Advice needed re-MIL

I've taken onboard everything posted Daphne, it's been a very supportive thread. However, she insisted on coming home. You'd have to meet her to understand.

I strongly suspect that to be discharged, your MIL said that you and your DH would look after her- not really giving a thought to your needs. I cannot believe that she is being discharged but cannot walk so I imagine that she will have difficulty standing. Late on a Friday evening is not the time to discharge somebody who obviously needs a lot of help from SS.

The good news is, she's still there. It was impossible to bring her home. She'd told them she could cope etc., and they just believed her. DH had a long chat with the ward sister, out of her ear shot, so hopefully things might be going in the right direction.

With luck the hospital will realise that if she goes home with no support she will have a fall within the first 24 hours, probably break something and be taking up a bed for weeks on end. (Been there done that!)

Too late for assessments. By picking hip Polly and her husband will now have assumed full responsibility. She has been discharged into their care.

Her up not hip

She has not been discharged, Jayanna.

You'd think the hospital should make sure there is suitable aftercare but they are usually in too much of a hurry to make swift discharges.

When my Elderly frail Mum was discharged from hospital into my care at my house the hospital bent over backwards to put everything in place before she came home . It was all done in two days , special bed delivered, commode , medication sorted , carers arranged 3 times a day . Nurse once a day . I was told that they could not legally discharge her until this was all done . I would have taken her the same day but was advised to wait . I am disabled with Motor nerve neuropathy and various other problems but managed perfectly well . It must be terrifying for an old person , however much you dislike them , to be in this position . Why has a care package not been put in place ? it seems very odd . Speak to the ward sister to find out why ! You would not be expected to lift her or a wheelchair . Porters are on 24/7 and would do this as part of their job .

When my mother was suffering from a severe dementia and wasn't eating and weighed only 5 stone I managed to have her admitted to hospital because I couldn't cope and was struggling. Once she was in hospital she improved a lot and was eventually reasonably happy in a Home for dementia sufferers. Hospitals will lean heavily on relations who are willing to help out. I remember there was always something major for me to sort out when I visited. Staff are overstretched but if you simply can't cope they will put other resources in place. Do talk to the Ward Sister or anyone you can find. This can sometimes be difficult because staff seem to disappear when you want them but do persist. This is a frightening time for all concerned and you do have to make your feelings clear so that you and your dh and mil feel safe. You are not alone. A lot of us have been in this situation.

I agree that a specialist care home is vital for someone with dementia , for there own safety and care needs .

Has she got any money? If so get on to a care agency and get them to send someone round to help her. If you are not well yourself and can't or even don't want to help (not wanting to help does not make you a monster, just human) then someone else has to step in.

If you are providing any care assistance then you are entitled to an assessment for yourself and SS should provide this, as it may help with respite etc. They may say you are not well enough and DH doesn't sound as if he needs any more on his plate either.

Going to the hospital to collect someone is just asking for trouble, they want to un-block the beds asap but no point doing that if the care package isn't in place and will damage the health of people who are landed with the care role.

If she does have money get her to go to a convalescent home, until care can be set in motion at home. People can do much better when they build themselves back up and get their confidence back, it is money well spent.

Older people want to hang on tot heir money (dad did) and it was hard to make him have any help, although he could afford it.

Does she get attendance allowance? If not apply so you can buy in a bit of support at least, its not much but every little helps.

Good luck sounds so stressful and that is the last things you need.

If you have enabled her to discharge herself from the hospital by collecting her then it will be more difficult to get support unless she is prepared to pay for it I think. If your DH had refused to collect her then I am sure the hospital and social services would have had to put a care package together before she was discharged. Don't be bullied into caring, make it clear that she needs to find professionals for that, but do continue to visit (short but frequent ish).
Good luck and enjoy your caravning

When she is next admitted (as no doubt she will be) then you will know not to chauffeur her home, but to insist on the proper assessments and care package being in place first.

Just because she is home it does not mean that she is not entitled to a full Community Care Assessment (and Carers' Assessment) and the instatement of the assessed care package. You can refer to social services as her carers.

So many elderly people make the assumption that their families will do all the caring and stubbornly refuse care. It is because they are understandably afraid of change. But it really does sound as if you should not be providing the care, as your health is not good.

Do seek help from social services. I know MIL will cut up, but I cannot tell you how many times during my career I saw this scenario - and how many times the elderly person finally became great pals with their allocated carers!

I cannot believe this! I dont want to be harsh but the facts are quite plain! Your husband has agreed to collect here, thereby accepting responsibility for her and now you will both just have to find a way to cope. I doubt you will get any co-operation from any of the usual authorities, they are only too happy to hand over to you, which is exactly what they have done. Recently, an 87 year old I know, similar character to your mil was being discharged from hospital into the care of her 83 year old neighbour, as she had said "My neighbour will look after me"!!!! Fortunatrly, the neighbours family intervened as she was very incapable of even looking after herself, and the patient went into care home until a home support care package had been arranged.

But he has NOT agreed to pick her up - she told them that he would, and that she could cope, and they believed her, but he has now spoken to them and she is still in hospital.

I was carer for a parent and I had years of pushed, forced and downright bullied discharges. There were also loads of failed duscharged. My caring ended in death within 6 months I was duagnosed with illnesses for which there is no cure. This is why I have no respect for NHS or SS. They came accross as uncaring and foolish. They may have gained a bed for a day or two but they also gained a patient for the rest of my life. Given my experiences I would not want to be shuffled in and out of hospitals. I have researched Dignitas.
SPF

PollyParrot I do hope your MiL is still in Hospital, don't let them discharge her without a full assessment & care package. I'm glad your DH has spoken to Ward Sister as they only have what your MiL has told them unless you speak up, get name of Social Worker, make sure assessments have been done, Occupational Therapy will need to assess what equipment she needs & whether she can manage.

When my DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer I was asked if he could come home, he was bed-ridden, this was just before Christmas, luckily I was with the Pallative Care Nurse when this was suggested, the look of horror on my face must have shown, my own DM had come for Christmas (occupying spare room) & she had her own health problems, he was quickly moved to a local Nursing Home where he died less than 2 months later

My own situation last year after 5 weeks in Hospital (severe Pneumonia), before my discharge I was assessed by OTs to make sure I was fully mobile (I live on my own although DD is only 20 mins away she has DGS & her OH to care for). Hospital Social Worker also discussed my return home & OT came a hour after my return home with all items I may need to make my life easier (raised toilet seat & shower stool), some equipment was not suitable in my small home but I manage well.

You must emphasise your own position & health problems (worst case scenario - can't assist our MiL to walk etc, can't be there 24/7), maybe it's time for a Care Home, it sounds like whatever you do will be wrong

Fingers crossed but don't be pushed into something you can't cope with

Pleased to hear that your DH had that word and she is not now being discharged into his care.

But beware she doesn't try to discharge herself. Unless she is diagnosed as mentally incompetent she has that right. Hopefully she doesn't know this.

Step back (Pollyparrot) and think what's best for your MiL, you and your husband. How did your MiL walk before she went into hospital or has her mobility deteriorated while in hospital. If she's unable to walk now how will she get about her home? Now that your DH has gone to collect her he'll be expected to manage her mobility and all else. Best to phone the emergency Social worker on duty (today) and explain all. In my experience your DH should not have collected his mum before safer measures were in place. It happens though. Meanwhile you may have to pay for several visits by a carer (believe you me it'll be worth it) until the local authority has provided an assessment of needs which really should have been done before your DH agreed to pick her up. Please do not get sucked into all your MiL needs otherwise you too will become unfit - leave the nastiness out of things and look after yourself.

Oops [anya ] didn't see this post. Good no discharge today.

I echo what others are saying. Once you collect her you are lumbered! Not a nice word but it is a huge burden to take on when there is little love involved. Hospitals so often jump at the chance to offload bed blocking patients with no support involved. I was phoned at 8 in the evening to collect an aunt by marriage who I would help out with the garden and invite for Christmas Day because I was sorry for her being left alone in sad circumstances. She had called an ambulance and when I visited her in hospital next day said she was afraid to be at home. She asked me to look after her money and keys. Her son rarely visited and had moved 5 hours away.
I refused to collect her, not least because I had no bed for her and had enough problems at home already.
At 10pm they phoned me again to ask me to meet an ambulance at her house some 20 minutes away to see her in! Cold house, no food, 90 year old aunt on oxygen with no care package in place. I could hardly believe it and I refused point blank. In the morning I spoke to the hospital social worker who apologised and said the ward sister had been desperate for the bed and I fear that old aunt was too timid to object.
I twice had my mother to stay following hospital admissions. She had never made any secret of her feelings about me, her "only child who gave me problems" and it was torture as I was constantly told that she would be better off with any of my siblings, while the fact that I live 70 miles from her home made setting up a care package for her an arduous business with long car trips.
It's different if there is love there or if you are of a saintly disposition but very hard if not.

As others have said she should be assessed for living on her own and some sort of support care put in place. Is a short term care home place a possibility until you sort out a long term solution?

Difficult though it is, your DH is his mums next of kin so sorting this out will be down to him. We got carers set up to go in a few times a day to my MIL as we were still working and my SD went into a brilliant care home on temporary basis until he was well enough to come home after hospital stay. Is either of these possible. If she owns her own house then maybe residential care is a possibility but obviously it will need to be sold to pay for it.

I don't know if they have one where you live but in Staffordshire there is a scheme where an old or disabled person can have their own place with bathroom, sitting room and bedroom, with their own bits and pieces, but it is warden controlled and meals are provided either by the warden or meals on wheels. When visitors arrive to see the old/disabled person they first must book in at the wardens window. He/she will 'phone through to the old/disabled person to see if he is 'at home' for visitors or not. It works for a relative of mine, it might work for you. Look around and see if there is anything like that around where you are. Any medicines they need are given by the warden or a district nurse who calls regularly to make sure the patient is coping. Your role would then be to visit when you can, take things she needs like toothpaste or night dresses etc and generally be around if needed. If you want to go on holiday just give the warden prior warning that you will be away on certain dates.

My mil was a nasty lady , she had 5 lovely children and in laws and a lot of grandchildren , she would try and make trouble between all her children , I carnt count the times she said ' don't come to my house again ' she ended up in a nursing home after being discharged from hospital because nobody could cope with her . She missed so much , had such a lovely family and grandchildren she hardly new . It was always poor old her . You have my sympathy , make sure you think of yourselves first. My mum was a lovely lady , wouldn't upset or hurt anyone and was loved by all her children grandchildren and great grandchildren