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I've gotta go....welll haven't I

(42 Posts)
morethan2 Wed 16-Nov-16 13:57:07

It's me again...I'm so sorry but if I ask my friends/family they have their own agenda when they give their opinion. I have deferred my pension, I could have retired in march. I didn't because of the awful news about my DiL terminal illness. I just put one foot in front of the other for a long time, just doing my normal routine between bouts of near hysteria. I just couldn't make an informed decision because I was so horrified I felt the terror was clouding my judgment. Today I've been to a meeting, the sort we all hate. In order to be able to get through it I 'put myself in an imaginary box' but I've just realised that if I keep having to deal with all the changes I'm going to go mad, I really feel like I'll have a massive breakdown, I just can't stand much more. I just want to shout at the management "it's not the fact that my DiL is dying, it's not that my young grandchildren will be motherless, it's not that my army son is somwhere hot a dangerous, it's not that my elderly MiL is slowly dying 200 miles away and asking to see me and I can't get there that's causing me to feel like this its you, its this place
The constant, changes, the fact that my timetable is so tight I miss out on updates and find out thing 6 months later. It's that their more interested in ticking boxes than they are about clients health or mine and it's the sodden NHS who should know better. I should go shouldn't I. I don't know why I'm even asking it obvious, It just seems so final. It's been so long since I was a stay at homer I worry I'll get depressed and just fester.

annsixty Wed 16-Nov-16 14:08:45

You sound on the edge of a breakdown. Just pack it in now.
You won't cope if you don't take a break. You are dealing with far too much. Be good to yourself please. xx

mumofmadboys Wed 16-Nov-16 14:14:25

If you can afford to retire, do it! You will cope so much better with your other problems and responsibilities if you have more time. If you get more worn out/ exhausted you won't be any good for anyone including yourself. Take care xx

Ceesnan Wed 16-Nov-16 14:18:01

Go to your GP and ask him to sign you off for a couple of weeks. You cannot go on like this and you need to take some of this pressure off yourself. It doesn't have to be permanent, just give yourself a breathing space. Please do it flowers

aggie Wed 16-Nov-16 14:23:22

I retired at 60 from the NHS . I couldn't stand the constant paperwork ! I was fit and had no relatives with health problems , so I did a bit of traveling on my own , OH couldn't be bothered . I am so glad I did because now OH is chairbound , my mobility is limited and the Grandchildren need me smile , they more or less help me , even the 4 yr old , so I think you need to take time out ............. go sick ...... retire , take care xxxxx

Christinefrance Wed 16-Nov-16 14:26:25

Is it possible for you to work part time for a while ? this may help to ease the transition. Please find someone to talk to about your problems, this can help keep things straight in your mind. Try to deal with one problem and one day at a time or you will be overwhelmed. There are some things which are beyond your control so leave them aside and help where you are able to. Look after yourself and take time to relax it's important. flowers

kittylester Wed 16-Nov-16 14:26:47

crewman has given the best advice I think. And, you will probably find that the space to think will help you decide and you'll probably decide that you like being at home with time to cope.

You need to look after yourself and build up your reserves to cope in the future. (((hugs)))

kittylester Wed 16-Nov-16 14:30:16

Bloody tablet ceesnan not crewman.

Just to add - we have found with NHS managers that they are happy to take as long as you keep giving so dh is retiring at the end of the month.

Luckygirl Wed 16-Nov-16 14:33:24

Resign! Ask GP to sign you off while you work out your notice.

I know just how you feel - I was working in the health service (but actually paid by SSD). It got to the point where I was just a financial gatekeeper and the well being of patients was just an irrelevance to the powers that were. There was one scenario that broke the camel's back for me, when I was forced to make a detailed and complex assessment on someone for the sole purposes of justifying refusing her the help she needed; and to the detriment of her health - I told them it was not wise and that she would break down - did they care? - did they buggery.

I got to the point where I could not get out of my car in the car park because I could not face another day. So I resigned.

Eventually I retrained and picked up a different and fascinating career as a film stills photographer and picture editor for the last 10 years before I retired.

You have lots on your plate - more than enough without the burden of a workplace without a conscience. If you can afford it then just go. I do not know how old you are, but there will be lots of life for you to live and to take up new activities when your family has settled a bit from these acute and sad problems.

Please put yourself first - your employer does not own you.

grannypiper Wed 16-Nov-16 14:38:36

morethan2 how i feel for you. You know what you need to do, now take a deep breath and write your resignation today and within minutes you will feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders. You have nothing left to prove.Deep breath brew

M0nica Wed 16-Nov-16 14:41:36

Go! Undefer your pension. Your mother, son and grandchildren need you a lot more than the NHS and you desperately need a break yourself.

How will it help if you have a breakdown? See your GP.

I know I am just repeating what everybody else is saying, but the more people say it, hopefully the more chance there is you will do it. It is probably the same advice your family would give, but having an agenda doesn't mean the advice is wrong.

DaphneBroon Wed 16-Nov-16 14:55:26

I agree with the others. You sound very close to the end of your tether (not surprisingly) and you need to step back. In your place, I retired (DH's deteriorating health with an incurable illness, plus a new first grandchild due. Factor in a change in management which I knew would not be as sympathetic if I needed to take time off and, basically, falling out of love with my job). I was old enough to take retirement, but could as easily gone sick for 6 -8 weeks with stress to get my thinking straight and clocked up a couple of months more pension contributions!
Part time does not necessarily remove the problems of a job which has gone sour and I suspect a clean break is best, BUT you are possibly not in the best place to take an irrevocable decision so, get signed off, get some strength back and take your time over your decision.
You are in a dreadful position and not one you would wish on your worst enemy, but you need to keep strong for all the others - remember that thing about fitting your own oxygen mask first?

downtoearth Wed 16-Nov-16 14:56:03

I agree being stretched in all directions is playing havoc with your health,in my own experience the decision once made was a weight off of my shoulders x

Jane10 Wed 16-Nov-16 15:01:37

I retired from NHS at 60. Best thing I ever did. My BP plummeted! Yours will too. You'd have time to really focus on your family at a time that they really need you.
You need a good rest too! Do it. You won't regret it.

Maggiemaybe Wed 16-Nov-16 15:06:36

I'm sure that life in the private sector is no picnic either, but I can only speak of what I know.

Working in the public sector gets more and more stressful as budgets are slashed, targets are raised and you're made aware in no uncertain terms that your job is to save money, not to help people. I was so relieved to get off my particular treadmill. Facebook this week threw up one of those "memories" from 3 years ago and I was shocked to see that I looked older then than I do now, and so pinched and stressed. Like Luckygirl, I got to the stage where I dreaded walking through the door, as I fear you do, and that's when you have to go.

Please retire, or at the very least do as Ceesnan advises, go to your doctor and get yourself some breathing space, though I think you need a lot more than a couple of weeks. You won't get depressed, you won't fester, life will be different but you'll adapt, you'll feel as if at least one huge weight has been lifted and you'll have time to take care of yourself. You have far too much going on in your life to make yourself ill. flowers

Greyduster Wed 16-Nov-16 15:16:28

My DH was in a similar situation to you - not NHS, though. I had been pressing him to take early retirement because I could see the way things were going, but he just couldn't bring himself to step off the edge. He made himself ill, which brought things to a head and since he left work, he has never looked back. Don't make yourself ill, morethan. You have enough on your plate. Take some sick leave and give yourself time to unwind a bit, but I think you know what you really should do.

TriciaF Wed 16-Nov-16 17:28:55

morethan - just do it! If you can afford it. Leave the NHS to be run by those who have fewer family worries than you. And good luck to them, from what I've heard.
The old saying "charity begins at home" and obviously you know this or you wouldn't be asking.

janeainsworth Wed 16-Nov-16 17:36:59

Morethan I'm so sorry you are going through all this. The worry about your DiL and grandchildren must be overwhelming.

Although the NHS holds a quasi-religion status in this country, it is a terrible employer and just exploits its dedicated staff.

Just go, leave them all to it, and save your reserves of strength - you will need them. flowers

Jalima Wed 16-Nov-16 18:04:27

If you can afford it, then leave!

I had to retire early and you do manage.
My BF retired early from teaching because of the pressures

Otherwise ask to be signed off sick and see how you feel after some time away from work


Thingmajig Wed 16-Nov-16 19:03:53

With only a fraction of your stresses on my plate I took early retirement from the NHS when I was 55 and it's the best thing I've done.

If you can afford it, GO NOW! You'll be no good to anyone who needs you if you carry on until you drop. It sounds like there's plenty to keep you busy, so festering at home is surely unlikely?

If retirement just isn't possible for you, then get signed off work for a few weeks and give yourself time to breathe. flowers

vampirequeen Wed 16-Nov-16 19:07:58

Go on sick. Rest and recuperate then think about retiring. Don't make any decisions until you're thinking more clearly.

Lona Wed 16-Nov-16 19:20:57

Just go sick more than and when you can see more clearly you will realise that you need to leave.
You have far too much on your plate to deal with a stressful job too.

Judthepud2 Wed 16-Nov-16 21:23:54

Just what everyone else says Morethan. Get off the treadmill now before you collapse. And that will only add to the family stress. Your family needs your help so you will hardly be sitting at home twiddling your thumbs.

If you enjoyed your job and it helped you take your mind off your family problems, it would be a different matter. But you have said that is not the case. It is draining you dry. I left work when there was a family crisis. So glad I did. I haven't regretted it once and I have never had a moment to feel bored.

My heart goes out to you and your family during this very difficult time.

Grannyknot Wed 16-Nov-16 22:02:09

morethan2 I worked in an NHS SHA and I felt like you did sitting in those interminable meetings where nothing much was achieved. The SHA was scrapped and subsumed into the new behemoth Public Health England. So now on top of the corporate "NHS speak", I had to contend with bureaucracy like never seen before. I had become very "moany" at home and was permanently tired. Most of my colleagues hung on for a hoped for redundancy, but I had reached the "I can't do this anymore" stage, just like you.

So I bailed. Best thing I ever did. I took up walking, my mood improved, the moaning stopped, I'm relaxed, I cook, knit, socialise and 2.5 years on I know I made the right decision.

Whatever you decide, it is clear that something needs to change. And - as my late FIL used to say 'Nothing changes until you change it".


Jomarie Wed 16-Nov-16 22:22:25

In answer to the original question (in other words) "should I go or should I stay?" - my answer would be GO - no question about it. Forget reasoning you've done all of that - give yourself permission to let go of something (not your sanity). Take control of the one thing in your life that you have some sort of control of - or is that the problem? Are you hanging on to your job as a sort of lifeline to opt out/excuse yourself from having the time to deal with the other stuff? Just asking? flowers