Difficulties with grandchildren's nanny (employed person, not other grandparent).

Why do mum and dad have to work so hard? Is it for the kids or their own egos
Well, why should a woman have to give up a hard-earned career if she wants to carry on working?
One of my young relatives employed nannies for a long time and DD does occasionally when pressure of work increases.
What's so different between that and paying a large amount for nursery?

I don't see why a grandmother has 'a perfect right' to see her grandchildren at any time. They are her children's children, not hers and they've employed a Nanny for child-care during the week as they both work.

What's the problem with only seeing them at weekends? Lots of grans who aren't retired have to make do with that, and think of all those whose families live hundreds of miles away.

Stop making waves. You aren't 'entitled' to anything. Sorry to sound harsh, but really...

You ask if others have had this experience. I have with an au pair which is a little different from a nanny & they are abroad so we don't visit that often but are at close quarters when we do. I can empathise however to some extent. DS & DiL had their first au pair in Jan - someone who worked in the same building as her mother in NZ. As we understand the importance of regular routines for GC whose parents wre at work we were careful not to get in the way of the relationship she had with the kids. However, there were too many times when we felt she was purposely cutting us out & snatched the baby when we went to change his nappy. It made us aware of how important such activities were to bonding with GS2 who didn't know us so well. She was very OTt & loud in the way she handled the boys & at first they responded well. We didn't say too much as we weren't there ling but I did mention a couple of things to DS. I was so relieved when she left ahalf way through her contract & so were DS & DiL as they were about to sack her. She had started reprimanding GS1 in an aggressive way & cut across his parents in a similar way to your nanny. Her room was a tip & she didn't do what was agrred in the house so they had to keep the cleaner on. She'd also helped herself to their special luxury food kept for special occasions.

They are now using an agency & have a lovely young woman from Tunisia who is brilliant & melts into the background when appropriate. Mind you DS found her cultural tendency to be subservient very difficult to begin with though by the end if the year I think she will have gained more than the language. She is already determined not to return home just to be a subservient wife, having learnt so much from DiL's & her German cousins' lives.
I hope that helps mutti.

Ana

The post says she can't see the grandchildren at weekends because parents of the children socialise at weekends. This is one of the problems here.

I also don't think she is making waves - seems to me she's pretty upset about not being able to see her grandchildren at all, due to the Nanny.

mutti - is this Nanny English ? It is surely irrelevant what her other nanny friends think. If you stop your visits in the week you will then not see your grandchildren at all, which isn't right.

The nanny sounds horrible !!!!

The daughter and son-in-law should step in and sort this out. Most grandparents would be horrified if their access to DGCs was dictated by a nanny. There has to be a compromise somewhere.

Even if she's Mary Poppins personnified, she won't be there for ever. She could find another job and leave them in the lurch and I wonder who would be called upon for support if that happens?

Thank you everyone for your incredibly supportive and helpful comments. Jalima, you're right.. this isn't the same daughter as the one who's recently had the baby - all is going brilliantly there and within that family dynamic. I have only ever started three threads, including this current one, and it was only when I remembered how helpful most of the comments to that previous thread had been that I thought of putting this issue out there to you all.
Flossieturner, this is indeed the approach which DH and I have decided on. I was feeling very emotional when I made the original post yesterday evening, after a disastrous encounter with the nanny followed by cross words from my daughter, and it has definitely been helpful to read everyone's wise comments and to feel the very real concern out there in the GN community.
DH is taking on the role of a mediator (I do appreciate how lucky I am to have him) and we are going to see if we can meet with our daughter & son-in-law for a calm & sensible discussion to find the best way forward. I don't know when - or even if - that will happen (though I believe & trust that it will), but if people are interested, I could let you know in time how it goes. Thank you again.

Neither I or my DC have ever had nannies but what I do know is that the time you spend with your DGC is up to the parents not you. You can ask but it is the parents right as to how much contact you have. I understand your need and desire to see your DGC but it sounds to me as though your DD and SIL are very reliant on the nanny to look after their children so they can work. You don't seem to have concerns about her care of the children just over her control of your visits.

Is it possible for you to suggest to your DD that you (and possibly other GP) have the children one day/morning/afternoon a week/fortnight without the nanny.

Don't forget that for the nanny, this is her job. I was never a nanny but I was a childminder for many years and when grandparents came to visit, mum and dad made it very clear they wanted me to still come and look after the children in the same way even when GP were still there. This is a bit difficult as you develope a routine with the children and also GP might not agree with how the minder or nanny looks after the children. I was fortunate in getting on with both sets of GP for the children I looked after.

As you and the nanny obviously have issues, could you not agree with your DD a set period when you look after children on your own. Obviously, you would have to do this without letting them down otherwise they would be stuck with no one to look after the children. P.S, I would not have wanted to go out with the GP when looking after someone else's children. I have my own social circle.

Whatever the outcome, I hope you get to see your GC on a reasonably regular basis. (once a week is lovely but a lot of GN don't get to see GC more than once a month)

Yes, your DD and SIL are the ones who should decide; perhaps they will be more accessible at the weekends (or find another nanny!)

I think there may be a missed point here. Lots of advice regarding grandparents rights, role of the nanny, parents working etc etc. Has anyone stopped to think what it is actually like for these children in this atmosphere. That's the most important part of the equation for me. Some of the alleged language used by this nanny towards the children rings alarm bells for me ..................

Actually, you can't be too careful when you are leaving your precious children in the care of others.

the nanny has argued my daughter into only sending her three mornings a week even though she has to pay for five.

She is, though, planning to take the GCs to visit her own sister & family.

I presume she has been vetted.

mutti Neither words of wisdom nor outrage from me, purely (((hugs))) to you both and the other grandmother. It sounds as though the parents and nanny of these little ones are either ignorant or unaware of the precious bond between children and grandparents. Some of us are lucky and see each other regularly, others can only afford to visit rarely or have to rely on letters and skype/phone calls. I wish you well in finding an acceptable way forward that suits children, parents and grandparents

Mutti, I do agree with what Crafting has said. Sadly, as we know only too well, grandparents don't have an automatic right to see their grandchildren and you do need to tread carefully.
Let your husband mediate but, under no circumstances would I criticise the Nanny. Your daughter and son in law are dependent upon her and it does sound like she has them over the proverbial barrel.
I would try and keep things simple, obviously asking how they are, how work is going etc. Then, perhaps you could say that you have seen some sort of activity advertised (swimming or something similar) that you would like to take the children to and would this be possible once a week/fortnight or whenever.
As much as I agree the Nanny is out of order I honestly feel any negative comments about her will go down like a lead balloon and your only hope is to be nice (should I say smarmy) to them

I so agree that u have to tread carefully, you really don't want your daughter feeling defensive. However, I wonder if it would be possible to show your daughter this whole thread. Apart from a couple of posts which I feel are a bit strong (sorry!) maybe it would do her.good to see that the overwhelming feeling is that the nanny is completely out of order (& even possibly a bad influence, at best, on her children.
The only other point I would like to make is that I do feel it is irrelevant if other Grandparents don't see their gc as much, this has obviously been right for your family up until now & so perfectly reasonable to expect time with them still. Good luck x

I'm sorry but I would have it straight out with your daughter. We no longer live in Victorian days where Nanny ruled the roost. Her behaviour is absolutely inexcusable and as for the idea of you having to arrange a day and time to see the children, that is unbelievable.

As has been suggested, it may be that your daughter would prefer you not to spend too much time with them, in which case you will sadly have to accept it. If, on the other hand, she has not realised the full extent of Nanny's dictatorial attitude, she may wake up to what has been happening. There are plenty of other nannies and I'm sure you and the other grandma would be happy to bridge the gap until a replacement is found.

joannewton46 i dont think many parents would be brave enough to ask their child what they thought of childcare staff, the truth hurts !

First and foremost like many others have said this nanny sounds like a control freak and I d be VERY VERY concerned. If she is saying very decisive things to the children in front of you it beggars belief what she is saying or doing when no ones around and she surely doesn't want anyone around for some reason

Secondly and this is going to sound critical of your daughter and son in law but if they have highly stressful, full on working lives and they like to socialise at weekends where do the children fit into this equation I guess it's me but I can never understand how some people have such important lives that they've allow someone else, a complete stranger, to bring up their children.

You sound far too sensible to "show your daughter this thread". Most likely, the things that would stick in her mind would be some of the extreme opinions expressed and the very judgemental opinions about the Nanny, your Dd and SiL based on just a few lines from a GM with genuine concerns. I think she would be quite insulted.

Your DD and SIL obviously see their children thriving under this Nanny, they would not employ her otherwise.

Can't agree with your last sentence, Flossieturner. The SIL's mother has already been scared off by the nanny. Does he not care about that and won't the children be missing out on the lack of contact with her?

No way would either of my daughters allow an employee to drive a wedge between us and our DGCs.

I respect what you say merlotgran .This is why Gransnet is so great. Everyone is allowed a voice to express their opinion. Nowhere in real life would we be able to contact such a diverse range of people to help us with our problems. I find, in real life, people sometimes say what they think you want to hear, rather than give a true opinion.

This situation doesn't just reflect your loss - your grandchildren are also losing out too!
Grandparents who are loving and caring play a very crucial role in children's lives.

I cannot resist saying that if anyone, no matter who they were, spoke to my mother like that, they would regret it. Given her capacity for rudeness, I don't believe that this nanny is fit for purpose. I also think there is definitely a "behind closed doors" agenda with her.

I really hope that you will resolve this and your daughter takes everything into account.

Oh what a difficult situation and I sincerely hope you manage to all come to some sort of an agreement that works for everyone, but most importantly you maintain regular contact with your grandchildren. The role of a grandparent is to be a link between children and parents, telling them stories about their mummy and daddy when they were young, being able to play and enjoy the grandchildren without the pressure that they had when they were parents themselves, trying to juggle lots of balls in the air, ( and in my case usually failing miserably) In other words, be part of their lives, their history ! All too soon they grow up and are busy at Uni or whatever but its good if there has been a special bond created when they were younger.

I have two grandchildren, whom I see every other week, because I look after them one day a week. On the weeks the other grandparents step in, I arrange a day to suit my daughter when we can come and simply be grandparents/parents rather than childminders.

I genuinely hope this all works out for you, I have a sneaking suspicion and I hope I'm wrong but your daughter and son in law is between a rock and a hard place, and if this nanny is otherwise perfect and allows her and her husband to work with peace of mind and come home to a well organised household, then be prepared for conflict of interest and the need for compromise, However, it has to be discussed and its imperative for you all to be able to move forward in a way that suits everyone. Mention some of the excellent suggestions from other posters here would be a good starting point .

On a lighter note, I wonder does Carol Middleton have this kind of problem ?

I think the grandmother should just continue to turn up unannounced, and ignore the Nanny complaining, just enjoy the sort of interaction she wants with her grandchildren. I suggest she takes them out of the house for an educational trip out. She has to make some sort of stand otherwise she risks not seeing them at all. This is such a ridiculous situation.

Do we know how old the grandchildren are ?