Am I being unreasonable

What was the perfume ? That will tell us a lot about this situation. Was it one he knows you like ? I am still using some C no 5 that a lover gave me years ago. It still means something.

I think most of us are of the same mind about not living with m-in-l until you have sorted your own issues. I must say though I think you are lucky getting a w/end away on your own I never did when mine were young as for perfume unless you really hated
Then accept what I think is a personal gift . It is easy to feel unappreciated when life is busy you both need to sit and have a good talk without arguing or shouting. Good luck

Ataloss don't know if you are still reading this. There seems to be a lot for you and your partner to sort out. Why is he holding back some of his income? Will your MIL pay her share of the expenses when you all live together, what will she do all day, will you still be near her friends? - will MIL help with childcare etc so that you don't have to do everything? Will you have your own sitting room when you move or share with MIL?
Meanwhile, in your current situation. If you are paying equal shares into the bank, why are you not also doing equal shares of the work? Does your partner do the gardening and DIY as his share? It sounds as though he might be amenable to doing more and maybe you need to talk about having a rota or something, so that you don't get tired and can enjoy each other's company. If MIL is not going to help with housework, you could consider getting paid help for cleaning and ironing, or you could reduce your hours and do it yourself, deducting an appropriate cost from what you pay into the joint account. Starting again in later life is never easy, but neither is being on your own. Do you get out together for a meal, or a drink, go to a show etc? - learn to talk - Make a list of what you love about him - think of tennis - it is easier to fight for every point to win the game, than to give up and have to play another whole set!

I wonder if you could try " mum s net" as it s full of younger mums.
Honestly, don't even consider either moving into m.i.l s house or buy one for all. It would be a disaster !!
It's not the right time. You need to explain to husband that it's not the right time, and you could re consider once you feel your relationship is more solid. Has m.i.l. Said she agrees to this, or is it all your husband s idea? Maybe she could buy a flat near to you? Rented seems best for you to remain in until you feel this relationship will last, cos you'd have all the expense of re selling or buying the other out if things don't work out. You can go to counselling on your own .

If my DP bought me perfume,I would be well pleased,and would not regard it as an ' impersonal gift'!

Very ungrateful to moan about the gift. Even if I don't particularly like a gift I would never be so ungracious. Just be thankful he took the trouble to get it and also do the chores the day before. As for buying a house together and moving Mil in with you, recipe for disaster. Think long and hard about the implications of such actions. You may very well regret it later and there will be a lot of painful unpicking to do!

I think that the perfume is a sympton
The ultimatum of MIL moving in
Or you all moving in with her is the cause of your disquiet.
After your DC has gone to bed,
Sit down with a glass of wine and an egg timer.
Allow each other to say how they feel for the turn or turns of the timer.
No interruptions or raised voices are allowed.
Then both reflect for a couple of days and then have another quite discussion.
Perhaps you will both have some answers

Good luck.

The perfume issue is neither here nor there, there are bigger issues at stake.
You may well love your husband, and he you, but you seem to be on very shaky ground at the moment. You sound as though you are already feeling alienated and unappreciated, this can only get worse when MIL moves in or if you lived with her.
I think that you both need to sit down and talk without arguing about what you both want to get out of the marriage, but to have an in law with you is really really difficult and unless you have a very strong marriage, it's going to be a recipe for disaster I'm afraid.

Using the money from her property along with your own, you should get something a bit bigger which could give MiL her own space, then you too can have your own space. But make sure that you and your husband are both singing from the same hymn sheet, or there could be discord.

Could it be that MIL moving in could be a bigger issue than you think or you perhaps (lack of a better term) resent Ataloss123 - In my humble opinion 2 queens cannot rule a castle .. he can always look after her if she lives on her own .. or if you can afford her own 'granny flat' we all need our own space and privacy - just my opinion ladies please don't be harsh!

IN all the 40 years of marriage my husband and I never gave each other birthday presents except love. For our silver wedding he was going to buy me the engagement ring he couldn't afford at the time but I opted for a new motorised lawn mower. Marriage has to be worked at and love and understanding and give and take are more important than material things. I still miss him after 30 years of widowhood.
Make sure that MIL has her own space. granny annex?

Gifts can be tricky. Most of us probably like perfume and therefore think it's a good present, but it depends what it means to the OP. She describes it as "impersonal" - so maybe she feels he has bought something labelled, in his mind, as a suitable present for a woman without thinking about her actual likes and dislikes. A bit like buying a man something car-related, because all men supposedly like cars. You can't really judge someone's reaction without knowing what caused it.

She does say that her husband's help with the chores was very much appreciated, and presumably it would be appreciated even more if he did it more often, given that they both have full-time jobs and she's doing most of the domestic stuff.

As for MiL moving in, it depends on how well they get along and whether the layout of the house allows them both some privacy. Also depends on MiL's attitude to their marriage and whether she is likely to get involved.

I wouldn't write off this relationship yet. We've been through much greater storms in our marriage and we're still together!

Oh dear I wish that was my only grumble about other half, you don't know how lucky you are. However saying that, if your not happy with him and feel you shouldn't be together DO NOT BUY THE HOUSE.... need to sort out your relationship/ feelings before you commit any deeper.

Same from me, please do not move MiL in with you in these circumstances, either she will be very unhappy when she finds how you argue and the general atmosphere or she will take your husband's side against you, either way she and you will be trapped in a bad situation, get it sorted out now. Most men are not confident when buying presents.

Do not contemplate living with MIL unless you both have separate living accommodation,even if it's very basic, eg bedsitter plus kitchenette and shower room for MIL. My mother lived with my sister for many years and most of the time it was OK as my brother-in-law worked abroad and my mother helped with the children and was company for my sister. However there was friction, as my mother didn't seem to understand that there were times when my sister and her husband wanted to have time together or go out on their own. Ground rules need to be established, kindly and firmly, before you even think of house sharing. Otherwise your husband sounds pretty nice to me, lots of men are
a bit inept at presents, I think yours was trying hard. 45 years ago my husband bought me a woodworking tool for a Christmas present. We got over it!

If anyone buys you a gift, accept it graciously, especially if it is your husband who's giving it. Also, as others have mentioned, he's trying to make an effort.

The house buying needs an indepth discussion. Sort it out now!

This illustrates differences in communication styles Ataloss. I guess you were trying to be open and honest by saying you weren't thrilled with the perfume. Your husband took it as a criticism even though it wasn't meant that way. My ex-husband and I were similarly at odds, he was a very sensitive person and consequently no differences ever got resolved because he took everything personally and became withdrawn. We're divorced so clearly I don't have a solution! Except to say it doesn't change or get any better.
I wonder does your husband want his mum to live with you because it makes him feel more secure? I recognise this too. Her no doubt 'unconditional love' could reinforce his feelings that any marital problems are because of you not him.
Sorry to sound negative. I really do hope there's a way forward for your family. As others have said, no marriage is perfect and plenty of couples have to compromise stay together. But it sounds like you had a taste of freedom, and it tasted good!

I think you need to take a step back and look at your relationship. I agree with GK, being honest, but perfume is one of the most personal gifts he could have bought, especially as he'd already attempted conciliatory steps. What concerns me a little is that you are planning the long-term property purchase - have you dscussed the complications if the purchase goes through and the relationship founders - suggest you clarify ramifications with legal advisors before going further. Above all, you need "us time" and don't even consider inviting MIL to move in. I made that mistake and, much though I love her, it caused untold resentment both ways - you must sort out yourselves first, otherwise the relationship will be doomed. Hope you can sort out your various issues, and that all goes well for you both.

My husband and I went for counselling many years ago and the two things I remember as useful are advice to make time each week to listen to each other. Not talk. Each person has 5 or 10 mins to talk whilst the other person just listens.Then swap.
The other thing was when the counsellor asked me how I showed my H I loved him. Of course, I thought I showed him in everything I did, but the more I thought about my daily behaviour, the more I began to see how I might come across as unkind and unloving.

Any gift is a good gift and I think it was totally out of order for you to say what said. It's the thought that counts, and you are obviously not doing much thinking. It's not just the talking, it's what you say when you do talk. He appears to have made an effort whilst you were away enjoying yourself, did you show your appreciation? You need to sit down with your husband and actually talk to him, discuss what it is you both want out of your marriage. There is absolutely no point in your buying a house while you feel this way. Stop stewing...sort it out.

I never buy perfume for one reason - I hate the smell. That aside, I'm heartened to see that, just for once, the Sisterhood hasn't jumped in with mindless support for the female!

Perfume IS a very personal gift, so you either really like a particular perfume or you don't like it at all. He has clearly tried, but not quite hard enough to get it right. Maybe the reaction should have been something like "Oh, thank you. This is one I haven't tried. I wonder what it is like?", followed by an immediate and generous trial - which he would detect at the same time and possibly not like at all!

Men do seem to think that ALL perfume is welcome, even when for years they have been smelling the one you prefer and usually wear, and presumably they like it. They never know what it is called.

Communication is just so important. Any communication as long as it is not negative. As that seems to be the underlying problem then you need a third party to involve both of you and to remonstrate against negatives.

There had to be a time when you both communicated. What happened to bring that to a stop? Explore the reason(s). Quite often there is a misunderstanding that is not resolved and that simply leads to more and more misunderstanding.

If you have a mutual friend who both of you respect try a meeting of three to make a fresh start based upon mutual agreement to resolve misunderstandings now. NOW. The longer these persist the more they fester in the unconscious and produce negativity. The way forward is to be positive.

Hello
I would be happy for perfume I think it is personal gift I can't think what
You would think as personal unless you mean underwear I would not
Like my husband to choose that I shudder to think what I would get, or
Maybe jewellery

I don't think your husband is any different to other men to be honest
and your just doing the things all women do we all do more house work
We all do the Christmas shopping and we all look after the children more
Than they do. and most of us work as well it's just being a woman.

Every one needs to be told thank you for doing something even you that's
Just part of life.
Maybe you are not very suited

I would really like to know the reason you think that perfume is not a good gift? Maybe you could give us an example of what you think is acceptable? Like previous posters I would advise you to put the house purchase on hold until the basic under lying problems have been resolved. Possibly you might also consider TELLING him what you would like for Christmas, or give him a list of suggestions.....that is of course if you are still together at Christmas