Son in Law problems

"He is a very controlling person and she always has to do as he says."

And now he is trying to control you. You've capitulated to his control to a small extent, trying to regain his favour with your Christmas gift, and he responded with silence. This is intended to make you capitulate further. Do not be manipulated by him. If he is controlling, your daughter will probably be better off outside of this marriage. I would continue to support my daughter and make sure she knew that you are on her side. Do not allow him to isolate her from her parents.

Going against the flow here but is he talking about his wife or himself when he talks about lies and manipulation? The OP is the girl's mother for goodness sake and should not be vilified for supporting her daughter whatever she has done.

Good advice FarNorth.

I've been there and done that, although daughter didn't have a fling, just stayed out very late at a works do and drank far, far too much. SiL rang me to ask me to tell her not acceptable etc etc. In all other respects exactly the same.

It is no good batting it about between yourselves FarNorth is right. It can and does work

My advice - KEEP OUT - honestly it's the best and kindest thing to do.

Nanny knee you have acted as any loving mother would. You acknowledge that your daughter got close to another man, and also acknowledged that although hurtful to your son in law, there are always two sides to every story. The saddest part for me from your comments is the gift you bought him for Christmas, do not fall into the trap of trying to buy him it never works and again I am sure he is not perfect otherwise your daughter would not have felt the need for another man. You have done nothing wrong apart from love and support your daughter. I would say to other people on this site, do not judge someone unless you have walked in their shoes.

Well now he is controlling you and trying to cut you out of your daughter's life by not wanting any contact with you. My grandsons father tries to put my DD in a bad light when we see him, does he think we are going to support him? She left him with good reason. We behave neutral.

Just be there for your DD. The rest as all the others say, keep out of it. Say nothing. He might come round and he is hurt but playing the victim and also now has the power to control your DD and her family.

The rift has happened and at the moment you must let them be.

I don't know how long they have been together, but the first 10 years can be all about power with young people even into their late 30s, especially if you have two alphas. Both want to control the relationship... it's immature, but some people are insecure enough to carry this baggage with them eveywhere they go. And the power shifts from one to the other. They really should get some counselling.

I can't see why you have to apologise to him, as suggested. In any event this situation is between them, and it is always SO wise not to comment and to keep out of it as much as possible; if you agree heatedly with either side then if and when they get back together what YOU have said will be remembered and never forgotten! I think the above advice to keep smiling, accept that you have played no real part in this and they need time to calm down, and just wait for the great healer, time, to do its work. Good luck - it's a horrible place to be but like almost everything it will surely pass.

I am gobsmacked! You have managed to turn this distressing time for your son in law in to all about YOU and how YOU feel.

Back off, write a short note telling him you hope one day to be close again but completely understand he wants distance. And then leave it.

You won't do this of course.

It's very difficult not to get involved, but try as much as you can. We tried to distance ourselves when my SIL left her husband of 40 years. She had an affair (and not the first one either) and now has a new life following a very nasty divorce.

It's not for us to judge other people's lives, family or not, and hopefully life will get better.

Perhaps an opportunity to concentrate on your and your husband's well being, and maybe take a short break away. xx

Say nothing, do nothing, keep well out of it. If you don't it could cause arguments between your DD and Sil. I don't know if you have DGC but if you were to get involved you could lose access to them so leave it to your daughter to see you if she arranges it but do not contact her or SiL. Let them make the pace and no matter how you feel bite your tongue and say nothing as if you do you could lose out the most. I know it must be hard but try to focus on your own life at the moment.

I have been shocked at the judgemental tone of so many of the posters. None of us knows what is going on in someone's marriage and what the son-in-law is like. It is very easy to make bad decisions when we are under stress and I can't believe that the posters who are so ready to condemn Granny Knee's daughter have never put a foot wrong in their own marriages. And, of course, granny Knee is going to support her daughter.

Lots of good advice, which I agree with, your SIL will come round, just give him time.

It's fantastic that she talks to you, so many women in controlling relationships don't. Your daughter may be in an abusive relationship, he is acting like an incredibly controlling person and it sounds like he is trying to cut her off from her family.

Be there for her and help her if she needs it.

Anya said, you had not handled the situation very well and owed him an apology. What for?. You haven't said what or what not was said so no one can judge. As her mother you want your daughter to be happy and if it's with him so be it. No one truly knows the dynamics of any relationship, it us up to the two involved in it. I feel that a bit of distance wouldn't be a bad thing, it is one of those situations where you are dammed if you follow and dammed if you don't. Know you are worried but hopefully they will get on track all a bit sensitive at the moment. Good Luck.

I have an uncommon medical condition. Oesophageal Spasms.
I would like to hear from a poster that may have the same condition please.
I have seen it mentioned on Gransnet, but I have searched and cannot find it.

100% agree with jinty44,"he is controlling"always rings alarm bells, don't let him do the same to you.Also I know our DD tell us to much sometimes, but she should be able to tell you anything and you should support her without taking sides unless off course his controlling behaviour gets out of hand. From experience I'm sure this will be the reason she did what she did in the first place.Always keep lines of communication open with her. She's made a mistake but hey who hasn't. Wish you well.

Very suspicious of this man. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter. If she did not sleep with this man it was not an affair. Do not let her become isolated.
Be polite to him but look after your daughter.

Anneey, I had dreadful oesophagus problems for about three years...then was finally told I needed surgery to repair a valve to curb acid reflux..
I'd constantly suffered agonising pain...once the date arrived for surgery , I was so glad to finally get things sorted...I was to have key hole surgery for a 'stomach wrap'.. and would only be in overnight..wonderful!!!,
Except..it was anything but. I awoke from surgery and was given a hot drink..within seconds i could hardly breathe...the pain was indescribable...The surgery hadn't gone well....And I had to have the whole operation done again two days later...those two days were unbarable to say the least. I was sent home on a diet of liquids..no meat or bread for six weeks...i eventually began to feel better...pain and discomfort improved...only to return again...had follo up appointments..unsympathetic help..or lack of it lead to diaphragm strengthening drugs...which I severely reacted to....swas not given ant further appointments...And had to get on with it...I found my own way of coping with the spasms....to eat very small meals...and not to mix carbs & protein at the same meal...it helps...but still gives me discomfort at times..a book online called great taste no pain...is where i found the best way forward. I also have a hiatus hernia..and sleep with raised pillows...as laying flat is just not possible..I feel for you ..I truly do..it's a long road i'm afraid. best of luck aneey....xx

I'd like to start a newpost/thread but not sure how...so i'm posting my q1uestion here...Has anyone by any chance used Austin Macauley publising services..or indeed any other publishing company??? i've read mixed reviews and would like to know by word of mouth about publishing companies that anyone on here may have used?? thank you!..xxx

What on earth made him think you were the right people to talk to about his relationship with YOUR DD? He should never have put you in this position in the first place. No mater what has happened between them in my opinion your DD is the one who should have your support.

cheerfullizzy that's shocking! but a least you have found a way of coping. My mil suffered with a hiatal hernia for years and found lying on her left side helped a lot.

Surely it would be wise to support them both, since they are in a ten year marriage? Its not compulsory to "side" openly with either of them. But I wouldn't apologise either.

anneey and cheerfullizzy go to FORUMS, look down the page for Forum Topics, pick the right one then Start Conversation to open a new thread.

I don't come on gransnet very often but is it usual for someone to just bring a totally unrelated issue up, as has happened here. Seems a bit rude to me.

Thank you Jalima.I will do that. I did feel that I was butting in on a conversation.