Should I move?

I'm sure most mothers of young children could use free "support". Whether most of them need it is moot. As someone has said, we don't actually know the needs of the daughter in question, nor how she manages during the time when gailjo isn't visiting and helping.

Are you able to tell us more, gailjo?

Unless the daughter's need is severe, I still think the needs of your widowed mother-in-law, and your husband's desire to support her is more important.

But, as eejit (clearly not an eejit at all!) has said: only you can decide if you want to move, with or without your husband.

Kids can certainly make you feel guilty can't they ! But this is a very big ask reading your post makes me think you don't want to move so don't , I think you do a lot going and staying every month . It's time to put yourself and hubby first good luck ?

Gosh, difficult, MIL is in need of support now, but you will eventually be in need yourself at which time it is good to be near family rather than friends. My mother refused to move to be near me (only child) and her 2 DGC when she was widowed, citing great friends and neighbours, only to find that they melted into the woodwork when she became ill with dementia. At that point she was unable to function out of her familiar environment so we could not move her down to live with us as she was lost and I was unable to support her much as my DH and DC were obviously committed to work and schools where we lived and I also worked. We had some nightmare years relying on cleaners and careers who she was constantly sacking until it became too much and we had to move her into residential care

Good luck with your decision

What!? Move to help out more. How self centred. Stay where you are. She has no right to expect you to move. They are her children . If she can't look after them without help she shouldn't have had them. I brought up 5 without help. My mother lived 250 mile away. I never expected her to move nearer.

Tell your daughter to grow up

This is the time in your life to do what YOU want. When in doubt do nowt x

If she is that desperate for your help, I would suggest that she be the one to move nearer you! you have your own commitments - what does she suggest you do with granny?!

We have 3 daughters. 2 are on opposite sides of London which is at least a 3hr journey by car for us and the 3rd is 6-7hrs by car in the north of the country. Both the 3rd and daughter no. 2 have asked us to move nearer to them to help with child care so that they can work. As they send their children to nursery/school even when unwell, we reckon we wouldn't get much help if we were unwell. So with friends around us down here we plan to stay. As many have already said, people move even when they may not want to, if it means keeping a job or getting a better one that will take precedence over thinking about mum and dad - and that's how it should be.

and when she no longer needs so much help, where does that leave you?

*Disclaimer - my views may change if Gailjo provides further information about her daughter's circumstances*

I think your daughter has a damned cheek, expecting you to up roots and move three and a half hours away, so you can provide even more free childcare for her. I think you are already going above and beyond, by leaving your husband for five days a month for her.

Is she proposing to pay all the associated expenses of a move? Even if you wouldn't have to sell your own property, you would still have the costs of removals firms or van hire, plus the hassle of having to find another property.

Her children, her choice to have them, her responsibility to care for them. There are numerous nurseries, childminder and nannies available for her to access. There is help towards the costs of these.

But to expect you to move yourself and your husband so far away, leaving your mother in law on her own at a time when she needs support (and will continue to need that support), to put upon you even further, is flabbergasting. And selfish. And inconsiderate.

This is a common situation and I know someone who did just that, move , only to find that daughter moved away when she got a new partner.
You have to be very clear about what you want. If you don't want to move, don't and tell her that. Five days is a generous amount of time to give.
If you own your own home it costs £12k to just move.
Daughter needs to grow up. She chose to have her children so she needs to deal with them.Sit down and talk it through with husband. What if his dear mum was not the reason he does not want to move. Communication is the key and stop being intimidated by your daughter.

I am just about equidistant (1 1/2 hours approx) between the 2 DDs who have children, One has 3 children 6, 5 and 2 and the other has a 4 month old baby.
Much as I would LOVE to be the granny who picks up from school, takes or picks up from nursery, swoops in for an overnighter in an emergency, it is just not going to happen is it? Third DD has no children but lives near her sister with the baby so can provide some sisterly support but s she works and is often abroad, no childcare.
Of course I am torn! When DH's health was better I could do the occasional late/overnight babysit but he can't be left any more and I have come to the conclusion that you can't be everywhere!
I also have memories of my ageing and infirm parents living 350 miles away and of the stresses of their final years when I was also teaching full time.
No, I think your MIL is the first call on your and DH's time for the present. At the risk of sounding brutal, that is a situation which will not go on for ever, but she needs her family's support right now. Your current arrangement of staying over sounds a good one as 3 1/2 hours drive is too far to be doing that every week, unless you felt you could do two shorter visits a month. It is also expensive, does she realise that? It can be lovely to have Mum round the corner but sadly the way families move around that is rarely the case. Where is your other daughter? Is the time going to come when she needs help?
Don't give in to emotional blackmail, moving is never a straightforward business at the best of times!

Goodness you are lucky your husband is so relaxed about you being away five days every month, or is he?, does he go over to see the grandchildren or do they make regular visits to you and what about great gran. We were in a similar position caring for my mum and DD2 moved nearer to us after babies arrived, she then had help and could visit GG as well, two way thing. DD1 lives far away and we have never been able to give the help we would have liked to but we have all had to accept that. I had only occasional help from my mum who lived about 35 miles away.

I cannot add really, but and:

STAY... your MIL needs his son and you need your familiar surroundings and sanity. Would this daughter look after you when you get older and infirmed? Would she stay put to help look after you or cart you off to a care home because either she decided to move again and you are not needed to help with her children any more, or just sees why she should have to look after you when she has another brother and sister to do that?

If you were to move nearer to one of your offspring, would the others feel that you should have moved nearer to them? Can you be sure your daughter won't need/want to move elsewhere later? Really difficult one here, I wish you luck with the decision, and hope it all works out well.

Why does your daughter need more support? We moved away from both our sets of parents owing to DH work commitments and we brought up our kids without any of the support your daughter is currently receiving from you. I think you are already providing plenty of support. Does she want you to mind the children so she can go back to work? You could be making a rod for your own back. Be careful.

I am thinking about your DH's health care too. After such a big operation he will surely have follow up and check-ups from the heart team where you live. Best not to disrupt that continuing care or pile additional stress upon him.

You have not mentioned if your DD has a husband/partner and/or another set of Granparents who could offer help/support. Is your DD well or perhaps suffering PND? If money is tight for DD could you offer some financial support to pay for some home help or day nursery?

I so sympathise having spent a few years with 5 out of 6 of our elderly relatives ill and in and out of hospital and one DD ill at University, while we were both still working full time. We coped somehow but when the pressure was off I suffered a total breakdown. It is imperative that you 'look after yourself' in the midst of being torn in all directions because you will be of no use to anyone if you become overwrought or ill.

5 days a month seems a lot. I wonder if your daughter has enough friendship support locally. My DD, with a 5 weeker, has found that from day 1 after SIL's paternity leave finished that socialising and going out helped her to cope with the incessant needs of the new baby in between the walks to school and back. So it is baby yoga on one day, childbirth trust coffee morning another, rhythm and rhyme another and so on, and knowing her she probably has casual friendships going on on the other days. One did her ironing for her while they chatted. Holding and breastfeeding the baby in company seems to take the stress out of the hours it takes up, and housework has to be a quick scurry round while he is asleep occasionally. If I went down regularly I would probably be in the way, lol, though she has just been to stay with me this week.

No don't move and stop feeling guilty and never never give in to emotional blackmail. The most important person in this situation is your husband and his wishes are paramount. You and he have your own lives to lead. It's said that if you do your best it will be for the best but you should avoid doing anything which jeopardizes your marriage.

Sorry but your daughter sounds entitled. You're already doing 5 days, which is way more help than many parents get.

Move? Only if there is something in it for YOU. I think you may find yourself at the beck and call of your daughter in no time. One day it will be some casual babysitting. Then daughter will, of course, want to return to work and in no time at all you'll be dropping off, picking up and covering holidays. Your life will not be your own.

Please don't give in to this emotional blackmail.

A two year old and a baby can be a handful for the first year, I assume she has a partner who helps out at weekends? Does he have a parent nearby who can perhaps take the 2 yr old for a day or half day sometimes?

While you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty, and should support your husband and MIL , would it be more useful to your daughter if, for the next few months, you go twice a month for say 3 days instead of once a month for five? Just a thought.

A friend of mine who has an autistic adult son was living in the borders. Her daughter was living in Portsmouth as hubby was in the Navy. My friend uprooted herself and son and moved down south to give help and support (to be fair the daughter had big problems with having autistic/handicapped children). A couple of years or so down the line said daughter moved up to Scotland. My friend is now living in Portsmouth and her finances have never recovered. Her son is living so-called independently and refuses point blank to move again. She now has to travel to Scotland to give help and support

Smithy that's the thing about moving to be nearer to children and grandchildren - they could well move away again with work and you may be left somewhere you don't want to be and can't afford to move back to where you would like.

How did we manage with more than two small DC, no parents to help and husbands who worked away for months at a time?
'I don't know how I did it' could be a good title for a book!

Perhaps it might be a good idea to help your DD with organisational skills, Gailjo, in the nicest and kindest possible way.
A tip from a midwife when I had Number Two when DD was 2: make sure there are clean clothes, a meal and clean bathrooms then leave the rest and concentrate on the children - take them out so that they don't mess up the house too much!
I found a playpen was an essential.

ps we had a dog as well

so much good advice as usual. I would encourage you to stay where you are for now, seems like your DH & MiL are in need of support. You are giving time to your DD every month which is more than most would/could do.

My DM lives over 250 miles away from myself, DD, her OH & DGS we did talk about a move for her to be nearer to me & GD when my DH was alive, so glad she didn't (don't think she really wanted to move as she lives in a village, has lots of friends & good social life) as I re-located to be nearer by DD, DD is busy with DGS & I don't see a lot of them but DD is on hand for my needs rather than me help her with childcare etc.

Take time to consider your next move (or not) - try writing a list of pros & cons, discuss it with your DH & other DC