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To much to soon

(17 Posts)
Zandra01 Sun 02-Oct-16 12:58:16

Since my daughter started secondary school she changed over night.
She mixed the wrong company and became disrespectful and would not listen.This was a child who had music lessons. Dances classess many out of school activities.
I ended up with social services on my case for 2 years invading my privacy who confirmed that I was a good mum but she was making the wrong choices I worked endlessly with the school and the authorities. She would dissappear after school, I had to get her out of police stations for stupid things and the list goes on.
As a single parent myself I work hard to give her a nice home, holidays and love and I managed to still keep tabs on her the best i could. Everyting I did for her never seemed to be enough.
I supported her through everything where many parents might have given up.
I even sold my house and moved home and area so we could have a fresh start.
Then the bomb shell came. At 15 she came home pregnant I was so disappointed and ashamed. But then she had my lovely granddaughter at 16. She took a year out of education to care for her daughter which she did well. But being a child herself I still had to supervise as they both live at home we me.
She is now in college and also depressed. She has to make new friends which she is not to keen on. She is now 17.
She is receiving counselling and just started taking antidepressants which take a little while to work. Once again we love our children unconditionally I have been going like this for 6 years.
I am so exhausted mentally and physically and was looking forward to a new chapter in my life. I don't go out much and I don't have any friends in my new area but I am trying to build a new life. But I keep hitting theses obstacles with her. She has no relationship with her father. I have a older son who is the opposite to her.
Has anyone been through anything similar and what was the end result.

Swanny Sun 02-Oct-16 15:28:17

Zandra I have no answers for you, just encouragement to keep giving the love you obviously feel for her. Are you working outside the home yourself as well or are you looking after DGD while her mum is at college?

It's obviously been a traumatic 6 years for you all and I hope the little one brings some sunshine into both your lives. It is not a unique situation - my son had his troubles throughout his teenage years and, although I've not experienced the same problems as you, I too know what the inside of a police cell looks like thanks to him (and a court room!). His father and I were divorced by this time but we were both there for him during those years and he eventually turned himself around. He has since achieved a lot and is well-respected in his work and by his peers, and I am very proud of him.

I am sure other gn posters will be able to offer support and advice but in the meantime I send you some (((hugs))) and flowers

Jane10 Sun 02-Oct-16 15:41:05

I suspect you want to be told that everything is going to be ok. Maybe it will but life's a process. There will lots and lots of results. Some will be good, bad or indifferent but there wont be a single 'end result'

Luckygirl Sun 02-Oct-16 16:34:53

Teenage years can be really tough - hang on in there.

LullyDully Sun 02-Oct-16 17:17:16

My boys were difficult at 15+ and I wondered what happened to them.We had a few rocky years. Then in late teens, they came to their senses and went to work ( my dreams were of university). Now they are great, both wonderful fathers. They caught up with their education and both have good careers. If asked if they regret the past they say they learned from their experiences which shaped them.
All I can said is to hang in, keep up your side and she will come through and remember her up bringing. Take care and bear in mind a youngster will follow her own dreams not yours for her. She has made some mistakes and hopefully learn from them . Good luck and keep up your love..

Enjoy your grandchild I am sure she is beautiful.

rubylady Mon 03-Oct-16 03:34:41

Oh Zandra my heart goes out to you. I have just come to the end of seven years of sorting out one thing after another with my DS. He left home ten days ago to go to university. At 11/12 he ended up home schooled because of being assaulted five times in year 7, home schooled for four years then started back at college where he had lovely friends but still became someone I didn't recognise to the nice lad who had left. He started swearing, being abusive to me verbally, once physically, didn't do as I asked much, walked away at times when I was ill. I did get annoyed sometimes and it ended in rows which I called the police and have thrown him out twice.

I too, am a single mum, his dad left him on the doorstep on his eighth birthday and has never seen him since. I think I have copped out for this. I have been a single mum for over 15 years. My daughter did the same when she went to university. She changed. She went all snobby and thought I was beneath her. She is now 28 and still hasn't come round. We haven't spoke for over 2 years now.

All I can say is to make sure that you do not burn yourself out. I have got really poorly these last few years and I am sure that some of it is because I have been trying to do more than I should have. I have tried to compensate for his dad not being in touch and the rest of the family not bothering too. But it has taken its toll on me and I should have looked after myself better. Keep something of yourself for yourself. Your daughter will come out ok in the end, they usually do. I am amazed at my son, he has always been socially awkward and yet he has been out on nights out with the other students a couple of times already and is having a great time. He doesn't want to come home now. It's amazing how much we worry and it all comes out in the wash anyway. Only today have I started to relax a little, it's taken me 10 days. Have your own life, do your own thing, play with your grand daughter and let your daughter find her feet, just be there to listen but don't take things to heart, she will probably change her mind again the next day. Look after you, take care love. PM me if you want. Xxx

whitewave Mon 03-Oct-16 06:09:42

What a kind post ruby

absent Mon 03-Oct-16 06:31:30

Not the same thing and not a pregnant 16-year-old, but I had a pretty horrendous time with absentdaughter from the age of 12 until she was 17. I, too, was a single parent and although I encouraged contact between her and her father, he was pretty damn useless. I just stuck in there, whatever the trouble, anger, violence, stubbornness and stupidity.

Today she is happily married with six lovely children and about to graduate with a degree in Psychology, having achieved straight As all the way through her course. She has many friends who love, respect and admire her, a beautiful home and was recently head hunted for a great job.

Hang on in there. One day she'll probably thank you for doing so.

BlueBelle Mon 03-Oct-16 08:09:23

I can only reiterate what others have said I too was a single mum of three with NO money, time or input from the father Age 12 to leaving home was at times like living a nightmare with no one to share it My first born gave me no real trouble, all the normal worries of going out, parties,etc but she liked learning so school was never a problem my second managed to keep everything away from my door, although I ve since learned he did lots I wouldn't have approved of at all and he didn't do a good job of school, leaving without too much, my third kicked against everything and it was very difficult to try and find the balances of being a loving mum and a dragon she got into boys very early, ran away a couple of times ( only briefly) because she didn't like my rules, messed around at school left with little and I felt myself to be a total failure as a parent and in many ways she put me through hell During that time my lovely Nan who developed Alzheimer's came to live and be looked after by me.
They are now all in their 40 s they ALL have had good careers and good family lives Two went to university in their early 20 s and the one that didn't has worked his way up within his jobs and now earns the most
But it doesn't stop there my grandchildren are all in their teens or almost I can see that same difficult time coming round like the proverbial wheel. Two without a dad ( he died) have reached the kicking out at the whole world stage and 'I know best' they are a total nightmare for their mum who bless her is doing all she can to keep them on the straight and narrow underneath they are sensible just full of hormones and angst. the eldest girl from my youngest child, is doing what her mum did escaping into the arms of a nice but very needy boyfriend morning, noon and night I can watch it all going on I try to help where I can but its a rite of passage, it wasn't so much in our time we worked hard with much less outside influences I do remember when I got into boys I got sneeky and probably hot headed I m sorry Mum and Dad
None of this is really helping expect to let you know Zandra that you are NOT alone and many of us understand totally and hopefully most of the time it does come out ok xx

Zandra01 Mon 03-Oct-16 09:47:48

Thank you all for your helpful comments.
My spirits have lifted.

Maisiejo Mon 03-Oct-16 10:06:32

You sound like a really good mom and I am sure that you will be a wonderful grandparent.
In time your daughter will come to realise this, she has a home and a new family of her own now and seems to be getting help from outside influences which is a good positive thing.
I wish you all the best, family life is stressful at times as I am sure we all know too well.

radicalnan Mon 03-Oct-16 10:07:40

You did your very best no one can do more.

Enjoy your grand daughter and let your daughter find her own way.

I used to work in a hostel for young people estranged from their families, 10 years ago, whatever their accusations against their parents, they are almost all reunited with them now and happily so.

It is a shame, that social services became involved because in my experience, they do very little to help in these situations. It is all horribly normal, like teething or nits. You are not alone.

Be proud of yourself.

Seb2015 Mon 03-Oct-16 10:46:04

Zandra, my heart goes out to you but I can only back up what the others have said. I have 4 children and apart from minor teenage skirmishes all was well with 3 of them. The other was a nightmare - drugs, police etc. Now, at the age of 32 he is a successful businessman. My youngest daughter, who is now 23 was an angel teen but at 17 became depressed - an illness that has been horrific and culminated in her being committed before Christmas last year. Although that was horrendous, it meant that she finally got the right treatment and is now coming through it. There's still a long road to travel but she is so much better now. I'm only telling you this because, like the others, we all want you to know you are not alone and things are very likely to get better as your daughter gets older. Big hugs and flowers because you are still living with it now and I really know how tough that can be xx

meandashy Mon 03-Oct-16 11:01:05

Apart from moving house my life mirrors yours op. My dgc lives with me for 3 yrs now. My dd has finally got her act together & is working. She has wee one sometimes. It can get better, I hope it does. Be strong op 💐

LJP1 Mon 03-Oct-16 12:08:48

You're doing well. You have done all you can and laid the groundwork. Now it is just a case of sticking to it, more of the same - love, love, love - and don't look back till she is 25. It will work so hang on in there and see it through.

I've seen this sort of behaviour several times as a teacher and a foster parent - it's hard work all the way till they are over the hump. Then things settle and usually the problems will fade into insignificance as your relationship matures and you will wonder why it took so long.

Good luck with all your endeavours.

Lyndie Mon 03-Oct-16 14:56:43

I have 4 children. One has 3 children all with different dads. She is not a organised person but loves her children and is doing well and so are the children now but when was it acceptable for dads to just walk away and not look back? I have had to put a lot of time and money in as social services were involved.

Legs55 Mon 03-Oct-16 15:35:40

I feel for you, I have to step-children & my own DD. Step-daughter was already working when I met her my DH, she eventually moved in with her BF, married & has 2 GC, one is doing an Apprenticeship with BAE Systems, other has just started working for Local Council, 2 sensible young people.

Step-son was a nightmare, in trouble with Police, lost his Apprenticeship (printing, supposed to go to College 1 day a week, hated it, didn't tell his boss) & drifted through different jobs, now has a good job through his GF's BiL, 2 GC who I can only describe as undisciplined. Step-son had no respect for his Dad, gave GF a key without asking then moved her in - I couldn't interfere but it upset DH very much.angry

Few ups & downs with my DD but on the whole no more then most teens, at 21 she moved to Devon with friends, is now in a solid relationship & I have lovely DGS. smile

I now have no contact with step-son after DH's Funeral, he tried to interfere when DH was in Hospital & knows better than every-one even Medical Professionals - do I miss him & GC -NO

Hope everything works out for you with DD & DGC flowers