Difficulties with grandchildren's nanny (employed person, not other grandparent).

Elegran, it didn't all happen in the space of half an hour. It only occurred to me to ask gransnetters for advice yesterday because a fairly long-standing situation unfortunately erupted when I let my feelings show, ill-advisedly I know. It was a case of a minor thing being the final straw. But indeed I wish I had just put on a social face and let it go. That would have been the gracious - and far wiser - thing to do.
I first started visiting weekly, under a previous nanny's dispensation, in order to help by minding the baby while the then nanny took the older child swimming, then later I ended up taking older child swimming. That nanny developed knee problems and really welcomed a second bod around. We are actually a close family (though I realise it may not sound like it!); DH & I babysit enthusiastically when asked and help out in crises: for example, when one nanny left suddenly, I stayed there to look after the children until another nanny was found; last year the children stayed with DH & me for a week because this current nanny wanted a particular week off when my daughter & son-in-law had to do something else. I say this, not to polish my halo (!), but to try to give a rounded picture.
I get on very well with the other grandma but she is a gentle soul - older than me and a widow, so without a husband to sound off to! - who avoids conflict and, though deeply loving of the DGs and very good with them, accepts that she just won't see them as much as she would wish. We are both concerned that the current nanny wields undue influence. The other grandmother finds it difficult to talk to her son and I find the same - though not so bad - with this one daughter (with my other daughter communication is easy).
As you all say, discussion is now the only way forward as the difficulty can't be swept under the carpet any longer. And DH & I know we will have to accept whatever our daughter & son-in-law decide. This nanny is defensive & controlling but she runs the household efficiently (I don't think she has anything to hide, btw) so maybe I have to take more of a 'what will be will be attitude'. DH and I intend to listen to our daughter & son--in-law and we hope they will listen a bit to us too. We should have had a discussion about it before and actually I think I tried once but it became heated and confused so I backed off. My daughter & son-in-law always seem tired & stressed which doesn't make talking easy. Also, we see them alone extremely rarely - the children or other adults are generally present.
Sorry for the long posts. I have really appreciated your replies and, if anyone is still reading (!), I would be very interested to read how any of you have approached discussions on tricky subjects with your adult children, especially how you prevent feelings from running high. Thanks again.

mutti it makes me think that the nanny perhaps is socialising too much with the other nannies, hence her cutting short your visits with your DGC. Something doesn't fit.
I think it is quite reasonable for a GM to see her DGC once a week if living near.
Get your DH to negotiate? Suggest nanny could have time to sort DGC laundry when you visit? Good luck.

Flaming cheek! I would tell her I will see MY GC whenever I want to thank you very much! If it doesn't fit in with her socialising then tough!

As someone else has said- arrange a weekly visit when you can either take them out (best option!)or have them to yourself. She must have other duties- ironing etc.she can do while you have them.

Tell your daughter you are doing this as the nanny is so rude to you & stick to it.If you are prepared to give time to your GC your daughter should be very grateful& you will be there when Nanny has gone too. I'm sure they will need babysitting or minding on school holidays so they should be cultivating your relationship with your GC.
Don't let nanny make the rules for you too!

Just an idea ..... Would it be best for you and the other grandma to try and speak to the parents together, maybe suggesting a regular 'day' for grandmas.

It doesn't seem over the top to me for you to see the grandchildren once a week. But you could try for a regular once a fortnight date ... Perhaps alternating between your homes. With the nanny coming too

What a difficult problem. You all need to be on the same page so an honest open discussion is a 'must'.

Good Luck

My daughter has two nannies who do two days a week each. They've done this since the baby, now 18mths, was very small as daughter had a broken foot and was unable to lift the baby. I have collected grandson, now 10, from school one day a week and grandpa does two days since he was at nursery at 2 years old.

One nanny is very experienced and efficient and cooks meals for the freezer when the baby has her afternoon nap and is training her in good ways. The other was not experienced at all but a loving girl and Spanish speaking, which dad is, so the baby is growing up bilingual.

Both nannies are lovely to spend time with and encouraged me from the first to feed and bath the baby, which they'd normally do and grandpa doesn't . We both try and spend time with big brother too, although he he is wonderful with his baby sister and they enjoy playing together.

i actually find the nannies much easier to get on with then my daughter, who is a very picky person. She and the children are vegan so she does have to enforce strict rules about food, but also the children's timetable. I've substituted for a nanny on occasion when they've been off sick etc and sometimes daughter worked from home, monitoring my work.....

I do try and get on with her as I want to see the children, and she can be delightful too when all goes well. She's a very good mother and we are lucky that the nannies are such nice people too.
I suppose your daughter won't want to try another nanny. it does seem a shame to spoil your enjoyment of your grandchildren like this.

I never ever got the feeling the nanny would tell me what to do or be rude, although the experienced one has suggested, gently, that grandpa and I should try saying 'no' when the baby, who is a very definite person, like her mother (and I do love it when she does it to mum) wants things and we all try and please her.

She's just walking but not talking yet, but makes demanding noises and we can usually guess what is wanted. I think because she understands Spanish and English the speaking is a bit later.

She may be reliable but she's a control freak and alarmingly rude to you and, it seems, to the other granny! If you get on we'll can you two arrange a 'Granny day'?

I think you need to speak with your daughter and son in law. Are they aware of how Nanny is changing arrangements ad hoc? If they have arranged a set time for visit with you, then it is not Nanny's place to change those arrangements to suit her, and her activities with the children.

I wonder if your daughter and son in law can tell Nanny that for the hour (or whatever length of time your contact is for), she is off duty and that you are to be left alone with the children.

I am caught between two schools of thought here

one - that Nanny sees herself in the equivalent role of old school matrons in hospitals, who had a definitely role to play and no one ever questioned her, and your being there just interferes with her routine

and

two - what's she got to hide. I would be looking for a good nanny cam!

Too true!!

Was the nanny employed through an agency? I think I'd be tempted to check out her employment history.

Nannies are trained in how to get along with senior family members and incorporate their visits into the daily routine because it's important that children have a normal relationship with family members other than their parents.

It sounds as though her own social life is top of her agenda and not the children,s.

Young friend is a nanny & withdrew quickly from the busy nanny social round, because she was horrified by how some 1.Behaved towards the children 2. Arranged the household and timetable to suit their own needs and social round - then boasted & joked about it with their friends.
It's easy to do because the parents are so totally dependant on them.

Agree with Merlotgran. I think you should just let your daughter know when you are going to see them or take them out and do it. what right has the nanny to lay down access rules? Just go for it and good luck.

A nanny tends to have a privileged place within a family. However, her rudeness should not be tolerated. I would be suspect of her motives. She's clearly undermining the parents position as well as yours. Is there a language barrier? I mean is English her first language. Giving her the benefit of a doubt. She may be good but she can be replaced.

Surely you can see your grandaughter when you want to not when she says.

I think I'd be so worried I'd convince my daughter to put in cctv . I'd worry about the children's mental well-being under the care of this unprofessional sounding woman.

Any body who told me to 'get over it' would get the sharp edge of my tongue. She is not being professional and that was bloody rude.

What example does she set for the children talking to people like that and setting family members against each other. She is paid to mind the children not to interfere in family dynamics.

I would raise it with your daughter if i were you, her employee is undermining everybody by the sound of things.

First off, there was just half an hour between your post asking for advice and your next saying that you had followed it but the arrangements had been whittled down. That doesn't seem to make sense. How did all that happen in half an hour?

Next - Tell your daughter that YOU are too busy to waste your time making arrangements with the nanny that are then cancelled or otherwise undermined. She employs her, so she is the one to you to have time with the children?

Can you arrange with your daughter that you take the children out somewhere once a week, picking them up at a definite time and returning them to nanny's control as arranged? There are plenty of places where you can have fun together.

Lastly, how does your daughter feel about your visits, disregarding the nanny for the moment? If she is reluctant, then perhaps she is hiding behind the nanny's bossiness? Your talk with your daughter could include this, and maybe clarify what SHE thinks about the "only playing with your food when Granny's here", and so on. Is that her opinion too?

Is it possible that you don't have a Nanny problem so much as a daughter problem.

I am not defending the Nanny, but it seems to me that she see you as visiting "her place of Work" and she finds that intrusive. I wonder if her rudeness in expressing this is coming from your daughter. Does she want the Nanny to get on with her work, without the weekly/fortnightly visits? Maybe your daughter feels you visit too often and does not like to say so. Is it possible that your daughter does not speak to the Nanny about her treatment of you as a way of cutting your visits.

You speak of visiting weekly previously, I can't help wondering how many parents would want this many visits. I got on really well with my MiL and she too visited weekly. It was a pain and quite disruptive, as she had her 'own way' of doing things. I could feel her disapproval even when she said nothing.

My advice would be so say no more to your daughter about it and cut the visits down.

Thank you so much for all your responses so far; they are incredibly helpful and they reassure me that I'm not the one behaving oddly (at least not much!). Unfortunately, I had an argument with this nanny yesterday .. after yet another illogical and last-minute change to arrangements (I'm not usually an inflexible person, at least I don't think I am) and the nanny took huge offence which she was not shy about broadcasting. I'm worried about where it will go from here.
Several grandnetters have asked if this nanny is young or untrained. Quite the reverse: she is in early middle-age and highly experienced. She is lovingly strict with the children and keeps them in a good, if to my mind somewhat over-active, routine. Above all, she never lets my daughter down by not turning up .. which is vital to the smooth running of my daughter's household and therefore to her happiness. The nanny has a circle of local nanny friends and has an active social life with them and their charges. With the previous nannies my daughter employed, I would go with them and the GCs to things - always in support role and deferring to the nanny, as I do to my daughter, in matters concerning the GCs - or the nannies would visit my house with the GCs occasionally. The current nanny has refused from the start to allow me to accompany her anywhere with the GCs (I've suggested various local fun things) and she reacts with horror to the idea of visiting us. She is, though, planning to take the GCs to visit her own sister & family.
I'm trying to give a picture here because I'm trying to understand what is going on. I realise it may sound a bit of a whinge or perhaps a bit trivial. I'm genuinely at a loss as to how to go forward. Part of the problem is that my daughter has thus far asked me to sort arrangements with the nanny (as I successfully did with the previous ones) as she's very busy and we don't talk particularly regularly. This is undoubtedly part of the problem. My daughter is angry at what has happened.

I wonder if it's better to just ignore deliberately rude and provocative posts?

The Nanny isn't acting or speaking as a professional, that would ring alarm bells with me.

Sounds like the parents are keen to retain the Nanny despite evidence of bad practice. As they are paying her it is down to them to make the rules. You need to talk to them calmly and explain your concerns, this Nanny is behaving inappropriately. Meanwhile help where you can and don't get into disagreements which will affect the children. It's a difficult situation for you so hope things work out,
good luck.
Im68 - there are other ways to get attention which are more acceptable.

Im68 is being attention seeking and rude, as is so often the case.

I think your posts over a number of threads are getting more OTT and rude Iam68. Are you alright?

Really I'm 68 you are crossing a line which of unacceptable, to me at least.

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