Am I being unreasonable

I'd just like to add that I NEVER went away with a girl friend - just for me - when I had young children and I suspect that lots of us didn't.

I find it interesting that you have had counselling, but did not find the counsellers any help. Could it be that you are both so entrenched in your own view of what you want that neither of you could give an inch to accommodate the other? If so, I don't hold out much hope for harmony in the future, particularly with a third adult in the house.

You probably won't find any of the advice on here any use either, in that case.

Money isn't everything! But it does cause a lot of domestic friction.

It may be that your financial arrangements need to be changed. It is all very well contributing an equal amount into a kitty, but while one of you contributes more of your "spare" time and energy than the other on the chores, then all is NOT equal. Did he promise at the wedding "With all my wordly goods I thee endow" ? Or just "I will put as much into the household kitty as you can manage from whatever you can earn, but no more, and I shall expect you to look after me as though you are at home all day"?

It is as though your financial contribution is not enough, so you must make up for it by working free in the home. That would be OK if you didn't work at all but could stay at home and have all day for household stuff, but not if you are working full time.

If he earns twice as much as you, but you put an equal amount into the kitty, what does he do with all the rest? If he has no time to do any household stuff, then he could pay for a cleaner out of it to do his share?

Communication will be vital if you are both to share a home with another adult, no matter the relationship, and not be plagued by irritations. I am really hoping that your new home is big enough for your mother in law to have her own home within it, and not just have a bedroom to call her own. Personal space sounds very important to you, maybe less so for your husband and his mother, these things need to be discussed (not argued about) before your move. Its never easy to see things from another person's persepctive, but if you all can it will make things so much less difficult. If you can't manage this together maybe seek professional input, it isn't fair to any of you to go into this without a clear understanding of each others needs.

Blimey - this poor chap has done the ironing and made some meals for the week and given you a bottle of perfume - what the hell else do you want him to do??!! I would get down on my knees and lick my OH's feet if he did ANY of those things! Are you sure you are old enough to be a wife and mother? Are you for real!?

I shall assume for the moment that this is a genuine cry for help, and not a possible wind-up for the "agony aunts" (there are a few bored twerps out there who find it amusing to ask for advice on invented personal relationships. I believe professional advice columnists get them too.)

There is more to communication than just saying what you think, when you think it. We communicate in actions as well as words. There is reading the other person and responding to what they are doing as well as their saying.

There is recognising the unspoken communication of doing all that while you were away. There is reading into his gift what was behind it - that he wanted you to have something a bit luxurious and thought of perfume. That was him communications in action, not words, and how did you reply? OK, he may not have chosen the right smell, but how is a gift of perfume not a "good" gift?

How is ANY gift a bad thing? and surely greeting it with "That was a bad gift" is BAD communication, which is not at all the same thing as GOOD communication.

You had a nice break, and are now back to the nitty gritty - a bit of an anticlimax. Now you and he have to create a way of living that works, without any resentments. You will have to talk to one another, won't you? - really communicate, both ways, talking and listening, doing and observing what is done, appreciating one another's efforts and adjusting your own attitudes.

Welcome to the real world, where marriages are not made in heaven, but by husbands and wives.

Oh, and when and if MiL comes to share your home, make sure that she has a comfortable place to retire to when you and he have a set-to. Bad enough her feeling unwanted in her old age without sitting by while you and her son argue over who is most hard-done-by.

We are close in age - late 40s. MIL's mother died recently in her 90s having lived on her own quite independently until the last couple of years when she needed more and more care. My husband doesn't want his mother to go through this. And of course this is admirable.
We're living in a rented house at the moment and have found a house to buy which will accommodate us all. MIL is keen to sell because she doesn't want the burden of looking after her own house anymore. They are a very close family. Nothing wrong with this.
My family live abroad and my parents are dead. But even when they were alive we were not living in each others pockets

MIL does help out with pickup 3 times a week. But I wouldn't feel comfortable with her doing chores for me (us).
I have tried to talk to my husband to suggest that we need to make the house about us, me and him. With a fair (not necessarily equal) division of labour/effort.
And while the house would be MIL's home, it is our house.
I guess some of the resentment that some have picked up on is also to do with finances. Which is another story but essentially we each pay the same amount of money into a joint account - he earns twice as much as me and I do most of the home stuff.
So yes I was hoping for something other than perfume. But I can also understand (from reading your responses) that perfume is a gift that men get. And clearly with hindsight what I should have done if I had certain expectations, was to communicate this to him.
Thank you.

Ataloss, you sound to have been a bit at the end of your tether, tiredness does make us unreasonable at times, so don't give yourself too hard a time. There has been lots of good advice here and little I can add other than questions to better understand. I am wondering about your relative ages and the age of your mother in law, is there a reason for your husband to think his mother will need care in the near future? Is there a large age gap between you and your husband? Those things could also impact on your husband's reactions to things and impact his communication style, I also wonder if your current home was chosen by you both or belonged to one of you before your marraige. I'm sorry, lots of questions and you may not choose to share the answers, which is fine. I do hope you can find a way through this and have less sense of pressure in the future.

I think Ataloss is genuine but struggling with a relationship that's fraught with problems from her point of view. I think you need a bit more time to have some fun. Clearly your man us good at managing - did he prepare the meals in advance at your request or was that his idea? If counselling hasn't helped maybe you could agree between you on a way forward. I'm sure you recognise his good points and yes, it's hard work running a home while working full time. If the granny is fit could she help at all? Try to work out a way of compromising with chores, some free time for you, a better understanding of each other. Perfume is something men often give women and you have to accept that as a male his hardwiring is such that he would probably find it difficult to be more imaginative, or maybe he is just afraid of your criticism.
One thing I feel worried about is the mother in law. Really don't feel she should make the huge step of selling up to live with you both until you are are in a better place (figuratively speaking). I do wish you well.

Well perhaps we are.

I can see much better where the OP is coming from. I know what it's like to hold down a full time job, juggle the children and do all the cooking and housework. There does need to be a fairer division of labour.

I suppose it depends very much on MiL. Is she going to add to the stresses in this relationship or ease them. Will be be willing, or able, to help with childcare, cook, iron? Available to babysit and let this couple get out occasionally to work in their relationship or will she be an added burden.

Much rests on that.

I don't believe I have said that any of you have been unhelpful.
I posted to ask for opinions. I'm not here to attack anyone who has taken the time to respond to my post. My situation is what it is and sometimes we all need a reality check from people who are not emotionally involved. And yes it may be difficult to hear but that is why I posted.

We will all soon be accused of being unhelpful!

Increasingly unreasonable. It seems to me it's a while since we had one of these "insoluble dilemmas" Type of posts .
Are the universities out yet?

And I feel that I do alot. I hold down a full time and challenging job and look after the family
You keep stressing this ataloss as if you feel it is somehow unusual, I sense resentment that your DH does less?
Show me one solitary wife/mum who is not in the same boat of juggling job/childcare /house/ relationship.
I think you are overthinking this "communication" issue and as for counselling? An injection of common sense plus love - if it is there- would go a long way. Children, a job and a home are hard work, you are lucky to have had a night away (many mums can only dream) and not to come back to a sink full of dishes, a trashed kitchen and the excuse "I was looking after the children you know"!!
If you have suspicions that you should not be together, do something about it, but take a long hard look at your own expectations too and think of the impact of yourattitude and actions will have on your young child and the rest of the family.
Harsh? I hope not, you did ask.

Crossed posts!

I think you knew very well what our response would be. If you had put us in the picture in the OP as you did in your second post, you might have received a rather more sympathetic reply. However, I do think that there was some effort on your DH's part to re-balance the situation by doing domestic tasks in your absence. And the perfume (I hope it was 'posh') was another attempt to build a bridge, even if it wasn't welcomed the way he expected. Choice of perfume is very personal but many men are unaware of this - even my 'new men' sons. Spending time apart seems to have had unexpectedly good results. Maybe you could both agree to take time out more frequently.

I think perfume is a personal gift. What sort of thing were you hoping for? I would be pleased if DH bought me perfume without needing exact instructions!! Think about the positives in the relationship. Do you need more regular breaks? Does DH need to do more in the house on a regular basis? Do you get out together? Perhaps you should plan an evening out once a fortnight and maybe ask MIL to babysit. Good luck.

I do still love him.
I did tell him how much I appreciated his effort on Sunday but I guess I didn't tell him enough. And then what I did say focused on the negative.
We have a 'blended' family and his (what I perceive) generosity towards other members of the family doesn't often come my way. And I feel that I do alot. I hold down a full time and challenging job and look after the family.

I agree with anya and can see you really are thinking about this. My first impression was that your 'me time' was just too important to you! Clearly he's made a genuine effort which you didn't appreciate. BUT if you feel that MiL is being imposed on you and you resent it, then you do need to improve communications before taking such a huge step.

Your reply Ataloss makes me feel more synthetic towards your situation and I didn't realise there was a child when I suggested you end your relationship.

Can I ask do you still love your husband if it's not too personal a question.

I feel sorry not only for the husband but also the MiL! Recipe for disaster IF it's a real dilemma.

Thank you all for your words. You are right and I have been unreasonable.
We tried counselling and we both felt it wasn't dynamic enough. I guess we needed to keep looking for a counsellor who we could work with.
Reference his mother moving in. This is not my choice. It was presented to as he wants to look after her should she need it in the future. The choice I was given was we either move in with her into her house or we buy a house and she moves in with us.

To janeainsworth
I work full time, look after our child 90% of the time, cook 99% of the time, iron all of the time other than his work shirts which his mother does. My trip away was the first and only time I have been away and done something for just me.

Thank you all. I do accept that I was grossly unfair and unreasonable. This was the reason i posted - my thoughts are foggy. And as has been suggested I need to look deeper at the reasons I felt it was 'ok' to try to communicate what I thought of his gift.

Take heed of both Nellimoser and Anya. Harsh but sound advice.

You have come on here to ask Grans for words of wisdom?

Well, let me tell you that there are quite a few grans on here, including me, who would love their husbands to be well enough to buy a gift of perfume without having to ask for help from younger, fitter members of the family if they want to keep it a surprise.

You don't know how lucky you are that he is so thoughtful.

I agree with janea. We didn't come up on the down train.