Advice needed re-MIL

Quite apart from the pressure on relatives, it may be detrimental for the patient to be pushed into an unsuitable living situation, where they are looked after by people who were unprepared and possibly unable to do it properly.

I have learned a lot from this thread, I didn't realise that such things happened. I sympathise with the OP, there is a vast difference to regular visits and continual caring day after day. Good luck to Polly

My experience is that the ward in hospital will decide the patient no longer needs nursing care but may need 'social care'. They then discharge the patient. This has become more likely as resources have diminished. They should of course ensure a social work assessment has taken place. The social worker would always contact family members.
If that hasn't happened, its up to the family to insist does. Tough, but there it is.

Polly as others have said, your MiL cannot be discharged until there has been a full assessment of her needs and made arrangements for her care.

However, this will not stop hospitals trying to get you to agree to have her discharged to your care without the assessment and the provision of a needs package. It is perhaps useful that you and your DH dislike her so much as emotional blackmail is part of a hospitals armoury for getting patients out without assessment. I had this with an uncle.

The discharge nurse rang me up. She knew how much I cared for my uncle, how much he wanted to get out, couldn't I manage to perhaps have him home to convalesce with me for a few weeks, etc etc. Fortunately my uncle's GP practise had an excellent psychiatric nurse who had already been in touch and warned me that this would happen, so I just said, no, no, no, my uncle's discharge must follow proper procedures. In the end it was agreed he needed to move to a care home and when a place was found he was discharged.

If you pick her up you will be designated her main carer and once she is in your care you will find it very difficult to get any help. Believe me, I know. I hope that by now you have told the hospital that you and your husband cannot take on this responsibility. Please let us know.
She will continue to behave in a vile way towards your husband and there will be no escape.

My mother fell and broke her arm a couple of years ago. She does virtually nothing for herself even though there was a time when she, could but preferred my step father and now since he died, my brother who lives with her to do it all.

SS did a home visit to say what, if any aids were required but before these were put in place, the hospital 'phoned my brother saying she was coming home that afternoon. I spoke to the ward Sister and said the house wasn't ready and she told me she needed the bed and couldn't be expected to keep my mum there because SS were behind.

I told her that if they sent my mum home, I'd send her straight back (poor mum). Miraculously a bed was found for her in a nursing home where she stayed for 2 weeks.

Several years ago she got bowel cancer and has been left with an illyostomy (sorry, don't know the correct spelling) and has a lot of problems with her personal hygiene. My brother bless him, helps her with the unpleasant duties when things go wrong but it's my understanding that there are some tasks a son shouldn't be expected to undertake for his mother due to the embarrassment caused to both parties, if both aren't comfortable with the arrangement.

I don't know, but perhaps emptying a commode would be viewed in this way.

I'm sorry for your dilemma pollyparrot and hope that a resolution can be found.

It sounds as if she told them that it was OK, that her son and DIL would be able to care for her but perhaps I'm wrong.

I know a very elderly relative was kept in hospital for a while recently until a care home could be found for her; there was only her very elderly husband at home and no very close relatives.
They need to set up a care package before she is discharged.

I had to do all that for my DM but it is different when it's your own mother.

pollyparrot, hope your ok,sounds like you have been a saint but there is only so much one person can take, tell the hospital to sort it.

Calm down pollyparrot if you read my post you will see that I also asked about an assessment regarding your MIL's ability to live alone.
You say none has been done and seem to assume that your DH /you are responsible for your MIL's personal care - -all or nothing. Emptying a commode is the least of it, but there are those (usually) wonderful underpaid people called Carers.
Insist on this assessment being done, have the house assessed for disability aids and carer needs. If she has nursing needs, depending on why she was in hospital this may be met out of Continuing Care, but that is a minefield and requires tenacity.
You(or she) may have to pay for it depending on your MIL's means but that is hardly asking too much for someone reliable who will relieve you of this responsibility.
So stop panicking, and if you can, try to separate out feelings of animosity from some feelings of pity for an old woman - crabby or not - whomis fiercely independent in her mind, butt sadly no longer in her body.

I think MIL does want to come home and I don't blame her for that, hospitals are horrible places. I do feel sorry for her but I can't really do much myself. I don't want to put pressure on DH, he has to make his own decisions in light of their very strained relationship.

Thanks for the advice ladies, it's very much appreciated.

I would ask the hospital Discharge Co-Ordinator and or the hospital social worker to ring me and just tell them you cannot will not pick her up - its not your responsibility they have the duty of care.

I would call the hospital and ask to speak to the ward sister, explain your circumstances and ask why MIL is being discharged when a care package is not in place.
As the call came from MIL it could be she who just wants to get out of the hospital.
Make it clear that you are not able to be a full time carer to MIL, the hospital my Mother was in before DS2 found a good care home for her were constantly calling me to ask if I could 'just look after her until a care home was found'.
Or call the local SS yourself and explain the situation, the local council were very helpful and approachable with my Mum.

Jesus Daphne, you wouldn't believe how nasty she can be. It's ok you feeling sorry for her, you haven't the least idea what's she like. And it's nothing to do with her age, she been nasty for years. Spiteful, manipulative, scheming, secretive, down right rude, hurtful, critical, and that's all on a good day. My DH is an absolute saint to still have anything to do with her.

Thanks for all the really lovely helpful advice everyone.

If there is no care plan in place then your MiL cannot be discharged from hospital. If she lives on her own the hospital Social care dept will have to get carers in place before discharge. We all know that hospitals are up against it, trying to discharge patients before they are really ready, to free up beds, but this is not your fault. If she cannot walk then frankly a commode is not much use anyway. Do not be bullied by the hospital or by your MiL into taking responsibility for her care, you have your own health and life to live, visiting, shopping etc are one thing but care of an immobile grumpy old woman ( sorry) who likely will not be grateful is taking it too far.

Oh you made it perfectly clear, pollyparrot.
Poor DM/MIL.

No assessments have been made. Caring for his DM personal needs is just a step too far for DH. Perhaps I didn't make it clear how unhappy he is with her.

I assume a home assessment has been done by occupational therapy or SS, if not, she cannot be discharged unless conditions at home are acceptable. If she can't walk you would not be expected to literally pick her up!
Has a system of careers been set in place? Commodes and other "aids" are generally delivered to the patient's property. So what is being set up for her care when, for instance you are away?
Finally you seem very worried about emptying a commode, saying it's "not DH's bag" - sadly that can be the least of the indignities an elderly person can experience.

The hospital wants her discharged and is hoping that some relatives or friends will feel obliged to take responsibility.

If you are not able to take on doing the care that your MiL needs, make sure she knows that, and do not go to collect her.

Ask her to tell the hospital to make sure that proper care arrangements are made for her before she goes home.