Should I move?

My daughter often suggests I move closer to her, not for free childcare but for emotional support, but I've explained that my home, my friends and my hobbies are here. She and her husband have chosen to live in Bristol. I'm in Northumberland! If I gave up all those things and something happened to force them to move, where does that leave me? They can't rule out such a possibility so I visit as often as I can and she has to be content. Add to that the expense and stress of moving house!

While her kids are so young, could she maybe come and stay with you 2 for a few days each month as well as you going there? She would get the help she wants and so would your husband.

Who moved away from who? If your daughter moved away from your home town then that was her choice & she needs to live with the consequences. I've heard it said it's never a good idea to move nearer children but I guess it's a v individual thing - when we retire properly we're planning to move halfway between our two, but that's because it suits us as well.

Our children should be prepared to look after their children themselves. Unfortunately we live in a 'have it all' society and a lot of them think it is their 'right' to have regular childcare help from their parents. They don't consider that the parents have 'been there and done that' and after working hard all their lives, now need to be able to enjoy their retirement in whatever way they wish to. The grandparents need to have a choice! Just saying......

Discuss possibilities with your husband. Decide how much time you can/are able to give to your daughter over the next year. Situations, and babies, change so quickly.

Did your daughter have a difficult time with the birth, or afterwards? Any possibility of PND? What other support does she have? A week a month is generous but your daughter clearly feels she needs more support at present. Do you know exactly what she needs and why? Her asking you to consider moving sounds like a plea for help. That's a big ask but maybe some less drastic changes could assist her. You know the people involved, we don't.
All good wishes, ?

I moved to be near my daughter and Im so lonely..she uses me for childminding but has to check with husband before she can spend time with me and then its only a coffee. I regret up rooting and I want to have a place where I belong. As grand daughter gets older they'll need me less..then what?..stay put your life there..

So sorry to hear that Pattyann. I know it's hard to make new friends. We have an over 60s club in our village but it also welcomes those who live alone. Why not look for something like that? They meet once a week and have visits and outings too.

Agree with what merlotgran said.

Stay strong , don't do it, try not to feel bad about it, like others have said the knock on effect could be catastrophic & who knows what changes your daughter may make in the future , you are doing as much as you can already well done xx

Dont feel guilty do you have help when you had your daughter, I didn't have much and my mum did live near me but she was unwell, so I had to learn to manage and my children were only 22 months apart and my youngest was a bad sleeper, but I got on with it. It was hard but it taught me a valuable lesson, determination.

I brought my children up with my mum living 80 miles away, it was my choice to move away and was grateful for the help she provided when she visited. She also had the girls one weekend a month so we could have couple time - maybe offer something like this? My daughter now has a little one and recently moved out with her boyfriend, she lives less than a mile away and I live being able to pop in and she visits every weekend - their are benefits to living close by but at the end of the day it's absolutely your choice x also get involved in a local group that interests you, you will be connected more in your area its a great way to make friends x

I'd say don't do it. Your husband would be rightly miserable and that would make you miserable too. You do a good deal for your daughter already.

Thank you all so very much for your comments. You have certainly given me a lot to think about. Thank you

My first 2 children were born 19 months apart and yes it was tough. No GP practical support at all- odd night of babysitting about twice a year for our anniversary and joint birthday. But it made my husband and I a team, a tight unit for over 30 years. You generously give up nearly a week of your life every month for your DD and forsake your husband/homelife. He will have needs, dreams and hopes too. Make sure you keep your marriage strong by working together for Both your futures and encourage your DD to work on teamwork with her DP for Their children. Good luck

My inlaws were 89 and 90 when we moved them to be near us as they were over two hours away. We took care of them, my mom as well as babysat weekly for three children. My in laws died five years later and we were exhausted from all the caretaking. We stopped weekly sitting for the GC who had two other grandmothers to take care of them and just helped the daughter who had two children thirteen months apart. The others were not happy with our decision and have stopped speaking to us for almost two years. We have not seen our grandchild or his new brother in that time. So my point is when did grandparenting become FREE childcare? Was it not good enough to see the children for a few hours to go to a museum or movie? We should be the frosting on the cake not the whole cake. We raised our children. Why do they expect so much? We lost ourselves and this was our retirement.
It seems your first priority would be to your MIL and then yourself and then your child. Your MIL will need you more as she ages.
Seems to me you are doing enough all ready but it's just my opinion

Gailjo you are clearly doing more than enough already. We would all have loved someone to do our chores for us and give us time out to do our own thing but for most of us this never happened. Why should it anyway unless there were complication in childbirth? And where does one get this paragon of unlimited time and energy?

Your first priority is yourself and your husband and then the one most in need of help and least able, your recently widowed MIL. Only after this do your children come into the equation and only then if you feel you are physically able.
Your children have youth on their side and there is clearly a reason why our fertility ends when it does! Looking after children is the job of those who give birth to them with just occasional add on help from other family members when they are able. In an ideal world before adding another child to the family more thought should be given to how another additional family member is to be coped with and no assumptions should be made that others will take over.
Do make sure that the whole family are 'as one' in the amount of help being directed at the DD who lives 3 1/2 hours away. It is quite possible that there is already disquiet and you don't need dissension in the family! Other family members may be able to help in some way even if only to make suggestions regarding prioritising and time management. You need to look at how you deal with this as a family team.
Whenever any decision is made to positively do something then even more decisions are actually being made to not do other things. Nothing is in isolation.
You certainly should not be moving to live near your (3 1/2 hers away) DD as that means that you are deliberately moving away from your other children and their families as well as your MIL. This will not make anyone happy and would be a recipe for disaster!

I understand what you are saying Rhinestone about the expectations and wonder if it is lack of communications sometimes. After your PILs died there seems to have been no realisation that you actually needed a rest and there should have been a family conference and even a complete backing off from all child care. Perhaps, if you could afford it, a financial contribution towards child care rather than a physical one would have been a good offer to make. Communication is vital to avoid misunderstanding and concentrating all your effort towards only one of your children and a withdrawal from the others must have smacked of favouritism and been very hurtful.
Perhaps it is allowing expectations to rise beyond what is humanly possible and not being totally open about the fact that you yourselves are aging and not as able as once you were that has led to this rift. So sad!

My mother was an only child and so am I. She lived 200 miles away and I was her long distance carer! As she got older I really wanted her to move near us so she could share in our family life and we could support her as she became increasingly frail. But she wouldn't and wasn't interested in her grandchildren particularly though was pleased to be a grandmother! Sadly she went into hospital away from us and as I wasn't well myself at the time I could do little to help. I still feel upset about it but understand - from the comments on this thread - that it was right for her to make her own choice. Would I move to be closer to my children? I don't know. They're not that far away and I'd hate to be a burden but it's a balancing game and each of us has to deal with how we feel ourselves and be respected for our decision whether it's agreed with or not. Difficult. For me the thought of having to be dependent fills me with horror.

I had my 2DD in Devon, DH family in Staffs. My M&D in HKong.
We were hard up so I went to work in the evenings to afford the extras we needed.
Young people these days expect to have so much more than we did so need more help in the childcare department. It never occurred to us that the position we were in was not a choice that WE made. Up to us to deal with it
Move if it's what suits you and your husband and your MIL if you'd rather not then don't. I think you are being very supportive as it is.

Synonymous Thank you for understanding. I never thought to give money for childcare to my stepson as he and his wife made double the amount of money we did at the time. We did still offer to babysit just not every week. We were tired and wants a life of our own. They had two moms who sat two days each so they paid only for one day.
I do think *Gailjo you are doing a lot every month. Another alternative would be to move with her MIL . Our children don't see us aging and think we can handle anything. No one helped us with aging parents. My stepson was always tired. But he sure expected much and gave back little.
My concern would be if Gailjo moved closer and then what happens after the GC are older and there is less need for childcare.

I had a two and a half year old son, then twins and my life was pretty non existent apart from caring for my children - that was a lifetime ago in the 70's ! My dad was in hospital for 6 years and my mum had far too much stress and strain at the time to be able to help me out and I would never have expected her to. They were my children and my responsibility so I got on with it - it was tough, yes, but it made me who I am today and I feel proud of what I achieved so the answer to your question is No, do not move closer to your daughter, she will cope, and as others have said you do enough already!

Don't move to be nearer your daughter because she wants more help. If she wants to see more of you and spend more time with you that's quite different.
Do you have a good life where you presently live, don't forget you would have to start all over again with friends, clubs, local groups etc. Also, children grow up so quickly and before you know it your daughter won't need your help. You need to have your friends around when that happens.
Is it you who is being selfish or your daughter?

We've all done our bit bringing our own children up and as we get older I believe we've earned the right to do things for ourselves. Yes this will include seeing family but it's not right that your daughter should dictate to you. Put yourself higher up the pecking order, we only have one life and we must enjoy the time we have left. This does not include stressing over trying to please everyone else.