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Out of control grandchildren

(151 Posts)
Arianna Tue 20-Sep-16 18:01:28

Please help, I know I will probably get a roasting from devoted Grandmother's but I need real advice because I'm at my wit's end.
I have 3 grandchildren let's refer to them as J, O and M, 2 boys J and O and a girl M.
My DH and I had 6 boys of our own, they were such good kids, if we took them places they behaved so well. When I look back I think just how lucky we were.
Now I will tell you about my problem.
Every visit from my grandchildren is becoming a nightmare.
The first thing they do is run into the hose, screaming and laughing, that's not unusual you might think, they are excited and pleased to see us but the running around and screaming don't stop for the whole 3-4 hrs they stay, I hardly have chance to talk to them.
I catch hold of their arms they look at me as though they have been traped, I ask hey J come tell Nanna how school was today. J looks at his arms, tears himself from me and runs of.
I then go after him, he runs back into the living room. I say tell me about the story teacher told you today. J looks, he says bananas, I say oh yummy I love bananas especially in a sandwich, he then says to me banana and poo, I say no bananas is nice on its own. J runs of shouting poooo. Now his sister M is running back and forth during this time, screaming, jumping on to the sofa, kicking her feet and knocking over photos I have of them. I say oh be careful we don't want to break your lovely photo you gave me. She turns around and says, poo, she comes to me and she says your bum smells like poo. Her mother just says oh M she's no lady is she and just laughs, all this time DIL just sits on the sofa, telling my son to see where they are.
That's another thing that amazes me, my son who was so sensible has in my opinion been abducted by aliens ( his wife's family) and had his memory totally wiped because everything we taught him has just gone out of the window, his wife and her mum, who I think I should add was a midwife has him totally under their thumb. Oh by the way would a midwife encourage her daughter not to sterilise a new baby's bottles and feed him a full cooked Christmas dinner at just barely 2 months old. Later he had terrible tummy and bowl problems, the doctor thought he was intolerant to lactose but I knew the problem was the way he'd been force fed. Even her mum told her not to tell the health visitor she was feeding him solid foods. I tried to advise but i got, "Oh my mum's a retired midwife so........." yes I'm afraid my advice went in one ear out the other, even though I had 6 very healthy boys.
So back to the mad episode.
Now while J and M are running riot I have the third one O who has a soaking wet nappie that has leaked out on to his trousers and they forgot to bring extra nappies so I go and find an old town and say you can use this to put on him for now, it's old so you can chuck it when you get home. (mentally making a note to buy some nappies just incase this happens again)., well O is absolutely going crazy, starting to bash the radiator with his toy robot, my DH stops him straight away, he now turns around and starts hitting the table I have my glasses on, I grab the robot quick, O screams and we are in a tug of war, I say careful your going to break your robot, he just screams and shouts my robot.
I say stop pulling and I will let go, if you keep pulling you will fall and hurt yourself. I let go he falls, now he jumps up and runs to his mother, looking at me like I'm an ogre.
Meanwhile the other two are running around back and forth the kitchen, I bring them back to the living room and shut the door, they run to open it, I say 'no' they catch hold of the handle and start kicking the door. In all this time their mother just says oh M oh J oh O, she don't get of her bottom to stop them, I stop them and she looks at me like I'm a fussy old spoilsport.
This happens every birthday, holiday, Christmas, anniversary. It is making special days a nightmare.
We used to go down to their house to visit, it was always a strain, there was always toys, dirty nappies, dirty pants, blankets all on the floor, you had to step over everything to get to a chair, I would start picking up everything, my DIL would look like oh my god what is she doing.
When we were visiting it was much easier, I had control on how long we stayed, which was about 1 hr because it's about all I could bear especially when M whispered in my ear "I want you to go home now", the reason being they wanted to watch TV but couldn't because we were there.
Now as my DIL recently passed her driving test, they now come up and visit us and they stay for hours, in fact I have to say, I think the little ones are getting tired, my son takes the hint and says right everyone get your shoes on. Now it's a fight to make them sit and put their shoes on.
Meanwhile, I see my DIL sitting on the hall radiator while she puts her shoes on, I am lost for words, she is about 12 st, the radiator grill is bending under her weight.
They go outside, J starts kicking the porch wall, he then gets put in the car, now M is in the car screaming, O still has his wet his trousers on, now the child car seat is all wet.
They go, we wave, smiling, we go into the house, I cry.
This happens on every visit, it's becoming a nightmare. If only they talked to us, played with toys nicely or sat and read a book with us I would be happy.
This is a time when we should be enjoying our grandchildren, but they are so rude and hyped up every time. We can't enjoy their visits. Before you say it's sugar, they dont have sweets for that purpose but it's not made any difference.
Please help, are we just terrible grandparents feeling this way? I'm at my wit's end.

Jane10 Tue 20-Sep-16 18:07:04

No you're not terrible grandparents -they are terrible parents by the sound of it!
I don't think I'd want children who behave like that in my house. No suggestions I'm afraid other than to maybe have one at a time to visit. This could give you the chance to build up a better relationship with them. Mum and Dad to drop the child off and go!

phoenix Tue 20-Sep-16 18:10:37

You have my every sympathy, they sound absolutely bloody awful!

(No doubt I will get a roasting for saying that!)

But, not sure how you might change things, as the parents don't seem bothered by the children's behaviour.

SueDonim Tue 20-Sep-16 18:26:03

It sounds awful, you're very patient indeed.

Can you decide to meet elsewhere on neutral territory, say in a park or somehere that caters for children's activities? Though that won't be much fun in winter.

Nelliemoser Tue 20-Sep-16 18:36:06

Unfortunately there are some parents out there who might just say "the children are expressing themsleves."

suzied Tue 20-Sep-16 18:41:20

Yes arrange to meet up somewhere like a park with adventure playground or indoor soft play, children's farm or wherever that they can hurl around and you aren't worried about your house. Take a picnic so they don't have to sit down to eat. Dont have them at your house with the parents it's too stressful. Just tell mum and dad you would rather get out and about, you think the kids spend too long cooped up in your house , how about doing something together. Any open space with a football or their bikes or whatever. Just say no to them just " visiting" sounds horrendous.

Katek Tue 20-Sep-16 18:47:33

I'll second the soft play/adventure playground- they can run about until they're exhausted and it's not in your home. Do they behave differently with you if the parents aren't there?

Alima Tue 20-Sep-16 19:23:40

Could you move further away, far enough to make a visit impractical? To a place small enough to deter overnight guests?

Christinefrance Tue 20-Sep-16 21:09:22

That sounds good Alima, solves the problem. It all sounds very distressing for you Arianna, you need to ensure your expectations are not a bit unrealistic. Young children are not going to sit quietly for too long, maybe you can say long visits are tiring for you now and time limit them. Hopefully they will be growing out of some of this behaviour soon. A heart to heart with your son may help but seems their parenting methods are not in the same ball park as yours.

phoenix Tue 20-Sep-16 22:03:16

I don't think Arianna should have to move house to get away from these horrors! (Although I must admit I would be tempted to)

Yes, I appreciate your point,*Christinefrance*, sometimes expectations can be unrealistic, but reading the OP, she is not expecting the little horrors darlings to sit quietly and listen to Beatrix Potter stories, just to behave in a reasonably civilised manner for their age and not to keep telling people that they smell of poo!

I appreciate your comments re hoping that they will grow out of it, but it would probably help if the parents started to put some ground rules into place.

Sadly, it might be that they either don't have the guts to do it, or having let this behaviour go on for so long, it will take a major change to accomplish anything , which again might take more strength and determination than they can muster.

Pollengran Tue 20-Sep-16 22:25:53

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Granny23 Tue 20-Sep-16 23:00:09

Although my DGC have their moments they are not in this league but I am (too) well acquainted with a few of my DDs friends (lovely intelligent people) who allow their children to behave in this way while Mum and Dad sit happily, in the midst of mayhem, drinking tea and carrying on a long conversation, oblivious to the fact that their DC are wrecking someone else's home, and beating up the resident children.

phoenix Tue 20-Sep-16 23:13:05

Pollengran shock confused

Pollengran Tue 20-Sep-16 23:18:27

DC are wrecking someone else's home, and beating up the resident children while the parents (lovely intelligent people) are drinking tea... Oblivious.

OK smile.

Pollengran Tue 20-Sep-16 23:19:42

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phoenix Tue 20-Sep-16 23:21:14

Even more confused.

Pollengran Tue 20-Sep-16 23:30:31

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phoenix Tue 20-Sep-16 23:31:44

Sorry for confusion, just didn't understand your fireman reference.

Pollengran Tue 20-Sep-16 23:37:56

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phoenix Tue 20-Sep-16 23:41:23

Might be well known, but not by me!

But then, I'm not particularly au fait with firemen.

Pollengran Tue 20-Sep-16 23:47:02

If you say so Phoenix wink.

Ilrina Tue 20-Sep-16 23:54:13

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Pollengran Tue 20-Sep-16 23:58:32

Cheers llrina smile.

Arianna Wed 21-Sep-16 00:21:03

Thank you for all your comments especially those that were more positive, I do think going to a park or recreational place would be a great idea.
All I wanted from the moment i knew I was to be a grandmother was to have the same kind of experience as my own grandparents had with me and my son's had with my parents and my DH parents. As for the non sterilisation of bottles and feeding Christmas dinner, it's absolutely true. I used to think I was over fussy when I had my boys young, but theres a difference to being fussy and just plain dirty.
I certainly did not as "Pollengran" state, "You have lifted every single toddler problem from MN and GN all in one."
This situation is unfortunately for me true, it has been so very stressful I tried to give good advice but my voice has never been listened to, my DIL and her siblings were by what I can gather the same and lately I have had the feeling my DIL only keeps in touch with us, waiting for my DH and I to be 6 foot under as she knows the inheritance would be enough when shared to be a deposit on a house or a bloody good few Indian meals and unnecessary toys to flit it on.
I only wish it were not true, it's not a pleasant feeling dreading each visit and yes I've thought about moving so far away for visits to be more difficult, but I just wanted to be normal with them, hold a little conversation and play, read and just have fun being grandparents.
I didn't choose my DIL anymore than she chose us but I've tried to do my best in helping. If you make a mistake you learn by it but that don't apply to DIL. I saw this forum after browsing for some answers to my horrendous problem, I've never read any of the forums here and some of these posts here surprised me, I didn't think there would be such care-less attitudes.
I thank truly those that gave sensible advice and those who were sympathetic gave me hope this situation would have a happy solution, that's all I want.

Arianna Wed 21-Sep-16 00:36:42

Also Pollengran and IIrina, seems you have nothing better to do than punch someone when they are down rather than give them a helping hand back onto their feet.