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Should I move?

(73 Posts)
Gailjo Thu 29-Sep-16 19:35:31

Hi, I live three and a half hours away from one of my daughter's who has just had her second child. She keeps asking me to move nearer so that I can help out more often, I currently go to visit once a month and stay for about 5 days. My husband's mother has just lost her husband and he does not want to move. I really want to please my daughter and my husband. I am very stressed by the whole situation. I have another daughter and son who live in different parts of the country. What should I do?

tanith Thu 29-Sep-16 19:51:15

If its going to mean leaving your MIL on her own I can understand why he doesn't want to leave her and move a long way away. Could you have a chat with your daughter and explain how difficult this is for you, surely she would understand.

Nelliemoser Thu 29-Sep-16 20:08:27

Don't do anything in a hurry. My DD keeps hinting that I move nearer her but I have a lot of roots down where I live now. The area I live in is flat and rural. My daughter lives in a hilly city. I am getting older walking about could more easily become a problem.
I could just present myself as a ready childminder but I value my independence. And many more such reservations.

rosesarered Thu 29-Sep-16 20:09:37

Stay where you are for the time being.It sounds as if you are already doing a lot for your daughter.

thatbags Thu 29-Sep-16 20:54:11

I think your first duty is to your husband, gailjo. Perhaps you could tell your daughter that. And, as rosesarered said, you are already doing quite a lot for your daughter going for five days every month.

How old is your daughter's first child? Is it a short gap between her first and second children?

Luckygirl Thu 29-Sep-16 20:59:26

And how would you square it with your other children that you have moved nearer to help one of them?

If your OH does not want to leave his mother without support then that seems to be the most important thing at the moment. I am sure your DD will understand that - and as others have said you are already doing lots.

Two of my DDs live locally and I help them lots (and indeed they help us!); another lives about 3 hours away and she accepts that we cannot be a help to her in the same way.

Maybe, dare I say it(?) your DD could move nearer you if she wants your help.

Deedaa Thu 29-Sep-16 21:14:28

As your daughter's children get older she is going to need less help, but as your husband's mother gets older she is going to need more help. Just a thought ..........

Gailjo Thu 29-Sep-16 21:35:52

Thank you for your advice, I think I need to stop feeling guilty for not being able to do what my daughter wants at the moment. I do not mind the travelling.

Penstemmon Thu 29-Sep-16 21:40:04

Always a tough call when you feel so pulled in different directions. Does you DD have a network of pals where she lives or is she isolated? Is she hoping you can offer more consistent childcare if you lived nearer so she could eventually go back to work? All those types of questions need to be considered for their long term impact on your life if you did choose to move. Meanwhile your DH is coping with supporting his mum. Who is supporting the two of you?
I suspect your DD is feeling all the pressures that mums of 2nd babes do in the first few months so if it was me I would not rush to any decisions. Do you have a good enough relationship with DD to say that as she is one of many demands on your time and there will be no hasty decisions about major life changes?!

grannypiper Fri 30-Sep-16 15:21:40

Your Daughter is a big girl now who chose to have a baby, it is up to her to look after the baby Not you.

merlotgran Fri 30-Sep-16 15:52:21

When the children grow up you will be redundant. You may need care yourself. Will your daughter be so keen to return the favour?

Christinefrance Fri 30-Sep-16 16:27:06

Deedaa is right, your help will be needed for your Mother in law. I think you are offering a great deal of help with the five days, so need to consider moving in my opinion.

Christinefrance Fri 30-Sep-16 16:27:48

Sorry should be no need to consider etc

bikergran Fri 30-Sep-16 17:11:44

also if you move nearer to DD what if in the future they decide to move! will you follow them...

phoenix Fri 30-Sep-16 17:26:50

Hello? "I really want to please my daughter and my husband" ???????

Do you not count anywhere in this equation?

middleagespread Fri 30-Sep-16 19:52:57

Gailjo, please yourself, then you'll be happier and everyone wins.

NfkDumpling Fri 30-Sep-16 20:59:15

She wants more help? How much help does she have in mind? You're already there five days a month full time so she gets overnight help. Time to catch up her sleep. And I bet when you leave she's all up to date with washing, cleaning and ironing. Did you get that much help from your mum? I certainly didn't!

Gailjo Fri 30-Sep-16 21:45:51

Thank you for all your replys. I have no good friends I can talk to about this so your advice has been very valuable. I think you are right Nelliemoser when you say I should not do anything in a hurry, There are two years between the two grandchildren and I agree with Penstemmon that my daughter is feelings a lot of pressure. I love where I live, despite the lack of friends. What you said bikergran, my husband has said. Midleagespread, I don't know how to please myself. When I do something like that I feel guilty. I know it's stupid but that is how I gave always been. I do need to be strong and think of myself and my husband. I do know that deep down. Thank you x

Penstemmon Fri 30-Sep-16 22:03:22

I was lucky that my mum offered to look after my daughter when I went back to work p/t. I have paid that forward to my DDs and choose to look after my 4 DGCs 2 x week. Each of us have different commitments and attitudes to how much help /support parents are able or ought to be providing for adult children.

We do not know the circumstances of the OPs DD and maybe she does need more support. If gailjo does not want to move then maybe helping DD to find other support near her would be a good compromise.

LesleyC Sat 01-Oct-16 09:11:04

I would definitely say stay where you are. You obviously like the area and are coming under pressure from your daughter, even without adding in the pressure of your husband's mother being on her own. I know someone who moved nearer to her daughter in another part of the country and came back a year later. She found it harder to make new friends, missed her social life and was at the beck and call of her daughter. Her life wasn't her own. Why does an adult daughter think you should disrupt your entire life to help her gailjo? You do a very reasonable amount 5 days a month.

EEJit Sat 01-Oct-16 09:12:58

Do YOU want to move? Answer that and then you'll know what to do.

radicalnan Sat 01-Oct-16 09:16:05

Would your daughter be able to give you any cast iron guarantee that she will never move? Of course she cant do that, who knows where life may take us. Stay where you are happy. I think she is lucky to get as much support from you as she does and is being rather selfish to even suggest you move.

Gagagran Sat 01-Oct-16 09:21:07

We have moved twice to be near our children and grandchildren. The first time we moved 200 miles south and were within easy reach of both.Then both moved with their jobs and DS's move was to Germany.

We stayed where we had first moved to for 9 years then moved again in 2012 to be near DD following a serious illness of DH and to help her with childcare and so she could help us as we get doddery.That was discussed at length before the last move.

Both moves meant leaving friends and the active lives we had but family has always been far more important to me than friends and neither of us have any regrets. We are very close to our DGC and see lots of them. DS and his family are now back in London but we could never have afforded to live there. At least transport to see them is easy by rail or road.

I think decisions which are life-changing like this need thought and discussion with all affected family members. It has worked well for us and we have enjoyed both our new locations after many years in the North.

embo32 Sat 01-Oct-16 09:23:57

You do more than enough for her already. I would have killed for one day a week!! How many days does she expect if you move?

embo32 Sat 01-Oct-16 09:24:53