Advice needed re-MIL

Pleased to hear that your DH had that word and she is not now being discharged into his care.

But beware she doesn't try to discharge herself. Unless she is diagnosed as mentally incompetent she has that right. Hopefully she doesn't know this.

PollyParrot I do hope your MiL is still in Hospital, don't let them discharge her without a full assessment & care package. I'm glad your DH has spoken to Ward Sister as they only have what your MiL has told them unless you speak up, get name of Social Worker, make sure assessments have been done, Occupational Therapy will need to assess what equipment she needs & whether she can manage.

When my DH was diagnosed with terminal cancer I was asked if he could come home, he was bed-ridden, this was just before Christmas, luckily I was with the Pallative Care Nurse when this was suggested, the look of horror on my face must have shown, my own DM had come for Christmas (occupying spare room) & she had her own health problems, he was quickly moved to a local Nursing Home where he died less than 2 months later

My own situation last year after 5 weeks in Hospital (severe Pneumonia), before my discharge I was assessed by OTs to make sure I was fully mobile (I live on my own although DD is only 20 mins away she has DGS & her OH to care for). Hospital Social Worker also discussed my return home & OT came a hour after my return home with all items I may need to make my life easier (raised toilet seat & shower stool), some equipment was not suitable in my small home but I manage well.

You must emphasise your own position & health problems (worst case scenario - can't assist our MiL to walk etc, can't be there 24/7), maybe it's time for a Care Home, it sounds like whatever you do will be wrong

Fingers crossed but don't be pushed into something you can't cope with

I was carer for a parent and I had years of pushed, forced and downright bullied discharges. There were also loads of failed duscharged. My caring ended in death within 6 months I was duagnosed with illnesses for which there is no cure. This is why I have no respect for NHS or SS. They came accross as uncaring and foolish. They may have gained a bed for a day or two but they also gained a patient for the rest of my life. Given my experiences I would not want to be shuffled in and out of hospitals. I have researched Dignitas.
SPF

But he has NOT agreed to pick her up - she told them that he would, and that she could cope, and they believed her, but he has now spoken to them and she is still in hospital.

I cannot believe this! I dont want to be harsh but the facts are quite plain! Your husband has agreed to collect here, thereby accepting responsibility for her and now you will both just have to find a way to cope. I doubt you will get any co-operation from any of the usual authorities, they are only too happy to hand over to you, which is exactly what they have done. Recently, an 87 year old I know, similar character to your mil was being discharged from hospital into the care of her 83 year old neighbour, as she had said "My neighbour will look after me"!!!! Fortunatrly, the neighbours family intervened as she was very incapable of even looking after herself, and the patient went into care home until a home support care package had been arranged.

When she is next admitted (as no doubt she will be) then you will know not to chauffeur her home, but to insist on the proper assessments and care package being in place first.

Just because she is home it does not mean that she is not entitled to a full Community Care Assessment (and Carers' Assessment) and the instatement of the assessed care package. You can refer to social services as her carers.

So many elderly people make the assumption that their families will do all the caring and stubbornly refuse care. It is because they are understandably afraid of change. But it really does sound as if you should not be providing the care, as your health is not good.

Do seek help from social services. I know MIL will cut up, but I cannot tell you how many times during my career I saw this scenario - and how many times the elderly person finally became great pals with their allocated carers!

If you have enabled her to discharge herself from the hospital by collecting her then it will be more difficult to get support unless she is prepared to pay for it I think. If your DH had refused to collect her then I am sure the hospital and social services would have had to put a care package together before she was discharged. Don't be bullied into caring, make it clear that she needs to find professionals for that, but do continue to visit (short but frequent ish).
Good luck and enjoy your caravning

Has she got any money? If so get on to a care agency and get them to send someone round to help her. If you are not well yourself and can't or even don't want to help (not wanting to help does not make you a monster, just human) then someone else has to step in.

If you are providing any care assistance then you are entitled to an assessment for yourself and SS should provide this, as it may help with respite etc. They may say you are not well enough and DH doesn't sound as if he needs any more on his plate either.

Going to the hospital to collect someone is just asking for trouble, they want to un-block the beds asap but no point doing that if the care package isn't in place and will damage the health of people who are landed with the care role.

If she does have money get her to go to a convalescent home, until care can be set in motion at home. People can do much better when they build themselves back up and get their confidence back, it is money well spent.

Older people want to hang on tot heir money (dad did) and it was hard to make him have any help, although he could afford it.

Does she get attendance allowance? If not apply so you can buy in a bit of support at least, its not much but every little helps.

Good luck sounds so stressful and that is the last things you need.

I agree that a specialist care home is vital for someone with dementia , for there own safety and care needs .

When my mother was suffering from a severe dementia and wasn't eating and weighed only 5 stone I managed to have her admitted to hospital because I couldn't cope and was struggling. Once she was in hospital she improved a lot and was eventually reasonably happy in a Home for dementia sufferers. Hospitals will lean heavily on relations who are willing to help out. I remember there was always something major for me to sort out when I visited. Staff are overstretched but if you simply can't cope they will put other resources in place. Do talk to the Ward Sister or anyone you can find. This can sometimes be difficult because staff seem to disappear when you want them but do persist. This is a frightening time for all concerned and you do have to make your feelings clear so that you and your dh and mil feel safe. You are not alone. A lot of us have been in this situation.

When my Elderly frail Mum was discharged from hospital into my care at my house the hospital bent over backwards to put everything in place before she came home . It was all done in two days , special bed delivered, commode , medication sorted , carers arranged 3 times a day . Nurse once a day . I was told that they could not legally discharge her until this was all done . I would have taken her the same day but was advised to wait . I am disabled with Motor nerve neuropathy and various other problems but managed perfectly well . It must be terrifying for an old person , however much you dislike them , to be in this position . Why has a care package not been put in place ? it seems very odd . Speak to the ward sister to find out why ! You would not be expected to lift her or a wheelchair . Porters are on 24/7 and would do this as part of their job .

You'd think the hospital should make sure there is suitable aftercare but they are usually in too much of a hurry to make swift discharges.

She has not been discharged, Jayanna.

Her up not hip

Too late for assessments. By picking hip Polly and her husband will now have assumed full responsibility. She has been discharged into their care.

With luck the hospital will realise that if she goes home with no support she will have a fall within the first 24 hours, probably break something and be taking up a bed for weeks on end. (Been there done that!)

The good news is, she's still there. It was impossible to bring her home. She'd told them she could cope etc., and they just believed her. DH had a long chat with the ward sister, out of her ear shot, so hopefully things might be going in the right direction.

I strongly suspect that to be discharged, your MIL said that you and your DH would look after her- not really giving a thought to your needs. I cannot believe that she is being discharged but cannot walk so I imagine that she will have difficulty standing. Late on a Friday evening is not the time to discharge somebody who obviously needs a lot of help from SS.

I've taken onboard everything posted Daphne, it's been a very supportive thread. However, she insisted on coming home. You'd have to meet her to understand.

She also went from hospital into a rehabilitation centre. She was assessed numerous times and had a care package in place beofre they sent her home. She was in for about 5 months. Something doesn't sound right.

If you or DH can talk to her social worker, she cannot be dischared without one (or atleast thats what happens where i live) make a list of her meds, what is wrong with her, what her mind frame is like, can she take her meds unaided?
What care she needs, that you and DH cant care for her as you had cancer etc.

If she can't walk she will need someone at home. I cant beleive they have sent her home if she isn't mobile! My relative had weeks of rehabilitation and physio before she came home.

Oh dear. You are somewhat stuck now aren't you? Can she live at home? What on earth are you going to do?
Please, please involve occupational,therapy, social services, your GP and the District Nurse service AND organise a visiting carer(s) as an absolute minimum.
It is too late now to say she should not have been discharged, but she shouldn't and all it will take is one fall, perhaps trying to get to,the commode in the night, and she will be back via A&E.
If you get a second chance please take on board all that has been said on here about assessments. Listen to the voices of experience!

Thanks for all the really great advice. My DH is at the hospital right now collecting her. She has insisted she is coming home.

I certainly cannot sign up to look after her. I'm not physically strong following having cancer. She rang me on my mobile this afternoon and left a message begging me to call her. I rang DH and he said not to 'phone her as she would badger me to collect her and I just cannot do it.

I don't know how he'll get her out and into the car. She can't walk and I don't know if there's wheel chairs or porters available at this time in the evening.

Everything is a mess. The GP and the district nurses have been useless although it's really difficult to tell as MIL sabotages what we try and do. She's in a lot of pain and I asked her if she'd told the district nurses. She said she didn't have too, because they knew.

She told DH that the ward was really busy and they needed her bed for someone else. I don't know what will happen next. The trouble is she's extremely difficult.

Thanks again for the support on here.

There has to be a proper discharge plan for vulnerable elderly people. They cannot do this. Say No. Ask to see the assessments.

Been where you are OP.

Has she been discharged? Or has she discharged herself?

Your MIL has might of been assessed and can manage on her own or she has gave them the impression you and your DH will care for her.

She will need to be a assessed and a care package put in place. She will need a social worker. Ss round here are useless so we have got a private care package put in place. It can take months.

I had to empty commodes (they are really heavy) clean, wash/tidy, manage shopping/bills, cook 3 meals and god knows what else for a selfish, rude, self centred relative and there is nothing worse. Do not do it.

It's emotionally and physically draining, make it crystal clear that you have not signed up for it.