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Am I being unreasonable

(113 Posts)
Ataloss123 Wed 30-Nov-16 07:01:05

Hello Grans
I need some advice please. I'm not a gran but would like opinions from the wise.
My husband and I are have never managed to communicate well. Talking for us inevitably leads to arguments because the other person usually fails to listen to what the other is saying. This goes both ways.
I recently went away for a night with a girlfriend just to get away. I work full time, have a young child and I do most of the childcare and cooking. Husband also works full time. Going away was bliss. I rarely get time to myself.
When I got back husband had done the ironing and made some meals for the week. This absolutely is a first, but it was very much appreciated. Yesterday was my birthday. Husband got me a impersonal gift - a bottle of perfume.
Usually I would have just stewed about this but as we need to get better at communicating I told him I didn't think it was a good gift. He didn't take this well and has called me all sorts of things and has stormed off this morning.
Was I unreasonable to say this? I fear the real reason we don't communicate well is because we actually don't get on and shouldn't be together.
On the back of all this we are just about to buy our first house together (we've always rented) and his mother will sell her house and move in with us.
I am at a loss and would appreciate some advice please.

Grannyknot Wed 30-Nov-16 07:10:12

Hi ataloss, IMHO perfume is a personal gift. I can't imagine why you'd set the scene for an argument about it the day after he made an effort by cooking etc. - indicating a willingness to make a fresh start. And a "repair signal".

Coupled with his response to your needling (storming off) it seems as if you both have some maturing to do. Y*2*ABU.

Have you considered professional counselling?

kittylester Wed 30-Nov-16 07:18:01

I agree with GK!

Nelliemoser Wed 30-Nov-16 08:06:53

Well the poor chap appears to be trying his best here, give him some credit even if you don't particularly like that gift.

To be blunt If you are thinking of buying a house together and arguing about things like this you are on a hiding to nothing. Sort out your relationship first.

annsixty Wed 30-Nov-16 08:09:29

I totally agree and I think buying a house at this time is a step too far and as for having MiL move in ??

ninathenana Wed 30-Nov-16 08:14:39

Perfume is very personal IMHO what suits one dosen't suit the other.
Buying a house together and moving MiL in in your current relationship spells disaster !!

Anya Wed 30-Nov-16 08:16:37

If that was your way of getting 'better at communicating' then you have a lot to learn.

Considering what your partner had done to try to please you it would have been better to praise that. If you had children would you ignore their efforts to please and only condemn their bad behaviour? And, this wasn't even 'bad behaviour' just a misguided attempt to please you.

I'm not surprised he stormed off in a huff.

Anya Wed 30-Nov-16 08:17:49

End this relationship now.

Christinefrance Wed 30-Nov-16 08:43:31

Your husband may not communicate well verbally but his actions speak volumes. You were very unreasonable to decry his gift, he obviously is trying harder than you to make things work. You should think very carefully as should he before you take the next step. Moving in with a family member needs compromise and a degree of unselfishness - are you prepared for this?

Bellanonna Wed 30-Nov-16 08:45:08

When I got to the bit about an impersonal present I expected to see frying pan or toaster and was surprised to see perfume. I think that was a lovely present and one that many men buy their other halves . I feel really sorry for him to have his gift rebuffed like that, especially as he held the fort so admirably while you were off having fun. Please don't let granny sell her home. The phrase out of the frying pan... leaps to mind.

Rinouchka Wed 30-Nov-16 08:45:37

I am surprised at your reaction to his gift, which most people would qualify as a very personal gift. It indicates that you really cannot bear this man, no matter what he does to please you. Your reaction was unreasonable and has triggered more distress.

As others have said, this is not the moment to buy a house together or have MiL move in. Seek counselling urgently, as a couple and as individuals.

Good Luck!

janeainsworth Wed 30-Nov-16 08:47:41

Are you real ataloss?
Your OH looks after your child, dies the cooking and ironing while you're away, buys a you a bottle of perfume and you engineer a row?
And his mother's going to move in with you?
Pull the other one.

DaphneBroon Wed 30-Nov-16 09:02:41

In a word, yes.
Sorry if his is not what you wanted to hear, but I do wonder what you would consider a"personal" present if perfume is unacceptable! confused

merlotgran Wed 30-Nov-16 09:10:26

You have come on here to ask Grans for words of wisdom?

Well, let me tell you that there are quite a few grans on here, including me, who would love their husbands to be well enough to buy a gift of perfume without having to ask for help from younger, fitter members of the family if they want to keep it a surprise.

You don't know how lucky you are that he is so thoughtful.

I agree with janea. We didn't come up on the down train. hmm

Izabella Wed 30-Nov-16 09:14:44

Take heed of both Nellimoser and Anya. Harsh but sound advice.

Ataloss123 Wed 30-Nov-16 09:17:46

Thank you all for your words. You are right and I have been unreasonable.
We tried counselling and we both felt it wasn't dynamic enough. I guess we needed to keep looking for a counsellor who we could work with.
Reference his mother moving in. This is not my choice. It was presented to as he wants to look after her should she need it in the future. The choice I was given was we either move in with her into her house or we buy a house and she moves in with us.

To janeainsworth
I work full time, look after our child 90% of the time, cook 99% of the time, iron all of the time other than his work shirts which his mother does. My trip away was the first and only time I have been away and done something for just me.

Thank you all. I do accept that I was grossly unfair and unreasonable. This was the reason i posted - my thoughts are foggy. And as has been suggested I need to look deeper at the reasons I felt it was 'ok' to try to communicate what I thought of his gift.

mcem Wed 30-Nov-16 09:18:24

I feel sorry not only for the husband but also the MiL! Recipe for disaster IF it's a real dilemma.

Anya Wed 30-Nov-16 09:29:45

Your reply Ataloss makes me feel more synthetic towards your situation and I didn't realise there was a child when I suggested you end your relationship.

Can I ask do you still love your husband if it's not too personal a question.

mcem Wed 30-Nov-16 09:42:03

I agree with anya and can see you really are thinking about this. My first impression was that your 'me time' was just too important to you! Clearly he's made a genuine effort which you didn't appreciate. BUT if you feel that MiL is being imposed on you and you resent it, then you do need to improve communications before taking such a huge step.

Ataloss123 Wed 30-Nov-16 09:46:31

I do still love him.
I did tell him how much I appreciated his effort on Sunday but I guess I didn't tell him enough. And then what I did say focused on the negative.
We have a 'blended' family and his (what I perceive) generosity towards other members of the family doesn't often come my way. And I feel that I do alot. I hold down a full time and challenging job and look after the family.

mumofmadboys Wed 30-Nov-16 09:49:54

I think perfume is a personal gift. What sort of thing were you hoping for? I would be pleased if DH bought me perfume without needing exact instructions!! Think about the positives in the relationship. Do you need more regular breaks? Does DH need to do more in the house on a regular basis? Do you get out together? Perhaps you should plan an evening out once a fortnight and maybe ask MIL to babysit. Good luck.

annodomini Wed 30-Nov-16 09:51:01

I think you knew very well what our response would be. If you had put us in the picture in the OP as you did in your second post, you might have received a rather more sympathetic reply. However, I do think that there was some effort on your DH's part to re-balance the situation by doing domestic tasks in your absence. And the perfume (I hope it was 'posh') was another attempt to build a bridge, even if it wasn't welcomed the way he expected. Choice of perfume is very personal but many men are unaware of this - even my 'new men' sons. Spending time apart seems to have had unexpectedly good results. Maybe you could both agree to take time out more frequently.

mumofmadboys Wed 30-Nov-16 09:51:07

Crossed posts!

DaphneBroon Wed 30-Nov-16 09:56:03

And I feel that I do alot. I hold down a full time and challenging job and look after the family
You keep stressing this ataloss as if you feel it is somehow unusual, I sense resentment that your DH does less?
Show me one solitary wife/mum who is not in the same boat of juggling job/childcare /house/ relationship.
I think you are overthinking this "communication" issue and as for counselling? An injection of common sense plus love - if it is there- would go a long way. Children, a job and a home are hard work, you are lucky to have had a night away (many mums can only dream) and not to come back to a sink full of dishes, a trashed kitchen and the excuse "I was looking after the children you know"!!
If you have suspicions that you should not be together, do something about it, but take a long hard look at your own expectations too and think of the impact of yourattitude and actions will have on your young child and the rest of the family.
Harsh? I hope not, you did ask.

Nelliemoser Wed 30-Nov-16 09:56:54

Increasingly unreasonable. It seems to me it's a while since we had one of these "insoluble dilemmas" Type of posts .
Are the universities out yet?