were a crusty old spinster I would wonder how much you knew about kids, but 6 boys??? I take my hat off to you, I only had 2 and with a decent age gap, they are hard work.
I wouldn't be overly impressed by retired midwives or nurses or anyone else, they are just humans and as sloppy in their ways as the rest of us when not at work.
I would indeed meet them at the park or the pictures and don't let the ump one turn up for hours on end, you do have a life of your own, and I suspect you feed them all and there is only so much a radiator can take.
Tell your son you will issue invitations when you are feeling up to that and meet them outside at other times to preserve your sanity, fixtures and fittings.
If he is so down trodden that he can't teach his own kids to behave without feeling intimidated by a grubby ex midwife he wants a turn on the bloody naughty step himself.
I've had friends with those sort of kids and they always visit for ages because they want feeding and don't want to have to do any work at home so land themselves on other people.
I have a similar problem but only gets better when we visit our grandkids at their house that's how we get through this ours are not so bad as yours (sorry) but we wouldn't put up with it and my hubby us blunt behave or we leave! Usually works!
You have my sympathy as grandchildren should be a joy and not what you are going through.I hate to say this however the noisy child, you did not say his age, that reacted so rudely to the issue of bananas bears a similarity to the displays of my neighbours six year old boy diagnosed with ADHD
Kids can be noisy but the fact all three of your grandchildren are the same noisy individuals seems to me that two are following the behaviour of their sibling who maybe have this unfortunate illness.This is just my thoughts and I hope you do not take offence at my suggestion.Your DIL is no help but she may be at the end of her tether If you dread these visits how long are you prepared to put up with it.?This could effect your own health.Any chance of discussing this with your doctor who will refer you to those who can help you.I wish you luck and I do not feel you should be subjected to this distressing situation.
I wouldn't be bothering making up excuses as to why they can't visit any more - no "we're decorating" or "we're doing xyz". I would just say straight out to BOTH the parent - "why do you actually bring the children here"?
Because their visits are not enjoyable at all for you. The children can't be getting much out of it either, as they are not interacting with anyone. And as for their behaviour - sheesh.
I really would say - to BOTH parents - I really can't take any more of the stress and the strain of your visits. The children don't even talk to me/us, they are rude and treat the house like an indoor play centre. By all means one of you can bring one child at a time to visit, but until you have instilled some plain basic good manners into them, please don't bring them any more. I am happy to meet up with you at a play centre or a park, but it is just too stressful, not absolutely not enjoyable, for them to be here.
I feel sorry for the children, because their parents are not doing them any favours by allowing them to revert to Lord of the Flies type behaviour. Children need to have boundaries - how else can they test them, and find out what is and isn't acceptable? They need discipline and rules. And one of the basic rules is respect. Both for other people and their property/possessions.
You don't say how old the children are, but with the reference to nappies, I am guessing they are quite young. I dread to think what kind of reputation they are gaining in nursery/school and I wouldn't mind better there will be precious few invitations back to friend's houses. Unless of course, individually they are fine and it's just when they are together that there is utter mayhem
But seriously - I really do think you need to put a stop to their visits.
Arianna, I wonder if you have ever had the children over without their parents? I have a hyper grandchild who winds up the other two and things quickly become chaotic. In our case it is certainly not the parents at fault as if anything they are over strict and there is no rudeness, just a lot of not listening, racing around, disobeying instructions and noise. But on the occasions when I have the children on their own it just doesn't happen. Then when a parent arrives to collect them it all starts up. Just curious.
I'm sorry you're going through this arianna. Grandchildren should be a delight and it's so sad you're not able to enjoy them. Your DIL sounds a complete oaf as does her mother which has led to very poor parenting for your grandchildren.
I think if I was you I'd take my son to one side and explain you're finding it all a bit much to cope with and you'd like to see your grandchildren one at a time if possible.
It'll probably go down like a lead balloon but it sounds like such a nightmare you have to do something or you'll end up losing your temper and screaming at them all..I know I would. Get tough!
To be fair I only know about girls and my DGD is quite good apart from her mad half hour which I encourage. Both parents are quite strict but when she comes to my house I play quite rough with her and Chase her letting her scream and shout for a while, then she has a drink and I suggest getting out play doh or colouring books etc and she calms down. It's the parents to blame for the OP problems, they need to impose some discipline especially in someone else's house. I do know that boys are much more challenging and need to use up more energy,that's where dad's come in to play with a ball perhaps or just run around.
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