Adult Sons, any good experiences?

Biscuitlover,there is absolutely no reason to think you won't get on with your DILs.you hear a lot of negativity here,but I suspect some here wouldn't get on with anybody,remember you get back what you put out. My DIL can be tricky sometimes,but I've always had a very good relationship with my son,I know he wouldn't let her go too far.Funny enough,since she's become a mother herself,we get on much better,I do most of the babysitting,and we spend a lot of time together.Enjoy your children,they will be 40 years old before you can blink an eye.

I am not sure you are right about wives calling the shots, Crafting. Where his parents were concerned DH always called the shots. He was an only child with parents who did everything to help him fly the nest, especially his mother. I was one of 3, with parents who were younger and healthier. I loved my DM but she had deep insecurities and there were times when I could talk more freely to my DMiL than I could with her.

And I will never forget DMiL, coming to stay when DS was only a few weeks old, under the weather and keeping me awake all night. She took one look at me, told me that DS would be spending the night in her room, with a bottle, if necessary, (I was breast feeding) and that I was to go upstairs have a hot bath and go to bed, then she came and tucked me up and kissed me goodnight as if I was still a child myself. I felt so much better after a good nights sleep.

Elegran, I didn't say I believed the saying to be true. Merely posted it as I have heard it quoted in these sort of discussions. I agree with cornergran that gender does not come into it but what the son/daughter is like as a person.

For any of us our relationship with our children is, I think, as unique as they and we are. I'm not sure gender is the primary factor. We have two sons, very different personalities, both married with their own families. We agree, their first thought should be for their own family, this is the message they grew up with and we are so very proud of the way they are involved with their children and how they support their wives. They have enough love for us all. It has been a joy to get to know two daughters in law who are also very different characters. We help our adult children and their families and they help us as they can. If there were to be an emergency we know they will be here in an instant. I was close to my Mum and know my relationship with our sons is different, but then a relationship with a daughter could have been equally different so it hasn't been a sadness. I know some have lost touch with their adult children and there is great pain, but that isn't gender dependent. As little boys our sons were a joy, they still are as men and now they come with the benefit of their lovely wives and beautiful children. What's not to like?

I have 3 sons, and I love them dearly. None are married or even (as far as I am aware!) in a relationship so I have no experience of either DILs or being a MIL. I have good relationships with all, but I have to confess I would have loved a daughter. However that was not meant to be so "c'est la vie"!

Sure not Sue

When boys marry, the wife usually calls the shots. I am sue I was the same. I got on very well with my MIL but my relationship with my own mother pwas a stronger bond.

If what you want from life is that your sons are happy, then try to accept who they choose as a life partner and support them and try not to make your sons choose between you and their own family.

I am blessed with two wonderful sons who have turned out to be great dads to their children. I too am blessed with two DILs, who although they are quite different are, in my opinion, the best mums for my DGC.

I do my level best not to make life difficult my not insisting they spend Christmas with us or put us first. When they do choose to be with us that makes things even better.

"*DD and DDiL have such very different personalities* that I have equal but different relationships with both, they complement each other. DD has chosen not to marry or have children and is very independent"

I can see how that can work. But my suggestion isn't a rigid one just a general pointer, and I do think MILs are more likely to take to a DIL when there is no DD, and I would add, especially no DD with children. Another situation is where the DILs own mum is absent or dead, and the MIL becomes for her a major source of support.

I am the mother of two married sons and have two lovely daughter in laws. I remember the first time we met our first daughter in laws parents. It was immediately after their engagement and her mother said "so,what does it feel like to be losing a son". (It's 13years ago and I still think it was a tactless thing to say) Before I had chance to reply, my son said "That will never happen" and my now daughter in law said "she's getting a daughter".
I have always been very careful never to step on either of their Mums toes, to a point where I sometimes back off a little to much.

I hate the expression A son is a son till he takes him a wife ! so untrue . I have great relationships with my boys and also love their partners . I know that their partners must come first and would have it no other way but I also know that my boys are there for me if ever I need them . The youngest Dil has told me that I will be coming to live with them when I get old ! and that they will not be putting me in a home . I thought that was the sweetest thing to say considering I am only 65 . I just hope I will be in a Granny annex because I like my own space .

but??

My DDs are lovely girls too

I have two DDs (very different personalities) but my DIL is a lovely girl and I am so pleased that DS found her!

And yes, I have bought her something that she wears

I have a wonderful 32 yr old son. He's single ( any single daughters going)? He lives at the pub/ small hotel where he works but visits about twice a week. Today he came for lunch and built our flat pack furniture for us. My DH is dyslexic and struggles to follow instructions. The table and chairs are excellent. He's very thoughtful and I love him dearly.

when DILs and MILs do get on well its often because the MIL doesnt have a DD so the DILs become substitutes for the daughters they never had. Those MILs who have our own DDs in contrast are almost always going to be closer to them than any DIL our sons provide for us!

Not sure I agree with this. I have a DS and DD and I am still very close to DDiL. DD and DDiL have such very different personalities that I have equal but different relationships with both, they complement each other. DD has chosen not to marry or have children and is very independent. DDiL's DM did not work while, like DDiL, I followed a professional career while juggling home, work and outside interests and I fully understand all the pressures and juggling she does to keep her life going. We also share a similar taste in clothes! She has bought me clothes as presents confident that I will like what she buys and that was indeed so as recently as this Christmas and I have passed on to her clothes that I have bought and DGD told me how much she wears them!

You cannot get closer to another woman than to be able to buy them clothes they will happily wear!

As someone else has said, you do hear about the relationships that have gone wrong in a great deal of bitter detail (from both sides) but the ones that have stayed happy and supportive without anyone feeling smothered or exploited are just accepted as the normal way of living, so there is no need to make a song and dance about them.

I second morethan the years soon pass and those two little men will soon grow,enjoy the time and watch them come on in the world the years pass so quickly so please do stop worrying about them growing up and just enjoy the experience,mine have given me endless joy and are now both happily married to lovely girls who I class as DDs rather than DILs.

Thank you morethan2

Thankyou elegran I do hate that saying!

Lovely post Annierose full of good advice.

Really enjoyed reading these replies, it certainly offers a different perspective to all the mumsnet MIL threads.

Lucky lucky you. Two little boys to love and be loved by. I have two boys who are now men. Seeing their close relationship warms my heart. All you need to do is support them wholeheartedly, let them go when the time comes. Don't you worry they'll always come back. Being a MiL is tricky but can be immensely rewarding. But for now enjoy those sons of yours. I envy you, I miss those special hugs and kisses from soft cheeks and chubby arms. I get whisker kisses now and big strong arms wrapped round me. Almost as good but not quite

That was to devorgilla

Just want to add, these comments sort of put you down - don't let them! Take the initiative to bring up the kind of sons you wish.

No, it is not true. He becomes a husband, and his primary bond is with his wife - that is right and proper, and his good relationship with his mother when he was young and single will have prepared him for his new role, but in general he still loves his mother and treats her with affection and respect.

There may be some sons who transfer all their attention to their wife and give up entirely on their role as a son, but that doesn't mean that it is a universal truth.

Oh biscuitlover, don't I know! I have 4 adult sons, and my sister has only girls. Over the years we have heard so much nonsense of the kind you describe.
We too saw our children as individuals, not stereotypes of any kind,and we encouraged them to blossom as they wished, and I am deeply proud of them all in their different ways.

Here are my tips:
If you do mourn for a daughter, admit it to yourself, if not to anyone else. I wasn't at all sorry to have only boys, but I have quietly 'said goodbye' to the daughter whose fate it was not to be born.
Make sure that your family has a good female dimension in it, through wider family & friends.
It is easier these days, but I made sure that our children did sports and activities that welcomed both sexes (Woodcraft Folk instead of scouts for example, but would not be necessary now)

If you love your children for who they are, then you will love those that they love. I get on very well with the 'daughters of my heart' and feel greatly privileged to have them in my life. They are wonderful young women and bring their own qualities to our cherished family.
This post demands honesty, so no false modesty - I genuinely think that they love me and value my place in their lives as well.

To people close to you, such as your mother, have a chat along these lines: if my sons are to find their way in this world, be valuable members of society, and to have their own loving families, they must know that they are cherished for who they are, so I would hate them to hear such negative things.....
To others: begin with a Paddington-style hard stare, then say "I feel very fortunate to have such healthy, happy children".

If you have the kind of sons, and daughters of your heart that I have, then you will be fortunate.

Perhaps the old saying is true. 'A son's a son 'til he gets him a wife, a daughter's a daughter the whole of her life.'

I have two daughters and a son, so I have one daughter-in-law ans two sons-in-law. I see as much of my son as I do my daughters, and all three of the in-laws have become "family".

There is a saying that the way to keep your family is to let go of them.