Can anyone tell me what went wrong?

Hmmmm! Could well be a wind up! Why didn't I think of that!!

Oooooooh niggly, it would explain much , you are clever

Wonder if we'll hear anything more about this? Something tells me we won't, but I could be wrong! (and not clever!!!!)

Yes sorry cheneliege I gave to agree with others in saying it was a mistake to return the pyjamas, that doesn't really help now though. You do seem to be very conscious of the inequality of your situations and that can appear patronising even with the best intentions. I would keep the door open as BlueBelle says , give it a while then maybe a card or letter.

....but not a card or letter asking for forgiveness or mentioning friendship gifts or sorries just a little friendly note ' thinking of you hope you are well ' and not too soon either tread very softly Goid luck

I don't know where you are coming from with this post. Yes perhaps the Lady has dementia, I am guessing the Daughter has not. The top and bottom of it is that she wants no more to do with you for whatever reason. That's life, get over it.

I think your friend may have been overwhelmed by all your gifts and kindnesses to her over the years. They may actually have become a burden to her that she needed to escape. You can kill with kindness and I think this is what you may have done to your friendship.

Whatever your friend's physical or mental state, she is now living close to her daughter, who clearly loves and cares for her. You have no reason to worry about her unduly, whatever her problems. She has family nearby. You are not the only caring, or nearest and dearest, person to her.

Perhaps you should turn the focus back on yourself and ask yourself why you became so utterly dependent upon her. Why you felt the need to sink your all, money, time and emotion into her. You describe her as 'the sister you never had, but your relationship with her is not what most women with sisters would recognise as a sisterly relationship (I write as a sister with a sister). It is a relationship of dependency on your part.

What has happened has been devastating for you, but perhaps you now need to learn to love yourself.

Buying friendship never works .....so sorry for hurt feelings on both sides

I am sorry that you are upset by all this. I too think it was an error of judgement to return the gift. I have had presents in the past that I didn't like or couldn't use for some reason, but I would never dream of returning anything. I think you just have to let this go now and move on with your life. Your friend may be suffering from a cognitive illness, and maybe she is not the same now as she used to be in the past. I hope you will feel better about this soon.

Buying things for someone isn't "caring" . I think you are like my hubby, who thinks giving things substitutes for emotional support. As for returning a gift, really? I got given a book at Christmas and I already have it, but when asked that question I said "no" as I didn't want to cause upset.

I really feel for you in this respect. What a sad thing to have happened. My only suggestion is you volunteer your time as a befriender. There are so many lonely/ housebound people needing company and a listening ear. You are obviously a compassionate person who would be most welcome to a befriendee. Best wishes. Thanks

Your 'friend' is clearly is not equal to the relationship and it sounds as if, reluctantly of course, you must let it go. She does not sound very forgiving and give and take is the essence of friendship. I have had much worse than merely my gifts being returned and I put it down to my friends and relatives being stressed or having a bad day. I extend my sympathies as far as I am able and it seems as if your old acquaintance cannot do this. It takes intelligence, empathy, sympathy and, above all, good will on both parts to maintain a friendship and your friend does not seem able to put the hard work in. Mourn and move on as she will keep you on a string forever if you let her.

Let go and move on.

What a very sad outcome. Perhaps where you went wrong was in telling her to "get her money back". Better to have asked her if she could get the pjs in your size. Or tried locally to change them yourself.

It seems such a trivial thing to lose a friendship over but clearly she's decided enough is enough and maybe, just maybe, she found your generosity a tad patronising.

I'm curious that you can remember all the gifts you've bought this lady. I can't remember what I did yesterday!

I can only imagine your sadness. Perhaps friendships have to be more equal. Who knows.

Ohh dear. To be honest, I would have been hurt massively if a gift I sent was returned, especially after all the years of gifts you had given her. She didn't accept the flowers, this hurt you, so did the fact to told her to get her money back, basically saying 'These are not good enough for me, you might as well keep your money!'
I am sure you are lovely, but to echo so many others, why on Earth would you keep a tally of your gifts?? Gifts are so -called because we give them, or else, we SHOULD give them without thinking 'Hmm, wonder what I shall get back in return!' Be it love, affection, attention, or gifts. To sum up all that you gave her tells me you were actually bigging yourself up as if to say 'Look how wonderful I am! I gave you all of this!' and then the one thing she sends you, especially if she has been ill, is rejected. Maybe write one last letter saying how you now see how she may have interpreted your sending back of her gift, and apologise, and tell her what her friendship means. If you still get no reply, give up, and make new friends, and forget the gifts, you don't need to buy peoples friendship. I love my best friend because he is wickedly funny and has lots of time to spend with me, not because he can send me to the South of France. xxxxx

Annierose my thought exactly, my mother did this to a friend she had for years and years, suddenly cut her off and out of her life, I have tried to reason with mum but cannot change her mind, so very sad.

Do not let this issue dominate your life .I know it is easy for me to say what you should or should not do.However in view of the fact your friends daughter has been in charge of her mothers 'welfare' for the past eight years indicates that she could have or should have assisted her mother in a choice of present for you. Daughter must have known of you and your friends agreement where presents are concerned and only she knows of her mothers present health issues/ conditions, if there are any,and could have suggested to her mother why not a beautiful flower arrangement.
I am sorry but the onus is on the daughter not her mother
It is distressing for you but can you accept your life must go on.Leave well alone and it is now up to your friend or her daughter to make the first move.

Sometimes friendships end. If one side doesn't want to continue then it's a waste of your time trying to flog a dead horse so to speak. Yes it can be upsetting - especially if you thought the friendship was really close but she has her own life now and doesn't want you to be part of it. Time to move on and perhaps not focus on the monetary value of friendship but on shared interests.

The fact of it is, that nothing lasts forever, even your own life.

Move on you have no choice.

My feeling is that this had been brewing for a very long time and while you were counting the gifts you had given her etc you missed a change in the relationship.

I have an old friend, who now lives with her daughter, she had always said she wouldn't do that, as her daughter is controlling, but she got old and didn't want to be alone. We don't speak now, the daughter wants her mum all to herself and that is what happens sometimes.

It must feel to them as if they are being stalked to provide you with answers to their personal choices. Stop. They are doing what I best for them and they are entitled to do that.

I wonder if the friend and the daughter were miffed that they were not left anything in the will. It seems clear that you are lot better off than your friend and felt they were being patronised.
Anyway, as the song says......let it go. Perhaps just a letter apologising for any hurt caused and wishing her all the best for the future.

I think the OP is a spoof and 'someone' is having a laugh at all our expense!!

It seems as if you are seen to be patronising, but you don't realise this is how it came across. A nice letter or card apologising that you have upset your friend and you truly regret this and didn't mean to could be sent to both friend and her mum. Then you ve done all you can. Try and forget it if you get no answer, but that's not easy. I still struggle years later over things I would do differently. Life s too short.

Most stores will change unworn clothes, even with no receipt - I think I would have tried to change them myself for the right size, fsiling which, I agree with the charity shop suggestion. I'm sorry - I think the friendship is ruined - by all means, try to keep doors open, but recognise that it's unlikely. I'm afraid I do also agree with those who point out that you do appear to be patting yourself on the back about how generous, kind and what a caring friend you are, but suggest that you re-read your original points.

My sister and I were out of touch for a long time and then we got back in touch as I was ill and the hospital rang her (which I was not happy about).
She was in a very well paid job and I had had to give up my business and sell my house because of my house problems. I did need help at the time but her Generosity became oppressive. I didn't have any money at Christmas but I bought a few small things and made some mince pies. She gave me a mountain of presents. When I got home I found that she had put the mince pies in my bag. It reminded me of why we didn't get along. There were a lot of similar problems and I decided that I was better off without her. She told my mother that I dumped her as soon as I didn't need her any more which was completely untrue.
She was generous with giving but mean with taking and I hated it.
Sorry but I have every sympathy with your friend and understand exactly how she feels. She should not have been unpleasant to the lady delivering the flowers but I can understand the reaction.

nigglynellie - LOL